Three Years Ago

It's strange how a certain date can feel like yesterday and also like a lifetime ago. Some days it almost feels like it was in a different lifetime, like I was a completely different person. Other days I remember it so clearly like it just happened, rather than a distant memory. Part of me wishes I could go back three years and cherish the few weeks I had with you. Part of me just wants to look ahead and be grateful for everything I have. The truth is I remember that day being scary and sad. I remember feeling helpless and hopeless. Now I feel stronger and happier. I have so much now and yet I will never forget the day I lost you, one of my precious children. I will never fully be able to move forward without you. I will never be able to forget you. I will never want to forget you or the hope you once brought me or the immense joy I experienced when I first learned that I was chosen to be your mama. I thought you were the answer to all my prayers. And in a way, you were. Your brother is the one who ultimately became the child I always wanted, but you my sweet Poppy are the child I never knew I wanted. The child who I will always cherish, always love, always wish I could know better. I will always be proud and feel blessed to be your mama.

Happy Birthday in Heaven sweet baby! You are deeply missed and treasured always!

Four.

When I imagine you now, I see you playing soccer with your dad, learning your ABCs in preschool, coming home and asking millions of questions about how the world works. I think about all of the conversations we would be having and what kind of brother you would be to Louis. Sometimes I try to conjure up an image of a four year old version of you. I picture your round face, your bright smile, and all the little things about you that make you unique and special.

I think about all the different people you could have been. And I wonder if I'll ever know the real you or if I'll ever truly be able to understand just how immense this loss is. Will I ever really know how much I am missing? Will there ever be a time when I have all the answers that I've been seeking for so long?

Four.

Some may say that four years is a considerable passage of time. That everything and anything can change in four years. Others may say that it's barely a season. That it's merely a blink in time. But me... Well, I know only what you have taught me.

That love cannot be measured in time. That true love has no borders. That ultimately, my love for you can never end, but only grow stronger and deeper.

Happy 4th birthday baby boy! I live in a beautiful world because four years ago, I was so very blessed to cross paths with your sweet soul. 

You are so very loved. So very treasured. So very missed.