Good-Bye 2013

Once again we've reached the eve of a new year... another year is coming to a close and leaving us with nothing but memories.

I wish I could look back on this year and see nothing but joy and feel perfectly at peace with its end.

Instead, 2013 will always be a year that ended with despair and emptiness. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't help but feel saddened and disappointed. I wanted so badly for this year to be one of redemption.

I remember at the start of this year that there was so much I wanted to do. So many goals were set that weren't reached. So many dreams were dreamed that weren't realized. So many wishes were made that weren't granted.

I guess ultimately I feel both relieved and reluctant to leave 2013 behind. Part of me is ready to move on, to leave this year in the past and cross my fingers that things are better in 2014. But part of me is desperate for more 2013, a little more time to try to recover what was lost. I feel cheated out of time with Poppy and the chance to have a rainbow baby.

Now time is up for 2013. And I'll never have another year with Poppy. And I'll never have the opportunity to have a baby in 2013. And I'll never again be able to end this year with a gain instead of a loss.

Nevertheless, it's time to say good-bye to 2013. I may not be completely ready for it to end, but at least this is one ending that is immediately followed by a new beginning.

~Last sunset of 2013~

Celebrating Today

Last Christmas, I think I honestly believed that I would have a baby in my arms today. At some point this year, I realized that having a baby in time for Christmas would be impossible and I held out hope that I would at least be pregnant. Eventually I gave up even that hope and I figured I would just experience another childless Christmas. And then the greatest thing happened. I got pregnant in October. I counted the weeks until Christmas and it seemed like the perfect day to tell everyone about Baby #2. I never thought that I would lose the baby before Christmas and end up doubly childless. I really didn't think it was possible to have an even emptier Christmas than the one following Gabriel's death last year.

So today I'm sad because I miss Gabriel and Poppy. And I'm sad because this isn't the Christmas I wanted. And I'm sad because I feel so extremely cheated out of everything that this day could have (should have) been.

But I also realize that today is not about me or what I want or the plans I made or the dreams I once had or all that I've lost. It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ by showing kindness and love to others. It's about generosity and spreading joy and holiday traditions. It's about celebrating with family around a tree of lights. It's about embracing your life exactly as it is and being hopeful that the future will bring many more blessings.

So even though there is so much I wish I could change about today, I feel truly grateful for everything that I would never change. I am grateful to have had my children at all and I'm grateful for dear friends who will remember them with me today. I am grateful that I can help others who are also missing their children today. I am grateful for my loving family and to have somewhere I belong on Christmas Day. I am grateful for the Christmas dinner I'll share with them tonight. I'm grateful that I'm able to give presents to those who I love. And I'm grateful that despite all the sorrow in my heart, there is still so much joy and beauty in my life... and that is a gift worth celebrating today.

Poppy's Special Place

Yesterday, we decided that we would find a nice quiet place and bury Poppy. I honestly didn't know what else to do. Turning her over for medical testing seemed pointless and potentially disappointing and throwing her in the trash or down the drain just didn't feel right. She might be the tiniest person I've ever known, but I still think she deserves a special place. Also, I think it will be nice to have somewhere to go to feel close to her.

So, we wrapped her in a small blanket, buried her beneath the roots of a shady tree, placed a rock as a place-marker, said our good-byes, then scattered a handful of poppy flower seeds nearby. I'm not sure that any flowers will actually be able to grow but I thought it might be nice to try. Maybe one or two will somehow make it and then every spring, Poppy's place will be beautiful decorated with flowers.

Afterwards, we went to the beach and were blessed with a gorgeous sunset under which to write Poppy's name. Even though I wish more than anything else that I could still be pregnant, I feel truly lucky to have had any time at all with her. 

Happy Beginnings

I really truly believed with all my being that this pregnancy would have a happy ending. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt very little fear and apprehension during this last pregnancy with Baby #2. It's hard to explain. I felt certain in my heart that this baby was the one. The one who would survive. The one who would be born pink and screaming. The one who I could hold in my arms and never let go. I just couldn't help feeling like she was meant to be.

After waiting so long just to get pregnant, I was so happy and excited (and a little bit shocked) that I don't think worry had space to settle in. Part of me was concerned early on, but once I saw the baby's beautiful strong heartbeat, joy completely replaced all fear. I really wanted to enjoy this pregnancy and embrace it as a celebration of new life. This baby didn't deserve to be part of my grief. I didn't want her to live in the shadow of loss. I wanted to look forward to her birth, not fear that I might lose her too.

But just a couple of weeks after first seeing my tiny seedling, an ultrasound revealed she was gone. Another ultrasound confirmed it and a week later, my body finally let her go.

No matter what happens, this baby will always be a memory of joy in my heart. I will forever associate her with happiness, hope and pure love. She was a miracle from the beginning and even though I'll never understand why she died, I am so very grateful for the time we had together here on earth. And I'm glad that I let myself feel joy instead of fear and love instead of grief. We may have only had ten weeks together. But they were the most amazing ten weeks. And they were special.

So, no happy ending after all.

But the happiest of all beginnings.

A Bad Dream

I'm sitting in a dark room alone and I'm waiting for... something. I'm not exactly sure what it is. I've just been given the dreadful news and have been instructed to sit here and wait. I am confused and sad, disappointed and tired. It's been a long day and I just want to go home. I just want to get back to my life. But all I can do is wait here. I'm stuck in this place. I realize this is part of the process and sometimes these things just take time. I realize that sometimes joyous plans are interrupted and put on hold and all we can do is be as patient and hopeful as possible. I realize as unfair as this may seem, there is nothing anyone can do to change any of this, so feeling like a failure or hating the world are probably just going to make this worse for me. I keep telling myself it will be okay in the end. After all, the hardest part is over. Now I just have to wait for the darkness to relent so that I can wake up from this bad dream. But really, I'm just waiting for the end of what has sadly already ended.