Walking With You - Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy

One area so many mothers struggle with is guilt, especially those who experience the loss of a baby/child. We want to address this struggle in this post. It will help mothers quietly battling guilt for living life and experiencing joy to know they are not alone. Other moms silently battle this as well. Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child, or whether you have experienced the healing balm of joy for years, share your thoughts on this week’s post.

Truthfully, I am no stranger to guilt, though I wish I were. In the past 6 months, I've felt its firm grip wrapped around my soul more times than I care to admit. I felt guilty after Gabriel died as an intangible list of regrets formed and then grew longer and longer in my mind. I often wonder if in a mysterious psychological sort of way, that my mind subconsciously used guilt to shield me from constant self-pity and sorrow. To strengthen me so that I could better cope with those other burdens at a later point.

I'm not really sure. Those days are foggy, so it's hard for me to remember all the details. I do know that I hated the guilt and that I've enjoyed life immeasurably more since it left. I think in the beginning I needed it. I needed to feel something real and raw and unbearable, because in my mind that's how I envisioned babyloss to be. I needed that daily reminder that I deserved suffering, not because I had necessarily done anything wrong, but because my baby had died, a person who I was given responsibility over, died... on my watch. And whether it was my fault, or nobody's fault, the blame ultimately rested on my shoulders.

On busy, summer weekends, my dad lifeguards at a beach in Malibu. He's kept in good shape and swims 4-5 mornings per week. It's a little embarrassing to admit, but he can lap me in a pool as easily as I can lap a snail on a track field. He's been a swimmer for 45 years and a lifeguard for 40. To say he's incredible at both is an understatement. I don't think anybody has ever questioned his abilities at either. I remember when I was in high school, my dad came home one evening and was in an unusually quiet, agitated mood. My mom told me that a man had a heart attack at the beach that day and despite my dad's efforts to resuscitate him with CPR, the man died. He was elderly and his heart attack was a result of old age and bad luck, completely unrelated to his afternoon at the beach. Nobody blamed him for that man's death, but I could sense that my dad felt a great weight of responsibility. He didn't cause the heart attack. But one simple fact remained... a man died on the shore that fell under my dad's watch that fateful day. The circumstances were secondary. 

When I think of that day, I'm reminded of the Spiderman quote: With great power, comes great responsibility.

Or perhaps a better way to summarize this sentiment is the Scripture verse: Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more. (Luke 12:48)

I think the reason so many of us feel guilty for our babies' deaths is not that we caused them, nor that we couldn't prevent them. It's the fact that when we are given power, we take with it, an underlying sense of responsibility. From the moment of conception, a baby is entrusted to a mother. It is the mother's job to nourish her baby in the womb, to birth her baby, to provide love, food, and a home for the baby until that child grows up. I felt that inside me when I found out I was pregnant... the animal instinct to take care of the little life planted in my belly, long before I knew who he or she even was. When Gabriel died, that mothering instinct didn't die too. It grew roots in my soul from which guilt constantly threatened to flourish. 

I prayed that the Lord wouldn't turn my soul to stone. I prayed that I wouldn't be consumed by the darkness. In time, I felt the weight lifted and the light enrich my soul. I stopped harboring feelings of guilt. Where guilt once settled, peace started growing. 

In all honesty, I feel like I can only attribute this transformation to the obscure workings of God. It could have been a subtle coping mechanism my subconscious used and then inexplicably stopped using, but it just didn't feel that way. It wasn't a light switch turning on; it was a light replacing the shadow of a cross as it was lifted off my back. 

Without the guilt to obsess over, I worried I might slip into a deep depression. I didn't, but I did find happiness to be so different than what I had remembered it to be. Happy moments weren't the carefree bursts of joy they used to be. They were bittersweet... good, but also not good. 

I embraced joy as it came to me, but there were so few moments of pure joy that weren't tainted by the inherent and perpetual awareness that I had lost a child. That he was not there to share the moments with me. That if he were there, those moments would have been exponentially better. 

I think that what distanced me the most from happiness, was that silently I was constantly wishing that Gabriel knew the joys of earthly life. When I saw a magnificent sunset, it reminded me of Gabriel. Simply because I wished he could see it too. When I heard a funny joke, it reminded me of Gabriel. Simply because I wished I could share it with him. When I noticed a small child laughing, it reminded me of Gabriel. Simply because I wished I could hear his laugh.

Behind every beautiful, drenched-with-potential-joy, yet tragically bittersweet moment, was the fervent longing for something I knew I'd never ever have. 

