The Window

In my heart, in my soul, I feel cheated, maybe a little more-so than others. I feel entitled to be bitter at times because what happened to me wasn't fair. I feel like nothing makes sense anymore. I've analyzed my belief in God up and down, left and right and still can't put together a "God" that I recognize or understand. I feel comfortable with the belief that death is a part of a life, and that mistakes are an unfortunate (but necessary) part of nature. But where God fits in, I don't know. And because of that, I feel a little bit lost.

In my heart, in my soul, I wish my circumstances had been different. If I was destined to lose a child, I wish that it didn't have to be my firstborn ~ my only. I wish I knew that I could at the very least, have healthy children, a question to which the answer might very well be no. I wish I was younger. I wish I had more child-bearing years ahead of me than I have behind me. I wish I had more hope that everything will be okay.

In my heart, in my soul, I hate that nobody can tell us what happened to Gabriel, not even from a medical perspective. I hate that I have to wonder why my child died. I hate that this had to happen to me and my family. I hate that I have only questions; no answers. I hate death.

In my heart, in my soul, I am angry at fate or the universe or God or the world in general. We're taught to believe that if we do everything right, things will turn out alright. That happy endings exist for those who work hard and follow a certain path. But I did everything right, and my baby died anyways. I'm angry that my life has fallen apart and now I have to start over again, slowly piecing broken fragments back together. I'm angry that abusive, unfit, negligent parents get to keep their children, and for inexplicable reasons, I did not.

In my heart, in my soul, I miss all that I will never ever have. I miss my baby boy. I miss watching him grow up. I miss hearing his cry. I miss holding his tiny hands. I miss feeling his warmth, his life. I am missing so much, too much, that there is no possible way to write down all that I am missing. And because of this, I feel sorrow and resentment.

In my heart, in my soul, I'm a swirling cloud of grief and healing, past and present, love and hate. I'm not who I was or who I will be, but stranded in a confusing state of limbo. I'm searching for balance, for peace, for truth, but feel lost in the midst of a storm. I'm both more alive and less. I'm looking both into and out of the same window.

And I realize that it's my hand that's keeping the window shut; it's been my choice to keep it locked all along. I'm holding on to pain, sealing it in my heart, my soul. It's been my prisoner, but somehow it has imprisoned me as well.

So I wonder, if I never let the pain go, can I ever be free? And if I'm unwilling or incapable of opening the window, will love and joy ever find a way to flow back in?

Nothing about the past will ever change. Sadly this is true. But the years ahead have not been written. This life, the unwritten one, can be spent inside a prison with sorrow and heartache, agonizing over what has been lost. Or it can be spent opening the window and finding the courage and strength to leave the pain behind and fly free.

Walking With You - Clinging in the Pit

What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? 

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how I survived those early (earlier/earliest) days of grief. 

I remember clearly waking up morning after morning in the illusive pit of despair, trapped in the darkness. The only person I could talk to was my husband. He understood, he listened, he cried with me. I was grateful to have someone who loved me and that grief didn't destroy our relationship...

But still, losing a baby is brutally isolating. Every person falls into their own personal pit. It's like solitary confinement for the bereaved. I was comforted in knowing that my husband was close by, but even so, his heart was not fractured in the exact same way as mine. His pain and his burdens were and still are unique, and it's just not possible to know someone else's grief, as closely as you know your own.  

In the earliest days, tears flowed until my eyes were so swollen, they were physically unable to produce more tear drops. They weren't instigated by a thought or a feeling, but something deeper - a sense of failure rooted into my soul. My heart was in pain. And the only way my body could react was to sob uncontrollably.

During that time, my grief was complicated and overwhelming. But worst of all, it was dominated by guilt.  

Guilt...

Relentless Guilt.

I was drowning in it. A running list of regrets kept revolving around in my mind, over and over again. I blamed myself because it was my responsibility to make his birthday special and memorable, and I had failed.

It was all my fault.

I was a bad mother.

I had forgotten everything.

I didn't take enough photos.

