Halloween

Since Gabriel was due on October 3rd, one of the things I was really looking forward to was being able to dress him up for Halloween.

*Sigh*

:(

Tonight I lit Gabriel's jack-o-lantern and some little pumpkin candles for other angels as a way to celebrate Halloween. I just had to do something for Gabriel today. It really breaks my heart that he's missing out on days like today. Dressing up, Trick-or-Treating, Eating a bucket full of candy... The simple things in life that we all take for granted... well, used to take for granted.

Big Halloween hugs to everybody... I know we're all missing our babies a little extra today.

Wishing a Happy Halloween to all of our little pumpkins in Heaven!

Capture Your Grief, Day 31: Sunset

Today is October 31, and the last day of Capture Your Grief. I can't believe it's over already! Even more unbelievable is that I posted pictures for each of the 31 days. Of course, Gabriel was my motivation. I feel like this project gave me something to do for him. It gave me those few minutes everyday to be closer to him, to think just about him and nothing else.

It has been surprisingly healing to go on this photo journey over the past 31 days. It's been challenging and inspirational, as well.

Thank you to everyone who participated along with me and who took the time to read my posts and view my pictures.

One last photo.

One final moment of grief captured.

         ~ Every sunset brings me one day closer to you ~

Capture Your Grief, Day 30: My Grief

I need to grieve the loss of my precious son.
I cannot hold him.
I cannot wrap him in a blanket and snuggle him close to my heart.
I cannot whisper "I love you" in his ear while he drifts off to sleep in my arms.
I cannot tickle his belly and hear the sweetness of his laugh.
I cannot comfort him with my soothing love when he cries out for me.
But I can love him. And I do so, every single moment of every single day.
I can grieve his loss, my empty arms, and my broken heart.
I can remember him. On his birthdays and the 364 days in between.
I can say his name with pride.
I can share his story.
I can keep part of him alive. His spirit. His beauty. His sacred memory.
I can show the world that I have a son who I love,
With every fragment of my heart and throughout every corner of my being.
Because even though he may not know my love yet,
I can still be his mother.
I can always be his mother.

Capture Your Grief, Day 29: Music

I wasn't able to pick just one song for today, so I'm sharing the playlist of songs I made for Gabriel. All of these songs remind me of him for different reasons. If you're interested in the meaning behind this playlist, there's more about each song below. Otherwise, feel free to scroll down to listen to the songs!

Touch the Sky is from the movie, Brave. This was the last movie we saw at the theater while I was pregnant. Gabriel was so active when we saw movies that we were worried the loud noises bothered him. We couldn't help but laugh because it was so cute how he squirmed and kicked nonstop.

Kiss the Rain is one of my husband's favorite songs. After we found out that Gabriel lost his amniotic fluid because he wasn't able to pee, we started playing him this song by putting big headphones on my belly. We thought maybe the sound of the waterfall would make him feel like peeing. This song reminds me of all the hope we had during those ten weeks. Every time we went for another ultrasound appointment, we thought there would be an improvement. We were always so hopeful on the way there, and so heartbroken on the way home.

I've always loved Imagine by John Lennon. When I was pregnant, I played this song for Gabriel and cried as I listened to the lyrics, I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Shout to the Lord is another song I used to play for Gabriel when I was pregnant. Looking back there are so many songs I wish Gabriel had the chance to hear. It's the little things, like listening to music that Gabriel will never do here on earth, that make me the saddest. For some reason, when I was pregnant I could never think of any songs to play for him. I remember one day I thought to play him this song. No clue why, but I'm happy I did. I have a lot of regrets, but the one thing I'm so thankful I did was to introduce him to God.

Shortly after Gabriel died, I started listening to I Will Carry You, by Selah. I listened to it over and over again wishing Gabriel was still with us so I could play it for him. This song will always be a reminder of those early days of raw pain and overwhelming grief.

I'm not sure when I started associating Gabriel with stars and light, but now, whenever I see a star I think of him. I love the song Starchild so much that I used it for his slideshow video. I also love the Twinkle Lullaby by the Piano Guys which is such a beautiful version of the classic children's song.

A couple weeks after Gabriel died, I was driving and heard Elton John's, Your Song on the radio. It made me think of Gabriel and now whenever I hear it, it reminds me of him. This song makes me wish I had been a musician so I could have written a song just for Gabriel. I recently found this version by Ellie Goulding which I like because it changes the lyrics from man to girl.

My Angel Gabriel, by Lamb is so far, the only song I have found with his name. It reminds me not just of my Gabriel, but also of the Archangel Gabriel who I know is very close to my son. My favorite line is, I can shine even in the darkness, because it reminds me that the light of Gabriel's beautiful and wondrous life will always outshine the darkness of his death.

