October is Here

It's already October! I am anticipating that October is going to be an eventful month for me, so much so, that I've decided to write all about it.

First, I am participating in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief photo project throughout the entire month. Photography is a big interest of mine, and well, the past few months I've become an expert at grieving. I really wanted to do something to document my early days of loss and grief and I think this is a great way to do so. So, tomorrow I will start off this month by waking up at 6 a.m. to attempt to capture a shot of the sun rising at the beach. Melissa has agreed to be my project buddy, so with her help, I'm hoping I can take at least one picture every day this month.

In just a few days it will be Gabriel's due date. Back in January when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought October 3rd would never arrive. I thought my pregnancy would last forever - the time just couldn't go by fast enough. It feels strange... that this day that I once couldn't wait for, has become a day I wish would never arrive.

Sometime this week, we'll be receiving Gabriel's autopsy results. I don't know what to think or feel about this. I really want answers, but I'm worried that the results will be inconclusive. In my heart, I know it doesn't matter one way or the other. He's gone and no test results will change that fact. But part of me just has to know what went wrong... what exactly was that first domino to fall, that changed my life so drastically.

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day as you all know. I am planning to light candles for all our angel babies -- pink ones for the girls, and blue ones for the boys. I'd like to do something more, but I can't think of anything else to do. If anybody is in the Los Angeles area and wants to join me for this informal candle lighting ceremony, please let me know.

October is also the month of my beautiful friend, Stephanie's due date. I got so very lucky and got partnered up with her for the October Milestone gift exchange. I've never met Stephanie in person, but I have this image of her being a craft goddess. (I, on the other hand, stopped developing my arts & crafts skills somewhere in the 3rd grade.) Nonetheless, I'm doing my absolute best to make her a special craft project and I'm crossing my fingers that it comes out the way I am visualizing it in my head. I can't say more because it's supposed to be a surprise :)

And of course there is Halloween at the end of the month. I wish with all my heart that I had Gabriel here with me, so I could dress him up in a cute costume. (Don't we all?) I saw all of these super cute baby Halloween costumes the other day... I swear the store puts these out just to torture me. In the beginning part of my pregnancy, I was looking forward to doing something special with Gabriel for Halloween, so I feel like I have to do something to celebrate this day. I was thinking to write our babies' names on pumpkin candle holders and then light candles -- I know, I am not creative at all! I am always lighting candles -- honestly, because I can't think of anything else to do. If anyone else likes my pumpkin candle idea, please let me know, so I can be sure to light one for your baby. And if anyone has any non-candle lighting ideas, by all means, please share them!

I don't want to forget to mention that there are a few special angel birthdays this month and once again I will be lighting candles, and posting pictures here.

I hope that this October is a special month for all of us, and that it provides us with a chance to remember all of our little ones.

It will surely be a luminous month for me!

Thank you Forever Our Sweet Pea for Gabriel's October Ribbon.

A Day of Angels

Today is the feast day of the three Holy Archangels, Gabriel, Michael and Raphael. 

According to Scripture, the archangel Gabriel is the messenger angel and he is mentioned in both the Old Testament and the New Testament. He is mentioned by name in some appearances and other times he is thought to be the unnamed angel delivering messages from God. 

In the Old Testament, Gabriel interpreted the vision of the judgement against Israel and announced the coming of a Savior, to the prophet Daniel. (Daniel 8:15-26)

Gabriel is best known for appearing to the Virgin Mary and announcing that she would have a son, conceived by the Holy Spirit and that son was to be called Jesus, and He would be the "Son of the Most High." During the same appearance he also revealed to Mary that her cousin, Elizabeth would have a son as well. (Luke 1: 26-38)

Gabriel may also have been the unnamed angel who appeared to St. Joseph in a dream and explained that Mary would bear a son by the power of the Holy Spirit and that son would be named Immanuel. He instructed Joseph to not be afraid to take Mary as his wife. (Matthew 1:20-24)

Angel Gabriel was the angel who appeared to Zechariah to announce the birth of Jesus' cousin, St. John the Baptist and declared that John would "be great in the sight of God". (Luke 1:10-20)

It is also believed that Gabriel is the angel sent to the shepherds near Bethlehem to proclaim the birth of Jesus Christ. (Luke 2:9-14)

Though not mentioned by name, Gabriel may have been the angel who appeared to Jesus himself, delivering him strength in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before He was to be crucified. (Luke 22:43)

He may also have been the angel who removed the stone from Jesus' tomb. (Matthew 28:2)

Throughout the Bible, we see that Gabriel was God's Holy messenger. For this reason, Archangel Gabriel has been named the patron saint of messengers, communication workers, and postal workers. 

