Capture Your Grief, Day 15: Wave of Light

Today I lit candles for all of our angel babies. I wrote the names of all of the babies on my Angel Birthday list on the side of a tea light candle, and I dedicated one candle to all angel babies who have left this earth too soon. 

I really wanted to light blue and pink candles today, but I couldn't find them anywhere. So instead, I lit white candles and then used pink and blue flower petals as candle holders. Then I used all the candles to spell out the word "always" in remembrance of our precious children.

 

The Wave of Light 2012

A special candle for all angel babies

Gabriel's Candle

October 15th - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Remembering all of our little ones who are no longer with us here on earth. You are forever missed and always in our hearts.

Please read this beautiful article by Franchesca Cox at Small Bird Studios:

Why It Is Important to Break the Silence About Baby Loss

Capture Your Grief, Days 12 & 13: Scents & Signs

One of my biggest regrets is not bringing a special lotion or a candle or something with a scent to the hospital when I gave birth to Gabriel. I would love to associate his birth date with the fragrance of vanilla or jasmine or baby lotion. 

The only scent that I can link to Gabriel is the scent of the shirt that the nurse dressed him in after giving him a bath. I don't know what the scent is -- I'm guessing it's the soap they used to bathe him or the soap they used to wash the shirt. The scent is still so strong and I hope it never ever goes away. I leave his shirt and blanket in this memory box and always keep it closed. I'm hoping that even in 10 years, the scent will remain. It's incredible how this unique scent can bring me right back to that day -- every time I hold his shirt close to my face, I remember exactly what it felt like to breathe him in while holding him in my arms.

 

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I've only received two signs from Gabriel that I believe in my heart are true. I don't know if they were sent by God, an angel, or by Gabriel himself. But I do believe they were a sign from Heaven that Gabriel's spirit is very much alive. Both signs occurred on his due date, October 3, 2012. I've already posted about it here. I hope my story can bring comfort to others who are unsure if their babies are okay. 

Capture Your Grief, Days 10 & 11: Symbol and Supportive Friends & Family

It doesn't take much for me to be reminded of Gabriel. I think about him all the time. I don't really have any symbols for him, but I suppose that stars could be his symbol, since they are the "twinkles of light" that this blog is named after. I consider Gabriel to be the light of my life - the twinkle shining bright amidst all the darkness.

a star taken by the sea

I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful circle of support surrounding me. My husband has endured this loss with me and he helps me to keep Gabriel's memory alive. Our parents have helped us and have always been supportive. My girlfriends have all been so understanding and have listened to Gabriel's story with compassionate hearts. I think some of the greatest support has come from the BLMs I have never met in person. I know so little about them except that they have lost babies and their hearts are filled with love, yet I find in them a kindness I have never known before.

a card from my girlfriends -- they all chipped in and donated $100 to charity in Gabriel's name

October 15th Awareness Ribbons

I have designed a few awareness ribbons and banners for October 15th!

If you like them as is, you are welcome to download them HERE at my Facebook page.

If you would like one personalized for your child, just let me know which one and your angel's name and I'd be happy to make one for you! If you have more than one angel, please let me know if you want their names to be together or separate.

Capture Your Grief, Day 9: Special Place

My special place is the beach, because it is where I feel closest to Gabriel. I see him in the sunsets, I feel him in the waves, I hear him in the wind. 

I love to go just to write his name in the sand and watch it slowly taken by the sea. Though his soul is in Heaven, a part of him will always be a part of this earth. He is in the sand, the water, the sky, the air, and in the very essence of the world. 

Where there is beauty, I am sure to find him...

Capture Your Grief, Day 8: Jewelry

My favorite piece of jewelry is my necklace with Gabriel's footprint engraved on the front and his name and birth date on the back. When it arrived in the mail and I opened the small box it came in, I recognized it immediately as Gabriel's unique footprint and I was so happy.

This necklace represents the imprint that Gabriel has permanently left on my heart. And I feel proud and honored to wear it.