Recently I came across the song, A Hundred Thousand Angels by Bliss. To me, it sounds Heavenly and I imagine if there is music in Heaven it must sound like this. I also love the image of a hundred thousand angels watching over our children. The lyrics are incredibly beautiful. You can read them here.

The last song, Lord When You Came to the Seashore, is one that I heard at a church a few weeks ago. It reminded me of Gabriel since I associate him with the beach. The lyrics, All I treasured, I have left on the sand there, made me think of when I write Gabriel's name in the sand.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Capture Your Grief, Day 28: Memory

It saddens me to know that time is slowly robbing me of my memories of the 7 months I had with Gabriel. I am slowly writing down everything I can remember because I fear one day I will forget. My greatest memory is of course the day that Gabriel was placed in my arms. But I have chosen two different memories to write about today as I feel like I've already written quite a bit about Gabriel's birth.

The first memory isn't part of this project, but I wanted to include it as an introduction. The second memory I am sharing because it's only when I look back on it now, that I realize that it was the starting point of my grief journey. 

When I think back on the early weeks of my pregnancy, it seems like it was years ago. The joy, excitement, and anticipation all seem so distant now. However, there is one beautiful memory that is still so vivid. It was the day of my 10-week ultrasound. I remember taking a pregnancy test that morning because I wanted to be sure that I was still pregnant before my ultrasound. The double lines formed instantly. Definitely pregnant! 

I remember it was an early Monday morning. I had to schedule the appointment before work, because we weren't telling anyone yet that I was pregnant. My husband and I drove together because he wanted to be there for the first ultrasound. When the technician came to get me, she said the room was very small and asked my husband to stay in the waiting room. I didn't think it was a big deal. I figured he could see the pictures later and there would be more ultrasounds in the future. (Had I only known.) So I went by myself to the exam room, more excited than ever to see our baby for the first time. As soon as she placed the wand on my belly, an image of the baby immediately popped up on the screen. It was incredible. I saw his tiny body and he actually looked like a baby. Just over 3 centimeters long, but he was already perfect. Later, I heard our baby's heart beat and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard...the sound of my baby's life. 

That first ultrasound was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I can't recall ever feeling so happy. I hope that I can always have this memory. As long as I do, I will cherish it. 

The second memory is of my mid-pregnancy ultrasound. This appointment was also on a Monday morning. May 14, 2012. By this time, everyone at my office knew about the pregnancy, so I made arrangements to leave work mid-morning for a couple hours. Everyone at work wished me luck and I happily replied that I'd be back soon with news of the baby's sex. I remember thinking that I wouldn't be able to tell anyone until I was able to talk to my husband first.

I was so excited to get to see the baby again. My first ultrasound had been such a wonderful experience. I thought that this time it would be even better because the baby had grown so much. 

Once at the lab, I met the ultrasound technician. She was really sweet and we made small talk as she prepped me for the exam. She asked me where I lived. I asked her if she liked her job. Then she started the exam and mentioned something about how my bladder was full, so she asked me to go to the bathroom. When I returned, she proceeded with the exam but just moments later, she said she needed to go get the doctor. I could tell something was wrong but I had no clue just how bad things were.  

The doctor came in and he was calm and professional. He continued with the exam and mentioned something about the baby's femur measurement being short. Then he showed me the image of my baby and explained that there was something in his abdomen that wasn't supposed to be there. He said the baby might have Cystic Fibrosis, but he wasn't sure. Also, he was concerned because he couldn't see any amniotic fluid in front of the baby. I had no idea what he was talking about. I tried to remember everything he was saying, even though I couldn't understand it. I remember at one point asking the doctor if the baby could live with these complications and I clearly recall him saying the words, "probably not". 

These words shocked me. I don't know what I was expecting him to say. I guess I was looking for reassurance that my baby would be alright despite the list of complications that the doctor had just rattled off.   But instead I received the answer that no first-time mother ever expects to receive.  

I was in a numb state of shock after my appointment. I remember leaving the office and walking out of the building not knowing how to feel or what to do. I was confused and shocked and worried and helpless and heartbroken. I didn't know what to do next, so I just sat down on a bench right outside the exit and texted my husband that something was wrong with the baby, and that the doctor thought he might have Cystic Fibrosis. After I sent the text, I just sat on the bench for a few minutes staring at the pond in front of me, and tried to process all of the information I had just received. I didn't know enough back then to know that our baby's case was fatal, but I knew he wasn't healthy. I was in a situation I hadn't anticipated and I wasn't prepared for it. I don't remember exactly how I felt or what I thought about in that moment. I just remember that while I sat there, I didn't believe our baby was going to die. I wasn't in denial. I was just too naive. 

