Gabriel's Name and Belated Thanks

Thank you to the following BLMs for taking the time to write Gabriel's name in such a special way. I just love seeing his name written by others. It is such a sweet reminder that others think about him too and that he is remembered here on earth. I am blessed to have met so many amazing women and to not just have these items, but to have made such meaningful friendships.


Thank you Heidi for embroidering Gabriel's name and footprints on his precious blanket. There are truly no words to describe how much I treasure this. I know this took quite a bit of time and I'm so grateful!

Thank you Kyla at Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks for painting Gabriel's name on a rock and photographing it so BEAUTIFULLY at sun rise. I feel so lucky to have met you.

Thank you Anna at Alanna Phoebe's Clay Names for being such a supportive friend and for taking the time to write Gabriel's name with clay. This is so creative and I really appreciate that you introduced Gabriel to your children.

Remembering Jamie Lynn, Tossie Adaline and Alanna Phoebe <3

Gabriel's Christmas Stocking Project

I've been searching for a special way to remember Gabriel this Christmas and stumbled upon this great idea on Franchesca's Small Bird Studios blog. Another baby loss family came up with the wonderful idea of asking friends and family to commit random acts of kindness in memory of their daughter. They asked everyone to write down their acts of kindness. Then they filled their daughter's Christmas stocking with all of the notes and emails and waited until Christmas morning to read them.

We love knowing that Gabriel is making a difference in the world, so we thought this would be the perfect way to remember him this Christmas.

If you have a moment, please visit our project webpage.

We're asking everyone to participate if possible!

Thank you so much :)

More Than Just Money?

The other day I went to the beach to release flowers. To avoid walking across the entire beach in the sand, I decided to take a different path to the shore than I normally do. I didn't think much of my decision until I stumbled upon a dollar bill, half-buried in the sand. At first, I thought maybe it was a sign of some kind. What are the odds of finding a dollar in the sand at the beach? As I walked towards the sea, I convinced myself that it was just insignificant luck. A couple weeks ago I found a 5 dollar bill in the parking lot of the gym, so I just chalked it up to being a lucky month.

Later, when I arrived at home, I began thinking about the dollar bill. I just couldn't shake the possibility that it meant something. After all, I did find it on the same beach where I saw a rainbow on Gabriel's due date. I looked at the bill more carefully and was surprised to see that the Federal Reserve number printed on the bill was 7 and the Federal Reserve Seal letter was G. I couldn't find anything special about the numbers in the serial number but the first letter was G and the last letter was F. Gabriel's initials are G.F. and 7 is both the number of months he was here on earth and the number of his birth month, July.

I then looked at the bill more carefully. I noticed a blue ink stain on the upper edge, but that didn't seem significant. The number 1, George Washington, The United States of America, A4, and Chicago... all insignificant.

I was about to give up hope that my dollar bill was a sign or had any special meaning.

What meaning could a dollar bill have anyways? It's practical not meaningful. It's just currency. A piece of cloth. Something people lose and find everyday. It was truly just a dollar bill and nothing more.

Just when I was about to fold it up and put it in my piggy bank, something caught my eye... the words at the very top: "Federal Reserve Note."

I had it wrong the whole time.

I kept calling it a bill, when really...

It's a note.

:)

I Am Thankful

To be honest, I didn't really feel like celebrating Thanksgiving this year. The idea of gathering with family and seeing that empty place at the dinner table where Gabriel should have been, would just be another sad reminder that so much is missing from our lives. The thought of adding turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie to the long list of things that Gabriel is missing out on, was just much to bear. I considered just removing this day altogether from my calendar, just skipping over it by staying in bed all day...

But then I realized something. Thanksgiving isn't about the food and the dinner table. It's not about focusing on what is missing from our lives. It's about giving thanks, and not out of obligation for the holiday, but because we have so much to be thankful for. It's about allowing are appreciation to mold us into better people and to show us the path towards happiness. It's about recognizing that the loss of a loved one does not negate the love that always remains in our hearts.

