This Time... Again

It's the holiday season once more. Even though it has become easier to endure this time of year, I know for many, myself included, that after losing a child, the holidays are forever bittersweet. This year, like last year, I have my sweet boy Louis with me. He fills the house with his cries and laughter and the energy that only a little boy can possess. He runs around with curiosity in his eyes. He comes up to me and smiles for just a second before returning to his crazy antics. I dress him up in adorable red and green pajamas and watch his eyes light up when we turn on the Christmas lights.

He is a blessing. He is the blessing of all blessings. This I know.

But with all my heart, I wish there were more presents under the tree. I wish I could take one of those family photos with one child looking at the camera smiling and the other, completely oblivious, picking his nose and looking at the ceiling. I wish I had all my babies here with me. But mostly I wish this could just be happy joyous festive time. Instead of the bittersweet, wish-I-could-change-so-many-things time of the year.

Yesterday was Poppy's 2nd birthday. It feels like forever ago that we learned she was gone. I remember feeling so lucky to be pregnant again thinking that it would somehow make the holidays easier to get through. December is such a difficult month to lose a baby. It's hard, really more like impossible to get in the Christmas spirit when the one person you want to celebrate with the most is gone.

It's now been almost 3 1/2 years since Gabriel died. I imagine Louis and Gabriel opening presents together, playing with new toys on Christmas day while watching Christmas cartoons, the way my sister and I used to do when we were kids. I wish Louis could have that. I wish my family could have that. I wish for once we could have a complete Christmas with no one missing.

Sending love, peace, hope and healing to all of you this holiday season.

And happy birthday to my little Poppy celebrating her birthday and Jesus' birthday with her brother in Heaven this year.

Three

Three years ago you were all mine to hold. I held you in my arms, kissed your cute little nose, willed myself to remember every inch of your tiny body. That day came and went so quickly, too quickly. If there was ever a time I wished for time to stand still, it was that day three years ago. But night came and I kissed you one last time, held you close to my heart and gave you every part of myself that I could. The hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life was saying good-bye to you.

I still think about that day all the time. Every day I think of you, talk to you, wish you were here. I wonder what it would be like to have a three year old you. To know what you like to eat. And your favorite songs. And your first word. I'll never know any of it, but I'll forever have the memories we made together three years ago on that special day. I want you to know that your birth was the single most beautiful moment of my life. That it changed me down to my soul. That I get to be who I am because of you.

I love you sweet baby. Happy 3rd birthday Gabriel <3