Capture Your Grief, Day 29: Music

I wasn't able to pick just one song for today, so I'm sharing the playlist of songs I made for Gabriel. All of these songs remind me of him for different reasons. If you're interested in the meaning behind this playlist, there's more about each song below. Otherwise, feel free to scroll down to listen to the songs!

Touch the Sky is from the movie, Brave. This was the last movie we saw at the theater while I was pregnant. Gabriel was so active when we saw movies that we were worried the loud noises bothered him. We couldn't help but laugh because it was so cute how he squirmed and kicked nonstop.

Kiss the Rain is one of my husband's favorite songs. After we found out that Gabriel lost his amniotic fluid because he wasn't able to pee, we started playing him this song by putting big headphones on my belly. We thought maybe the sound of the waterfall would make him feel like peeing. This song reminds me of all the hope we had during those ten weeks. Every time we went for another ultrasound appointment, we thought there would be an improvement. We were always so hopeful on the way there, and so heartbroken on the way home.

I've always loved Imagine by John Lennon. When I was pregnant, I played this song for Gabriel and cried as I listened to the lyrics, I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Shout to the Lord is another song I used to play for Gabriel when I was pregnant. Looking back there are so many songs I wish Gabriel had the chance to hear. It's the little things, like listening to music that Gabriel will never do here on earth, that make me the saddest. For some reason, when I was pregnant I could never think of any songs to play for him. I remember one day I thought to play him this song. No clue why, but I'm happy I did. I have a lot of regrets, but the one thing I'm so thankful I did was to introduce him to God.

Shortly after Gabriel died, I started listening to I Will Carry You, by Selah. I listened to it over and over again wishing Gabriel was still with us so I could play it for him. This song will always be a reminder of those early days of raw pain and overwhelming grief.

I'm not sure when I started associating Gabriel with stars and light, but now, whenever I see a star I think of him. I love the song Starchild so much that I used it for his slideshow video. I also love the Twinkle Lullaby by the Piano Guys which is such a beautiful version of the classic children's song.

A couple weeks after Gabriel died, I was driving and heard Elton John's, Your Song on the radio. It made me think of Gabriel and now whenever I hear it, it reminds me of him. This song makes me wish I had been a musician so I could have written a song just for Gabriel. I recently found this version by Ellie Goulding which I like because it changes the lyrics from man to girl.

My Angel Gabriel, by Lamb is so far, the only song I have found with his name. It reminds me not just of my Gabriel, but also of the Archangel Gabriel who I know is very close to my son. My favorite line is, I can shine even in the darkness, because it reminds me that the light of Gabriel's beautiful and wondrous life will always outshine the darkness of his death.

Recently I came across the song, A Hundred Thousand Angels by Bliss. To me, it sounds Heavenly and I imagine if there is music in Heaven it must sound like this. I also love the image of a hundred thousand angels watching over our children. The lyrics are incredibly beautiful. You can read them here.

The last song, Lord When You Came to the Seashore, is one that I heard at a church a few weeks ago. It reminded me of Gabriel since I associate him with the beach. The lyrics, All I treasured, I have left on the sand there, made me think of when I write Gabriel's name in the sand.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Capture Your Grief, Day 15: Wave of Light

Today I lit candles for all of our angel babies. I wrote the names of all of the babies on my Angel Birthday list on the side of a tea light candle, and I dedicated one candle to all angel babies who have left this earth too soon. 

I really wanted to light blue and pink candles today, but I couldn't find them anywhere. So instead, I lit white candles and then used pink and blue flower petals as candle holders. Then I used all the candles to spell out the word "always" in remembrance of our precious children.