I believe even today that Angel Gabriel is used by God to deliver messages from Heaven. 

Also, because Gabriel is closely associated with conception and birth, it is said that Gabriel watches over unborn babies and gives them the knowledge of Heaven while they're still in the womb. Just before birth, Gabriel touches the baby's upper lip thereby silencing the child and rendering him unable to remember the teachings of Heaven until death. The sign of Gabriel's touch is the cleft above the lip. 

Though it is not written in the Bible, it is nice to believe that Gabriel may have been with our children in the womb, showing them the beauty of Heaven.

If you ever need to know how your child is doing in Heaven, pray to Angel Gabriel to bring you a message from your child.  

If you ever need strength, ask God to send you His Angel Gabriel, the messenger and "strength of God."

And when you need it most, may Gabriel be the bearer of good news!

Mothering

Sometimes I forget that I really am mother. That I had a child here on earth, and that I have a child now in Heaven.

I know I'm a mother. Deep down, I feel like I am.

But there are moments when I see other mamas rocking their crying babies, chasing after their uncontrollable 2 year olds, or trying to manage a herd of kids, when I realize that I don't have a person to console or run after.

My child doesn't cry. He doesn't run. He doesn't need his diaper changed. He doesn't need a bottle in the middle of the night. He doesn't need anything from me anymore.

And isn't the very definition of a mother, a person who provides and cares for a child?

I have a child, but I don't take care of him. I gave birth to a baby, but I didn't take him home with me. I bought a baby blanket, but it's stored in a memory box, instead of wrapped around my baby.

So what does that make me? A mother with a dead baby? A mother with no baby? A crazy woman who tries to mother her baby even though he's not here?

I talk to Gabriel all the time. I pray for him. I write to him. I remember him. I search for him. I talk about him. I touch the angel baby figurine that contains his sacred ashes. I buy things for him. I cry for him. I think about him all the time. I watch the sunset and feel closer to him. I love him.

I know he is in a beautiful place and that he is in the care of God the Father, and that he is happy and that all of his needs have been met.

But I can't help it.

I still want to care for him. I still want to mother him.

I still want him to know that I'm always here for him. That I'll always be his mommy. And that no matter where he is, he'll always be my child.

Finding Them at Angel's Gate

I feel like a lot of my BLM friends are having an especially difficult time recently. I guess it's true that grief comes in strides.

Lately, I have been doing okay, but I am bracing myself for tough times ahead. Gabriel's due date is right around the corner and I am already anxious because I'm anticipating a difficult day.

On October 3rd, the day Gabriel should have been placed in my arms breathing and screaming, I plan on going to the beach near my house to write names in the sand. I love this beach... the waves are calm, the shore is long and the sand is soft. Moreover, I recently found out that the nearby lighthouse at the end of the beach is called the "Angel's Gate Lighthouse."

They say this lighthouse has been built to endure the roughest storms and serves as a guide to traveling ships entering the harbor. 

This comforts me, inexplicably. 

I'm hoping that I can write the names of all of our babies on the shore and have enough time to photograph all of them before the tide washes them away. I think this will be a nice way to bring joy and comfort to us all, and will serve as a symbolic reminder that our babies are never too far from Angel's Gate. 

Prayers for strength and peace for all you BLMs struggling to cope. May you find your little ones at Angel's Gate someday...

If you would like your baby's name drawn in the sand, please make sure his/her name appears on my "Angel Birthdays" list as that is the list I will be bringing with me. 

A Time to Every Purpose Under Heaven

Today is September 19th, 2012.

For the rest of the world, this date is insignificant... just another day.