Capture Your Grief, Days 6 & 7: What Not To Say/What To Say

About a week after Gabriel died, I finally found the strength to leave the house. I was DREADING running into my neighbors because they knew I was pregnant. It's not that I mind talking about Gabriel (quite the opposite), but this was very early on and the pain was still so unbearable. I needed compassion and sympathy more than I ever have in my life. This lovely gem was told to us by one of our neighbors (who BTW, has a healthy baby boy), after my husband and I explained that our baby had not survived. 

Clearly, this is what NOT to say to a grieving mother:

How I wish I was in the right state of mind to respond, "Why couldn't it have happened to you instead???!!!" but then again, that might have been inappropriate and insensitive.

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I have also been unbelievably lucky to have met so many other BLMs, who are all so amazing. They have restored my faith in the kindness of humanity. They know all the right words to say to comfort you even on days when the tears won't stop. 

A few women have written these words to me, and I think this might be the most perfect thing to say to anyone who has lost a baby. It is so nice to hear someone call my son "a blessing" amidst all of the people who imply that Gabriel was a tragedy or a curse.  

Gabriel was the very very very BEST thing to happen to us. Words cannot describe how lucky we feel to be his parents. 

He really is a blessing.

Capture Your Grief, Day 5: Memorial

This is the candle we memorialized for Gabriel at our local church. Please read yesterday's post (here) if you want to read more about this special candle.

the light of my life

Capture Your Grief, Day 4: Most Treasured Item

I treasure the pictures we have of Gabriel more than anything else in the world. I made this photobook with some of his pictures and I love it. My favorite picture is this one -- Gabriel holding our fingers. It reminds me of how amazing it felt to feel the grasp of his tiny perfect hands even though he wasn't alive.

I also treasure this onesie. It was the only clothing I ever bought for him. I still remember the day we bought it. I looked all over the store for a premie outfit that was gender neutral because we weren't sure if we were having a boy or girl. This was the only outfit I dressed him in, but I loved every moment. Right before the nurse took him away, we dressed him in this onesie because we wanted to keep the little shirt he had worn the whole day. I remember feeling so happy when I realized that it was a near perfect fit. The sleeves were too long and my husband rolled them up. Otherwise, it was the perfect size -- super itty bitty, just like Gabriel. Every time I see this onesie, I am amazed that a person was able to fit inside it.

il mio tesoro

Capture Your Grief, Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

Eleven days after Gabriel died, we went to say good-bye to him at the mortuary because they had called to say he would be cremated soon. That morning we went to a Christian Bookstore and I bought him a cross and two tiny angel figurines. On one of the angels wings was written the word "courage"; on the other was written the word "strength." We bought a green blanket and I sewed the cross and the angels into the blanket. We also wrote him letters and asked that they be kept with him while he was cremated.

At the mortuary, we only spent about five or ten minutes with him. When we walked in the room, they had laid him on a large table with a white table cloth. He looked so tiny on that big table. I wasn't planning to hold him... we only wanted to bring him his special blanket and tell him we loved him one more time. The moment I saw him though, tears poured from my eyes and I instinctively ran to him and scooped his little body up in my arms. He was so cold and pink and nearly weightless. He was gone from that body, but I still felt this urgent need to hold him close.  

I had taken only four pictures of us together on the day he was born and it saddened me so much that I hadn't taken more pictures. Still to this day, my biggest regret is not taking more pictures!

But I am very happy that we took this final picture together. I'm crying, I'm hurting, but mostly I'm loving my son.  

This is me kissing Gabriel one last time...

Capture Your Grief, Day 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

When I was 20 weeks pregnant, we received confirmation from our doctor that our baby would not survive. By this point, he had no measurable amniotic fluid surrounding him (it was all in his belly), and his lungs were not developing. He had a strong heart beat and a perfectly formed brain. But without lungs, there was no possible way he could survive outside my womb. 

