Starting Over

It's hard to admit this to myself, but there are days when I really wish I could start over. I wish I could rewind my life and go back to January 2012. That's when the first domino toppled over: Gabriel's conception. That's when all of this was first put into motion. That's when everything changed far beyond my control, when my life slowly started to fall apart.

I wish I could get a re-do on the last two years of my life. I wish I could have one chance to take back one choice. Because I am constantly wondering what my life would be like now if I had done one thing differently. Could one choice made differently have had the power to change my fate?

This time, two years ago, I remember wanting a baby so badly. I was so anxious to get pregnant. I was naively planning to have three children and I wanted to get started before I turned 30.

Now, I wonder what could have been if I had been more patient. If we had conceived one month later, would that have made all the difference in the world? Would that baby be a happy, healthy 15 month old squirming in my arms while I blog about cloth diapers instead of stillbirth?

I think I will always question what could have been if I had been patient and waited a couple months... if those two months could have spared me the suffering I've endured over the past two years.

It's heartbreaking and frustrating to know that I am exactly where I was then. Two years ago I was sitting here wishing for a baby, scouring the internet for fertility tips, trying with all my being to make my greatest wish come true. It's been two years and no progress has been made on the baby front. Nothing has been given in exchange for 24 agonizing months of loss and disappointment and failures and hopelessness and tears. I have nothing to show for years of trying relentlessly to have a family.

I want to scream at the universe. What else do I have to do?! Why can't this just be easier?! Over the past two years, I have had to watch every single person I know have healthy babies while I am STILL waiting for mine!! This is not fair!! This is not right!!

I look back over the last 24 months and I see so many tears, so many lost moments, so many empty days. I see my heart breaking over and over again, my faith dwindling, my hope fading, my dreams melting as my ovaries just continue to age and age.

It's becoming harder and harder to imagine what could have been. It's almost impossible to imagine my life turning out how I thought it would. I feel like over the past two years I've drifted further and further away from that life. I can barely remember what it felt like to dream of a future, to make plans, to have the luxury of choosing to have children. I often wonder if the universe actually laughed at my 3-children-before-35-plan.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to that time when my dreams had no boundaries just to remember for a moment what it felt like to have endless possibilities in front of me. That blissful time before I knew the risks of embarking on a new journey. Before I knew just what the road to motherhood had in store for me.

I think of everything I've been through on this journey, and I can't help but wish it had been different. I wish it had been easier... a lot easier. I wish I had been given a different baby, a healthy one that I could have kept.

But then my heart sinks knowing what I would have to sacrifice. And I realize that even if I could start over, I could never choose another path. I could never knock down a different domino. As hard as this life is, I could never give up the two babies I carried, the two babies who I love with all my heart, the two babies who aren't here but who I think about every single moment of every single day. Because even though I wish things were different, I don't wish for a life without them.

Even with the enormous pile of hardships that weighs heavily on my soul, this is the only life I have with them in it. This road is the only one that could have led me to both of my precious children. Whatever choice I made two years ago that has landed me here, I know in my heart that I could never choose differently.

Because they're my babies. And I'm their mother.

And that's the one thing that I would never want to change.

The One Year Anniversary of His Due Date

Today is one of those days that I'm not sure how I should be feeling. It's not his birthday. It's not a day that I expect anyone to remember. It's not a day in which anything significant occurred. In actuality, it's just an estimate of when he would have been born had he gestated for exactly 40 weeks.

But still it's one of those days that will always mean something to me. It will always represent what could have been if things had gone the way I wanted them to. More than that, it will always be the anniversary of the day I looked forward to for several months. The day that promised me a child and the beginning of a beautiful new life.

Part of me feels sad because that day never came. Because everything was perfect and then something changed and that day was erased from my life. But part of me feels like I should take joy from what that day represented. Because it had the potential to be the best day of my life.

Irregardless of the meaning of today, whatever that may end up being, for now it is simply a date that I associate with Gabriel. For many weeks I counted down to October 3, 2012 as I anxiously awaited the birth of our baby. I remember when it felt so far away, so unattainable. I remember thinking that time was moving at an unbearably slow pace. How strange that now it feels like an entire lifetime ago.

