Last Friday I went to see my doctor to follow up on results for a home sleep study that I did. My doctor suspected that I might have sleep apnea, but it turns out that I am just a "very disturbed" sleeper. Even though I laid in bed for a little over 8 hours, I only slept for 4 1/2 hours, which means that I spend almost half of the night either awakening from sleep or not sleeping at all. Basically, I'm suffering from severe sleep deprivation.
It doesn't appear that I have any breathing problems that are causing me to wake up during the night. It's possible that I do have another medical issue such as Restless Leg Syndrome that's repeatedly waking me up. But my doctor believes that the reason is probably psychological. She thinks that I may have suppressed anxiety caused by constantly holding in my emotions, especially those related to losing Gabriel and trying to get pregnant again after a loss. She said that people who have a positive disposition (like I do) tend to (unknowingly) keep negative thoughts and feelings inside where they're basically left to wreak havoc on our subconscious. (Awesome, right?)
In order to cure my sleep disorder, she's recommended a moderate dose of melatonin and 15 minutes of yoga before bedtime in order to relax my body. She also recommended that I stop spending so much time online submersed in the babyloss and infertility world, as constant exposure could be repeatedly triggering unhealthy subconscious anxiety (even if it doesn't feel that way at the time).
Lastly she's recommended that I become more emotionally open because bottling up or suppressing feelings of pain, suffering, grief or frustration can lead to anxiety which in turn leads to a myriad of other health problems such as sleep loss, hormonal imbalances, even infertility. And because that anxiety is not being let out in a healthy way during the day, it often presents itself at night through unconscious means like bad dreams or disturbed sleep.
Even though at first I was pretty surprised by the results of the sleep study and even more surprised by my doctor's recommendations, it's actually starting to make a lot of sense. Some days I do feel overwhelmed or I get a surge of anger or frustration or sorrow and I don't know where to channel it properly so I just keep it inside. It doesn't really appear to affect me but over the course of time I guess it has and in a pretty detrimental way.
I feel really lucky to have a doctor who doesn't automatically write a prescription to mask a symptom, but instead tries to figure out what is the underlying cause. She's actually the first doctor I've gone to whose even taken an interest in my sleep and cared enough to test me for sleep apnea. I'm really glad she suggested some natural remedies and that she carefully considered my medical background before making her recommendations.
With that said, I've been taking my nightly dose of melatonin and doing my 15 minute yoga routine for the past few nights. I'm also doing 5-10 minutes of meditation each night to induce calm and relaxation. And of course, I'm dwindling down the amount of time I spend doing research online and reading babyloss-related websites and blogs. The combination of everything seems to be helping. Even though I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night, I don't feel like I'm waking up as often as before. Also, I feel noticeably more rested when I wake up and slightly less fatigued in the late afternoon. Hopefully I'll continue to make progress over the next few weeks as I learn how to better manage my subconscious nightly anxiety.
If anybody has any suggestions for getting better sleep or reducing anxiety, I'd really love to hear them!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
The Alternate Day
May 15, 2012: If somehow I had the power to change one day of my life, I would choose this one.
On this day, one year ago, the doctor walks into the exam room with a smile on her face instead of that unmistakable look of someone about to deliver bad news. She introduces herself and asks us why we've come to see her. We explain that another doctor has found several complications and that he's concerned about our baby. Despite the panic in our voices, the doctor doesn't seem worried. As she performs the ultrasound, the image of our baby appears on the screen in front of us. The doctor points to our baby's beating heart and says that his heartbeat is strong and healthy. She measures the baby's bones and they are the length they should be. She assesses the level of amniotic fluid and says that it's exactly the level it's supposed to be. She checks the baby's abdomen and doesn't find any complications. Miraculously, our baby isn't sick after all. She explains that whatever the other doctor saw yesterday must have corrected itself overnight. We are so relieved. Our hearts are filled with joy. We are okay because our baby is okay. Instead of feeling heartbreakingly unlucky, we feel unbelievably blessed. Instead of receiving the most devastating news, we receive the incredible gift of a healthy baby. Instead of losing everything, we're able to reach out and grab onto a lifetime of dreams.
