I never really expected life to be easy. I never expected it to go my way all the time. I've never been incredibly lucky or lived in the type of world where things have just been handed to me. Growing up, I knew that being successful would take hard work and dedication and time and perseverance. When I was in college, I worked hard to get good grades and graduate on time. I wanted to have a successful career, to make loads of money, to be the CEO of my own company one day. I dreamed of a life of working my way to the top. When I got out in the real world, I realized that it wasn't enough to dream. There were a lot of young college graduates who were just as smart as me, just as ambitious, and just as eager as me to start climbing the ladder to the top. I knew it would be a challenge. I knew I would have to work everyday to reach my goals.
Just as I knew that I would have to work for many things. Jobs. Promotions. Money. Success. Friendships. Marriage. I never believed that anything would just be handed to me. I knew I would have to work hard to have a good life. To be the person who I wanted to be.
But never once did I think that becoming a mother would one day be the most difficult challenge of my life. I assumed that when I was ready, when I decided that I wanted to have children, that it would just happen. I thought that having children was supposed to be easy. That raising them was the hard part.
But as I look back over the past three years all I see is a bumpy windy road of failures where I've attempted motherhood again and again. A three year journey to motherhood that is both endless and nonexistent. I've worked and I've tried and I've persevered and I've given it my all, but I'm still here waiting for the day when all of this will pay off. I used to believe that not giving up was the key to success. But now, I realize that when it comes to babies, a huge part of it is just plain luck.
Some people are so lucky. So blessed. Some people have lots of babies without any issues. Without ever having to say good-bye to one of them. Some people never struggle with infertility. Some people go their whole lives without ever knowing that babyloss exists.
And others work and work and try and try and invest all their money and all their time and all their hope and still don't have what everyone else seems to have so easily.
Some people struggle for years to experience the joy that others get in just 9 months. It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem right.
But I'll tell you one thing that I've learned over the past 3 years. That the things we feel like we have to work the hardest for... successful careers, money, cars, popularity, fame... are in fact the things that matter the least in the world. If there's one thing that is truly worth working for, sacrificing everything for, enduring despair and loss for, it's your children. I wouldn't walk this journey for anyone else. If one day I'm able to reach the end of this road, I'll know that it was not luck, nor hope, nor perseverance, nor hard work that got me there.
But love.
Love which not only makes the journey possible, but makes every minute of it a lesson that teaches me everyday that children are the most precious gift... that they alone give meaning to life's greatest sufferings and pave the way for life's most beautiful moments.