I didn't get enough foot prints.

I didn't prepare enough.

I didn't sing to him.

I should have done...

I could have done...

I wish I could go back and do everything differently...

Oh how I wish I could go back...

For days and then weeks, I was lost in the deepest, darkest chambers of an empty, broken world, unable or perhaps just unwilling to leave. I didn't possess enough strength or motivation to escape it. 

The worst part about guilt is the feeling that punishment is deserved. I was torturing myself with guilt. Because I felt guilty! A cruel cycle. Bitter irony.

About 6 weeks after Gabriel died, I took a trip to the craft store for the first time in years. I went there to purchase fabric and materials to make a prayer flag for Carly Marie's Prayer Flag Ceremony. As I walked up and down the aisles, I was consumed with guilt, like an ocean current had just dumped a fresh batch of regrets on my already weighted-down heart. I should have made him something while I was pregnant... a blanket, a onesie, a hat, something with his name on it. Why didn't I make him something?

It was then that I realized that somehow, someway I had to let go of The Guilt. It was imprisoning me in the pit and I was beginning to feel desperate to escape. I needed to find a healthy and healing way to grieve and self-loathing was never going to take me there. 

I started going to church again. I prayed to God and begged Him for peace. I told Him that this cross was too heavy. It was crushing me and I felt like I couldn't stand up with such a heavy weight resting on my back. I asked Him if He would take it away and that if He did, I would accept His plan and praise Him. I clung to the promises that Scripture speaks of, the faith that God is real, and the hope that He would answer my prayers. 

I continued praying as often as I could and found an unexpected sanctuary in those moments of prayer.  I felt deeply comforted when I spoke to Him. I stopped dwelling on the guilt and instead focused on a fervent devotion to Him. In return, He lifted that oppressive cross and I was relieved of a tremendous burden. In a mysterious act of God, my heart was filled with peace and understanding. I felt like the top of the pit had been uncovered to reveal a bright ray of light. 

I can't fully describe what it was like to feel the warmth of His light or to receive an answer to my desperate pleas. But one day I woke up and I wasn't in the pit anymore. Somewhere deep inside me, He had embedded the awareness that I needed to forgive myself for I was not at fault.  That realization sparked a change. My hope was restored. And the guilt had been left behind. 

God had saved me, just as He promised. He told me to cling to the hope that He would save me. The hope that He would be compassionate. The hope that through His immense mercy, I would see my son again one day. The hope that His plan was not without rewards for the faithful who suffer.

He placed on my heart, many beautiful and positive ways to channel my grief and led me to find new ones on my own. I started to appreciate all of the amazing beauty that Gabriel had inspired. And I knew clearly that I was supposed to dedicate my life to the One who filled my heart with merciful peace, and the little one who filled it with everlasting love.

Here is a list of where and how I have found healing and solace:

The BLM Blogging/Online World

Photography

Faith's Lodge

Gabriel's Garden

Keeping Gabriel's memory alive / writing and speaking his name / sharing his story

Returning to school, to pursue a new dream

Praying / Church / Scripture

I know in my heart that I will never return to that first pit of despair where I once laid, vulnerable and alone. But I do fear that more pits await me in the future. I trust the Lord when He says He will carry me over them, and that He won't let me fall into another trap of hopelessness. But, still I know that the path of healing isn't without its set-backs - daunting obstacles and hidden pits. To overcome them, I know I will need to rely on God and the support and guidance of those who are further down the road, shouting back at me, Watch out for that one!

I am grateful that God has blessed me with the love and comforting words of those who understand how cold and dark it is in the bottom of the pit, and therefore they keep the path of healing illuminated for me.

If you're in the pit, I encourage you to speak about your loss. Share your story. Share your fears. Share your wisdom. Support others and allow them to support you. Learn from those who are ahead of you and guide those who are further behind.

