Walking With You - Intro and Where We Are Now

[I've decided to participate in Sufficient Grace's Walking With You series for mothers and families who have lost a child. I hope that this writing project helps me to express in words what it feels like to grieve the loss of a baby, a subject that has been difficult for me to write about. I find it unbelievably challenging to adequately describe the feelings that encompass losing a child. I can never seem to find the right words. It makes me realize how unnatural babyloss is -- our language doesn't even include sufficient vocabulary to describe it.]

Week 1: Introduction and Where We Are Now

Hello Everyone! I'm Catherine and my son's name is Gabriel. I live in Los Angeles with my husband. DH and I were married in February 2011 and for several months we were happy newlyweds, enjoying life as a two-some. Later that year we started discussing the possibility of expanding our family and in January 2012, we learned I was pregnant with our first baby.

DH and I were thrilled and we spent the next few months reaching levels of excitement and eagerness that only first-time-parents-to-be get to experience. Everything was going great... why wouldn't it be? We were young, healthy, average people.

What could ever go wrong?

So we thought. 

In May, a series of ultrasounds revealed that our baby would not survive after birth. I was 19 weeks pregnant and we had only two options and one very difficult choice. We could continue the pregnancy knowing that our baby would die before or shortly after birth, or we could end the pregnancy that week. Every waking moment of every day I prayed for secret option #3.

Despite our prayers, hopes, dreams and deepest wishes, on July 19th, 2012, we welcomed our precious son to the world just a few hours after his Father embraced him in Heaven. If interested, you can read more about Gabriel here.

It's now been 5 months, 2 weeks and 6 days since that beautiful and tragic day.

I've been grieving for many months now, but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure where I am in my grief journey. I often feel like I've been walking on this journey for ages; grief has become inexplicably familiar. And yet some days it feels so foreign and fresh, like I just realized all of a sudden, that this is all real.

In the beginning, I cried all the time, until my eyes were swollen and my heart literally felt broken. But now, I go days without crying and only occasionally find myself with my head in my hands, sobbing inconsolably. I know it sounds strange, but I actually wish I cried more often. I've come to welcome those moments where my grief consumes me because it's when I'm most grief-stricken that I feel closest to Gabriel.

I sometimes worry that healing will cause me to drift further and further away from him. I'm still trying to figure out how to move forward without continually feeling guilty that I'm abandoning my son in the past. I don't want to forget anything about him and I feel like relinquishing the pain means having to let go of a piece of him. I want to remember the tremendous joy and love, but I also want to hold on to the sorrow. I want to ache deeply for my son, but of course, part of me also wants to heal.

These past few weeks, I have been asking the Lord to help me find a balance, to teach me how to delicately tread in between grief and healing. I have immense faith that in time, He will show me the way. That He will hold my hand and not just walk beside me on this journey, but rather, that He will guide me.

I may never fully understand it, but I am learning to accept God's will for what it is... His plan, not mine. I trust that He is in control of my destiny and that I am walking this journey because Light and Eternal Love await me at the end of it.

I pray that with His guidance, my journey of grief will evolve into a bridge that connects my heart and soul not just to my beloved son... but also to my loving Father.