It's the wish upon a star that will never be granted. It's the hopeless desire for a moment that will never exist. It's what we all yearn for, above all else. But, no matter what we do, no matter what we're willing to sacrifice, no matter how much we pray, beg, cry or plead, it will never be.

It's easy to focus on these bitter, harsh realities. I did, and sometimes I still do. Joy, some days feels like an illusion or an impossible puzzle.

I'm new to grief. My baby died 6 months ago and I'm still figuring out the hang of things. So far, I have found only one path to true happiness, but I believe it to be the most beautiful one...

Love is considered by many (myself included), to be happiness in its purest form. When I think about Gabriel I'm robed in a complex and bittersweet cloak of emotions, ranging from peace, gratitude, sorrow and emptiness. But when I reflect on my love for him, everything becomes simple, clear, reduced to just one dominant emotion. 

The most unconditional, eternal, motherly love.

My love for him is easy, natural, free-flowing like water spilling out of a fallen cup. There's no doubt, no guilt, no pain, no endless rows of questions. It's so pure, left untainted despite all of the horror and devastation. Like a clean white feather resting calmly and unscathed in the midst of a war zone. 

Love doesn't feel bittersweet. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't sting. It doesn't conjure feelings of guilt, shame or fear.

And somewhere in that love is joy. Lots and lots of joy.

Every now and then, I catch what I believe to be a glimpse of Heaven here on earth, and I sense that Gabriel is sharing the moment with me. He sees the beauty from the other side where it's a million times more glorious and for the briefest of seconds we share a spiritual connection that transcends all else. Instinctively, I whisper I love you Sweetheart, I feel that he's watching my lips form the words, that he understands, that it brings a smile to his face. And that is the rarest and most perfect happiness I've ever known.

When the attainment of joy feels far out of reach, feel how close love is, how deep it wells in your heart. How abundant that love feels. 

And how sweetly it provides you with the capacity to feel happiness, like you've never felt it before.

TrackBacks:
Walking With You Week 3
Walking With You Week 2
Walking With You Week 1

Walking With You - Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life. What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps? Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn’t embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child? How do you cope with those struggles? What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope? How has this changed for you from the beginning? If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal….life without your baby?

The first steps back into life: leaving the hospital without our baby, walking into our house without our baby, surviving the day without our baby, sleeping through the night without our baby...

Every step I took, I did so with empty arms, tearful eyes, and a shattered heart. Even the most mundane and routine tasks felt either meaningless or impossible to accomplish. Nothing really mattered anymore. My child was in Heaven and I was still here, left to wander this world aimlessly.

I was truly lost. The real world no longer felt safe or familiar. Somehow overnight, I had become an alien in my own planet. Nobody here understood me.

On rare occasions, when I went outside, I couldn't comprehend how people were living as if tragedy had never struck. I just lost my baby and nobody seemed to notice my incredible loss. I wanted to scream.

Everything was exactly how it had been before, how it had always been. The world wasn't affected in the slightest way. Again I wanted to scream.

I struggled to leave the house because I hated the harsh sting of bewilderment and the deep bitterness that inevitably would set in whenever I saw the apathetic interactions of other people. The rest of the world had forgotten my son and I couldn't wrap my head around how this could be possible. How could so many people be consumed with petty and insignificant problems and not care at all that I had lost my child? You guessed it... I wanted to scream.

Most days, I stayed at home, glued to my laptop where I found comfort in the online world of the babyloss community. I was amazed at how welcoming, supportive and compassionate this world was compared to the reality I had been living in. I found that other women who had lost babies existed. For the first time since Gabriel died, I didn't feel like the only one. Meeting other BLMs, reading their stories, and connecting through our common grief was an invaluable blessing which helped me to survive those early steps. 

On occasions when I had to go outside, it helped me to block out some of the painful reality around me, and rather concentrate on searching for the little things that reminded me of Gabriel, like newly budding flowers, butterflies chasing each others, birds soaring gracefully towards the clouds, or a magical sunset. It was comforting to know that Gabriel's beautiful spirit permeated throughout the world. I started really appreciating the moments when it felt like he was close and discovered that the world that once felt unbearably foreign was in fact, my home too. 

Over six months later, I admit that sometimes I do still struggle with the real world. The most difficult aspect of reality continues to be the constant reminders that everyone else is leading a happy, simple, ordinary life. They get to be ignorant, innocent and unaware. They get to pretend like babies don't die. I don't. I feel different, like I can see or sense something that is invisible to others. I know that I should feel blessed, not cursed, and that this ability is a unique gift that allows me to see what is valuable in life and teaches me to cherish what really matters... 

