Feeling happy... even though life is always bittersweet.
Feeling strong... even though my heart is still broken.
Feeling hopeful... even though the future is terrifyingly uncertain.
Feeling grateful... even though I have lost so much.
Feeling brave... even though my soul is filled with fear.
Feeling optimistic... even though remaining positive can be exhausting at times.
Feeling at peace... even though worrisome thoughts swirl around in my mind.
Feeling blessed... even though I am constantly fighting jealousy and bitterness.
Feeling restored... even though part of me is more fragile than ever.
Feeling triumphant... even though I still have a long way to go.
Feeling mended... even though the journey to healing is long and bumpy.
Making progress... even though this grief is never-ever-ending.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
My Stance on the Ribbon Petition
I haven't found an official story online, but it appears that the breast cancer community is considering changing their ribbon color from pink to pink and blue to include men. There is a petition circulating around Facebook to ban the use of pink and blue awareness ribbons by the Breast Cancer community. Supporters of the petition feel that Breast Cancer Awareness overshadows P.A.I.L. Awareness (both are officially recognized in October) and that sharing a ribbon color will only make it worse.
While I completely and wholeheartedly understand that many of us in the babyloss community feel like we do not get the attention that other communities get, I don't really see how colors of a ribbon will make any difference. In my opinion, the reason why it's so difficult to raise P.A.I.L. Awareness has nothing to do with the fact that our ribbon colors are pink and blue or that we share October with Breast Cancer Awareness.
The unfortunate reality is that the loss of a baby is a topic that most people feel uncomfortable talking about. On top of that, it's difficult for people to understand or sympathize if they have not experienced the loss of a baby. Many people don't feel like they are supposed to talk about babyloss, not because they are cruel or insensitive, but because they don't believe it's an appropriate topic of conversation. None of this is the fault of the breast cancer community.
I've never had cancer, but I know that I don't ever want it. I know that it destroys lives and I know that it kills way too many people every year. I also know that funding for cancer research has saved countless lives and that it may one day save my life or the life of someone I care about. I read recently that 50% of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point during their lives. With research and treatment, many of those people will survive and one day in the future there may even be a cure for this terrible disease. Breast Cancer Awareness campaigns raise millions of dollars every year. The money is being used to find that cure.
I think it would be an incredible gesture of kindness and acceptance to change the Breast Cancer Awareness ribbon color to make men feel more included. I also think it would help save lives. There are many men out there who don't get screened for breast cancer or don't think much of a small lump in their chest because they don't know that they are also at risk of getting breast cancer. Over 2000 men are diagnosed with breast cancer every year in the United States. I know that doesn't compare to 26,000 stillbirths or 600,000 miscarriages but just like men are often overlooked in the babyloss community, I can see why they may feel left out in the breast cancer community.
Before signing the petition, please consider how hurtful it would be if something similar happened to us. What if the babyloss community decided to change our ribbon color in order to include those who feel left out and another community distributed a petition that made us seem like we were doing something wrong? Wouldn't that feel like they were being insensitive or naive? Wouldn't that make us hurt more than we already do? Wouldn't we feel like telling them to mind their own business? Wouldn't we think, what's the big deal? It's just a ribbon color.
I'm sorry if any of you feel upset by my opinion of this matter. I don't ever want to cause anyone additional grief. If you want to sign the petition because you feel strongly about P.A.I.L. Awareness ribbon colors and if you think it will make you feel better, then by all means I think you should. Truly, I do. Everyone grieves differently and I think everyone should do what feels healing to them.
But just keep in mind that you don't need a ribbon or a color or even a community to spread P.A.I.L. Awareness. You can do so every single day in little ways. You can share you baby's story with others. Speak her name. Include him in your daily life. Donate to charity in her name. Take the time to educate someone else on babyloss. Support films and organizations whose missions are to raise P.A.I.L. awareness. Participate in a Walk to Remember. Perform random acts of kindness in memory of your child. Do what you can to eliminate the taboo of babyloss. Focus your time and energy on keeping your child's memory alive in your heart and the hearts of others. And remember that just as you miss your baby, someone else misses their loved one lost to breast cancer.
While I completely and wholeheartedly understand that many of us in the babyloss community feel like we do not get the attention that other communities get, I don't really see how colors of a ribbon will make any difference. In my opinion, the reason why it's so difficult to raise P.A.I.L. Awareness has nothing to do with the fact that our ribbon colors are pink and blue or that we share October with Breast Cancer Awareness.
The unfortunate reality is that the loss of a baby is a topic that most people feel uncomfortable talking about. On top of that, it's difficult for people to understand or sympathize if they have not experienced the loss of a baby. Many people don't feel like they are supposed to talk about babyloss, not because they are cruel or insensitive, but because they don't believe it's an appropriate topic of conversation. None of this is the fault of the breast cancer community.