I was devastated to say the least. I was too depressed to take maternity photos, so regrettably I have very few pictures of me during those 29 weeks. 

Corrado happened to take this picture of me in Long Beach at the park. Who knows what I was thinking about. I was surely heartbroken, but still hopeful that somehow our baby would survive. It was so hard to imagine him dying when he was so active- kicking and moving around all the time. 

Exactly 2 months after this picture was taken, Gabriel was stillborn. 

I will never be able to take another "Before Loss" photo ever again. 

The sun shining on my baby bump

Capture Your Grief, Day 1: Sun Rise

I made it to the beach just in time to watch the sun rise. I was so worried there was going to be too much fog to see the sun, but the sky ended up being perfectly clear!

Just a split second before the sun came up behind the mountains

Here it is!

The waves woke up early too! My husband took this picture, while I ran away :)

Good Morning Sweetheart -- Have a spectacular day in Heaven!

If interested, please click HERE to go to the Capture Your Grief Facebook Event Page to see more beautiful sun rises from around the world.

October is Here

It's already October! I am anticipating that October is going to be an eventful month for me, so much so, that I've decided to write all about it.

First, I am participating in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief photo project throughout the entire month. Photography is a big interest of mine, and well, the past few months I've become an expert at grieving. I really wanted to do something to document my early days of loss and grief and I think this is a great way to do so. So, tomorrow I will start off this month by waking up at 6 a.m. to attempt to capture a shot of the sun rising at the beach. Melissa has agreed to be my project buddy, so with her help, I'm hoping I can take at least one picture every day this month.

In just a few days it will be Gabriel's due date. Back in January when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought October 3rd would never arrive. I thought my pregnancy would last forever - the time just couldn't go by fast enough. It feels strange... that this day that I once couldn't wait for, has become a day I wish would never arrive.

Sometime this week, we'll be receiving Gabriel's autopsy results. I don't know what to think or feel about this. I really want answers, but I'm worried that the results will be inconclusive. In my heart, I know it doesn't matter one way or the other. He's gone and no test results will change that fact. But part of me just has to know what went wrong... what exactly was that first domino to fall, that changed my life so drastically.

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day as you all know. I am planning to light candles for all our angel babies -- pink ones for the girls, and blue ones for the boys. I'd like to do something more, but I can't think of anything else to do. If anybody is in the Los Angeles area and wants to join me for this informal candle lighting ceremony, please let me know.

October is also the month of my beautiful friend, Stephanie's due date. I got so very lucky and got partnered up with her for the October Milestone gift exchange. I've never met Stephanie in person, but I have this image of her being a craft goddess. (I, on the other hand, stopped developing my arts & crafts skills somewhere in the 3rd grade.) Nonetheless, I'm doing my absolute best to make her a special craft project and I'm crossing my fingers that it comes out the way I am visualizing it in my head. I can't say more because it's supposed to be a surprise :)

And of course there is Halloween at the end of the month. I wish with all my heart that I had Gabriel here with me, so I could dress him up in a cute costume. (Don't we all?) I saw all of these super cute baby Halloween costumes the other day... I swear the store puts these out just to torture me. In the beginning part of my pregnancy, I was looking forward to doing something special with Gabriel for Halloween, so I feel like I have to do something to celebrate this day. I was thinking to write our babies' names on pumpkin candle holders and then light candles -- I know, I am not creative at all! I am always lighting candles -- honestly, because I can't think of anything else to do. If anyone else likes my pumpkin candle idea, please let me know, so I can be sure to light one for your baby. And if anyone has any non-candle lighting ideas, by all means, please share them!

I don't want to forget to mention that there are a few special angel birthdays this month and once again I will be lighting candles, and posting pictures here.

I hope that this October is a special month for all of us, and that it provides us with a chance to remember all of our little ones.

It will surely be a luminous month for me!

Thank you Forever Our Sweet Pea for Gabriel's October Ribbon.