Merry Christmas Gabriel

For Christmas this year, we asked friends and family to commit random acts of kindness in memory of Gabriel. At first, I was saddened and a little disappointed because some of the people I assumed would participate chose not to. But then as I laid out all the cards and printed out each of the emails I realized that for every person who I  was expecting to participate but didn't, someone completely unexpected did. My heart was warmed by all of the wonderful people who committed and shared random acts of kindness in memory of my sweet boy. We read each one aloud as a family (me, my husband and my parents) and then commented on how beautiful and generous each act was.

I feel so blessed to be able to say that we received a lot of really lovely notes. Some people gave money or bought meals for the homeless, others helped friends or family, and some donated to charities like St. Jude's. One friend even decided to forgive her father and get in touch with him after several years of being estranged. Every act committed was so significant and it brought me so much comfort and joy to know that these good deeds were done because other people had been inspired by Gabriel to spread kindness. We are both so very grateful to everyone for thinking of our baby and making our Christmas special this year. 

My husband and I decided to also take part in Gabriel's Stocking Project. As our act of kindness we chose not to exchange gifts this year and instead donated to a few of the charities that have helped us or other babyloss parents. This was our little way of giving back to a community that has been so supportive. 

In Gabriel's memory, we donated to Faith’s Lodge because we hope that every parent who loses a child has the opportunity to find healing at a place as special as Faith's Lodge. In memory of Gabriel's great-grandfather, we donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep because we all know how valuable pictures of our angels are. In memory of Gabriel's aunt (my sister), we contributed to Molly Bears and in memory of the 20 children who lost their lives at Sandyhook Elementary, we made a donation to The Compassionate Friends. Lastly, in memory of all the babies who now dance with Gabriel in Heaven and who are so desperately missed here on Earth, we gave back to Project Sweet Peas, an organization that has provided us with comfort by making a memory box for Gabriel.

Though part of me feels so fortunate to have a son that has inspired extraordinary kindness this Christmas and to have friends and loved ones who care so much about Gabriel, there's a much (MUCH) greater part of me who wishes more than anything that Gabriel had been here instead. I can't help but look at the Christmas cards of families with babies and small children, and think that we should have had that this year also. We should have stood in front of our Christmas tree holding our new baby. We should have filled his stocking with baby toys and pacifiers. This should have been the happiest Christmas of our lives. Instead, Christmas this year was yet another reminder of how much potential has been lost, how many joyous moments will never be lived and how many precious memories will never be made. How truly so much has been stolen from us.

I wish on Christmas, we could all have our children back for just one day. I'd rather have him in my arms for a minute than receive all of the presents in the world. I look forward to the first Christmas I get to spend in Heaven with Gabriel, my sister and all the beautiful children waiting for us to join them around the most spectacular Christmas tree ever.

Merry Christmas Gabriel! I hope you had a beautiful Christmas in Heaven with Jesus and all your little friends.

Capture Your Grief, Day 27: Artwork

Today I feel uninspired. Nothing really spoke to me. I have aspirations of decorating a wall in our home with artwork in memory of Gabriel, but so far, it's just a vision and a dream. 

I've decided to share a picture of the wood carving that my husband made at Faith's Lodge. I think it turned out really nice and I love that it was made just for Gabriel.

Capture Your Grief, Days 20 & 21: Charity/Organization & Sacred Space

The organization that has really helped us is Faith's Lodge. You can read my post HERE.

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The sacred space we have set aside in memory of Gabriel is in our home.

We keep his ashes and special items on a table in our bedroom. So far the space is small so I have to change it often. I'm constantly removing things and replacing them with new items.

This is a picture from this morning. Currently, there is a vase with fall flowers, his star candle, another star bowl filled with seashells from the beach (the ones in my header photo), a small angel figurine holding stars, a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus, our heart shaped rocks, and a couple other special items.

We're hoping that one day we can create a much larger space and also frame some of his pictures and hang them on the wall.

Capture Your Grief, Days 17 & 18: Due Dates & Family Portrait

For Gabriel's EDD, we spent the afternoon at the beach and wrote names in the sand (that post is HERE):

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For our family portrait, I've decided to use our heart-shaped rocks since we haven't really taken any good pictures of us together recently. The Mommy & Daddy rocks are the ones we received at Faith's Lodge and the Gabriel rock is the one I found at the beach on October 1, 2012 when we went to take our sunrise photo for the first day of Capture Your Grief.

Capture Your Grief, Day 14: Community (Faith's Lodge)

I've been meaning to write about our trip to Faith's Lodge for awhile. If you're not familiar with Faith's Lodge, here is a brief description from their website:

"Faith's Lodge provides a place where parents and families facing the serious illness or death of a child can retreat to reflect on the past, renew strength for the present, and build hope for the future. In its North Woods setting, Faith's Lodge provides a peaceful escape for families to refresh their minds and spirits while spending time with others who understand what they are experiencing."

Faith's Lodge was established by Susan and Mark Lacek in memory of their baby girl, Faith, who died in June of 2000 from a cord accident. It is located on an 80 acre property in northern Wisconsin. Parents and families who have either lost a child in the past three years or who currently have a child with a serious illness may apply to stay there for up to five nights. There are different programs throughout the year, so that the week you attend, you will be among other couples or families who have faced a similar type of loss.

