Waiting in the Wind

There are moments when I sense that he is still here.

I can't see him, but I can feel that he is close. I feel the breeze on my neck, hear it whooshing past my face, and I can't help but wonder if this is his way of communicating with me. His way of staying close to me.

Is he trying to tell me that he's okay? That he's still alive.

That his spirit is all around me. That his soul is immortal. That he is part of every breath I take.

Or is it just the wind? The same wind that even mothers who have never lost a baby can feel.

Sometimes I wonder how much of the mystery of heaven is truth, how much is faith and how much is grief trapping me in denial for my own sanity. How much of his presence is my subconscious mind, unable to ever let him go.

This is why I question my own faith. Because I don't know if I have faith because I believe or because I need to believe. Because I am desperate beyond rationality.

I don't know if I feel him in the wind, see him in the glow of the sunset, hear him in the crashing waves because he is always on my mind, because it is I who is seeking a glimpse of him.

Or because it is him who has come back to find me. Is heaven perhaps not a palace in the sky, but rather the freedom to fly in the wind that brushes against those who need you most.

Though the truth is a mystery never to be solved, I like to think that I feel him close by during certain moments because he is with me.

Because it's hard to accept that someone who is so loved could ever die.

Because it's so much sweeter to imagine that he never really left.

Because maybe he's not lost.

Maybe he's just waiting in the wind.

His New Life

Sometimes, when I think about Gabriel's soul in Heaven, I reminisce about my years spent at college and I like to imagine that Gabriel is so happy and too busy living a new adventure, to miss us here on earth. 

During my first few weeks at college, I remember feeling so excited to be on my own. The possibilities were endless... an adventure in its earliest stages anxious to be unfolded further. College was a new life for me, and I couldn't wait to live it. To me, it was the sweet taste of freedom and independence and the opportunity to become anyone I wanted to be.

I didn't realize it then, but looking back, I'm sure my parents missed seeing me everyday, (though they often teased that they were happy to have me out of the house). It didn't really occur to me back then, but now I wonder how many times my mom worried about me whenever I took a few days too long to return her phone calls. Even though I was perfectly okay, I'm sure it was hard for my parents to go weeks without seeing me, if only because they needed reassurance that I was eating enough and hadn't done anything stupid like dye my hair pink or break my arm. 

But like most teenagers, other people weren't my biggest concern. I loved my parents, but returning their phone calls and making regular trips home wasn't on the top of my priorities list. I wanted to hang out with my friends, make new ones, stay up til 2 in the morning and eat Lucky Charms for dinner. It's not that I didn't love my parents, and it's not that I forgot about them or stopped appreciating all they had done for me. It's just simply, how do you miss your old life when your current life feels perfectly complete and is just so much better?

I wish more than anything that I could worry about Gabriel going off to college and miss him while he's just a few hundred miles away. But since he can't be here, I like to imagine that he is up in Heaven fully enjoying his new life, making new friends, dancing, laughing, playing, and running around without a care in the world. That he's so busy having fun that he doesn't even have the chance to ponder whether he misses us here on earth. But in the same way that I loved my parents despite the separation, despite the joy I was experiencing, I hope that he too loves us. I hope he has the understanding of where he came from and that he knows that I love him unconditionally. I hope in some small way he remembers his brief life inside my womb and I hope the bond we formed is a memory he treasures. But I also hope that he, like every child off on a new adventure, is so enthralled and happy that he's incapable of longing for anything except for more of the incredible life he has in Heaven.

Do you believe in MOM?

One of my friends posted this little apologue on Facebook the other day and I wanted to share it with those of you who have never read it.

I've copied the original version for those of you who can read Italian, and I've also translated it in English below...

Nel ventre di una donna incinta si trovavano due bebè. Uno di loro chiese all'altro:
- Tu credi nella vita dopo il parto?
- Certo. Qualcosa deve esserci dopo il parto. Forse siamo qui per prepararci per quello saremo più tardi.
- Sciocchezze! Non c'è una vita dopo il parto. Come sarebbe quella vita?
- Non lo so, ma sicuramente... ci sarà più luce che qua. Magari cammineremo con le nostre
gambe e ci ciberemo dalla bocca.
- Ma è assurdo! Camminare è impossibile. E mangiare dalla bocca? Ridicolo! Il cordone ombelicale è la via d'alimentazione... Ti dico una cosa: la vita dopo il parto è da escludere. Il cordone ombelicale è troppo corto.
- Invece io credo che debba esserci qualcosa. E forse sarà diverso da quello cui siamo abituati ad avere qui.
- Però nessuno è tornato dall'aldilà, dopo il parto. Il parto è la fine della vita. E in fin dei conti, la vita non è altro che un'angosciante esistenza nel buio che ci porta al nulla.
- Beh, io non so esattamente come sarà dopo il parto, ma sicuramente vedremo la MAMMA e lei si prenderà cura di noi.
- MAMMA? Tu credi nella MAMMA? E dove credi che sia lei ora?
- Dove? Tutto intorno a noi! E' in lei e grazie a lei che viviamo. Senza di lei tutto questo mondo non esisterebbe.
- Eppure io non ci credo! Non ho mai visto la MAMMA, per cui, è logico che non esista.
- Ok, ma a volte, quando siamo in silenzio, si riesce a sentirla o percepire come accarezza il nostro mondo. Sai?... Io penso che ci sia una vita reale che ci aspetta e che ora soltanto stiamo preparandoci per essa...