On this day, one year ago, the doctor walks into the exam room with a smile on her face instead of that unmistakable look of someone about to deliver bad news. She introduces herself and asks us why we've come to see her. We explain that another doctor has found several complications and that he's concerned about our baby. Despite the panic in our voices, the doctor doesn't seem worried. As she performs the ultrasound, the image of our baby appears on the screen in front of us. The doctor points to our baby's beating heart and says that his heartbeat is strong and healthy. She measures the baby's bones and they are the length they should be. She assesses the level of amniotic fluid and says that it's exactly the level it's supposed to be. She checks the baby's abdomen and doesn't find any complications. Miraculously, our baby isn't sick after all. She explains that whatever the other doctor saw yesterday must have corrected itself overnight. We are so relieved. Our hearts are filled with joy. We are okay because our baby is okay. Instead of feeling heartbreakingly unlucky, we feel unbelievably blessed. Instead of receiving the most devastating news, we receive the incredible gift of a healthy baby. Instead of losing everything, we're able to reach out and grab onto a lifetime of dreams.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day Past
It seems like last Mother's Day was so long ago... just a year's gone by... and yet everything has changed.
Last Mother's Day, I was happily pregnant and blissfully unaware that something was wrong with our baby.
Last Mother's Day, I celebrated Mother's Day for the first time. I felt the first joys of motherhood and felt so lucky to know that by next Mother's Day, I'd have a baby in my arms.
Last Mother's Day was the first time I felt him kick. And ironically that tiny kick gave me so much reassurance that everything was going to be okay.
Last Mother's Day, I bought my first set of "maternity" clothes, some size medium shirts and stretchy black leggings. I would never grow big enough to need real maternity clothes.
Last Mother's Day, I looked forward to my ultrasound appointment the next day. I would get to see my baby again and learn if we were having a boy or girl. Instead, I was told that our baby was very sick and would most likely not survive.
Last Mother's Day was the end of the road. The very last day I'd spend on the other side of life. The next day I'd be forced to climb over the wall, find a new path, and continue forward without the dreams and wishes that I had carried around for so long.
It's heartbreaking to think that last Mother's Day was the only joyous one I'll probably ever have. This Mother's Day and every single one to come will be yet another reminder of how quickly life can change from perfect to tragic in just one day.
I'll feel eternally blessed if I ever have more children, if I can ever celebrate this day with a living child in my arms, but even so, Mother's Day will always be a day that reminds me so much of Gabriel.
It will forever be the day that I celebrated with him and the day that I never could.
Last Mother's Day, I was happily pregnant and blissfully unaware that something was wrong with our baby.
Last Mother's Day, I celebrated Mother's Day for the first time. I felt the first joys of motherhood and felt so lucky to know that by next Mother's Day, I'd have a baby in my arms.
Last Mother's Day was the first time I felt him kick. And ironically that tiny kick gave me so much reassurance that everything was going to be okay.
Last Mother's Day, I bought my first set of "maternity" clothes, some size medium shirts and stretchy black leggings. I would never grow big enough to need real maternity clothes.
Last Mother's Day, I looked forward to my ultrasound appointment the next day. I would get to see my baby again and learn if we were having a boy or girl. Instead, I was told that our baby was very sick and would most likely not survive.
Last Mother's Day was the end of the road. The very last day I'd spend on the other side of life. The next day I'd be forced to climb over the wall, find a new path, and continue forward without the dreams and wishes that I had carried around for so long.
It's heartbreaking to think that last Mother's Day was the only joyous one I'll probably ever have. This Mother's Day and every single one to come will be yet another reminder of how quickly life can change from perfect to tragic in just one day.
I'll feel eternally blessed if I ever have more children, if I can ever celebrate this day with a living child in my arms, but even so, Mother's Day will always be a day that reminds me so much of Gabriel.
It will forever be the day that I celebrated with him and the day that I never could.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Tutorial: How to Digitally Add Your Baby's Name to Photos
This tutorial will demonstrate an easy way to digitally embed your baby's name onto photographs.
Nowadays, you can just download an app if you have an iphone or ipad. But the drawback is that you will be limited to what fonts you can use, and many apps will shrink your photos. Personally, I prefer to use my computer to add names to photos because I feel like it's faster and I have more options available than when I use my iphone.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
1. A photograph or graphic. You can use any photo as long as there is enough space to add text. (You can download the sunset photo HERE.)
2. A computer with photo editing software such as Photoshop or GIMP. I use Adobe Photoshop but because most of you don't have this software, I'm going to do the tutorial using GIMP which is free and safe to download HERE, as long as you have Windows XP or later. If that link doesn't work for you, try THIS ONE.