But part of me doesn't want it. Part of me just wants my son back. I struggle with the acceptance of this gift, because I never asked for it. I never knelt down before God and prayed for him to grant me this knowledge. 

But I did beg Him countless times to save my baby. 

I'm confused. I'm not angry, but it's hard not being able to understand why He couldn't just give me what I asked for instead of something I've never desired.  

Though part of me may never understand His mysterious ways, deep down I am grateful. And I do have faith that God chose for me to have this gift for a good reason. I trust in Him when He tells me that He knows what is best. I believe that though He may not always grant us what we want, He never forgets to provide us with what we need. 

Sometimes when I see how few people have this gift and how rare it is, I come to recognize its immense value. I know now that living a life devoid of meaning and blind to real beauty, is such a tragic waste of the precious time we have here to experience the world.

When I think of how insignificant my life used to be and how many times I missed out on experiencing true beauty, I feel a wave of relief that this gift has granted me a second chance. A chance to let go of everything that doesn't matter and to hold tight to what does. A chance to step forward into a life that I can be proud of. A life that is not empty or meaningless. A life that serves to fulfill God's great plan. A life that truly honors Gabriel's memory because it overflows with love.

A life that is not ordinary, but is happy, sweet and wonderful, nonetheless.

TrackBacks:
Walking With You Week 2
Walking With You Week 1

Six Months Without You

For Gabriel, My Love

Though the seasons have turned
And time's persisted
On
Though so much has changed
And so many have
Gone

My love has not withered
Its vine tethered to my
Heart
I've a branch for every moment
That we've endured
Apart

My love had no birth
I have always loved
You
Wherever you are dearest one
My heart is there
Too

My love is forever
More eternal, more abiding
And
More impossible to measure
Than the grains that form the
Sand

For you, my love shall
Always
Be
More immense, more constant
Than the deepest, widest
Sea

My love for you
Means we'll never
Live
Separated more years
Than mortality can
Give

And though my love can't bring you here
It promises to show me the
Way
I'll come to where you're waiting; I will find you
One glorious
Day

Leibster Award

Thank you to these 3 beautiful mamas for nominating me for the Liebster award:

Avery's Mommy
Haydon's Mommy
Calypso's Mommy






This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

RULES:
1. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.
2. Then, create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.
3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.
4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
5. No tag backs.

MY ANSWERS:

...To Avery's Mommy

1. What are your hopes for 2013?
To have a baby and to go back to school.

2. What is your favorite quote or motto to live by?
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?” 

-Mary Oliver

3. What is your favorite dessert?

Chocolate cake

4. Through your grief process, what organizations have helped you the most?

Faith's Lodge, Compassionate Friends, Project Sweet Pea

5. What hobby do you participate in most often?

Photography/Photo-editing

6. What is your favorite television show?

Tough to say! I love Shameless, Californication, Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad, Dexter, Weeds, Modern Family, Fringe and I Love Lucy. 

7. Describe your perfect Saturday.

With my husband going somewhere we've never been, or doing something we've never done before. 

8. If you could change professions, would you? If not, why? If you would, what would you become and why?

Yes, I hate my old career... it was so stressful and un-fulfilling. I'm going back to school soon in the hopes of becoming an ultrasound technician. I want to do something meaningful in Gabriel's honor and help save lives of unborn babies. If I was younger and had more money, I'd become an MFM OB. 

9. Where do you spend most of your time online? What is the attraction?

Instagram -- I'm obsessed with discovering new filters, apps and photographers. 

10. If you won a trip to any place in the world and you had to leave tomorrow where would you go and who would you take with you?

Genova, Italy with my husband so he could see his family and friends. 

11. Why do you blog?

I don't want the world to forget my son. I've also found a lot of support from other BLM bloggers and writing is a healthy outlet for me to express my grief. 

...To Haydon's Mommy

1.  What do you hope 2013 will be like for you?
Healing, peaceful, and hopeful. Less stressful and more productive! I hope at the end of the year, I can look back and say I accomplished something. 

2.  If you could give advice to any other grieving parent, what would it be?
Find a healthy outlet for your grief. Don't listen to people who are not supportive. Do what you can to get through each day. Speak your child's name. Connect with other BLMs. Pray and pray some more.  