If you're struggling with your faith in God, my hope for you is that you won't give up searching for Him in your life. It feels impossible, (I know) but trust that He will rescue you from your darkest moments. Remind yourself every day in which you find yourself laying at the bottom of the pit, that the One who died for our sins, has told us that what is impossible with men, is possible with God. (Luke 18:27) Give God the fears that dwell in your heart, the pain that overwhelms your soul, the anger and resentment you harbor for Him and others because you're hurting so fiercely. If you feel lonely and abandoned, hold onto the truth that you are loved and will never be forgotten. But most of all, believe Him when He tells you that He has graciously created a beautiful life just for you... because He has.

I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares the Lord; they are plans for peace, not disaster, to give you a future filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 CEB)


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Walking With You Week 1

Do you believe in MOM?

One of my friends posted this little apologue on Facebook the other day and I wanted to share it with those of you who have never read it.

I've copied the original version for those of you who can read Italian, and I've also translated it in English below...

Nel ventre di una donna incinta si trovavano due bebè. Uno di loro chiese all'altro:
- Tu credi nella vita dopo il parto?
- Certo. Qualcosa deve esserci dopo il parto. Forse siamo qui per prepararci per quello saremo più tardi.
- Sciocchezze! Non c'è una vita dopo il parto. Come sarebbe quella vita?
- Non lo so, ma sicuramente... ci sarà più luce che qua. Magari cammineremo con le nostre
gambe e ci ciberemo dalla bocca.
- Ma è assurdo! Camminare è impossibile. E mangiare dalla bocca? Ridicolo! Il cordone ombelicale è la via d'alimentazione... Ti dico una cosa: la vita dopo il parto è da escludere. Il cordone ombelicale è troppo corto.
- Invece io credo che debba esserci qualcosa. E forse sarà diverso da quello cui siamo abituati ad avere qui.
- Però nessuno è tornato dall'aldilà, dopo il parto. Il parto è la fine della vita. E in fin dei conti, la vita non è altro che un'angosciante esistenza nel buio che ci porta al nulla.
- Beh, io non so esattamente come sarà dopo il parto, ma sicuramente vedremo la MAMMA e lei si prenderà cura di noi.
- MAMMA? Tu credi nella MAMMA? E dove credi che sia lei ora?
- Dove? Tutto intorno a noi! E' in lei e grazie a lei che viviamo. Senza di lei tutto questo mondo non esisterebbe.
- Eppure io non ci credo! Non ho mai visto la MAMMA, per cui, è logico che non esista.
- Ok, ma a volte, quando siamo in silenzio, si riesce a sentirla o percepire come accarezza il nostro mondo. Sai?... Io penso che ci sia una vita reale che ci aspetta e che ora soltanto stiamo preparandoci per essa...


In the belly of a pregnant woman, there were two babies. One of them asked the other:
-Do you believe in life after birth?
-Of course. Something must be after birth. Maybe we're here to prepare for what will occur later.
-Nonsense! There is no life after birth. What would that life be like?
-I don't know, but certainly, there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and will eat with our mouths.
-But that's absurd! Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord is the way to eat... I'll tell you one thing... life after birth is out of the question. The umbilical cord is too short.
-Instead I believe there has to be something. And maybe it will be different from what we're used to in here.
-But no one has ever returned from the afterlife, after being born. Birth is the end of life. And ultimately, life is nothing but a distressing existence in the dark that leads us nowhere.
-Well, I don't know exactly how it will be after birth, but surely we'll see MOM and she will take care of us.
-MOM? You believe in MOM? And where do you believe that she is now?
-Where? All around us! We're inside her and it's thanks to her that we're alive. Without her, this whole world would not exist.
-I still don't believe it! I've never seen MOM, so it only makes sense that she doesn't exist.
-Okay, but sometimes, when we're silent, you can hear her or feel that she is caressing our world. You know?... I think there is a real life that awaits us, and that we are only now preparing for it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This analogy of birth and death reminds me that even though we can't see God or even begin to understand what Heaven is like, that doesn't mean They don't exist. Of course nobody knows for sure, but I like to imagine that God is out there somewhere laughing to Himself when we say things like, "Where is God? I don't see Him so how can He exist?" and that are children are in Heaven patiently and joyfully awaiting our "births."

