A New Tradition

Starting the month after Gabriel died, for one year, my husband and I released balloons on or around the 19th of every month as a way to celebrate Gabriel's one month birthdays. Releasing balloons became something of a monthly tradition that helped us to remember Gabriel in a meaningful way and it also became a source of healing. Honestly, I'm not sure why I found it so therapeutic. I suppose it was partially the time and work that went into buying the balloons and driving to a nice place to release them. I think it just felt good to physically do something once a month that revolved around Gabriel. It was a brief pause each month from normal life that allowed us both to do something to parent our child together, to keep him alive in our hearts and to make sure he was remembered on his special day. And for awhile it felt really important and necessary.

But now that the first year is over and I'm in a new place in my grief journey, I feel that monthly balloon releases probably won't be as healing and meaningful as they originally were. I mostly associate balloon releases with the weeks that followed Gabriel's death when they gave us an outlet to grieve at a time in our lives when we were lost and hopeless. Since that time, I've worked really hard to grow and progress on this journey and I hope that I can continue moving forward. I also feel like the guilt of harming the environment and potentially hurting or killing wild animals overshadows any healing I would experience. I just don't want to cause any further destruction or suffering on our planet especially after a year of learning to appreciate and finding joy in nature.

Therefore, as we move forward into our second year without Gabriel, I wanted to start a new tradition that would better reflect where I am now. So instead of monthly balloon releases, my husband and I decided that each month on or close to the 19th, we're going to go to the beach and watch the sunset together. I think this tradition will continue to help us heal and will give us a chance to remember Gabriel and honor his life in a peaceful and meaningful way that doesn't entail polluting the earth.

Last night we started this new tradition by celebrating Gabriel's 14 month birthday at the beach. It was a warm summer evening and the sunset could not have been more gorgeous. We lit candles and wrote his name in the sand and watched the birds flying over the sea. It was all so lovely, like the start of something new and wonderful.

Italy Vacation Photo Journal

For those of you wondering how our vacation went, it wasn't nearly as bad (or sad) as I was expecting it to be.

The weather was freezing, but also very sunny and surprisingly there was no wind or snow, which is unusual especially during winter.

We were very busy the entire time as this trip was only 1 week long. We spent most of the time with family and friends in Genova, but one day we were able to go to Cinqueterre which was beautiful. Of course, the entire time I missed Gabriel and everywhere there were things that reminded me of him. I often found myself wishing he could have been there with us, but it made me feel better to do nice things to remember him.


Here is a photo journal of our vacation (specifically the parts that included Gabriel)... I apologize for the length but I'm kind of a picture fanatic.

Genova, Italy
December 6 - December 12, 2012

THURSDAY:

We arrived in Milan after 16 hours of traveling! (I've taken this trip so many times and it never gets any easier)

For fun, we drove to Como and were planning to spend the day there, but since we couldn't find anywhere to eat that was open and it was freezing, we ended up just walking around for about an hour.

Before we left, we wanted to write Gabriel's name some way. There were tons of autumn leaves on the ground so we decided to write his name on a leaf and then drop it into the lake. I really like to do things that symbolize that he has returned to the earth.

Then we went for a walk around the park and I just happened to notice a corner of the lake (Lake Como) where the water had receded, uncovering a small patch of sand. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited that I ran to find a stick so I could write Gabriel's name in the sand. (I'm a little obsessed with writing his name in the sand.)

FRIDAY:

We spent the day relaxing with Corrado's parents as we slowly acclimated to the time difference. We went downtown for some quick shopping and while there, we decided to go to San Lorenzo Cathedral and light a candle for Gabriel.

SATURDAY:

We had a small party with close friends and family in honor of Gabriel. It was held at a restaurant on the sea and everyone we invited came, so we ended up with a pretty big group of people. We had a "family style" lunch and for dessert we shared a cake that we made and also one that we bought (ours didn't turn out that great, so we brought a back-up.)

Gabriel's grandparents had the bakery write his name on top of a Sacher cake. It was really beautiful. Unfortunately I didn't take a very good picture.

After lunch, we gathered outside on the beach for a balloon release. We spelled out Gabriel's name using 7 balloons and a different person held each letter. It was so special to do something as a group to remember Gabriel. I'm so touched that everyone wanted to participate.