In the belly of a pregnant woman, there were two babies. One of them asked the other:
-Do you believe in life after birth?
-Of course. Something must be after birth. Maybe we're here to prepare for what will occur later.
-Nonsense! There is no life after birth. What would that life be like?
-I don't know, but certainly, there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and will eat with our mouths.
-But that's absurd! Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord is the way to eat... I'll tell you one thing... life after birth is out of the question. The umbilical cord is too short.
-Instead I believe there has to be something. And maybe it will be different from what we're used to in here.
-But no one has ever returned from the afterlife, after being born. Birth is the end of life. And ultimately, life is nothing but a distressing existence in the dark that leads us nowhere.
-Well, I don't know exactly how it will be after birth, but surely we'll see MOM and she will take care of us.
-MOM? You believe in MOM? And where do you believe that she is now?
-Where? All around us! We're inside her and it's thanks to her that we're alive. Without her, this whole world would not exist.
-I still don't believe it! I've never seen MOM, so it only makes sense that she doesn't exist.
-Okay, but sometimes, when we're silent, you can hear her or feel that she is caressing our world. You know?... I think there is a real life that awaits us, and that we are only now preparing for it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This analogy of birth and death reminds me that even though we can't see God or even begin to understand what Heaven is like, that doesn't mean They don't exist. Of course nobody knows for sure, but I like to imagine that God is out there somewhere laughing to Himself when we say things like, "Where is God? I don't see Him so how can He exist?" and that are children are in Heaven patiently and joyfully awaiting our "births."

Capture Your Grief, Day 29: Music

I wasn't able to pick just one song for today, so I'm sharing the playlist of songs I made for Gabriel. All of these songs remind me of him for different reasons. If you're interested in the meaning behind this playlist, there's more about each song below. Otherwise, feel free to scroll down to listen to the songs!

Touch the Sky is from the movie, Brave. This was the last movie we saw at the theater while I was pregnant. Gabriel was so active when we saw movies that we were worried the loud noises bothered him. We couldn't help but laugh because it was so cute how he squirmed and kicked nonstop.

Kiss the Rain is one of my husband's favorite songs. After we found out that Gabriel lost his amniotic fluid because he wasn't able to pee, we started playing him this song by putting big headphones on my belly. We thought maybe the sound of the waterfall would make him feel like peeing. This song reminds me of all the hope we had during those ten weeks. Every time we went for another ultrasound appointment, we thought there would be an improvement. We were always so hopeful on the way there, and so heartbroken on the way home.

I've always loved Imagine by John Lennon. When I was pregnant, I played this song for Gabriel and cried as I listened to the lyrics, I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Shout to the Lord is another song I used to play for Gabriel when I was pregnant. Looking back there are so many songs I wish Gabriel had the chance to hear. It's the little things, like listening to music that Gabriel will never do here on earth, that make me the saddest. For some reason, when I was pregnant I could never think of any songs to play for him. I remember one day I thought to play him this song. No clue why, but I'm happy I did. I have a lot of regrets, but the one thing I'm so thankful I did was to introduce him to God.

Shortly after Gabriel died, I started listening to I Will Carry You, by Selah. I listened to it over and over again wishing Gabriel was still with us so I could play it for him. This song will always be a reminder of those early days of raw pain and overwhelming grief.

I'm not sure when I started associating Gabriel with stars and light, but now, whenever I see a star I think of him. I love the song Starchild so much that I used it for his slideshow video. I also love the Twinkle Lullaby by the Piano Guys which is such a beautiful version of the classic children's song.

A couple weeks after Gabriel died, I was driving and heard Elton John's, Your Song on the radio. It made me think of Gabriel and now whenever I hear it, it reminds me of him. This song makes me wish I had been a musician so I could have written a song just for Gabriel. I recently found this version by Ellie Goulding which I like because it changes the lyrics from man to girl.