Capture Your Grief, Day 29: Music

I wasn't able to pick just one song for today, so I'm sharing the playlist of songs I made for Gabriel. All of these songs remind me of him for different reasons. If you're interested in the meaning behind this playlist, there's more about each song below. Otherwise, feel free to scroll down to listen to the songs!

Touch the Sky is from the movie, Brave. This was the last movie we saw at the theater while I was pregnant. Gabriel was so active when we saw movies that we were worried the loud noises bothered him. We couldn't help but laugh because it was so cute how he squirmed and kicked nonstop.

Kiss the Rain is one of my husband's favorite songs. After we found out that Gabriel lost his amniotic fluid because he wasn't able to pee, we started playing him this song by putting big headphones on my belly. We thought maybe the sound of the waterfall would make him feel like peeing. This song reminds me of all the hope we had during those ten weeks. Every time we went for another ultrasound appointment, we thought there would be an improvement. We were always so hopeful on the way there, and so heartbroken on the way home.

I've always loved Imagine by John Lennon. When I was pregnant, I played this song for Gabriel and cried as I listened to the lyrics, I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Shout to the Lord is another song I used to play for Gabriel when I was pregnant. Looking back there are so many songs I wish Gabriel had the chance to hear. It's the little things, like listening to music that Gabriel will never do here on earth, that make me the saddest. For some reason, when I was pregnant I could never think of any songs to play for him. I remember one day I thought to play him this song. No clue why, but I'm happy I did. I have a lot of regrets, but the one thing I'm so thankful I did was to introduce him to God.

Shortly after Gabriel died, I started listening to I Will Carry You, by Selah. I listened to it over and over again wishing Gabriel was still with us so I could play it for him. This song will always be a reminder of those early days of raw pain and overwhelming grief.

I'm not sure when I started associating Gabriel with stars and light, but now, whenever I see a star I think of him. I love the song Starchild so much that I used it for his slideshow video. I also love the Twinkle Lullaby by the Piano Guys which is such a beautiful version of the classic children's song.

A couple weeks after Gabriel died, I was driving and heard Elton John's, Your Song on the radio. It made me think of Gabriel and now whenever I hear it, it reminds me of him. This song makes me wish I had been a musician so I could have written a song just for Gabriel. I recently found this version by Ellie Goulding which I like because it changes the lyrics from man to girl.

My Angel Gabriel, by Lamb is so far, the only song I have found with his name. It reminds me not just of my Gabriel, but also of the Archangel Gabriel who I know is very close to my son. My favorite line is, I can shine even in the darkness, because it reminds me that the light of Gabriel's beautiful and wondrous life will always outshine the darkness of his death.

Recently I came across the song, A Hundred Thousand Angels by Bliss. To me, it sounds Heavenly and I imagine if there is music in Heaven it must sound like this. I also love the image of a hundred thousand angels watching over our children. The lyrics are incredibly beautiful. You can read them here.

The last song, Lord When You Came to the Seashore, is one that I heard at a church a few weeks ago. It reminded me of Gabriel since I associate him with the beach. The lyrics, All I treasured, I have left on the sand there, made me think of when I write Gabriel's name in the sand.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Prayers for the Rainbow Baby

Losing a baby is the most unbearable loss I can think of because it's the worst thing to have ever happened to me.

But I know that there is something worse and I can only imagine what it feels like. Disappointing and devastating to the 1 millionth degree -- is there a word for that?

I have recently found out that a friend of mine may lose her rainbow baby. The baby she deserves. The child that the universe owes her, in exchange for all that she has already lost and endured with beautiful grace and faith. It's just truly not fair. It feels so cruel that the Lord will not give her a healthy living child, when she so clearly would be an amazing mother.

After you suffer the unthinkable loss of a child, shouldn't you get a free pass? No other children should ever be taken from you. The whole point of a rainbow baby is that he or she is the one you get to keep. The one who grows up here on earth. The one who makes you laugh. The one you get to cuddle and kiss and play with. Those babies shouldn't be allowed to be anything but healthy and happy. They should be here on earth bringing joy to where it is needed most: the aching hearts of grieving parents.