After taking a few photos, we released the balloons along with several others.

It was such a sweet surprise to see them drift out over the sea. Usually there is a strong wind that comes from the sea (and by usually, I mean always), but that afternoon it was so calm and the balloons were able to float freely over the water.

After everyone left, we stayed to watch the sunset. It had been such a gorgeous sunny day and watching the sunset was the perfect way to end the day.

SUNDAY:

We took the train to Cinqueterre. As soon as we got off the train in Monterosso, we crossed the street and unexpectedly discovered this beautiful beach.

We weren't planning to write names in the sand at this beach (originally we were going to go to Santa Margherita), but we figured it would be difficult to find a beach as perfect as this one, so we spent the next 30 minutes writing names in the sand.

It was such a lovely sunny day and the sea was so calm, I can't help but believe that Gabriel was there with us.

I really wish we could have written more names, but since we weren't planning on writing names at all, we were limited by time. Now that we know about this beach, I'd love to go back during our next trip and write more names.

After spending a couple hours in Monterosso, we took the train to the next town, Vernazza, which is my favorite of the 5 Cinqueterre towns. Isn't it beautiful?

We accidentally ended up climbing up to Castle Doria which was lucky for us. From Castle Doria (located at the top of the cliff), you can see the entire coast of Cinqueterre and the view of the sea is endless.

We thought that watching the sunset from up there would be gorgeous, but decided instead to go down to the beach.  Like most of the beaches in this part of Italy, it was covered in rocks (as you can see above).

We gathered a few white rocks and spelled out Gabriel's name and photographed it just as the sun was setting.

MONDAY:

We went to the cemetery to visit Corrado's grandfather, great-grandmother and high school friend. It took us awhile as the cemetery is huge (a little more than a square kilometer).

As we were walking around, we stumbled across the baby section. It was so heartbreaking to see the headstones of so many babies, especially the matching headstones of triplet babies who had just recently grew their angel wings. I imagined their parents coming to the cemetery to bury their 3 babies and I realized how deeply I knew that pain. As a BLM, it's impossible to not ache for all of the other babyloss parents out there missing their precious children.

Saying a special prayer for all the sweet angels buried at Cimitero monumentale di Staglieno.

TUESDAY:

We went to the local church near Corrado's parents' house in Genova. Inside, there is this beautiful altar and church members can light candles and leave small pictures of their deceased loved ones.

After Gabriel died, Corrado's parents added a photo of him next to the photo of Corrado's maternal grandfather. It's such a precious reminder that they are together in Heaven.

Before we left, we lit a small candle for Gabriel and his great-grandfather.

Then we walked down to the shore to see the sunset and since the sea was calm, we wrote Gabriel's name in the sand. (See, I'm obsessed!)

WEDNESDAY (our last day):

We spent our last evening in Genova at the beach. We thought it would be nice to write baby names on sea stones and photograph them at sunset. Again, I wish we could have written more names, but unfortunately it took awhile to photograph each name and before we knew it 2 hours had passed and the sun was gone.

We didn't have time to photograph Gabriel's sea stone, so I'm just going to share a couple pictures of the sunset.

We left all the stones on the shore as the tide was rising so that within a few hours they would be taken by the sea. 

Afterthoughts:Though I was anxious to go on this trip, I'm happy we went. This vacation made me realize how easy it is to find Gabriel in the beauty of the world. I think of him whenever I witness a glorious sunset, whenever a balloon floats up to the sky, and whenever the waves of the sea roar and calm. It doesn't matter where I am in the world, somehow, we always manage to find each other.<3 Gabriel <3

Capture Your Grief, Day 31: Sunset

Today is October 31, and the last day of Capture Your Grief. I can't believe it's over already! Even more unbelievable is that I posted pictures for each of the 31 days. Of course, Gabriel was my motivation. I feel like this project gave me something to do for him. It gave me those few minutes everyday to be closer to him, to think just about him and nothing else.

It has been surprisingly healing to go on this photo journey over the past 31 days. It's been challenging and inspirational, as well.

Thank you to everyone who participated along with me and who took the time to read my posts and view my pictures.

One last photo.

One final moment of grief captured.

         ~ Every sunset brings me one day closer to you ~