 

The Wave of Light 2012

A special candle for all angel babies

Gabriel's Candle

Capture Your Grief, Days 10 & 11: Symbol and Supportive Friends & Family

It doesn't take much for me to be reminded of Gabriel. I think about him all the time. I don't really have any symbols for him, but I suppose that stars could be his symbol, since they are the "twinkles of light" that this blog is named after. I consider Gabriel to be the light of my life - the twinkle shining bright amidst all the darkness.

a star taken by the sea

I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful circle of support surrounding me. My husband has endured this loss with me and he helps me to keep Gabriel's memory alive. Our parents have helped us and have always been supportive. My girlfriends have all been so understanding and have listened to Gabriel's story with compassionate hearts. I think some of the greatest support has come from the BLMs I have never met in person. I know so little about them except that they have lost babies and their hearts are filled with love, yet I find in them a kindness I have never known before.

a card from my girlfriends -- they all chipped in and donated $100 to charity in Gabriel's name

Capture Your Grief, Day 5: Memorial

This is the candle we memorialized for Gabriel at our local church. Please read yesterday's post (here) if you want to read more about this special candle.

the light of my life

Hand Made with Love

I finally sent my prayer flag off to Australia for Carly Marie's Remembrance Ceremony at Christian's Beach.

I finished it a few days ago, but have not had the time to go to the post office.

Anyhow, if any of you have not yet made a flag for your child, I really encourage you to do so.

I loved making mine! It took a lot of time, patience and effort, however I really enjoyed making something with my own hands that was special for Gabriel.

My theme (of course) was stars...

If you're interested, here is how I made my prayer flag, though I am certainly not an expert in making any kind of crafts :)

First, I dyed white fabric, a denim blue color and allowed it to soak in warm water to give it a faded, vintage look.

Second, I ironed on a picture of Van Gogh's Starry Night on a small piece of fabric, and stitched it to the top of the flag. 

Next, I covered the flag in stars cut out of yellow fabric, and sewed on star buttons for additional texture.

Then, I sewed on letters that spelled out Gabriel's name, and little angels, in the bottom corner. (I sewed similar angels into the blanket that Gabriel was wrapped in during his cremation, so they have special meaning to me.)

Then, I decorated a separate piece of fabric by gluing on blue stars and sewing on his name and birth date.

Lastly, I sewed the front piece to the back piece.

It didn't turn out exactly as I wanted (I'm not very crafty by nature), but overall I'm happy to say that it was made with love and with my baby Gabriel in mind. I think overall it probably took me about 1 hour of planning and shopping and another 4 hours to construct the flag from start to finish. Most of the time spent was sewing since I did everything with a needle and thread by hand. I'm sure I could have saved a lot of time by using a sewing machine, but I really felt like taking the time to make each stitch carefully with my hands.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to make this prayer flag in my son's memory. It was so healing! And it's so nice to know that it will be hung out on the beach and that its message will carried by the winds.

My prayer for Gabriel is that he is surrounded by God's glorious light in Heaven.

The only other thing I could ever ask for, is for God to show me mercy, by allowing me to join him there one day.

Twinkle of Light

A few days after Gabriel died, I came across a picture taken of outer space by a NASA satellite. It occurred to me that the majority of the stars in the universe are no longer alive, but in fact they burned out thousands or millions of years ago. What we see here on earth is a remnant of a bright star that no longer exists. That twinkle in the night sky is merely a reminder that a star once burned gloriously, evidence of a once radiant and energetic life. But because that star's life was once so bright, its light continues to shine millions of years later. 

And I realized, that is what Gabriel is to me now. He is a beautiful twinkle of light shining brightly amongst all the darkness. His light which I hold in my heart, is proof that he once existed here on earth, and that the brightness of his life will radiate long after his death. Though his star no longer burns, I can still see him, I can feel his presence, and enjoy his warm light. I can gaze into that shadow of darkness that represents his death, and find the twinkle of light he left behind. Gabriel is not just a memory, nor a figment of a life... he is a constant force here on earth, a stream of never-ending light.

I like to believe that every time a child dies, God adds another star to the night sky. And that somewhere among the billions of twinkles, lies a special flickering glow that represents Gabriel, and another one that represents your baby. Though logic and science don't agree with this theory, it's nice to imagine our babies somewhere out there, forever adding light to the darkness.