I am so terribly saddened at my very core to learn that another rainbow baby may not survive. Just the thought of it causes my heart to break. I don't even know how to describe the sorrow because I am so confused and so upset. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I keep asking God to let this child stay here. I fear it is not in His plan, but I pray that He is compassionate and loving, and that this rainbow and all rainbows are given the gift of life here on earth.

Many prayers today for all mamas carrying precious rainbows, that the Lord will understand that we need them here more than He needs them there.

A Special Heavenly Visit on a Special Earthly Day

This story is really about our day yesterday (Gabriel's EDD), but I feel like I have to start at the very beginning for you to really get the full impact of the story. Sorry this post is so long but I'm really hoping you enjoy it!

So...

When we found out in May that our baby was not going to survive, we started going to this church by our house to pray for the baby. Every time we went, we made a small donation and lit a candle for the baby.

After Gabriel died, we decided to memorialize a candle at this church. We had lit so many candles for him while I was pregnant that we felt he should have his very own. So I went to the church office and bought an engraved gold name card for Gabriel and asked that his name be placed on a candle in the front of the church under a painting of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Once a week, we went to the church to check if his candle had been memorialized yet. And week after week, we walked away disappointed and sad that it still wasn't ready.

Well, two months passed and I was getting worried that they had forgotten about Gabriel's candle. So I called the parish office and this rude (I'm trying to keep this blog PG rated, but you know what word I really wanted to write here) woman told me that his name card had already been placed.

Great!

The next day we drove to the church, excited to see his candle. I was beyond ready to see it and "rude woman" had told me it would be there. But it wasn't! Yes, you read that right. His candle wasn't there!

Thinking maybe they just placed it in the wrong location, we checked every single candle in the church, but it just simply wasn't there. I was so sad and felt so helpless. Getting this candle for Gabriel meant so much to us. It was a rare opportunity to do something special for him. And I felt like nobody else cared. We had been forgotten somehow :(

That day, I sat in the front pew and stared at this stained-glass window with Angel Gabriel's image and name and prayed for Angel Gabriel to send a message to whoever is in charge of placing names on the candles and to tell them that our baby's name was missing. I couldn't bear the thought of calling that rude lady again.

All this occurred last week.

I was planning to check again this week, and then if it still wasn't there, I was going to force myself to call the rude lady.

So, Tuesday night (the night before last), I had this weird dream that Gabriel's name had been placed on his candle at the church. I thought it was just a dream, but I remembered my prayer to Angel Gabriel, so we decided to go to the church and just check. We were planning to go anyways to say a prayer for him, so either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time.

Can you imagine my face when we walked up to the candle stand, and saw a flickering candle with the name "Gabriel Sloan" placed above it. I could not believe it! My prayer had been answered and Gabriel had told me so in a dream.

Gabriel's memorial candle at church

Excited to have received a special dream from our son, I happily left the church, and went to eat lunch. After lunch, we went to the beach to write names in the sand.

The beach was gorgeous. The sun was shining radiantly. The sky was clear and bright blue. The clouds were white and wispy. The breeze was gentle and fresh.

As we walked down the beach to the east end, I was bummed to see that there was another couple on the beach in the exact spot that I wanted to write names. But I thought, it's no big deal, I'll just write names further up the shore, and when they leave I can continue to write names where they're standing. I didn't pay much attention to them as I was busy writing names and my husband was doing his best to take pictures before the waves took them away.

About 20 minutes later, I noticed the couple was gone, so we started walking towards where they had been. I was planning to finish writing names there, but when we arrived, I was so surprised to see that they too had been writing names in the sand. All along the shore were hearts and names drawn in the sand. It was so beautiful to see all of their names and my names combined, taking up almost half of the beach.

When I finally finished writing names in the sand, I was exhausted.

