Capture Your Grief, Day 29: Music

I wasn't able to pick just one song for today, so I'm sharing the playlist of songs I made for Gabriel. All of these songs remind me of him for different reasons. If you're interested in the meaning behind this playlist, there's more about each song below. Otherwise, feel free to scroll down to listen to the songs!

Touch the Sky is from the movie, Brave. This was the last movie we saw at the theater while I was pregnant. Gabriel was so active when we saw movies that we were worried the loud noises bothered him. We couldn't help but laugh because it was so cute how he squirmed and kicked nonstop.

Kiss the Rain is one of my husband's favorite songs. After we found out that Gabriel lost his amniotic fluid because he wasn't able to pee, we started playing him this song by putting big headphones on my belly. We thought maybe the sound of the waterfall would make him feel like peeing. This song reminds me of all the hope we had during those ten weeks. Every time we went for another ultrasound appointment, we thought there would be an improvement. We were always so hopeful on the way there, and so heartbroken on the way home.

I've always loved Imagine by John Lennon. When I was pregnant, I played this song for Gabriel and cried as I listened to the lyrics, I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Shout to the Lord is another song I used to play for Gabriel when I was pregnant. Looking back there are so many songs I wish Gabriel had the chance to hear. It's the little things, like listening to music that Gabriel will never do here on earth, that make me the saddest. For some reason, when I was pregnant I could never think of any songs to play for him. I remember one day I thought to play him this song. No clue why, but I'm happy I did. I have a lot of regrets, but the one thing I'm so thankful I did was to introduce him to God.

Shortly after Gabriel died, I started listening to I Will Carry You, by Selah. I listened to it over and over again wishing Gabriel was still with us so I could play it for him. This song will always be a reminder of those early days of raw pain and overwhelming grief.

I'm not sure when I started associating Gabriel with stars and light, but now, whenever I see a star I think of him. I love the song Starchild so much that I used it for his slideshow video. I also love the Twinkle Lullaby by the Piano Guys which is such a beautiful version of the classic children's song.

A couple weeks after Gabriel died, I was driving and heard Elton John's, Your Song on the radio. It made me think of Gabriel and now whenever I hear it, it reminds me of him. This song makes me wish I had been a musician so I could have written a song just for Gabriel. I recently found this version by Ellie Goulding which I like because it changes the lyrics from man to girl.

My Angel Gabriel, by Lamb is so far, the only song I have found with his name. It reminds me not just of my Gabriel, but also of the Archangel Gabriel who I know is very close to my son. My favorite line is, I can shine even in the darkness, because it reminds me that the light of Gabriel's beautiful and wondrous life will always outshine the darkness of his death.

Recently I came across the song, A Hundred Thousand Angels by Bliss. To me, it sounds Heavenly and I imagine if there is music in Heaven it must sound like this. I also love the image of a hundred thousand angels watching over our children. The lyrics are incredibly beautiful. You can read them here.

The last song, Lord When You Came to the Seashore, is one that I heard at a church a few weeks ago. It reminded me of Gabriel since I associate him with the beach. The lyrics, All I treasured, I have left on the sand there, made me think of when I write Gabriel's name in the sand.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Capture Your Grief, Days 20 & 21: Charity/Organization & Sacred Space

The organization that has really helped us is Faith's Lodge. You can read my post HERE.

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The sacred space we have set aside in memory of Gabriel is in our home.

We keep his ashes and special items on a table in our bedroom. So far the space is small so I have to change it often. I'm constantly removing things and replacing them with new items.

This is a picture from this morning. Currently, there is a vase with fall flowers, his star candle, another star bowl filled with seashells from the beach (the ones in my header photo), a small angel figurine holding stars, a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus, our heart shaped rocks, and a couple other special items.

We're hoping that one day we can create a much larger space and also frame some of his pictures and hang them on the wall.

Capture Your Grief, Days 10 & 11: Symbol and Supportive Friends & Family

It doesn't take much for me to be reminded of Gabriel. I think about him all the time. I don't really have any symbols for him, but I suppose that stars could be his symbol, since they are the "twinkles of light" that this blog is named after. I consider Gabriel to be the light of my life - the twinkle shining bright amidst all the darkness.

a star taken by the sea

I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful circle of support surrounding me. My husband has endured this loss with me and he helps me to keep Gabriel's memory alive. Our parents have helped us and have always been supportive. My girlfriends have all been so understanding and have listened to Gabriel's story with compassionate hearts. I think some of the greatest support has come from the BLMs I have never met in person. I know so little about them except that they have lost babies and their hearts are filled with love, yet I find in them a kindness I have never known before.

a card from my girlfriends -- they all chipped in and donated $100 to charity in Gabriel's name

Twinkle of Light

A few days after Gabriel died, I came across a picture taken of outer space by a NASA satellite. It occurred to me that the majority of the stars in the universe are no longer alive, but in fact they burned out thousands or millions of years ago. What we see here on earth is a remnant of a bright star that no longer exists. That twinkle in the night sky is merely a reminder that a star once burned gloriously, evidence of a once radiant and energetic life. But because that star's life was once so bright, its light continues to shine millions of years later. 

And I realized, that is what Gabriel is to me now. He is a beautiful twinkle of light shining brightly amongst all the darkness. His light which I hold in my heart, is proof that he once existed here on earth, and that the brightness of his life will radiate long after his death. Though his star no longer burns, I can still see him, I can feel his presence, and enjoy his warm light. I can gaze into that shadow of darkness that represents his death, and find the twinkle of light he left behind. Gabriel is not just a memory, nor a figment of a life... he is a constant force here on earth, a stream of never-ending light.

I like to believe that every time a child dies, God adds another star to the night sky. And that somewhere among the billions of twinkles, lies a special flickering glow that represents Gabriel, and another one that represents your baby. Though logic and science don't agree with this theory, it's nice to imagine our babies somewhere out there, forever adding light to the darkness.