I suppose that's partially why acknowledging these anniversaries feels necessary. Anniversaries place little bookmarks on the important moments in our lives so that when we flip through the pages of our past, we know exactly where to turn first. They highlight the significant moments, the days we want to remember over and over again. Some days are marked for the events that took place during them. And others, for what never did.

Waiting in the Wind

There are moments when I sense that he is still here.

I can't see him, but I can feel that he is close. I feel the breeze on my neck, hear it whooshing past my face, and I can't help but wonder if this is his way of communicating with me. His way of staying close to me.

Is he trying to tell me that he's okay? That he's still alive.

That his spirit is all around me. That his soul is immortal. That he is part of every breath I take.

Or is it just the wind? The same wind that even mothers who have never lost a baby can feel.

Sometimes I wonder how much of the mystery of heaven is truth, how much is faith and how much is grief trapping me in denial for my own sanity. How much of his presence is my subconscious mind, unable to ever let him go.

This is why I question my own faith. Because I don't know if I have faith because I believe or because I need to believe. Because I am desperate beyond rationality.

I don't know if I feel him in the wind, see him in the glow of the sunset, hear him in the crashing waves because he is always on my mind, because it is I who is seeking a glimpse of him.

Or because it is him who has come back to find me. Is heaven perhaps not a palace in the sky, but rather the freedom to fly in the wind that brushes against those who need you most.

Though the truth is a mystery never to be solved, I like to think that I feel him close by during certain moments because he is with me.

Because it's hard to accept that someone who is so loved could ever die.

Because it's so much sweeter to imagine that he never really left.

Because maybe he's not lost.

Maybe he's just waiting in the wind.

Gabriel's 1st Birthday

As most of you know, yesterday was Gabriel's 1st birthday. I'm still in disbelief that a whole year has passed already. I hate to use cliches but it really does feel like it was just yesterday that I was laying in the hospital bed preparing to give birth to him. It feels so strange to think that if Gabriel had survived, I'd have a 1 year old baby today. It's difficult to even imagine what that would be like and how different my life would be. But even though he couldn't be here, we wanted to make the day as beautiful and joyous as possible.

Thank you RaeAnne

Since this was his 1st birthday, I really wanted it to be extra special and a day to start new traditions. I didn't want to spend the day being sad or missing him. Instead, I wanted it to be all about Gabriel and celebrating his precious life and I think for the most part it was. The entire day was very peaceful and beautiful and we were able to do everything that we had planned.

The most important thing was getting his birthday video uploaded to YouTube on time. For the past few months, we've been working on a video using photos that we've been taking to symbolize Gabriel's life and legacy. I haven't been keeping track of how much time we've spent, but my guess is that it took us about 100 hours, maybe a bit more if you count the photos that were taken but not included in the final video. Needless to say we've been working really hard the past few weeks to make sure it would be finished by Gabriel's birthday. That's been our goal all along and though that seemed reasonable three months ago, it definitely became very challenging towards the end.

I stayed up late on Thursday night to finish editing the video and uploaded it to YouTube before I went to bed. When I woke up yesterday morning it was ready to share. I was so happy to be able to successfully share the video on the morning of his birthday. (You can read more about it and watch it here if you'd like.)

The other thing we had to do yesterday morning was to finish his cake. We decided we wanted to decorate his cake to look like a beach and then "write" his name in the sand. I thought making an angel food cake would be a cute tradition to start, so that's officially become the cake we'll be making each year for Gabriel's birthday. The top of the cake is decorated with lots of frosting, as well as cookies, whipped cream, graham cracker crumbs, brown sugar and white sugar. My husband, being the chef in the family, ended up doing most of the work and I think he did such a good job, especially with the little decorations.

After finishing the cake, we walked to our local diner and had breakfast. Another tradition I wanted to start this year was to eat bacon and eggs for breakfast, because that's what I was preparing the morning I went into labor with Gabriel. I didn't get a chance to actually eat breakfast that morning but for some reason bacon and eggs is the one meal that reminds me of Gabriel the most. Even though my husband doesn't really like bacon (I know he's weird) and even though I'm not really supposed to be eating it, we both agreed that it was must-do for Gabriel's birthday. 