Looking back, that day was a turning point in my life.

As I have not been the same ever since. 

The view from the bench outside of the medical building where Gabriel was first diagnosed with a fatal condition

Capture Your Grief, Day 27: Artwork

Today I feel uninspired. Nothing really spoke to me. I have aspirations of decorating a wall in our home with artwork in memory of Gabriel, but so far, it's just a vision and a dream. 

I've decided to share a picture of the wood carving that my husband made at Faith's Lodge. I think it turned out really nice and I love that it was made just for Gabriel.

Capture Your Grief, Days 25 & 26: Baby Shower/Gifts & Their Age

We found out mid-way through my pregnancy with Gabriel that our baby was not expected to survive. Looking back, I wish I had planned a baby shower and asked people to bring special items for the baby. I would love to have those things now to add to his memory box, but I didn't know back then that having things to touch and hold and feel would be important later on. Back then, I was too depressed, too confused, and too shocked to pull myself together for an event with friends. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have given Gabriel the baby shower, the celebration of life, that he deserved. If I could go back, I would ask everyone to write a short poem that I could read to Gabriel on the day of his birth. Instead of the typical fun baby shower games, I would have had guests decorate patches of fabric and later I would have turned them into a quilt to wrap my baby up in. If I could, I would go back and do so much more for him.

Since I didn't have a baby shower, I've chosen a picture of the little shoes that Corrado bought me for Mother's Day. I was scheduled for my anatomy scan the following day. We were so excited to finally learn whether we would be having a daughter or son. Instead, we learned that the little shoes would never be worn. We wouldn't need shoes, baby clothes or a crib. We wouldn't need diapers or baby wipes. We wouldn't need that subscription of Baby Magazine that I had ordered the week before. We wouldn't need any of those things. We needed something they don't sell at Babies-R-Us. We needed a miracle.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Gabriel was only with us for 29 weeks + 1 day. His heart stopped beating sometime around 10 A.M. on July 19, 2012. He came into this world silently 4 hours later at 2:11 P.M.

While I was in the hospital, the nurses gave me a small memory box and it came with this journal. I filled out the first page and stamped the corner with Gabriel's footprint. I'm glad I did this for him and for us. It's a constant reminder that he was here with us for those precious 29 weeks and that one very beautiful day.

Capture Your Grief, Day 24: Siblings (Gabriel's Special Aunt in Heaven)

Since Gabriel has no siblings yet, I thought I would write about my two siblings and share the story of how the three of us became sisters.

In the summer of 1984, I traveled by plane from South Korea to Southern California. The two people I consider to be and lovingly call my parents decided to adopt two little girls through a county-run overseas adoption program. I was the first of those two girls.

A little less than two years later, my younger sister boarded her own plane from Korea to LAX. This time, the three of us drove to the airport together to pick her up. (For the next several years of my life, I thought that babies came from airports). With the arrival of my sister, Margaret, our family of four was complete.

Margaret and I had no trouble bonding and we grew up just like any other set of sisters. We shared a room and had matching twin beds. We played House together. We dressed up our Barbies together. We celebrated outrageous Christmases together. We fought over toys. We rode bikes to the local drugstore and spent our allowances on Lipsmackers and candy. Childhood for the two of us was a wonderful and happy time. We never sensed that anything or anyone was missing, as our parents had done an amazing job providing for our every need.

At some point during our childhood, my younger sister and I learned we had an older sister who had died as a baby. We weren't told that much about her, just her name and the fact that she died. Back then, you weren't supposed to talk about infant loss, so we never did and honestly, it didn't seem like there was that much to say anyways. 

It is only recently, in the weeks and months to follow Gabriel's death, that I have come to learn about my older sister. One day I would like to share her story with the world, but for now her story is not mine to share and I respect my parents' wish to keep it private. 

What I would like to share is how Gabriel has changed the way I think about her. I now realize that had she not lived and died, my life would be completely different. There's no way to know if it would have been better or worse, but I can't imagine a life much better than the one I've received. I doubt I would have met my husband. I definitely would never have met my parents or my younger sister. But most importantly, I never would have had my sweet baby, Gabriel.

Ever since Gabriel left us, I often wonder what kind of impact he will have on this world. He was here for just a brief speck of time and it's hard to imagine what kind of ripples his little stone will form in the Pond of Life. But when I look back over the past 30 years, I realize just how much one baby really can change the world. Nothing good ever results from a baby's death, but infinite greatness can come from their lives. My older sister's short but precious life inspired the creation of a beautiful unexpected family and even decades later, her stone continues to form ripples of beauty, hope, love, and life.
  

