A New Tradition

Starting the month after Gabriel died, for one year, my husband and I released balloons on or around the 19th of every month as a way to celebrate Gabriel's one month birthdays. Releasing balloons became something of a monthly tradition that helped us to remember Gabriel in a meaningful way and it also became a source of healing. Honestly, I'm not sure why I found it so therapeutic. I suppose it was partially the time and work that went into buying the balloons and driving to a nice place to release them. I think it just felt good to physically do something once a month that revolved around Gabriel. It was a brief pause each month from normal life that allowed us both to do something to parent our child together, to keep him alive in our hearts and to make sure he was remembered on his special day. And for awhile it felt really important and necessary.

But now that the first year is over and I'm in a new place in my grief journey, I feel that monthly balloon releases probably won't be as healing and meaningful as they originally were. I mostly associate balloon releases with the weeks that followed Gabriel's death when they gave us an outlet to grieve at a time in our lives when we were lost and hopeless. Since that time, I've worked really hard to grow and progress on this journey and I hope that I can continue moving forward. I also feel like the guilt of harming the environment and potentially hurting or killing wild animals overshadows any healing I would experience. I just don't want to cause any further destruction or suffering on our planet especially after a year of learning to appreciate and finding joy in nature.

Therefore, as we move forward into our second year without Gabriel, I wanted to start a new tradition that would better reflect where I am now. So instead of monthly balloon releases, my husband and I decided that each month on or close to the 19th, we're going to go to the beach and watch the sunset together. I think this tradition will continue to help us heal and will give us a chance to remember Gabriel and honor his life in a peaceful and meaningful way that doesn't entail polluting the earth.

Last night we started this new tradition by celebrating Gabriel's 14 month birthday at the beach. It was a warm summer evening and the sunset could not have been more gorgeous. We lit candles and wrote his name in the sand and watched the birds flying over the sea. It was all so lovely, like the start of something new and wonderful.

Dear Rainbow

My Child,

I have been thinking a lot about you recently so I thought I'd write you a letter which I hope you will be able to read one day. Some may say that it's strange or even a little crazy to write to someone who doesn't even exist yet. But I want you to know that before anyone else could see you, before anyone knew your name, I could feel you growing and stirring in my heart. I've held you in my heart for so long and I think about you everyday, always imagining how beautiful life will be once you are here with us.  

If you ever get to read this, I hope you already know there is nothing in the world I would rather have than you. I hope you know how truly loved you are and that my love for you was born long before you were. I hope you know that I'm proud of you. That I'm eternally grateful for you. That you are the greatest blessing, the answer to countless prayers, the light of my life. That there is no one else like you. That no one could ever take your place in my heart or our home. But most importantly, I hope you know that I feel so very lucky to be your mother. 

If there ever comes a day when you question my love for you, I hope that you'll read this and realize there is nobody I could love the way I love you. I know there will be times when it will be difficult for you to see that everything I do, I do for you. But I hope that some day you will understand that all I want is for you to be safe and happy. I want you to have an amazing life. The life that I dreamed you could have. The life that I begged God to give you.

Not a single day has gone by that I've forgotten to remind God how much I desperately want you. How much I want to share my life with you. How much I want to teach you to walk. How much I want to see you spread your wings and fly. 

Whether you show up in a month, a year or a decade, I will never give up on the dream of having you. I will never stop longing for you. I will never lose faith that one day you will be here with us. And even if that takes a lifetime, I want you to know that you, sweet child, were worth the wait. And you were worth trying so hard to have, because in the end, my life and our family could never have been complete without you. 

I'm so sorry that you're not here yet. I'm so sorry that it's taking so long for you to arrive. Every day I live without you, you are so very missed. But know that never for a moment are you absent from my heart. You are my child now and always and even if I never know what you look like or get to hold you in my arms... unconditionally, I will always love you.

Please come be with us soon, little one.