After breakfast, we went to buy his birthday balloons. We decided to release them at the Korean Bell of Friendship here in San Pedro, which looking back, probably wasn't the best location to choose. It's always really windy there because it's located on a hill overlooking the ocean. It was a struggle to hold onto the balloons but I really wanted to wait to release them at precisely 2:11 so they would be flying at the exact time that Gabriel was born. Waiting totally paid off! Right before we released the balloons, a huge flock of 20 or so pelicans soared by in the background. It was so special that they flew by at just the right time. 

On the way home, we stopped at the church to visit Gabriel's memorial candle. We haven't been in awhile, so it was really nice to be able to go to just pause for awhile and reflect back on the day of his birth. 

After that, we went home because we both desperately needed to take a nap before going to the beach for the evening. The one thing that I absolutely had to do yesterday was watch the sunset at the beach. I was really hoping for a cloudless evening, but as usual there were storm clouds over the horizon. We were able to take a picture of his name in the sand just as the sun was peeking out from underneath the clouds. And just as the sun was setting beneath the horizon, it turned a glorious bright red. It was spectacular to watch, but not especially easy to photograph.

Just like the past year, the day went by so quickly! I'm grateful that I was able to spend the entire day with my husband celebrating our beautiful little boy and to have friends and family who thought of him as well. 

Thank you to everyone who remembered Gabriel's birthday yesterday and for all the lovely comments and photos. 

Thank you Shauna

Celebrating Gabriel

For the past few months, my husband and I have been working really hard, taking hundreds of photos in order to create this video for Gabriel's 1st Birthday. I'm so glad that we were able to finish it on time to share it on his birthday.

This is the story of Gabriel's gestation, life, birth, death and legacy, told through the animation of 1,357 photographs.

Thank you for watching and for keeping Gabriel in your heart today on his special day.

YouTube version (with option to watch in HD):


Vimeo Version (for cell phones):

Celebrating Gabriel from Catherine McVerry on Vimeo.

(Music by Helen Jane Long // All photographs are subject to U.S. standard copyright laws // All photos taken with iPhone 4s and Hipstamatic)

All I Know

As the months go by, it's getting increasingly harder to imagine what he would look like. He was such a tiny little thing when he was born that there's just no possible way to know what he would have looked like as an almost-12 month old baby. It saddens me to know that I probably wouldn't even recognize him if I were to see him today. He'd be crawling, giggling, curiously eyeing the world through big brown eyes. He'd have lots of dark hair and chubby cheeks. He would have his own set of baby teeth and would be snacking on Cheerios and bananas. But who he would be is a person that sadly, I'll never know.

He doesn't have a favorite toy or a favorite book. He doesn't love to sing or dance. He doesn't have a first word. He isn't a happy baby or a squirmy baby or any kind of baby. He's my son, my very own flesh and blood, but I don't know him. All I know is that no matter who he would have been, I would have done anything to make him happy. I would have held his hand as he struggled to take his first steps. I would have cuddled him close during the difficult weeks of teething. I would have read him his favorite story ten times a day. I would have taken him to the beach and dipped his feet in the water. I would have shown him the birds and the flowers and the clouds.

In my mind, there's a long list of things I would have loved to do with him. But really it's the little things that I wish for the most. If only I could have heard him cry, or watched him wake up in the early morning, or taught him how to say "mama," then maybe, just maybe I would have some understanding of who he is.

There's so much that I'll never know.

All I know is that I love him with my whole heart.

And that I would do anything to have him back.

His New Life

Sometimes, when I think about Gabriel's soul in Heaven, I reminisce about my years spent at college and I like to imagine that Gabriel is so happy and too busy living a new adventure, to miss us here on earth. 

During my first few weeks at college, I remember feeling so excited to be on my own. The possibilities were endless... an adventure in its earliest stages anxious to be unfolded further. College was a new life for me, and I couldn't wait to live it. To me, it was the sweet taste of freedom and independence and the opportunity to become anyone I wanted to be.

I didn't realize it then, but looking back, I'm sure my parents missed seeing me everyday, (though they often teased that they were happy to have me out of the house). It didn't really occur to me back then, but now I wonder how many times my mom worried about me whenever I took a few days too long to return her phone calls. Even though I was perfectly okay, I'm sure it was hard for my parents to go weeks without seeing me, if only because they needed reassurance that I was eating enough and hadn't done anything stupid like dye my hair pink or break my arm. 