Until Gabriel died, I never had any real feelings towards my older sister. To be honest, I never really thought about her that often. Losing Gabriel has made her loss more real to me. I feel like a window has been opened. I now think about her more often and can think of her as the unique person she is, not as the dead baby she was. I feel grateful that Gabriel has shown me that even though she died as a baby, she was still a human being with a beautiful soul and her life truly mattered. She has a name. She has a story. She has a legacy. And just like Gabriel, she has a family who loves and remembers her.

It might sound strange, but I'm happy that Gabriel has a very special aunt with him in Heaven. It comforts me to know that he is not alone and that my sister was there to welcome him to Heaven. I feel blessed to know that the day I'm reunited with my son will also be the day I get to meet my big sister.

My older sister's initials and the Celtic Triquetra since she's half-Irish.
The Triquetra symbolizes many trinities including the Holy Trinity, Mother-Father-Child, and Past-Present-Future.
To me, it also symbolizes 3 sisters infinitely connected.

Capture Your Grief, Days 22 & 23: Place of Birth & Name/Photo

Gabriel was born at Providence Little Company of Mary Medical Center in San Pedro, California. This hospital is just one mile from my house. I was able to drive myself there the morning I went into labor. The plan was actually to deliver at Torrance Memorial, but there was no way I could have driven myself there as it would have taken about half an hour. I'm actually happy that I ended up delivering at Providence. The nurses were all very sweet and compassionate and my level of care was excellent. I'm also glad that the place of Gabriel's birth and death is so close to our home.

_____________________________________________________________________________________                                                                                                                                                                          

This is a picture of Gabriel taken after the nurses cleaned and dressed him. They also took his footprints, cut a lock of his hair and filled out a bassinet card with his name and birth information. The stuffed lamb is the only toy we ever bought for him.

Capture Your Grief, Days 20 & 21: Charity/Organization & Sacred Space

The organization that has really helped us is Faith's Lodge. You can read my post HERE.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The sacred space we have set aside in memory of Gabriel is in our home.

We keep his ashes and special items on a table in our bedroom. So far the space is small so I have to change it often. I'm constantly removing things and replacing them with new items.

This is a picture from this morning. Currently, there is a vase with fall flowers, his star candle, another star bowl filled with seashells from the beach (the ones in my header photo), a small angel figurine holding stars, a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus, our heart shaped rocks, and a couple other special items.

We're hoping that one day we can create a much larger space and also frame some of his pictures and hang them on the wall.

Capture Your Grief, Day 19: Projects

I've made a few things in memory of Gabriel, but definitely the most intricate and time-consuming was the prayer flag I made for Carly Marie's October 15th Prayer Flag Ceremony. I made this 6 weeks after Gabriel died and it definitely helped me to start healing.

My prayer for Gabriel is that he has found peace and light in Heaven with Jesus. I take comfort in knowing he is safe and that one day I will be with him again.

I was also inspired by Gabriel and other BLMs to start a project to help others in the babyloss community. Shortly after Gabriel died I went to a local botanical garden. I found this purple flower and picked it and for some reason I associated it with Gabriel. It was so beautiful, fragile and full of life. It comforted me to have a tangible reminder of Gabriel, so now once a month I return to this garden and pick flowers for other babyloss parents.You can read more about Gabriel's Garden HERE.

Capture Your Grief, Days 17 & 18: Due Dates & Family Portrait

For Gabriel's EDD, we spent the afternoon at the beach and wrote names in the sand (that post is HERE):

__________________________________________________________________________________________


For our family portrait, I've decided to use our heart-shaped rocks since we haven't really taken any good pictures of us together recently. The Mommy & Daddy rocks are the ones we received at Faith's Lodge and the Gabriel rock is the one I found at the beach on October 1, 2012 when we went to take our sunrise photo for the first day of Capture Your Grief.

Capture Your Grief, Day 16: Release

Yesterday was our first October 15th. Last year at this time, I had no idea this day even existed. 

We wanted to do something special so at the last minute we decided to make the two hour trip down to San Diego for the Molly Bears 3rd Annual San Diego Remembrance Gathering.  

There were a lot of people who attended, mostly families but also some couples. Everyone got a purple balloon and  paper to write a note to their child to send up with the balloons. We all gathered in the middle of the park and released our balloons together just as the sun was setting. 

This event was such a special way to remember our babies and the release was a beautiful tribute to them.