But for me, this day has many meanings.

It is my son's 2 month birthday... in Heaven.

It is a day that represents how much time has elapsed since my son died.

It is a day that came too soon.

A day that should never have existed, and yet here it is.

Proof that my son is gone.

That he has been gone for 2 whole months.

2 months ago I met my son, held him, fell deeply in love with him, kissed his little toes and ran my fingers over his soft skin.

2 months ago I said good-bye to my son, felt his body leave my arms, and envisioned his soul being returned to his Creator.

Today I'll light a candle for him. I'll go to church and pray for him. I'll sit by his angel urn and whisper to him. I'll cry because I miss him. I'll mourn his loss and celebrate his life.

I'll do all the things that mamas with babies in Heaven do.

Because 2 months ago I became a mother. My baby isn't sleeping in a crib nearby. He's not outgrowing his newborn clothes. He's not rolling over for the first time. He's not here.

I'm a mother of a 2 month old baby. He doesn't sleep, grow or reach milestones.

But he sings, dances and thrives at the feet of his Heavenly Father. The One who gave him life and graced him with eternal glory.

It's been a blessed 2 months for my sweet boy.

And that's all that matters today.

A Special Gift

I'm not sure if everyone knows about Ethan's Flame, so I wanted to write about it. Ethan's Flame is a very special ministry started by BLM, Joy, in honor of her precious son, Ethan.

Joy will make you your own special candle with your baby's name and photo. There is also a very touching poem written on the back. 

I can't emphasize enough how amazing and beautiful this candle is. It is completely hand crafted and personalized. It comes with a flameless candle, and can stay lit all day long. 

I am truly impressed by Joy's talent and generosity! There are not enough words to say just how much this gift means to me. 

Please visit her website, read about Ethan, and request your own special candle. 

(Thanks Joy, from the bottom of my heart!)

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Forever Missed & Loved ~ Ethan Joseph

Pinwheels from Heaven

I wanted to write a post about BLM Shauna's blog/ministry, Pinwheels from Heaven, because what she does is just so incredible! I think her story is so inspiring and her dedication to the BL community is beautiful. I feel blessed to have met Shauna and wanted to share the pictures that she took for Gabriel. I love them and I think everyone can see why. Please visit her blog here when you get a chance, and read about her daughters and her ministry.

Please take a moment to remember Shauna's precious little ones, Janessa and Hope.

A Wonderful Day

Today is a wonderful day.

It's my dad's 60th birthday, a day that our family is truly lucky and blessed to celebrate.

This morning I woke up early and went to the beach so I could take pictures of the beginning of this day. A day that will always mean so much to me.

I wrote Gabriel's name in the wet sand. And thought how perfect this day would be if only he were still here with us.

My due date is not until next month. If Gabriel didn't get sick, I'd still be pregnant... blissfully pregnant. I'd be walking around daydreaming of motherhood. Proud and delighted to be carrying the person who would turn my dad into a grandfather for the first time. I imagined myself picking out a onesie printed with the words "My grandpa loves me!" and buying my dad one of those mugs that says "World's Greatest Grandpa."

But instead, I wrote Gabriel's name in the sand in his memory. In sacred remembrance of his brief life here on earth... all 29 weeks and 1 day of it.

Gabriel will never celebrate his 60th birthday. He'll never be a dad. He'll never cherish a day so much that it warrants waking up at 5 a.m. to watch it begin.

I'm starting to realize that the "Gabriel will never" list is neverending.

More than anything, I wish that I could trade all the rest of my days so that he could just have one. One day to watch the sun rise, to celebrate a beloved birthday, to feel the sand between his toes, to watch pelicans soar above the ocean waves, to laugh and cry, to experience this crazy, extraordinary thing we call life.

Today is a wonderful day.

Hand Made with Love

I finally sent my prayer flag off to Australia for Carly Marie's Remembrance Ceremony at Christian's Beach.

I finished it a few days ago, but have not had the time to go to the post office.

Anyhow, if any of you have not yet made a flag for your child, I really encourage you to do so.

I loved making mine! It took a lot of time, patience and effort, however I really enjoyed making something with my own hands that was special for Gabriel.