So today, I celebrate all that I am thankful for. Every day of my life has been an opportunity to experience joy, beauty and love, and for that I am thankful. For the gift of a wonderful family, I am thankful. For those who have touched my heart, I am thankful. For the many blessings that I have been eternally granted and for the precious treasures that were lent only for a moment, I am thankful.

And for my beautiful Gabriel, I am so truly thankful. 

Remembering Our Babies... on Christmas

This year will be my first Christmas as a BLM :(

For me, it's really important that as a family we include Gabriel on Christmas. 

I'm planning on making him a stocking or ordering one personalized with his name. Everyone in our family has a special stocking and I want Gabriel to have one too. 

I'm also making Christmas ornaments with his name on them. I'm going to try to photograph his ornaments when we go to Italy next month. If there's snow, I was thinking it might be pretty to hang them on a tree outside. Then I can give them to family and friends as Christmas gifts. 

I was wondering what everyone else is planning to do for Christmas. 

Does anyone have any ideas for special ways to remember our babies during the holidays?

Four Months

It's officially been four months.

Four months of time now separate me and the day my son died.

I don't know if these four months went by fast or not. I don't know if I'm where I'm supposed to be four months after the loss of a baby. In so many ways, time has helped me to heal. The pain is not as fresh as it used to be. The tears are fewer each week. I still hurt. I still miss him. But I'm dealing with his loss. I'm living my life without him. I'm not really moving forward so much as I'm drifting in a river that is carrying me with its current.

Part of me is glad that time is pushing me along. Moving me away from the pain, away from the unbearable, devastating, tremendous loss that I experienced four months ago. But another part of me wishes I didn't have to move on. I'd actually like to go backward. I'd like to go back to that day, spend just one more day with him.

A few more moments, another set of memories.

If it were possible to have a Groundhog Day type of experience and to wake up everyday and repeat Gabriel's birthday over and over again, I think I would choose that option.

I'm relieved that as humans we don't get to make that choice. Because I think so many of us would remain in the past, permanently stuck there, instead of here in the present where we belong. So many days I ache and long to return to that day four months ago. But I do believe that just around the corner there is something waiting for me. It won't take away the pain of losing my son. It won't make me forget him. It won't be the magic answer to all my questions. But that's okay. Because I've learned to live with the pain and I don't want to forget and I'm not so convinced that any answer will make me feel better anyways.

Everyday is an opportunity to stay in the past, live in the present or look forward to the future. Not everyday is about taking steps forward. Some moments should be about the past, the precious memories, the sacred reminiscence that ties us to the past.

But eventually the river will sweep us up. And forward we shall roll...

Happiness

Ever since Gabriel died, everything good that's happened has been tinged with an element of sadness. There are no more happy moments... there is only bittersweet. I have experienced happiness, but every time I laugh or smile, deep down I am shedding a tear because Gabriel is not laughing and smiling with me. He should be, but he's not here and even if his life in Heaven is nothing but joyous, I'm not a part of it. And really, what is the point of happiness if you can't share it with the people you love? It's just not the same.

My happiness is no longer pure. It's complicated. It can't even exist without its emotional counterparts: guilt, sorrow, and grief. Happiness no longer fills me up. Instead I feel even more empty if that's even possible. When I laugh, I can't help but be reminded of all of the things that Gabriel is missing out on. He'll never laugh at a funny joke, or smile at a pretty girl. He'll never do that cute baby squeal thing when someone tickles his tummy. He'll never jump for joy or fall out of his seat laughing. He will never know what earthly happiness feels like.

I think as a mother the one thing you always hope is that your children will be happy. It doesn't matter if they have successful jobs or win awards... just as long as they're happy.