3. The font that you want to use. You can download some awesome free fonts HERE and HERE.
ESTIMATED TIME:
From start to finish this took me less than 5 minutes, not including the time it took to install GIMP. If you're not as familiar with GIMP, it may take a little longer.
I've made a video tutorial that's been added at the end of this post, and I've also written out step by step instructions with photos.
STEPS:
1. Open GIMP. Then open (FILE >> OPEN...) your photo. Make sure your toolbox window is open on the left hand side.
2. Click on the letter "A" found in the toolbox panel. A text settings box should open up on the bottom half of your toolbox panel.
3. Click on the square box next to "Font" to change the font. I'm using Jellyka Delicious Cake, but feel free to use any font that you like.
~Then use the up arrow to increase the size of your font or just type it in. Start with 200 px and later you can adjust it.
~Then change the color by clicking on the black rectangle box. A "Text Color" window will open. Change the font to white.
6. Now you'll need to rotate your text. To do so click on the rotate tool (it's located beneath the magnifying glass), circled below in red.
9. Make sure when you save your photo that the quality scale is set to 100, if you're saving it in JPEG format. As a general rule, you never want to use a program like GIMP to compress your photos because you will notice a loss in quality.
If you did everything correctly, this is what your finished photo should look like:
If the above instructions were confusing, try watching this video tutorial:
If you have any questions, or need help, feel free to leave a comment below or send me an email!
Nowadays, you can just download an app if you have an iphone or ipad. But the drawback is that you will be limited to what fonts you can use, and many apps will shrink your photos. Personally, I prefer to use my computer to add names to photos because I feel like it's faster and I have more options available than when I use my iphone.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
1. A photograph or graphic. You can use any photo as long as there is enough space to add text. (You can download the sunset photo HERE.)
2. A computer with photo editing software such as Photoshop or GIMP. I use Adobe Photoshop but because most of you don't have this software, I'm going to do the tutorial using GIMP which is free and safe to download HERE, as long as you have Windows XP or later. If that link doesn't work for you, try THIS ONE.
3. The font that you want to use. You can download some awesome free fonts HERE and HERE.
ESTIMATED TIME:
From start to finish this took me less than 5 minutes, not including the time it took to install GIMP. If you're not as familiar with GIMP, it may take a little longer.
I've made a video tutorial that's been added at the end of this post, and I've also written out step by step instructions with photos.
STEPS:
1. Open GIMP. Then open (FILE >> OPEN...) your photo. Make sure your toolbox window is open on the left hand side.
2. Click on the letter "A" found in the toolbox panel. A text settings box should open up on the bottom half of your toolbox panel.
3. Click on the square box next to "Font" to change the font. I'm using Jellyka Delicious Cake, but feel free to use any font that you like.
~Then use the up arrow to increase the size of your font or just type it in. Start with 200 px and later you can adjust it.
~Then change the color by clicking on the black rectangle box. A "Text Color" window will open. Change the font to white.
4. After you finish adjusting your text settings, click anywhere on your photo. A small window will open. Type your baby's name inside this window. Then click "CLOSE".
5. Your baby's name should now be visible. Now is the time to adjust the size using the up/down arrows in your text settings (circled below in red).
~Also, if your Layers, Channels, Paths toolbar is not already open, you'll need to open it now. You can find it under the "Windows" menu.
~Change the Opacity to 70% by dragging the slider (outlined below in red.)
~The Rotate Window will pop up. Change the angle by pulling up on the bottom right corner, or by using the up/down arrows. Click ROTATE when you're finished.
7. To move the text, click on the Move Button on your Toolbox (circled below in red). Make sure that your text layer is selected (it should be light grey) on the Layers, Channels, Paths panel (outlined below in red). Also, make sure to select the "Move the active layer" option in your Toolbox (circled below in blue).
~Now you can drag your text and move it to the correct location.
8. That's it... You're done! Now you just need to save your finished photo.
FILE >> SAVE AS (Make sure you re-name your photo, otherwise it will overwrite the original photo.
~You'll need to flatten your image before saving it as a JPEG. You can do so by clicking "Export."
If you did everything correctly, this is what your finished photo should look like:
If the above instructions were confusing, try watching this video tutorial:
If you have any questions, or need help, feel free to leave a comment below or send me an email!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Still Standing
Oftentimes, when I pause to think about where I am in my life, it all feels so surreal.
Did I really lose a baby last year? Was he real? Am I really that person? How did things take such a turn for the worse so quickly?
I'm not sure if it's been a really long or a really short amount of time, but I see that a change has occurred in me and in the world that most closely encompasses me.