But like most teenagers, other people weren't my biggest concern. I loved my parents, but returning their phone calls and making regular trips home wasn't on the top of my priorities list. I wanted to hang out with my friends, make new ones, stay up til 2 in the morning and eat Lucky Charms for dinner. It's not that I didn't love my parents, and it's not that I forgot about them or stopped appreciating all they had done for me. It's just simply, how do you miss your old life when your current life feels perfectly complete and is just so much better?

I wish more than anything that I could worry about Gabriel going off to college and miss him while he's just a few hundred miles away. But since he can't be here, I like to imagine that he is up in Heaven fully enjoying his new life, making new friends, dancing, laughing, playing, and running around without a care in the world. That he's so busy having fun that he doesn't even have the chance to ponder whether he misses us here on earth. But in the same way that I loved my parents despite the separation, despite the joy I was experiencing, I hope that he too loves us. I hope he has the understanding of where he came from and that he knows that I love him unconditionally. I hope in some small way he remembers his brief life inside my womb and I hope the bond we formed is a memory he treasures. But I also hope that he, like every child off on a new adventure, is so enthralled and happy that he's incapable of longing for anything except for more of the incredible life he has in Heaven.

Walking With You - Intro and Where We Are Now

[I've decided to participate in Sufficient Grace's Walking With You series for mothers and families who have lost a child. I hope that this writing project helps me to express in words what it feels like to grieve the loss of a baby, a subject that has been difficult for me to write about. I find it unbelievably challenging to adequately describe the feelings that encompass losing a child. I can never seem to find the right words. It makes me realize how unnatural babyloss is -- our language doesn't even include sufficient vocabulary to describe it.]

Week 1: Introduction and Where We Are Now

Hello Everyone! I'm Catherine and my son's name is Gabriel. I live in Los Angeles with my husband. DH and I were married in February 2011 and for several months we were happy newlyweds, enjoying life as a two-some. Later that year we started discussing the possibility of expanding our family and in January 2012, we learned I was pregnant with our first baby.

DH and I were thrilled and we spent the next few months reaching levels of excitement and eagerness that only first-time-parents-to-be get to experience. Everything was going great... why wouldn't it be? We were young, healthy, average people.

What could ever go wrong?

So we thought. 

In May, a series of ultrasounds revealed that our baby would not survive after birth. I was 19 weeks pregnant and we had only two options and one very difficult choice. We could continue the pregnancy knowing that our baby would die before or shortly after birth, or we could end the pregnancy that week. Every waking moment of every day I prayed for secret option #3.

Despite our prayers, hopes, dreams and deepest wishes, on July 19th, 2012, we welcomed our precious son to the world just a few hours after his Father embraced him in Heaven. If interested, you can read more about Gabriel here.

It's now been 5 months, 2 weeks and 6 days since that beautiful and tragic day.

I've been grieving for many months now, but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure where I am in my grief journey. I often feel like I've been walking on this journey for ages; grief has become inexplicably familiar. And yet some days it feels so foreign and fresh, like I just realized all of a sudden, that this is all real.

In the beginning, I cried all the time, until my eyes were swollen and my heart literally felt broken. But now, I go days without crying and only occasionally find myself with my head in my hands, sobbing inconsolably. I know it sounds strange, but I actually wish I cried more often. I've come to welcome those moments where my grief consumes me because it's when I'm most grief-stricken that I feel closest to Gabriel.

I sometimes worry that healing will cause me to drift further and further away from him. I'm still trying to figure out how to move forward without continually feeling guilty that I'm abandoning my son in the past. I don't want to forget anything about him and I feel like relinquishing the pain means having to let go of a piece of him. I want to remember the tremendous joy and love, but I also want to hold on to the sorrow. I want to ache deeply for my son, but of course, part of me also wants to heal.

These past few weeks, I have been asking the Lord to help me find a balance, to teach me how to delicately tread in between grief and healing. I have immense faith that in time, He will show me the way. That He will hold my hand and not just walk beside me on this journey, but rather, that He will guide me.

I may never fully understand it, but I am learning to accept God's will for what it is... His plan, not mine. I trust that He is in control of my destiny and that I am walking this journey because Light and Eternal Love await me at the end of it.