My theme (of course) was stars...

If you're interested, here is how I made my prayer flag, though I am certainly not an expert in making any kind of crafts :)

First, I dyed white fabric, a denim blue color and allowed it to soak in warm water to give it a faded, vintage look.

Second, I ironed on a picture of Van Gogh's Starry Night on a small piece of fabric, and stitched it to the top of the flag. 

Next, I covered the flag in stars cut out of yellow fabric, and sewed on star buttons for additional texture.

Then, I sewed on letters that spelled out Gabriel's name, and little angels, in the bottom corner. (I sewed similar angels into the blanket that Gabriel was wrapped in during his cremation, so they have special meaning to me.)

Then, I decorated a separate piece of fabric by gluing on blue stars and sewing on his name and birth date.

Lastly, I sewed the front piece to the back piece.

It didn't turn out exactly as I wanted (I'm not very crafty by nature), but overall I'm happy to say that it was made with love and with my baby Gabriel in mind. I think overall it probably took me about 1 hour of planning and shopping and another 4 hours to construct the flag from start to finish. Most of the time spent was sewing since I did everything with a needle and thread by hand. I'm sure I could have saved a lot of time by using a sewing machine, but I really felt like taking the time to make each stitch carefully with my hands.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to make this prayer flag in my son's memory. It was so healing! And it's so nice to know that it will be hung out on the beach and that its message will carried by the winds.

My prayer for Gabriel is that he is surrounded by God's glorious light in Heaven.

The only other thing I could ever ask for, is for God to show me mercy, by allowing me to join him there one day.

Stillbirth Remembrance Day 2012

In the United States, today, September 6th, is Stillbirth Remembrance Day.

I am lighting a candle today for our baby Gabriel who was stillborn and for all other babies who came into this world silently. 

My heart is with you today little ones. 

...Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

~Luke 12:6 

For more information about this special day, click here.

A Prayer for All Our Children

In the days and even weeks to follow Gabriel's death, I was too busy taking care of myself and my husband to think past our little home.

But now, nearly 7 weeks later, I am realizing more and more everyday that we are not alone. There are so many others who feel our pain, who feel our loss, who know what it feels like to live life with never ending heart ache.

Doesn't it just feel relentless at times?

I wish at least a hundred times everyday, that I wasn't a part of this. I wish that I was still that young girl who believed that bad things happened to other people... way way way over there (not here in "saved by the statistics land"). Instead, I feel like I have aged into a wise old woman overnight.

Ignorance and bliss have sailed out of my life, for good.

But I do feel grateful for so many things... for all the lessons I have learned, for the friends I have made, for the growth in my relationship with God, for the support that I have found, for the beauty that remains behind, for the sacred moment in time I had with Gabriel.

In the end, I know I'll be a better person. If not from the lessons, then for my son. I think he has saved me in so many ways. I want to move towards Heaven through my day-to-day life here on earth. I want to grow towards God, so that I can be with Him and Gabriel one day, and so that when that day comes, my son will be proud of me. I desperately want to find the meaning my life was destined to have.

I just know that other BL mommies must feel the same way. And how my heart hurts for all of them, all of you.

I thought it would be nice to say a prayer for our children. I've been meaning to write one for awhile and since I've been reflecting on God and the BL community recently, I thought today would be the right time.

For all of our angel babies...

Father, 
Your children here on earth feel such longing for their babies up in Heaven.
There are so few comforts that can ease their pain.
Some need strength, some need faith, some need understanding.
But what every parent wants most, is the knowledge that their child is leading the happiest and fullest life possible. 
I pray that all babies who have left their mother's arms for your Glory, have found eternal life at your feet.
I pray that they are in a place safe from pain and fear.
I pray that they know your Heavenly love, as well as, the love that fills their parents' hearts.
Lord, give them everything they need and deprive them of nothing they could ever want.
Provide them with an abundance of compassion, joy, and warmth.
May their laughter fill every corner of your Heavenly home.
May their lives be touched by radiant beauty and the everlasting peace that only You can provide.
And may their spirits continually send us messages of hope for an eternal future together. 
Amen.