In certain ways, my life is harder. It's impossible some days. My heart is broken and my once dependable world has now become unbearably fragile. I miss my son. I would do anything to have him here with me. I want to be a mother to a living baby instead of an angel baby. I want things to be as they were supposed to be. I want a chance to start over and get it right.
But then there's part of me that embraces this tragedy in a strange inexplicable way. Because of this experience, I am a stronger, more sensitive and more appreciative person. I feel more alive now than I ever have before, perhaps because something so raw and so real happened that it awakened some kind of dormant energy. And though I wish things were so very different for all of us, I can't help but cherish the friends I've made and the incredible kindness that's been shown to me. I'm not sure that if Gabriel has lived, there ever would have come a time in my life that I would have known the kind of support and love that I've experienced during the past nine months.
And for that support, I am grateful.
To everyone who reads this blog, emails me on the 19th of each month, follows me on Facebook, writes Gabriel's name, thinks of him ever, or prays for me, I am so very grateful. Words cannot express how blessed I feel to know you.
I lost a huge piece of my heart. I will never watch my sweet little boy grow up. Sadly, I am a bereaved mother.
But because I have loving support and because I have found healing, I am still standing.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Parenting For Dummies
Last night, my husband pointed out this news story to me.
A five year old boy accidentally shot and killed his two year old sister with a "toy" rifle that his parents bought him for his birthday.
These types of stories have always angered me, but ever since Gabriel died, I have this urge to get in my car, drive to the home of these parents and strangle them with my bare hands.
This is why some days, I have a difficult time believing in God and question who or what would allow these people to keep their babies when so many others have to lose theirs. I feel like I'm the punch line of some cruel cosmic joke.
Universe: Why did the morons with no common sense get to keep their babies and you didn't?
Me: I don't know. I give up.
Universe: Because you would have been a responsible and caring mother and not buy your five year old a gun. Haha, get it?
Needless to say, I would never give my child a gun. And I would never leave my two small children alone in a room with a weapon. I'm not claiming to be the world's greatest mother, but at least I have enough common sense to not buy my five year old a weapon. (Aren't they barely able to play with legos at this age because of the choking hazard?)
It makes me so mad that there are people out there who are so completely oblivious to how lucky they are to have healthy living children, that they're willing to put their children in harm's way.
(These people need to be sterilized. I'm sorry, but they do!)
It is infuriating that this mother is not facing criminal charges related to the death of her daughter. I know it was an accident and I know losing her daughter is the worst punishment possible. But shouldn't it be illegal to leave your five year old and two year old alone with a gun? It's just so grossly negligent and if you're buying a toy rifle for your son, clearly you don't have the greatest judgement to begin with.
I'm so sad that another innocent child has died. And I'm really concerned for the five year old boy who at such an innocent age has to come to terms with the fact that he killed his younger sister.
In this article, you can see photos of the little girl, Caroline and you can also read this little gem of a quote by her grandmother:
"It was God's will. It was her time to go I guess?"
WTF? Clearly, stupidity is genetic.
Lastly, I'd just like to say that I'm appalled by this quote
"I've been the county coroner for 15 years and I think this is the first time I've had a case like this," White said. "I'm hoping that parents will realize that if you have kids, you need to put the guns out of harm's way."
Seriously, who doesn't know this already?! Shouldn't that go without saying?! I know there's no parenting handbook out there, but isn't keeping guns away from small children kind of common sense?! Why do we need other people to tell us to keep deadly weapons away from our kids?!
Now for a quick lesson for stupid, unfit parents everywhere: Don't leave your small children alone with weapons that could potentially harm them or others. Guns and toddlers do not belong together. How you don't already know this... I'll never understand.
A five year old boy accidentally shot and killed his two year old sister with a "toy" rifle that his parents bought him for his birthday.
These types of stories have always angered me, but ever since Gabriel died, I have this urge to get in my car, drive to the home of these parents and strangle them with my bare hands.
This is why some days, I have a difficult time believing in God and question who or what would allow these people to keep their babies when so many others have to lose theirs. I feel like I'm the punch line of some cruel cosmic joke.
Universe: Why did the morons with no common sense get to keep their babies and you didn't?
Me: I don't know. I give up.
Universe: Because you would have been a responsible and caring mother and not buy your five year old a gun. Haha, get it?