I pray that with His guidance, my journey of grief will evolve into a bridge that connects my heart and soul not just to my beloved son... but also to my loving Father.

Leaving 2012

I am both eager and sorry to be leaving 2012.

It is with hope but also with a very heavy heart that I stand at the edge of 2012 and gaze outward towards a new year. I look forward to the unknown opportunities that lay ahead, but at the same time 2013 feels so daunting. Out there in the abyss of the future, I anticipate all that the new year expects of me and at my core, I feel so distressed. The pressure to make this new year a better one is overwhelming and I can't help but worry that more disappointments await me in 2013. I don't know if I have the strength to endure another year of loss and pain, and I'm not prepared to face any more hardship.

2012 has been the most devastating year of my life, but also the most extraordinary and easily the most life-changing. It's the year Gabriel was here with me, but also the year he was taken.

There is so much I wish I could go back and change about this past year, and I hope that there are cleansing waters in the new year that will wash away some of these feelings of regret and guilt.

In 2012, I became pregnant for the first time. I became a mother and my husband became a father. The first 6 1/2 months of 2012 were a sacred gift. I look back upon those days with more joy than words can adequately describe. The last 5 1/2 months were the most difficult and possibly the darkest of my life. We spent those days letting go of our son, remembering him in every way we could think of, and treasuring the memories we have of him. In so many ways, the last 5 1/2 months are just as meaningful as the first 6 1/2. Now that they're over, I'm sad to be walking away from all 12 months.

In 2013, I would love to become pregnant again. But of course I fear another loss and I worry that a healthy baby is not part of God's plan for us. I fear failure. I fear death. I fear that we will not be blessed and that the stork will fly past our home. I fear what will happen to my heart if that were to happen. And I want. I want another baby. I want to hold and nourish a brand new life. I want to feel those precious and beautiful kicks. But mostly, I hope. I hope that 2013 will be a year I can always look back on as the year we were blessed with a healthy baby. I hope that 2013 is a happy year. I hope.

I look back over the past year and I can't help but feel like my life stood still for an entire year. I don't see any progress, any accomplishments, any goals attained. I turned 30 in 2012 and I hate that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at the age of 30. I thought I would have more (living) children by now. I thought I would be in the middle of a career, instead of at the end of one and the beginning of another. I thought 30 would be a good year, an easy year, a simple, normal, average year. Instead, I've learned that it's not enough to think, to expect, to want, to plan. Life is a giant curve ball. There is so little we have control over. And that is the lesson I have learned in 2012.

In 2013, I will be taking the first steps towards the above-mentioned new career. I am plenty motivated, but have so many deep-seated worries and part of me doesn't believe I can achieve what I've set out to do. I'm not sure why I have these doubts, but I pray that in time, they will be replaced with courage and some kind of understanding that I have made the right choice. I hope that this new career helps me to heal and that it forever serves to remind me of who I have become because Gabriel was once here. I trust that the Lord will help me realize this dream and that he has placed it on my heart with good reason.

In 2013, I see the potential for so many wonderful things and my heart is filled with faith. I am grateful that God has allowed us another year. I know it is a gift.

But still, how can I not be sad to leave my sweet little baby behind in 2012. This was his year and it pains me to see it end. I worry that as time ticks on, the world will forget him and that my memories will slowly fade. They're all I have left of him and I can't bear the thought of even them being stolen from me. I pray that I will never ever forget the details and moments that made 2012 so special.

I wish I could stay here a little longer. Reflect and soak in the past year for a few more days. Can't I just linger here in the transition from the year I had with Gabriel and the year that offers new hope and new life? Can't I stand with one foot firmly planted in 2012 and the other hesitantly hovering over the cusp of 2013? Can't time just stop and give those of us who lost our precious children in 2012 a little more time to remain behind?

Because I'm not sure that I'm quite ready to leave yet.


~Remembering Gabriel and all the babies who left this world in 2012. The past may hold the days they were here with us, but the future holds the eternity that we will spend with them in Heaven.~

 

Merry Christmas Gabriel

For Christmas this year, we asked friends and family to commit random acts of kindness in memory of Gabriel. At first, I was saddened and a little disappointed because some of the people I assumed would participate chose not to. But then as I laid out all the cards and printed out each of the emails I realized that for every person who I  was expecting to participate but didn't, someone completely unexpected did. My heart was warmed by all of the wonderful people who committed and shared random acts of kindness in memory of my sweet boy. We read each one aloud as a family (me, my husband and my parents) and then commented on how beautiful and generous each act was.