(This is where the story gets really amazing! I promise it's almost over!)

So we sat down on the sand and I was looking out at the horizon soaking in the beauty of the sky and the sea. That's when I noticed two white clouds in the shape of angel wings AND....

You're never going to believe this...

A RAINBOW!!!

There was a rainbow at the beach. No rain! Just a rainbow! 

I was unbelievably happy because in that moment I knew in my heart that Gabriel was visiting us on his special day. He had been with us all day and he wanted us to know. 

For the first five months of my pregnancy I couldn't wait for October 3, 2012 to arrive because I knew it would be the best day of my life. But ever since Gabriel died, I have been dreading it. I was expecting a sad, lonely, horrible day, another painful reminder that my son died 11 weeks ago, instead of being welcomed into the world on the day he was supposed to be born - alive.

Well, it wasn't the best day of my life, but it was the best day I've had since Gabriel died. It reminds me of how far I've come on this grief/healing journey and how much my faith in God and his Heavenly Kingdom has helped me in so many ways. In my darkest moments, I have prayed, and somehow the Lord has found ways to comfort me. 

Today I asked Angel Gabriel to deliver this message to my son:

Blessed Messenger Angel of God, please tell my beautiful son that I felt his presence yesterday. I don't know how he was able to visit us, but I do know that he found a way, and for that I am indescribably grateful. Please tell him that his visit has filled my heart with love, faith, hope and joy. And that for a brief moment, my longing for him was replaced with an overwhelming understanding that he was here with me. I believe that moment was a glimpse of what it will be like to be reunited with him in Heaven. Please keep telling him that when that day comes, I will tell him everything else that I want him to know, but until then, I just want him to hear these six little words over and over again. Your mommy and daddy love you.

A shining sun and a beautiful rainbow at the beach

Angel wing clouds right above the horizon

A Day of Angels

Today is the feast day of the three Holy Archangels, Gabriel, Michael and Raphael. 

According to Scripture, the archangel Gabriel is the messenger angel and he is mentioned in both the Old Testament and the New Testament. He is mentioned by name in some appearances and other times he is thought to be the unnamed angel delivering messages from God. 

In the Old Testament, Gabriel interpreted the vision of the judgement against Israel and announced the coming of a Savior, to the prophet Daniel. (Daniel 8:15-26)

Gabriel is best known for appearing to the Virgin Mary and announcing that she would have a son, conceived by the Holy Spirit and that son was to be called Jesus, and He would be the "Son of the Most High." During the same appearance he also revealed to Mary that her cousin, Elizabeth would have a son as well. (Luke 1: 26-38)

Gabriel may also have been the unnamed angel who appeared to St. Joseph in a dream and explained that Mary would bear a son by the power of the Holy Spirit and that son would be named Immanuel. He instructed Joseph to not be afraid to take Mary as his wife. (Matthew 1:20-24)

Angel Gabriel was the angel who appeared to Zechariah to announce the birth of Jesus' cousin, St. John the Baptist and declared that John would "be great in the sight of God". (Luke 1:10-20)

It is also believed that Gabriel is the angel sent to the shepherds near Bethlehem to proclaim the birth of Jesus Christ. (Luke 2:9-14)

Though not mentioned by name, Gabriel may have been the angel who appeared to Jesus himself, delivering him strength in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before He was to be crucified. (Luke 22:43)

He may also have been the angel who removed the stone from Jesus' tomb. (Matthew 28:2)

Throughout the Bible, we see that Gabriel was God's Holy messenger. For this reason, Archangel Gabriel has been named the patron saint of messengers, communication workers, and postal workers. 

I believe even today that Angel Gabriel is used by God to deliver messages from Heaven. 

Also, because Gabriel is closely associated with conception and birth, it is said that Gabriel watches over unborn babies and gives them the knowledge of Heaven while they're still in the womb. Just before birth, Gabriel touches the baby's upper lip thereby silencing the child and rendering him unable to remember the teachings of Heaven until death. The sign of Gabriel's touch is the cleft above the lip. 