3.  When you are upset, what brings you most comfort?
Praying, crying, writing. 

4.  If there was a house fire, what objects would you rescue first?
I've thought about this often, even though there's virtually 0% chance of a fire being able to burn down my house... we have ceiling sprinklers and the fire department is 1 minute away. But if something were to happen, I'd grab Gabriel's ashes, his memory box, my camera, my laptop and my cat. 

5.  What quotes can you most relate to?
I love quotes by Mary Oliver, Kahlil Gibran and this one by Alfred Lord Tennyson:
"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

6.  If you could move to anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I'd love to live in Hawaii... it's tropical and beautiful, but also modern. 

7.  Describe a perfect day?
A day at Disneyland :)

8.  If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
I wish I never ever procrastinated.

9.  Why do you blog?
I don't want the world to forget my son. I've also found a lot of support from other BLM bloggers and writing is a healthy outlet for me to express my grief.

10.  What 'words' has someone said to you that has stayed in your mind and won't leave? (good or bad)
My dad's a lawyer and he's always telling me that if I'm ever arrested to say nothing to anyone except to ask for a lawyer. These words have become permanently engraved on my brain, even though I've never even come close to being arrested. Whenever I see a show where someone caves under pressure and confesses to a cop, I want to scream out at them to call their lawyer. Thanks Dad =P

11.  Will you let me know that you have entered this competition and answered these questions? I'd love to know xx
Sure!


To Calypso's Mommy

1) If you could go one place in the world and money or time wasn't an object where would you go?
Tokyo, Hong Kong or Seoul... There are so many cities in Asia I'm dying to see. 

2) If you could go back in time and meet one famous person who would it be? Why?
This one is easy... Lucille Ball. She is so fascinating!

3) What are your irrational fears? Spiders? Bugs? Anything
Being kidnapped or having someone break into my house. 

4) What is your favorite color?
Don't really have one, but I tend to like "natural" colors like greens, blues and purples that appear in nature.

5) Coffee or Cocoa?
Coffee

6) What is your favorite season and why?
Summer, because it's pretty much all we get here in L.A... I also love the sunshine.

7) Favorite Holiday?
It used to be Christmas, but now all holidays are sort of depressing.

8) Day or Night??
Night

9) Do you like flea markets or garage sales?
I don't really ever go to garage sales... but I do love flea markets!

10) What is the best item you've ever found in a place that was unusual and what was it?
I don't think I've ever found anything that great in an unusual place. But, once when I was in high school, my sister and I were at Target and we found a purse that had been left in a shopping cart in one of those cart stalls in the parking lot. We called the owner and returned it though so we didn't get anything out of it except a clear conscience.

11) What kinds of crafts do you like to do?
Unfortunately I'm not really crafty, though I wish I was. I like scrapbooking, painting, and sewing but I'm not very good at any of them. 


I am passing the Liebster to the following bloggers:

Shauna at Pinwheels from Heaven
Kyla at Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks
Tina at Elena's Echoes
Lisa at Dear Finley
Tesha at Tesha's Treasures
Leslie at The Journey Through Life
RaeAnne at Nothing Without You
Tiffany at The Hebbs
Claudia at Silent Love
Carrie at This Day of Bliss
Anna at Precious Baby Alanna Phoebe


My Questions:

1. Do you believe in Heaven? Why or why not?
2. What is your favorite book?
3. Have you ever been on T.V.?
4. Do you have any tattoos? If so, describe them.
5. What are you most proud of?
6. Do you remember what you dreamed about last night?
7. Would you rather cook or do the dishes?
8. Have you ever been on a blind date? If so, how was it?
9. Have you ever met a famous person? If so, who? If not, who would you like to meet?
10. What is the best gift you have received related to the loss of your baby?
11. If they made a movie about you and your life, what would the title be?

Walking With You - Clinging in the Pit

What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? 

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how I survived those early (earlier/earliest) days of grief. 

I remember clearly waking up morning after morning in the illusive pit of despair, trapped in the darkness. The only person I could talk to was my husband. He understood, he listened, he cried with me. I was grateful to have someone who loved me and that grief didn't destroy our relationship...

But still, losing a baby is brutally isolating. Every person falls into their own personal pit. It's like solitary confinement for the bereaved. I was comforted in knowing that my husband was close by, but even so, his heart was not fractured in the exact same way as mine. His pain and his burdens were and still are unique, and it's just not possible to know someone else's grief, as closely as you know your own.  

In the earliest days, tears flowed until my eyes were so swollen, they were physically unable to produce more tear drops. They weren't instigated by a thought or a feeling, but something deeper - a sense of failure rooted into my soul. My heart was in pain. And the only way my body could react was to sob uncontrollably.