I've never had cancer, but I know that I don't ever want it. I know that it destroys lives and I know that it kills way too many people every year. I also know that funding for cancer research has saved countless lives and that it may one day save my life or the life of someone I care about. I read recently that 50% of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point during their lives. With research and treatment, many of those people will survive and one day in the future there may even be a cure for this terrible disease. Breast Cancer Awareness campaigns raise millions of dollars every year. The money is being used to find that cure.
I think it would be an incredible gesture of kindness and acceptance to change the Breast Cancer Awareness ribbon color to make men feel more included. I also think it would help save lives. There are many men out there who don't get screened for breast cancer or don't think much of a small lump in their chest because they don't know that they are also at risk of getting breast cancer. Over 2000 men are diagnosed with breast cancer every year in the United States. I know that doesn't compare to 26,000 stillbirths or 600,000 miscarriages but just like men are often overlooked in the babyloss community, I can see why they may feel left out in the breast cancer community.
Before signing the petition, please consider how hurtful it would be if something similar happened to us. What if the babyloss community decided to change our ribbon color in order to include those who feel left out and another community distributed a petition that made us seem like we were doing something wrong? Wouldn't that feel like they were being insensitive or naive? Wouldn't that make us hurt more than we already do? Wouldn't we feel like telling them to mind their own business? Wouldn't we think, what's the big deal? It's just a ribbon color.
I'm sorry if any of you feel upset by my opinion of this matter. I don't ever want to cause anyone additional grief. If you want to sign the petition because you feel strongly about P.A.I.L. Awareness ribbon colors and if you think it will make you feel better, then by all means I think you should. Truly, I do. Everyone grieves differently and I think everyone should do what feels healing to them.
But just keep in mind that you don't need a ribbon or a color or even a community to spread P.A.I.L. Awareness. You can do so every single day in little ways. You can share you baby's story with others. Speak her name. Include him in your daily life. Donate to charity in her name. Take the time to educate someone else on babyloss. Support films and organizations whose missions are to raise P.A.I.L. awareness. Participate in a Walk to Remember. Perform random acts of kindness in memory of your child. Do what you can to eliminate the taboo of babyloss. Focus your time and energy on keeping your child's memory alive in your heart and the hearts of others. And remember that just as you miss your baby, someone else misses their loved one lost to breast cancer.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
The One Year Anniversary of His Due Date
Today is one of those days that I'm not sure how I should be feeling. It's not his birthday. It's not a day that I expect anyone to remember. It's not a day in which anything significant occurred. In actuality, it's just an estimate of when he would have been born had he gestated for exactly 40 weeks.
But still it's one of those days that will always mean something to me. It will always represent what could have been if things had gone the way I wanted them to. More than that, it will always be the anniversary of the day I looked forward to for several months. The day that promised me a child and the beginning of a beautiful new life.
Part of me feels sad because that day never came. Because everything was perfect and then something changed and that day was erased from my life. But part of me feels like I should take joy from what that day represented. Because it had the potential to be the best day of my life.
Irregardless of the meaning of today, whatever that may end up being, for now it is simply a date that I associate with Gabriel. For many weeks I counted down to October 3, 2012 as I anxiously awaited the birth of our baby. I remember when it felt so far away, so unattainable. I remember thinking that time was moving at an unbearably slow pace. How strange that now it feels like an entire lifetime ago.
I suppose that's partially why acknowledging these anniversaries feels necessary. Anniversaries place little bookmarks on the important moments in our lives so that when we flip through the pages of our past, we know exactly where to turn first. They highlight the significant moments, the days we want to remember over and over again. Some days are marked for the events that took place during them. And others, for what never did.
But still it's one of those days that will always mean something to me. It will always represent what could have been if things had gone the way I wanted them to. More than that, it will always be the anniversary of the day I looked forward to for several months. The day that promised me a child and the beginning of a beautiful new life.
Part of me feels sad because that day never came. Because everything was perfect and then something changed and that day was erased from my life. But part of me feels like I should take joy from what that day represented. Because it had the potential to be the best day of my life.
Irregardless of the meaning of today, whatever that may end up being, for now it is simply a date that I associate with Gabriel. For many weeks I counted down to October 3, 2012 as I anxiously awaited the birth of our baby. I remember when it felt so far away, so unattainable. I remember thinking that time was moving at an unbearably slow pace. How strange that now it feels like an entire lifetime ago.
I suppose that's partially why acknowledging these anniversaries feels necessary. Anniversaries place little bookmarks on the important moments in our lives so that when we flip through the pages of our past, we know exactly where to turn first. They highlight the significant moments, the days we want to remember over and over again. Some days are marked for the events that took place during them. And others, for what never did.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)