For example, we were there for the "infant loss" weekend of September 13-16, along with seven other couples who had all lost babies (either stillbirth or neonatal loss) in the past three years. We haven't had the chance to attend any events in the babyloss community yet, so this trip so far, has been our only experience with meeting a group of other BL parents.

Our group was diverse. Couples ranged from late teens to late 30's and losses occurred as early as 20 weeks GA to as late as 2 1/2 months old. All of our stories and situations were different and yet we were able to bond over our grief for the children we lost and our common devotion to keeping their memories alive.

During our time there, we spent a lot of time doing group activities such as painting heart-shaped rocks with our babies' names, decorating journals, making garden stones and painting birdhouses. We also had evening bonfires where we would gather, toast marshmallows and share stories.

We found comfort, support, and hope at Faith's Lodge. We got to be around people who understood how we felt, who wanted to hear about our son, and who didn't think we were crazy. It was nice to feel normal for a change.

The thing I liked most about Faith's Lodge was that we got to spend so much time honoring and remembering the children we've lost. It felt so healing to be able to talk about Gabriel and to work on crafts in his memory. The entire time, I felt like I was in a sacred place where babies and children are never forgotten.

The whole weekend was so much fun and it flew by so quickly. Nobody wanted to leave and go back to reality. I wish we could have stayed there forever, but in order for others to be able to go, we knew we had to leave.

Our time at Faith's Lodge lasted just a few days, but we hope to have made long-lasting friendships and to be able to hold onto beautiful memories for the rest of our lives.

If you ever get the chance to go, I highly recommend it.


Now for pictures... because it's impossible to describe just how breathtaking this place is!


The small heart-shaped rocks given to us to provide comfort during our group meeting. I'm using these as a representation of our group because I don't feel comfortable sharing pictures of other people.

Faith's Lodge:

   






The outside of Faith's Lodge:

We woke up early every morning to watch the magnificent sunrise over the lake. This is the view from our balcony:

Watching a beautiful sunrise from the bench swing in front of the lake. So peaceful!

8 dandelions to represent our 8 children:

Sophia's Bridge - where most people leave their children's rocks:

Standing on Sophia's Bridge

The garden stone we made in remembrance of Gabriel:

                                                                                                                                                                           

Corrado holding the sign he made during the mens' woodworking activity:

The angel statue garden where we left Gabriel's rock:

The heart-shaped rock we painted with Gabriel's name and birthdate

A tree in the forest at Faith's Lodge:

The steps leading down to the path in front of the lake: 

The table where we shared pictures of our babies:

The common room where we would talk and play board games:

Toasting marshmallows at the bonfire:

One last picture in front of Faith's Lodge, right before we left:

To learn more about Faith's Lodge, please visit their website: www.faithslodge.org

Star Child (Gabriel's Video)

I finally made Gabriel's slideshow video. Today, I was working on a completely different project, and for some reason I got inspired to make his video instead. I've been really wanting to do this for awhile as I've seen several other BLMs make beautiful videos and I think it's such a special way to honor our little ones.

This video is a collection of pictures from Gabriel's birth, from when we said goodbye at the mortuary, from our trip to Faith's Lodge, from my visits to the beach where I write his name in the sand, from our balloon releases in his memory, of some of Gabriel's special items like his star-shaped candle and angel figurine that holds his ashes, and of course a picture of his flower from Gabriel's Garden. The very last picture was taken by my dear friend Stephanie in honor of Gabriel's due date.

Everything in this video is a tribute to Gabriel's life and his unending LIGHT.

(Please make sure your computer's volume is on so you can view the video with music.)


With LOVE, in beloved remembrance of sweet baby Gabriel, my star child.



(Song is Starchild by Bliss)

To view this video on YouTube instead click HERE.

Index of Pictures:
1: 10 week ultrasound 
2-6: Faith's Lodge
7: Gabriel's Birth
8: Cabrillo Beach
9-12: Gabriel's Birth
13: Santa Monica Beach
14: Cabrillo Beach
15-20: Gabriel's Birth
21: Redondo Beach
22: Gabriel's Birth
23: Butterfly Released for Gabriel (from Rachel)
24-25: Cabrillo Beach
26: Gabriel's Birth
27-30: Saying Our Goodbyes at the Mortuary
31: My Necklace With Gabriel's Footprint and Name (Taken at Faith's Lodge)
32: Faith's Lodge
33: First Balloon Release for Gabriel
34-36: Gabriel's Birth
37: Second Balloon Release at Redondo Beach
38: Faith's Lodge
39-40: Gabriel's Birth
41-42: Redondo Beach
43: Gabriel's Garden
44: Seashore of Remembrance Beach Butterfly (from Carly Marie)
45: Gabriel's Birth
46: Gabriel's Star Candle
47: Gabriel's Birth
48-49: Cabrillo Beach
50: Gabriel's Urn
51: Painted Stone we Made at Faith's Lodge and Placed in their Angel Statue Garden
52: A Beach in Seaside Oregon (from Stephanie)