I'm so heartbroken that I can't give Gabriel the life of happiness that he should have had. There is just so much I want for him. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I experience a moment of joy without wishing that Gabriel was with me. I don't know if I'll ever truly be able to let go of the guilt that often overshadows the happiness. I suppose the best I can do now is live my life the way I wish Gabriel could have lived his... constantly in search of happiness and always hopeful that the best is yet to come..

You Are Always In My Heart

During the past few months I have been blessed to meet so many amazing people. I am so thankful for all of my BLM friends and feel especially grateful to those who have taken the time to send beautiful gifts in Gabriel's memory. I am constantly overwhelmed by the generosity and support that exists here in the BL community.

Today I'd like to send a heartfelt thanks to a very special BLM named Rhonda at You Are Always In My Heart, who sent me this beautiful handmade heart with Gabriel's name. As soon as I received it, I hung it on my window so I could take a picture of it in the sunlight. I just can't get over how lovely it is and how such a simple gesture has brought me so much joy.

I hope that everyone takes a moment to visit her website and read her heartbreaking and inspiring story. You can also view her beautiful gallery of hearts, and make a request if you would like a heart in memory of your baby(ies).

You are Always in my Heart

The Autopsy Results

During the past three months since Gabriel's death, I have been hoping that his autopsy would reveal what caused the downward spiral that ultimately led to his death. I honestly thought that the autopsy report would bring me peace of mind and I was looking forward to receiving a little bit of closure, or at the very least some answers.

Gabriel was diagnosed prenatally with meconium peritonitis which is basically a spontaneous rupture of the intestines. Several perinatologists agreed with this diagnosis, but none of them could confirm with certainty. Several ultrasounds revealed that he also had extremely severe abdominal ascites, but again doctors could not explain why. Lastly, by 20 weeks gestation, he had lost almost all of his amniotic fluid, a complication known as oligohydramnios. This is what made his case fatal. Without fluid, his lungs could not develop, making oligohydramnios the trump card of his diagnosis.

Since four different perinatologists couldn't tell us what was wrong with our baby, we consented to an autopsy, in hopes that a pathologist could.

Our primary questions were:

What caused him to lose his amniotic fluid?

Was the prenatal diagnosis of M.P. correct?

What is the likelihood this will recur in subsequent pregnancies?

Unfortunately none of these questions were answered.

Instead, Gabriel was diagnosed with Hirschsprung's Disease, which is a disorder of the intestines, characterized by an absence of ganglion nerve cells. H.D. symptoms in newborns include constipation, inability to pass meconium after birth, and abdominal distension. H.D. presents itself in 1 in 5000 live births, predominantly in males. It is not considered to be a fatal disease and in some cases it is so mild, it goes undiagnosed until later in life.

Most importantly, H.D. is not known to cause any issues prenatally and there is no link between H.D. and stillbirth. H.D. offers an explanation for the dilated intestines (seen on the ultrasound), but fails to explain the oligohydramnios and the ascites.

Basically the diagnosis of H.D. has led us to more questions instead of the answers we were hoping for. It is likely that we will never know why our son was taken from us. It could simply be the worst case of spontaneous bad luck ever, but since the autopsy results couldn't prove this one way or the other, we'll never know for sure. I suppose in the future, new research could tell us something, but I'm not holding my breath.

The doctor who delivered Gabriel has been an OB since the stone ages and he said that he has never even heard of a case like Gabriel's and that he doesn't see a reason why we can't have healthy babies. I guess this should make me feel better.

But it doesn't.

I still cannot envision giving birth to a healthy baby. I am still terrified at the thought of losing another baby. I still worry all the time even though I'm not even pregnant yet. I still wonder how I will survive the loss of another child.

And I still want to know why Gabriel died. Why did an innocent, helpless, beautiful baby have to die?

Babyloss...

Why???

Being a BLM in GIFs (Football Game Edition)

So Saturday was the big game!




I was excited to watch my Trojans play




After we scored our first touchdown...