My Angel Gabriel, by Lamb is so far, the only song I have found with his name. It reminds me not just of my Gabriel, but also of the Archangel Gabriel who I know is very close to my son. My favorite line is, I can shine even in the darkness, because it reminds me that the light of Gabriel's beautiful and wondrous life will always outshine the darkness of his death.

Recently I came across the song, A Hundred Thousand Angels by Bliss. To me, it sounds Heavenly and I imagine if there is music in Heaven it must sound like this. I also love the image of a hundred thousand angels watching over our children. The lyrics are incredibly beautiful. You can read them here.

The last song, Lord When You Came to the Seashore, is one that I heard at a church a few weeks ago. It reminded me of Gabriel since I associate him with the beach. The lyrics, All I treasured, I have left on the sand there, made me think of when I write Gabriel's name in the sand.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Capture Your Grief, Day 19: Projects

I've made a few things in memory of Gabriel, but definitely the most intricate and time-consuming was the prayer flag I made for Carly Marie's October 15th Prayer Flag Ceremony. I made this 6 weeks after Gabriel died and it definitely helped me to start healing.

My prayer for Gabriel is that he has found peace and light in Heaven with Jesus. I take comfort in knowing he is safe and that one day I will be with him again.

I was also inspired by Gabriel and other BLMs to start a project to help others in the babyloss community. Shortly after Gabriel died I went to a local botanical garden. I found this purple flower and picked it and for some reason I associated it with Gabriel. It was so beautiful, fragile and full of life. It comforted me to have a tangible reminder of Gabriel, so now once a month I return to this garden and pick flowers for other babyloss parents.You can read more about Gabriel's Garden HERE.

Capture Your Grief, Days 12 & 13: Scents & Signs

One of my biggest regrets is not bringing a special lotion or a candle or something with a scent to the hospital when I gave birth to Gabriel. I would love to associate his birth date with the fragrance of vanilla or jasmine or baby lotion. 

The only scent that I can link to Gabriel is the scent of the shirt that the nurse dressed him in after giving him a bath. I don't know what the scent is -- I'm guessing it's the soap they used to bathe him or the soap they used to wash the shirt. The scent is still so strong and I hope it never ever goes away. I leave his shirt and blanket in this memory box and always keep it closed. I'm hoping that even in 10 years, the scent will remain. It's incredible how this unique scent can bring me right back to that day -- every time I hold his shirt close to my face, I remember exactly what it felt like to breathe him in while holding him in my arms.

 

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I've only received two signs from Gabriel that I believe in my heart are true. I don't know if they were sent by God, an angel, or by Gabriel himself. But I do believe they were a sign from Heaven that Gabriel's spirit is very much alive. Both signs occurred on his due date, October 3, 2012. I've already posted about it here. I hope my story can bring comfort to others who are unsure if their babies are okay. 

A Special Heavenly Visit on a Special Earthly Day

This story is really about our day yesterday (Gabriel's EDD), but I feel like I have to start at the very beginning for you to really get the full impact of the story. Sorry this post is so long but I'm really hoping you enjoy it!

So...

When we found out in May that our baby was not going to survive, we started going to this church by our house to pray for the baby. Every time we went, we made a small donation and lit a candle for the baby.

After Gabriel died, we decided to memorialize a candle at this church. We had lit so many candles for him while I was pregnant that we felt he should have his very own. So I went to the church office and bought an engraved gold name card for Gabriel and asked that his name be placed on a candle in the front of the church under a painting of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Once a week, we went to the church to check if his candle had been memorialized yet. And week after week, we walked away disappointed and sad that it still wasn't ready.

Well, two months passed and I was getting worried that they had forgotten about Gabriel's candle. So I called the parish office and this rude (I'm trying to keep this blog PG rated, but you know what word I really wanted to write here) woman told me that his name card had already been placed.

Great!

The next day we drove to the church, excited to see his candle. I was beyond ready to see it and "rude woman" had told me it would be there. But it wasn't! Yes, you read that right. His candle wasn't there!

Thinking maybe they just placed it in the wrong location, we checked every single candle in the church, but it just simply wasn't there. I was so sad and felt so helpless. Getting this candle for Gabriel meant so much to us. It was a rare opportunity to do something special for him. And I felt like nobody else cared. We had been forgotten somehow :(

That day, I sat in the front pew and stared at this stained-glass window with Angel Gabriel's image and name and prayed for Angel Gabriel to send a message to whoever is in charge of placing names on the candles and to tell them that our baby's name was missing. I couldn't bear the thought of calling that rude lady again.

All this occurred last week.

I was planning to check again this week, and then if it still wasn't there, I was going to force myself to call the rude lady.