During that time, my grief was complicated and overwhelming. But worst of all, it was dominated by guilt.  

Guilt...

Relentless Guilt.

I was drowning in it. A running list of regrets kept revolving around in my mind, over and over again. I blamed myself because it was my responsibility to make his birthday special and memorable, and I had failed.

It was all my fault.

I was a bad mother.

I had forgotten everything.

I didn't take enough photos.

I didn't get enough foot prints.

I didn't prepare enough.

I didn't sing to him.

I should have done...

I could have done...

I wish I could go back and do everything differently...

Oh how I wish I could go back...

For days and then weeks, I was lost in the deepest, darkest chambers of an empty, broken world, unable or perhaps just unwilling to leave. I didn't possess enough strength or motivation to escape it. 

The worst part about guilt is the feeling that punishment is deserved. I was torturing myself with guilt. Because I felt guilty! A cruel cycle. Bitter irony.

About 6 weeks after Gabriel died, I took a trip to the craft store for the first time in years. I went there to purchase fabric and materials to make a prayer flag for Carly Marie's Prayer Flag Ceremony. As I walked up and down the aisles, I was consumed with guilt, like an ocean current had just dumped a fresh batch of regrets on my already weighted-down heart. I should have made him something while I was pregnant... a blanket, a onesie, a hat, something with his name on it. Why didn't I make him something?

It was then that I realized that somehow, someway I had to let go of The Guilt. It was imprisoning me in the pit and I was beginning to feel desperate to escape. I needed to find a healthy and healing way to grieve and self-loathing was never going to take me there. 

I started going to church again. I prayed to God and begged Him for peace. I told Him that this cross was too heavy. It was crushing me and I felt like I couldn't stand up with such a heavy weight resting on my back. I asked Him if He would take it away and that if He did, I would accept His plan and praise Him. I clung to the promises that Scripture speaks of, the faith that God is real, and the hope that He would answer my prayers. 

I continued praying as often as I could and found an unexpected sanctuary in those moments of prayer.  I felt deeply comforted when I spoke to Him. I stopped dwelling on the guilt and instead focused on a fervent devotion to Him. In return, He lifted that oppressive cross and I was relieved of a tremendous burden. In a mysterious act of God, my heart was filled with peace and understanding. I felt like the top of the pit had been uncovered to reveal a bright ray of light. 

I can't fully describe what it was like to feel the warmth of His light or to receive an answer to my desperate pleas. But one day I woke up and I wasn't in the pit anymore. Somewhere deep inside me, He had embedded the awareness that I needed to forgive myself for I was not at fault.  That realization sparked a change. My hope was restored. And the guilt had been left behind. 

God had saved me, just as He promised. He told me to cling to the hope that He would save me. The hope that He would be compassionate. The hope that through His immense mercy, I would see my son again one day. The hope that His plan was not without rewards for the faithful who suffer.

He placed on my heart, many beautiful and positive ways to channel my grief and led me to find new ones on my own. I started to appreciate all of the amazing beauty that Gabriel had inspired. And I knew clearly that I was supposed to dedicate my life to the One who filled my heart with merciful peace, and the little one who filled it with everlasting love.

Here is a list of where and how I have found healing and solace:

The BLM Blogging/Online World

Photography

Faith's Lodge

Gabriel's Garden

Keeping Gabriel's memory alive / writing and speaking his name / sharing his story

Returning to school, to pursue a new dream

Praying / Church / Scripture

I know in my heart that I will never return to that first pit of despair where I once laid, vulnerable and alone. But I do fear that more pits await me in the future. I trust the Lord when He says He will carry me over them, and that He won't let me fall into another trap of hopelessness. But, still I know that the path of healing isn't without its set-backs - daunting obstacles and hidden pits. To overcome them, I know I will need to rely on God and the support and guidance of those who are further down the road, shouting back at me, Watch out for that one!

I am grateful that God has blessed me with the love and comforting words of those who understand how cold and dark it is in the bottom of the pit, and therefore they keep the path of healing illuminated for me.

If you're in the pit, I encourage you to speak about your loss. Share your story. Share your fears. Share your wisdom. Support others and allow them to support you. Learn from those who are ahead of you and guide those who are further behind.