I feel so blessed to be able to say that we received a lot of really lovely notes. Some people gave money or bought meals for the homeless, others helped friends or family, and some donated to charities like St. Jude's. One friend even decided to forgive her father and get in touch with him after several years of being estranged. Every act committed was so significant and it brought me so much comfort and joy to know that these good deeds were done because other people had been inspired by Gabriel to spread kindness. We are both so very grateful to everyone for thinking of our baby and making our Christmas special this year. 

My husband and I decided to also take part in Gabriel's Stocking Project. As our act of kindness we chose not to exchange gifts this year and instead donated to a few of the charities that have helped us or other babyloss parents. This was our little way of giving back to a community that has been so supportive. 

In Gabriel's memory, we donated to Faith’s Lodge because we hope that every parent who loses a child has the opportunity to find healing at a place as special as Faith's Lodge. In memory of Gabriel's great-grandfather, we donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep because we all know how valuable pictures of our angels are. In memory of Gabriel's aunt (my sister), we contributed to Molly Bears and in memory of the 20 children who lost their lives at Sandyhook Elementary, we made a donation to The Compassionate Friends. Lastly, in memory of all the babies who now dance with Gabriel in Heaven and who are so desperately missed here on Earth, we gave back to Project Sweet Peas, an organization that has provided us with comfort by making a memory box for Gabriel.

Though part of me feels so fortunate to have a son that has inspired extraordinary kindness this Christmas and to have friends and loved ones who care so much about Gabriel, there's a much (MUCH) greater part of me who wishes more than anything that Gabriel had been here instead. I can't help but look at the Christmas cards of families with babies and small children, and think that we should have had that this year also. We should have stood in front of our Christmas tree holding our new baby. We should have filled his stocking with baby toys and pacifiers. This should have been the happiest Christmas of our lives. Instead, Christmas this year was yet another reminder of how much potential has been lost, how many joyous moments will never be lived and how many precious memories will never be made. How truly so much has been stolen from us.

I wish on Christmas, we could all have our children back for just one day. I'd rather have him in my arms for a minute than receive all of the presents in the world. I look forward to the first Christmas I get to spend in Heaven with Gabriel, my sister and all the beautiful children waiting for us to join them around the most spectacular Christmas tree ever.

Merry Christmas Gabriel! I hope you had a beautiful Christmas in Heaven with Jesus and all your little friends.

Italy Vacation Photo Journal

For those of you wondering how our vacation went, it wasn't nearly as bad (or sad) as I was expecting it to be.

The weather was freezing, but also very sunny and surprisingly there was no wind or snow, which is unusual especially during winter.

We were very busy the entire time as this trip was only 1 week long. We spent most of the time with family and friends in Genova, but one day we were able to go to Cinqueterre which was beautiful. Of course, the entire time I missed Gabriel and everywhere there were things that reminded me of him. I often found myself wishing he could have been there with us, but it made me feel better to do nice things to remember him.


Here is a photo journal of our vacation (specifically the parts that included Gabriel)... I apologize for the length but I'm kind of a picture fanatic.

Genova, Italy
December 6 - December 12, 2012

THURSDAY:

We arrived in Milan after 16 hours of traveling! (I've taken this trip so many times and it never gets any easier)

For fun, we drove to Como and were planning to spend the day there, but since we couldn't find anywhere to eat that was open and it was freezing, we ended up just walking around for about an hour.

Before we left, we wanted to write Gabriel's name some way. There were tons of autumn leaves on the ground so we decided to write his name on a leaf and then drop it into the lake. I really like to do things that symbolize that he has returned to the earth.

Then we went for a walk around the park and I just happened to notice a corner of the lake (Lake Como) where the water had receded, uncovering a small patch of sand. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited that I ran to find a stick so I could write Gabriel's name in the sand. (I'm a little obsessed with writing his name in the sand.)

FRIDAY:

We spent the day relaxing with Corrado's parents as we slowly acclimated to the time difference. We went downtown for some quick shopping and while there, we decided to go to San Lorenzo Cathedral and light a candle for Gabriel.