Needless to say, I would never give my child a gun. And I would never leave my two small children alone in a room with a weapon. I'm not claiming to be the world's greatest mother, but at least I have enough common sense to not buy my five year old a weapon. (Aren't they barely able to play with legos at this age because of the choking hazard?)
It makes me so mad that there are people out there who are so completely oblivious to how lucky they are to have healthy living children, that they're willing to put their children in harm's way.
(These people need to be sterilized. I'm sorry, but they do!)
It is infuriating that this mother is not facing criminal charges related to the death of her daughter. I know it was an accident and I know losing her daughter is the worst punishment possible. But shouldn't it be illegal to leave your five year old and two year old alone with a gun? It's just so grossly negligent and if you're buying a toy rifle for your son, clearly you don't have the greatest judgement to begin with.
I'm so sad that another innocent child has died. And I'm really concerned for the five year old boy who at such an innocent age has to come to terms with the fact that he killed his younger sister.
In this article, you can see photos of the little girl, Caroline and you can also read this little gem of a quote by her grandmother:
"It was God's will. It was her time to go I guess?"
WTF? Clearly, stupidity is genetic.
Lastly, I'd just like to say that I'm appalled by this quote
"I've been the county coroner for 15 years and I think this is the first time I've had a case like this," White said. "I'm hoping that parents will realize that if you have kids, you need to put the guns out of harm's way."
Seriously, who doesn't know this already?! Shouldn't that go without saying?! I know there's no parenting handbook out there, but isn't keeping guns away from small children kind of common sense?! Why do we need other people to tell us to keep deadly weapons away from our kids?!
Now for a quick lesson for stupid, unfit parents everywhere: Don't leave your small children alone with weapons that could potentially harm them or others. Guns and toddlers do not belong together. How you don't already know this... I'll never understand.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
I Wish I Was Her
She has all of her children with her here on earth.
She has no clue that millions of babies die each year.
She's never heard of anencephaly, T-18, hydrocephalus, skeletal dysplasia or any of the other thousands of complications that cause death in unborn babies every single day.
She's never left the hospital with a memory box instead of her baby.
She blogs about her living children instead of her dead ones.
She has the luxury and good fortune of being able to plan out how many children she wants.
She's never been on a TTC journey.
She doesn't wonder if she'll ever having a living baby.
She gets pregnant after barely trying for a month.
She carries her baby fearlessly for nine months.
She's never heard her doctor utter the words, "incompatible with life" or "there's no heartbeat."
She's never read the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.
She's never been told that her child is in a better place.
She has never worn a piece of memorial jewelry with her child's name engraved on it.
She doesn't dread the simple question, how many children do you have?
She's never prayed for a rainbow baby.
She's never celebrated an angelversary.
She's never had to choose between burying or cremating her child.
She doesn't have a drawer full of baby clothes that will never be worn.
She doesn't cry on her child's birthday.
She doesn't melt down every time a Facebook friend announces that she's pregnant.
She can go to her friends' baby showers.
She can show off pictures of her baby without making others feel uncomfortable.
She gets to watch her children grow up.
She's never known what it feels like to lose a piece of herself.
She doesn't wonder every second of everyday how much better her life could have been if her child was still alive.
She has no clue that millions of babies die each year.
She's never heard of anencephaly, T-18, hydrocephalus, skeletal dysplasia or any of the other thousands of complications that cause death in unborn babies every single day.
She's never left the hospital with a memory box instead of her baby.
She blogs about her living children instead of her dead ones.
She has the luxury and good fortune of being able to plan out how many children she wants.
She's never been on a TTC journey.
She doesn't wonder if she'll ever having a living baby.
She gets pregnant after barely trying for a month.
She carries her baby fearlessly for nine months.
She's never heard her doctor utter the words, "incompatible with life" or "there's no heartbeat."
She's never read the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.
She's never been told that her child is in a better place.
She has never worn a piece of memorial jewelry with her child's name engraved on it.
She doesn't dread the simple question, how many children do you have?
She's never prayed for a rainbow baby.
She's never celebrated an angelversary.
She's never had to choose between burying or cremating her child.
She doesn't have a drawer full of baby clothes that will never be worn.
She doesn't cry on her child's birthday.
She doesn't melt down every time a Facebook friend announces that she's pregnant.
She can go to her friends' baby showers.
She can show off pictures of her baby without making others feel uncomfortable.
She gets to watch her children grow up.
She's never known what it feels like to lose a piece of herself.
She doesn't wonder every second of everyday how much better her life could have been if her child was still alive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)