If you're struggling with your faith in God, my hope for you is that you won't give up searching for Him in your life. It feels impossible, (I know) but trust that He will rescue you from your darkest moments. Remind yourself every day in which you find yourself laying at the bottom of the pit, that the One who died for our sins, has told us that what is impossible with men, is possible with God. (Luke 18:27) Give God the fears that dwell in your heart, the pain that overwhelms your soul, the anger and resentment you harbor for Him and others because you're hurting so fiercely. If you feel lonely and abandoned, hold onto the truth that you are loved and will never be forgotten. But most of all, believe Him when He tells you that He has graciously created a beautiful life just for you... because He has.

I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares the Lord; they are plans for peace, not disaster, to give you a future filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 CEB)


TrackBacks:
Walking With You Week 1

Tutorial: How to Touch-Up Your Baby's Footprints

This tutorial will explain how to touch-up and save a digital copy of your baby's footprints. 

There are many ways to touch up photos, but this is the easiest way I could think of without using expensive software.

REASONS WHY you may want to touch-up your baby's prints:
1. You want to design a memorial tattoo or work on a project with your baby's footprints.
2. You're not happy with how the originals came out.

REASONS WHY you should save your baby's prints:
1. They will fade over time, just like all ink does.
2. They could get damaged with handling -- oils from your fingers will cause noticeable damage over time.
3. They could accidentally be lost.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
1. A camera or iPhone -- for best results use a camera with a minimum of 8 Megapixels, 10 or 12 would be better. You could also use a scanner if you have a good one.
2. The clearest/darkest copy of your baby's prints.
3. A computer with photo editing software such as Photoshop or GIMP as well as IrfanView or a similar program. (Both GIMP and IrfanView are free to download).

ESTIMATED TIME:
From start to finish this took me about 20 minutes. If you're not as familiar with GIMP, it may take a little longer.

STEPS:
1. Place your baby's footprints on a clean, dry, flat surface.

2. Take a picture in a bright (preferably sunlit) place. You don't want any glares, sun flares or highs/lows, so it's best to take the picture indoors in a well-lit room. I like taking pictures next to the window when it's sunny. Take the picture holding the camera directly over the prints, and as close as possible. Make sure the lens is focused on the footprints. Do NOT use the zoom and do NOT use the flash.

3. Upload the picture to your computer and double check that it is not blurry and the edges aren't cut off.

This is how your picture should look:

4. Open your photo in GIMP or Photoshop or a similar program. 

5. Select the Eraser tool and delete anything you want to remove, such as wording and smudges. Make sure your eraser color is white. If you're more advanced at editing, this would be the time to do any other touch-ups as well. 

6. When you're done, you'll need to adjust the color curves. In GIMP, this feature is located under the "COLORS" tab.

7. Adjust the color curves by pulling the center point towards the upper left quadrant until the background fades to white and you can no longer see your eraser marks. It's okay if the footprints fade, but they should not disappear completely. When you're done, make sure you click OK.

8. Now you're ready to save (FILE: SAVE) your photo. Make sure you FLATTEN IMAGE and save at the 100% quality level. 

9.  Next, open your new saved photo in IrfanView. Open the Color Corrections window (located under the IMAGE tab).

10. Reduce the Gamma Correction, darkening the footprints until they return to their original color. 

11. Make sure you save the new photo. They should look something like this! 

12. In IrfanView, you can also make basic color changes. For example if you want them to be blue, just increase the level of blue. Make sure you SAVE AS a new file name so that you don't overwrite your original file. (If you're interested in making more precise color changes, you can do so in GIMP.)

13. If you want, you can add wording. I used Adobe Illustrator because it's the easiest way for me, but you can certainly use any photo-editing program that allows you to add text (such as GIMP or Photoshop Elements). You may need to open a blank canvas, and place your footprint photo in the center to allow additional room to add the text.

Here's an example:

14. You also may want to measure the original foot prints and keep a record of the length and width so that you know their exact size. (Just in case something happens to the originals)

15. The last step is to save the footprints. Save the original, as well as any edits. I highly recommend saving them somewhere online. The easiest option is to email them to yourself and save them in an email folder. That way if anything happens to your computer, you'll be able to access them from another one. 

NOTE: Obviously, these aren't a replacement for the originals, but at least this way you know you have a copy that is safe in case anything were to happen to the originals. Also, they are now ready to use for any projects you may have in mind. 

To best preserve the originals, store them in a cool, DRY place in an envelope. Try not to expose them to light or air too often as that will cause them to fade faster. Also never touch the ink, as the oils from your fingers will cause smudging and discoloration. 

If you have any questions or need help, just leave a comment below!