La Jolla Shores was gorgeous and since we got there early, we had time to write Gabriel's name in the sand. We also went back to the shore after the balloon release because the sunset was spectacular! I haven't seen a pink sunset in so long. It was the perfect way to end the day. 

Capture Your Grief, Day 15: Wave of Light

Today I lit candles for all of our angel babies. I wrote the names of all of the babies on my Angel Birthday list on the side of a tea light candle, and I dedicated one candle to all angel babies who have left this earth too soon. 

I really wanted to light blue and pink candles today, but I couldn't find them anywhere. So instead, I lit white candles and then used pink and blue flower petals as candle holders. Then I used all the candles to spell out the word "always" in remembrance of our precious children.

 

The Wave of Light 2012

A special candle for all angel babies

Gabriel's Candle

October 15th - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Remembering all of our little ones who are no longer with us here on earth. You are forever missed and always in our hearts.

Please read this beautiful article by Franchesca Cox at Small Bird Studios:

Why It Is Important to Break the Silence About Baby Loss

Capture Your Grief, Day 14: Community (Faith's Lodge)

I've been meaning to write about our trip to Faith's Lodge for awhile. If you're not familiar with Faith's Lodge, here is a brief description from their website:

"Faith's Lodge provides a place where parents and families facing the serious illness or death of a child can retreat to reflect on the past, renew strength for the present, and build hope for the future. In its North Woods setting, Faith's Lodge provides a peaceful escape for families to refresh their minds and spirits while spending time with others who understand what they are experiencing."

Faith's Lodge was established by Susan and Mark Lacek in memory of their baby girl, Faith, who died in June of 2000 from a cord accident. It is located on an 80 acre property in northern Wisconsin. Parents and families who have either lost a child in the past three years or who currently have a child with a serious illness may apply to stay there for up to five nights. There are different programs throughout the year, so that the week you attend, you will be among other couples or families who have faced a similar type of loss.

For example, we were there for the "infant loss" weekend of September 13-16, along with seven other couples who had all lost babies (either stillbirth or neonatal loss) in the past three years. We haven't had the chance to attend any events in the babyloss community yet, so this trip so far, has been our only experience with meeting a group of other BL parents.

Our group was diverse. Couples ranged from late teens to late 30's and losses occurred as early as 20 weeks GA to as late as 2 1/2 months old. All of our stories and situations were different and yet we were able to bond over our grief for the children we lost and our common devotion to keeping their memories alive.

During our time there, we spent a lot of time doing group activities such as painting heart-shaped rocks with our babies' names, decorating journals, making garden stones and painting birdhouses. We also had evening bonfires where we would gather, toast marshmallows and share stories.

We found comfort, support, and hope at Faith's Lodge. We got to be around people who understood how we felt, who wanted to hear about our son, and who didn't think we were crazy. It was nice to feel normal for a change.

The thing I liked most about Faith's Lodge was that we got to spend so much time honoring and remembering the children we've lost. It felt so healing to be able to talk about Gabriel and to work on crafts in his memory. The entire time, I felt like I was in a sacred place where babies and children are never forgotten.

The whole weekend was so much fun and it flew by so quickly. Nobody wanted to leave and go back to reality. I wish we could have stayed there forever, but in order for others to be able to go, we knew we had to leave.

Our time at Faith's Lodge lasted just a few days, but we hope to have made long-lasting friendships and to be able to hold onto beautiful memories for the rest of our lives.

If you ever get the chance to go, I highly recommend it.


Now for pictures... because it's impossible to describe just how breathtaking this place is!


The small heart-shaped rocks given to us to provide comfort during our group meeting. I'm using these as a representation of our group because I don't feel comfortable sharing pictures of other people.

Faith's Lodge:

   






The outside of Faith's Lodge:

We woke up early every morning to watch the magnificent sunrise over the lake. This is the view from our balcony:

Watching a beautiful sunrise from the bench swing in front of the lake. So peaceful!

8 dandelions to represent our 8 children:

Sophia's Bridge - where most people leave their children's rocks:

Standing on Sophia's Bridge

The garden stone we made in remembrance of Gabriel:

                                                                                                                                                                           

Corrado holding the sign he made during the mens' woodworking activity:

The angel statue garden where we left Gabriel's rock:

The heart-shaped rock we painted with Gabriel's name and birthdate

A tree in the forest at Faith's Lodge:

The steps leading down to the path in front of the lake: 

The table where we shared pictures of our babies:

The common room where we would talk and play board games:

Toasting marshmallows at the bonfire:

One last picture in front of Faith's Lodge, right before we left:

To learn more about Faith's Lodge, please visit their website: www.faithslodge.org