Love, 

Your Mommy

Fall 2013 School Update

The Fall semester actually began last week but I didn't want to post an update until I had everything figured out. Things were a little crazy and uncertain in the beginning, but I've managed to sort out all the issues and I now have my schedule finalized.

The reason it took me so long to get my class schedule figured out is that this semester there were 2 classes I desperately needed to get into. For those of you who don't know, my goal is to be able to apply to the sonography program next May. In order to apply to the program there are 8 prerequisite classes that I'll need to complete either before or during the next Spring semester. This seems straightforward enough, but it's not quite as easy as it sounds. There are 2 challenges. The first is that I need to complete some of the classes before I'm allowed to register for other ones. The other problem is that there are not enough classes available for all students (thank you California budget). As a continuing student I do get priority registration, but there are still so many other students who get to register before me which makes it very difficult/nearly impossible for me to enroll in the classes I need to take.

So, this semester the 2 classes I was planning to take were Anatomy & Physiology and Survey of Medical Terminology. The reason being that next Spring I have to finish my last 3 prerequisites and yes, you guessed it, I can't move forward without A&P and Medical Terminology. You might be wondering why it's so important that I be able to apply to the sonography program next May. The reason is that my college only accepts applications in May, which means if I don't get in next May, I'll have to wait an entire year for a chance to apply again. Not only will this delay graduation and future career plans by 1 full year, but I won't have any classes to take during that year. I only have 3 prerequisite classes left to take and once those are finished, I'm not sure what I could do while waiting for May to roll around again. Most likely, it's just going to be a gigantic waste of time.

Thanks to my horrible registration appointment date, I started this semester with 0 of the 2 classes I needed. Not the greatest way to begin this very critical semester. But with a little bit of effort, I was able to find a Medical Terminology class at another college which will transfer over. And I lucked out in that it's an online class which means no extra driving or parking pass to worry about. I was also able to get on the wait list for A&P and even though I was certain that I wouldn't get in, I showed up on the first day of class, praying that 6 registered students wouldn't show up, and to my surprise, the teacher came out and announced that there were 7 available spots. I was 6th on the wait list so (miraculously) I got into the class. Needless to say, I was ecstatic!

I'm also take a Health class to fulfill my Physical Education requirement, which is the only G.E. that I have to take. I don't need to take it to get my sonography certificate, but I'll need it if I want an Associates degree. I figured since I have the time this semester I should just take it and get it out of the way in hopes of being accepted into the sonography program next May.

So how are all my classes?

I'm happy to report that they're all going great. This semester is definitely going to be the most challenging one so far, but somehow my schedule worked out perfectly. I have Health on Mondays and Wednesdays and A&P on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Medical Terminology is online so I think it's going to become my weekend class. Health is my easiest class and my teacher is really funny and makes the class interesting and exciting. I'm not exactly sure how Medical Terminology will be. So far, it seems like a lot of memorization but there's a lot of terms that I already know which makes me think it won't be as hard as I originally thought. Anatomy is going to be my most time-consuming class. There is a lot of information to memorize and learn and there's really no way to get around this. Even though it's going to be a lot of work to keep up and do well, I'm excited and extremely grateful to be in the class.

I know that I'm so lucky and blessed to be in school and to be taking the classes I need. I'm one step closer to accomplishing my goal but at the same time I can't help but feel like there is so much more that needs to be done. I still have to complete these classes with good grades and I'll need to get into all 3 of the remaining prerequisite classes next semester, and then I'll need to go through the application process. And all that only gives me a chance of getting into the sonography program, which itself only gives me a chance of having a career as an ultrasound technician.

It's hard knowing there are no guarantees. All I can do is work hard, pursue my dreams as best I can, and trust that God has a great plan for me. In the end, I just hope this journey is a happy and fulfilling one. And that no matter how long it takes me, when it's over, I hope everything I've learned and all the challenges I've overcome along the way will have made me the person who I wanted to become when I first started out.