Gabriel's 6 Month Birthday Giveaway (Closed)

Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter the giveaway and if you have not done so already, please take a moment to read the entry rules:

-Only ONE entry per person.
-Only babyloss parents may enter.
-Please do NOT enter on behalf of another person.
-Please do NOT cheat or lie -- You will be disqualified.
-If you have any questions, please message me or email me before entering.
-2 winners will be chosen (randomly using Rafflecopter). Whoever is chosen first will have their first pick of the 2 prizes.
-Winners will be announced on January 19th. You must contact me within 72 hours, otherwise a new winner will be chosen.
-Please make sure you comment on the PINNED post with only ONE first name, nickname, "Baby Last Name", or "Last Name Babies."

Thank you so much!!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Walking With You - Intro and Where We Are Now

[I've decided to participate in Sufficient Grace's Walking With You series for mothers and families who have lost a child. I hope that this writing project helps me to express in words what it feels like to grieve the loss of a baby, a subject that has been difficult for me to write about. I find it unbelievably challenging to adequately describe the feelings that encompass losing a child. I can never seem to find the right words. It makes me realize how unnatural babyloss is -- our language doesn't even include sufficient vocabulary to describe it.]

Week 1: Introduction and Where We Are Now

Hello Everyone! I'm Catherine and my son's name is Gabriel. I live in Los Angeles with my husband. DH and I were married in February 2011 and for several months we were happy newlyweds, enjoying life as a two-some. Later that year we started discussing the possibility of expanding our family and in January 2012, we learned I was pregnant with our first baby.

DH and I were thrilled and we spent the next few months reaching levels of excitement and eagerness that only first-time-parents-to-be get to experience. Everything was going great... why wouldn't it be? We were young, healthy, average people.

What could ever go wrong?

So we thought. 

In May, a series of ultrasounds revealed that our baby would not survive after birth. I was 19 weeks pregnant and we had only two options and one very difficult choice. We could continue the pregnancy knowing that our baby would die before or shortly after birth, or we could end the pregnancy that week. Every waking moment of every day I prayed for secret option #3.

Despite our prayers, hopes, dreams and deepest wishes, on July 19th, 2012, we welcomed our precious son to the world just a few hours after his Father embraced him in Heaven. If interested, you can read more about Gabriel here.

It's now been 5 months, 2 weeks and 6 days since that beautiful and tragic day.

I've been grieving for many months now, but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure where I am in my grief journey. I often feel like I've been walking on this journey for ages; grief has become inexplicably familiar. And yet some days it feels so foreign and fresh, like I just realized all of a sudden, that this is all real.

In the beginning, I cried all the time, until my eyes were swollen and my heart literally felt broken. But now, I go days without crying and only occasionally find myself with my head in my hands, sobbing inconsolably. I know it sounds strange, but I actually wish I cried more often. I've come to welcome those moments where my grief consumes me because it's when I'm most grief-stricken that I feel closest to Gabriel.

I sometimes worry that healing will cause me to drift further and further away from him. I'm still trying to figure out how to move forward without continually feeling guilty that I'm abandoning my son in the past. I don't want to forget anything about him and I feel like relinquishing the pain means having to let go of a piece of him. I want to remember the tremendous joy and love, but I also want to hold on to the sorrow. I want to ache deeply for my son, but of course, part of me also wants to heal.

These past few weeks, I have been asking the Lord to help me find a balance, to teach me how to delicately tread in between grief and healing. I have immense faith that in time, He will show me the way. That He will hold my hand and not just walk beside me on this journey, but rather, that He will guide me.

I may never fully understand it, but I am learning to accept God's will for what it is... His plan, not mine. I trust that He is in control of my destiny and that I am walking this journey because Light and Eternal Love await me at the end of it.

I pray that with His guidance, my journey of grief will evolve into a bridge that connects my heart and soul not just to my beloved son... but also to my loving Father.

Do you believe in MOM?

One of my friends posted this little apologue on Facebook the other day and I wanted to share it with those of you who have never read it.

I've copied the original version for those of you who can read Italian, and I've also translated it in English below...