SATURDAY:

We had a small party with close friends and family in honor of Gabriel. It was held at a restaurant on the sea and everyone we invited came, so we ended up with a pretty big group of people. We had a "family style" lunch and for dessert we shared a cake that we made and also one that we bought (ours didn't turn out that great, so we brought a back-up.)

Gabriel's grandparents had the bakery write his name on top of a Sacher cake. It was really beautiful. Unfortunately I didn't take a very good picture.

After lunch, we gathered outside on the beach for a balloon release. We spelled out Gabriel's name using 7 balloons and a different person held each letter. It was so special to do something as a group to remember Gabriel. I'm so touched that everyone wanted to participate.

After taking a few photos, we released the balloons along with several others.

It was such a sweet surprise to see them drift out over the sea. Usually there is a strong wind that comes from the sea (and by usually, I mean always), but that afternoon it was so calm and the balloons were able to float freely over the water.

After everyone left, we stayed to watch the sunset. It had been such a gorgeous sunny day and watching the sunset was the perfect way to end the day.

SUNDAY:

We took the train to Cinqueterre. As soon as we got off the train in Monterosso, we crossed the street and unexpectedly discovered this beautiful beach.

We weren't planning to write names in the sand at this beach (originally we were going to go to Santa Margherita), but we figured it would be difficult to find a beach as perfect as this one, so we spent the next 30 minutes writing names in the sand.

It was such a lovely sunny day and the sea was so calm, I can't help but believe that Gabriel was there with us.

I really wish we could have written more names, but since we weren't planning on writing names at all, we were limited by time. Now that we know about this beach, I'd love to go back during our next trip and write more names.

After spending a couple hours in Monterosso, we took the train to the next town, Vernazza, which is my favorite of the 5 Cinqueterre towns. Isn't it beautiful?

We accidentally ended up climbing up to Castle Doria which was lucky for us. From Castle Doria (located at the top of the cliff), you can see the entire coast of Cinqueterre and the view of the sea is endless.

We thought that watching the sunset from up there would be gorgeous, but decided instead to go down to the beach.  Like most of the beaches in this part of Italy, it was covered in rocks (as you can see above).

We gathered a few white rocks and spelled out Gabriel's name and photographed it just as the sun was setting.

MONDAY:

We went to the cemetery to visit Corrado's grandfather, great-grandmother and high school friend. It took us awhile as the cemetery is huge (a little more than a square kilometer).

As we were walking around, we stumbled across the baby section. It was so heartbreaking to see the headstones of so many babies, especially the matching headstones of triplet babies who had just recently grew their angel wings. I imagined their parents coming to the cemetery to bury their 3 babies and I realized how deeply I knew that pain. As a BLM, it's impossible to not ache for all of the other babyloss parents out there missing their precious children.

Saying a special prayer for all the sweet angels buried at Cimitero monumentale di Staglieno.

TUESDAY:

We went to the local church near Corrado's parents' house in Genova. Inside, there is this beautiful altar and church members can light candles and leave small pictures of their deceased loved ones.

After Gabriel died, Corrado's parents added a photo of him next to the photo of Corrado's maternal grandfather. It's such a precious reminder that they are together in Heaven.

Before we left, we lit a small candle for Gabriel and his great-grandfather.

Then we walked down to the shore to see the sunset and since the sea was calm, we wrote Gabriel's name in the sand. (See, I'm obsessed!)

WEDNESDAY (our last day):

We spent our last evening in Genova at the beach. We thought it would be nice to write baby names on sea stones and photograph them at sunset. Again, I wish we could have written more names, but unfortunately it took awhile to photograph each name and before we knew it 2 hours had passed and the sun was gone.

We didn't have time to photograph Gabriel's sea stone, so I'm just going to share a couple pictures of the sunset.

We left all the stones on the shore as the tide was rising so that within a few hours they would be taken by the sea. 

Afterthoughts:Though I was anxious to go on this trip, I'm happy we went. This vacation made me realize how easy it is to find Gabriel in the beauty of the world. I think of him whenever I witness a glorious sunset, whenever a balloon floats up to the sky, and whenever the waves of the sea roar and calm. It doesn't matter where I am in the world, somehow, we always manage to find each other.<3 Gabriel <3