...I heard an excited fan cheering behind me

This was me, after turning around and seeing that it was a 2 year old boy, sitting on his dad's lap:

This was me, every time he asked his dad one of those adorable 2-year old questions about football:

This was me, thinking about how I'd never get to take Gabriel to a football game:

But then the boy lost interest in the game, so they left at halftime

So the point of this story is, WHO THE HELL LEAVES THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE SEASON AT HALFTIME WHEN THE SCORE IS 34-24!!!!!!!!!

Just flat out

Seriously man

Day of the Dead (Día de los Muertos)

Thursday night, we walked up the street to see the Altar of Innocents at the Day of the Dead (Día de los Muertos) Festival here in San Pedro, California. If you've been following the STILL PROJECT, this event was featured on their Facebook page. 

The Altar of Innocents was beautifully decorated and was such a special tribute to all of our babies. But it was so heartbreaking to see so many butterflies, each of which had a baby's name written on it. Other BL parents even added their babies' names to the tree on the altar. Since we got there really late, there were no butterflies left, so we attached Gabriel's name to the gate where others had written notes to their deceased loved ones. 

I am so glad that our babies received a special altar at the festival. I think it helped to demonstrate that our babies are people too and that they are forever missed. 


The Altar of Innocents:

Being a BLM in GIFs (Halloween Edition)

So today I went to Trader Joes just to pick up a few things



And I started chatting with the really sweet checkout girl



Everything was just fine and dandy

Until she asked me how my Halloween was




If I told her the truth, this would have happened




And then this would have happened

And then, inevitably I'd have to avoid her




Maybe I'd even have to find a new supermarket




So I just smiled and pretended it was all good




Thank God I decided to buy that box of chocolate macaroons!

I have to give full credit to BLM, Annie at Carpenter Rebuilt for brilliantly creating Babyloss in Gifs on her blog. I loved the idea so much I just had to steal it :)

Thanks Annie!!


(I don't own any of these pictures. To find the original source, click on the pictures.)

Free Giveaway and Raffle! (To Support the March of Dimes)

I'm hosting a Free Giveaway and a Raffle for the month of November!

~November is National Prematurity Awareness Month~

I have met several families who have lost a baby or babies due to premature birth. Gabriel also died due to complications associated with prematurity. In memory of Gabriel and all of the babies who have been taken by premature birth, I am hosting a free giveaway and a raffle to raise awareness and to support the March of Dimes, whose efforts and research help to save lives of babies.

You could WIN one of these items in memory of your precious baby(ies)!
1. Angel Statue with Forever Heart (Inscription reads "Those that touched our lives will be treasured in our hearts forever")
2. Butterfly with Cross Necklace on an 18" Chain
3. Miniature Figurine of a Baby Wrapped in Angel Wings

(Close-up Pictures Can Be Seen HERE.)

Entry Rules & Details:
~Any babyloss parent, anywhere in the world, may enter!
~There will be 2 drawings -- one for the Raffle, and one for the Free Giveaway. You can enter 1 or both.
~The winner of the Raffle will have 1st pick. Winner of the Giveaway will have 2nd pick. The remaining item will automatically go to the person who makes the highest donation.
~Winners will be announced on November 30th!

To enter the Raffle:
~Donate using the Paypal link below. Your name will be entered in the raffle drawing one time for every $1.00 donated.
~You may also donate directly to the March of Dimes. You just need to e-mail me a screen-shot of your payment confirmation showing the amount donated. (CarryingAnAngel@gmail.com)

If you can't donate you can still enter the Free Giveaway!

Just leave a comment with your baby(ies) name(s) here or on my Facebook page, so that I know you want to be entered.
________________________________________________________________________________

100% of Donations will be given to the March of Dimes to HELP SAVE THE LIVES OF PREMATURE BABIES! For every $1.00 donated, your name will be entered once in the Raffle for a chance to win one of the giveaway items pictured above. Thank you for helping me to reach my goal of $100 for the March of Dimes!