Nel ventre di una donna incinta si trovavano due bebè. Uno di loro chiese all'altro:
- Tu credi nella vita dopo il parto?
- Certo. Qualcosa deve esserci dopo il parto. Forse siamo qui per prepararci per quello saremo più tardi.
- Sciocchezze! Non c'è una vita dopo il parto. Come sarebbe quella vita?
- Non lo so, ma sicuramente... ci sarà più luce che qua. Magari cammineremo con le nostre
gambe e ci ciberemo dalla bocca.
- Ma è assurdo! Camminare è impossibile. E mangiare dalla bocca? Ridicolo! Il cordone ombelicale è la via d'alimentazione... Ti dico una cosa: la vita dopo il parto è da escludere. Il cordone ombelicale è troppo corto.
- Invece io credo che debba esserci qualcosa. E forse sarà diverso da quello cui siamo abituati ad avere qui.
- Però nessuno è tornato dall'aldilà, dopo il parto. Il parto è la fine della vita. E in fin dei conti, la vita non è altro che un'angosciante esistenza nel buio che ci porta al nulla.
- Beh, io non so esattamente come sarà dopo il parto, ma sicuramente vedremo la MAMMA e lei si prenderà cura di noi.
- MAMMA? Tu credi nella MAMMA? E dove credi che sia lei ora?
- Dove? Tutto intorno a noi! E' in lei e grazie a lei che viviamo. Senza di lei tutto questo mondo non esisterebbe.
- Eppure io non ci credo! Non ho mai visto la MAMMA, per cui, è logico che non esista.
- Ok, ma a volte, quando siamo in silenzio, si riesce a sentirla o percepire come accarezza il nostro mondo. Sai?... Io penso che ci sia una vita reale che ci aspetta e che ora soltanto stiamo preparandoci per essa...


In the belly of a pregnant woman, there were two babies. One of them asked the other:
-Do you believe in life after birth?
-Of course. Something must be after birth. Maybe we're here to prepare for what will occur later.
-Nonsense! There is no life after birth. What would that life be like?
-I don't know, but certainly, there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and will eat with our mouths.
-But that's absurd! Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord is the way to eat... I'll tell you one thing... life after birth is out of the question. The umbilical cord is too short.
-Instead I believe there has to be something. And maybe it will be different from what we're used to in here.
-But no one has ever returned from the afterlife, after being born. Birth is the end of life. And ultimately, life is nothing but a distressing existence in the dark that leads us nowhere.
-Well, I don't know exactly how it will be after birth, but surely we'll see MOM and she will take care of us.
-MOM? You believe in MOM? And where do you believe that she is now?
-Where? All around us! We're inside her and it's thanks to her that we're alive. Without her, this whole world would not exist.
-I still don't believe it! I've never seen MOM, so it only makes sense that she doesn't exist.
-Okay, but sometimes, when we're silent, you can hear her or feel that she is caressing our world. You know?... I think there is a real life that awaits us, and that we are only now preparing for it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This analogy of birth and death reminds me that even though we can't see God or even begin to understand what Heaven is like, that doesn't mean They don't exist. Of course nobody knows for sure, but I like to imagine that God is out there somewhere laughing to Himself when we say things like, "Where is God? I don't see Him so how can He exist?" and that are children are in Heaven patiently and joyfully awaiting our "births."

Embracing 2013

No matter what happens this year, I resolve to do my best to fill the next 12 months with priceless memories, meaningful relationships, dreams, hope, love and beauty, and to work on the goals I have in mind.

I want 2013 to be everything 2012 could have been (should have been), and I pray that God grants me a year of healing instead of another year of loss. This year I will keep Gabriel's memory alive by speaking his name, sharing his story, and doing whatever I can to offer support to the babyloss community. But I will also honor his life by learning from it, by gaining courage from it, and by living my life to the fullest despite missing such a significant piece of my heart.

I feel like my life became unraveled and sort of fell apart after Gabriel died. I hope 2013 brings me the strength and tools to put it back together. I hope that my 2013 journey includes more grieving and healing, and less hurting and regretting. I hope that I can truly and fully give my burdens to the Lord and allow Him to help me find happiness and peace.

Yesterday, I made a list of my 2013 new year's resolutions. It's not so different than my list of 2012 resolutions. Some I accomplished last year, though not in the way I had planned (so they're back on the list); others I didn't even begin working on. Having a baby was something I wanted to do in 2012. I did have a baby, but I don't know if Gabriel counts. Not that he isn't my baby. He is and always will be my firstborn child, but I feel as though I've failed us both in fulfilling that resolution. I've always wanted 2 or 3 (living) children, and instead I have 1 angel and an overwhelming inability to even envision having a healthy baby.

I suppose this would be a good time to add "Being Positive" to my list of 2013 new year's resolutions.

That brings the total number of resolutions to 12.

12 resolutions, 12 months.

At least on paper it sounds good :)

The sky on January 1, 2013 -- seeing the bright blue sky reminded me to start the new year with hope!