Though it is not written in the Bible, it is nice to believe that Gabriel may have been with our children in the womb, showing them the beauty of Heaven.

If you ever need to know how your child is doing in Heaven, pray to Angel Gabriel to bring you a message from your child.  

If you ever need strength, ask God to send you His Angel Gabriel, the messenger and "strength of God."

And when you need it most, may Gabriel be the bearer of good news!

Mothering

Sometimes I forget that I really am mother. That I had a child here on earth, and that I have a child now in Heaven.

I know I'm a mother. Deep down, I feel like I am.

But there are moments when I see other mamas rocking their crying babies, chasing after their uncontrollable 2 year olds, or trying to manage a herd of kids, when I realize that I don't have a person to console or run after.

My child doesn't cry. He doesn't run. He doesn't need his diaper changed. He doesn't need a bottle in the middle of the night. He doesn't need anything from me anymore.

And isn't the very definition of a mother, a person who provides and cares for a child?

I have a child, but I don't take care of him. I gave birth to a baby, but I didn't take him home with me. I bought a baby blanket, but it's stored in a memory box, instead of wrapped around my baby.

So what does that make me? A mother with a dead baby? A mother with no baby? A crazy woman who tries to mother her baby even though he's not here?

I talk to Gabriel all the time. I pray for him. I write to him. I remember him. I search for him. I talk about him. I touch the angel baby figurine that contains his sacred ashes. I buy things for him. I cry for him. I think about him all the time. I watch the sunset and feel closer to him. I love him.

I know he is in a beautiful place and that he is in the care of God the Father, and that he is happy and that all of his needs have been met.

But I can't help it.

I still want to care for him. I still want to mother him.

I still want him to know that I'm always here for him. That I'll always be his mommy. And that no matter where he is, he'll always be my child.

A Prayer for All Our Children

In the days and even weeks to follow Gabriel's death, I was too busy taking care of myself and my husband to think past our little home.

But now, nearly 7 weeks later, I am realizing more and more everyday that we are not alone. There are so many others who feel our pain, who feel our loss, who know what it feels like to live life with never ending heart ache.

Doesn't it just feel relentless at times?

I wish at least a hundred times everyday, that I wasn't a part of this. I wish that I was still that young girl who believed that bad things happened to other people... way way way over there (not here in "saved by the statistics land"). Instead, I feel like I have aged into a wise old woman overnight.

Ignorance and bliss have sailed out of my life, for good.

But I do feel grateful for so many things... for all the lessons I have learned, for the friends I have made, for the growth in my relationship with God, for the support that I have found, for the beauty that remains behind, for the sacred moment in time I had with Gabriel.

In the end, I know I'll be a better person. If not from the lessons, then for my son. I think he has saved me in so many ways. I want to move towards Heaven through my day-to-day life here on earth. I want to grow towards God, so that I can be with Him and Gabriel one day, and so that when that day comes, my son will be proud of me. I desperately want to find the meaning my life was destined to have.

I just know that other BL mommies must feel the same way. And how my heart hurts for all of them, all of you.

I thought it would be nice to say a prayer for our children. I've been meaning to write one for awhile and since I've been reflecting on God and the BL community recently, I thought today would be the right time.

For all of our angel babies...

Father, 
Your children here on earth feel such longing for their babies up in Heaven.
There are so few comforts that can ease their pain.
Some need strength, some need faith, some need understanding.
But what every parent wants most, is the knowledge that their child is leading the happiest and fullest life possible. 
I pray that all babies who have left their mother's arms for your Glory, have found eternal life at your feet.
I pray that they are in a place safe from pain and fear.
I pray that they know your Heavenly love, as well as, the love that fills their parents' hearts.
Lord, give them everything they need and deprive them of nothing they could ever want.
Provide them with an abundance of compassion, joy, and warmth.
May their laughter fill every corner of your Heavenly home.
May their lives be touched by radiant beauty and the everlasting peace that only You can provide.
And may their spirits continually send us messages of hope for an eternal future together. 
Amen.