So, Tuesday night (the night before last), I had this weird dream that Gabriel's name had been placed on his candle at the church. I thought it was just a dream, but I remembered my prayer to Angel Gabriel, so we decided to go to the church and just check. We were planning to go anyways to say a prayer for him, so either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time.

Can you imagine my face when we walked up to the candle stand, and saw a flickering candle with the name "Gabriel Sloan" placed above it. I could not believe it! My prayer had been answered and Gabriel had told me so in a dream.

Gabriel's memorial candle at church

Excited to have received a special dream from our son, I happily left the church, and went to eat lunch. After lunch, we went to the beach to write names in the sand.

The beach was gorgeous. The sun was shining radiantly. The sky was clear and bright blue. The clouds were white and wispy. The breeze was gentle and fresh.

As we walked down the beach to the east end, I was bummed to see that there was another couple on the beach in the exact spot that I wanted to write names. But I thought, it's no big deal, I'll just write names further up the shore, and when they leave I can continue to write names where they're standing. I didn't pay much attention to them as I was busy writing names and my husband was doing his best to take pictures before the waves took them away.

About 20 minutes later, I noticed the couple was gone, so we started walking towards where they had been. I was planning to finish writing names there, but when we arrived, I was so surprised to see that they too had been writing names in the sand. All along the shore were hearts and names drawn in the sand. It was so beautiful to see all of their names and my names combined, taking up almost half of the beach.

When I finally finished writing names in the sand, I was exhausted.

(This is where the story gets really amazing! I promise it's almost over!)

So we sat down on the sand and I was looking out at the horizon soaking in the beauty of the sky and the sea. That's when I noticed two white clouds in the shape of angel wings AND....

You're never going to believe this...

A RAINBOW!!!

There was a rainbow at the beach. No rain! Just a rainbow! 

I was unbelievably happy because in that moment I knew in my heart that Gabriel was visiting us on his special day. He had been with us all day and he wanted us to know. 

For the first five months of my pregnancy I couldn't wait for October 3, 2012 to arrive because I knew it would be the best day of my life. But ever since Gabriel died, I have been dreading it. I was expecting a sad, lonely, horrible day, another painful reminder that my son died 11 weeks ago, instead of being welcomed into the world on the day he was supposed to be born - alive.

Well, it wasn't the best day of my life, but it was the best day I've had since Gabriel died. It reminds me of how far I've come on this grief/healing journey and how much my faith in God and his Heavenly Kingdom has helped me in so many ways. In my darkest moments, I have prayed, and somehow the Lord has found ways to comfort me. 

Today I asked Angel Gabriel to deliver this message to my son:

Blessed Messenger Angel of God, please tell my beautiful son that I felt his presence yesterday. I don't know how he was able to visit us, but I do know that he found a way, and for that I am indescribably grateful. Please tell him that his visit has filled my heart with love, faith, hope and joy. And that for a brief moment, my longing for him was replaced with an overwhelming understanding that he was here with me. I believe that moment was a glimpse of what it will be like to be reunited with him in Heaven. Please keep telling him that when that day comes, I will tell him everything else that I want him to know, but until then, I just want him to hear these six little words over and over again. Your mommy and daddy love you.

A shining sun and a beautiful rainbow at the beach

Angel wing clouds right above the horizon

A Day of Angels

Today is the feast day of the three Holy Archangels, Gabriel, Michael and Raphael. 

According to Scripture, the archangel Gabriel is the messenger angel and he is mentioned in both the Old Testament and the New Testament. He is mentioned by name in some appearances and other times he is thought to be the unnamed angel delivering messages from God. 

In the Old Testament, Gabriel interpreted the vision of the judgement against Israel and announced the coming of a Savior, to the prophet Daniel. (Daniel 8:15-26)

Gabriel is best known for appearing to the Virgin Mary and announcing that she would have a son, conceived by the Holy Spirit and that son was to be called Jesus, and He would be the "Son of the Most High." During the same appearance he also revealed to Mary that her cousin, Elizabeth would have a son as well. (Luke 1: 26-38)

Gabriel may also have been the unnamed angel who appeared to St. Joseph in a dream and explained that Mary would bear a son by the power of the Holy Spirit and that son would be named Immanuel. He instructed Joseph to not be afraid to take Mary as his wife. (Matthew 1:20-24)

Angel Gabriel was the angel who appeared to Zechariah to announce the birth of Jesus' cousin, St. John the Baptist and declared that John would "be great in the sight of God". (Luke 1:10-20)

It is also believed that Gabriel is the angel sent to the shepherds near Bethlehem to proclaim the birth of Jesus Christ. (Luke 2:9-14)

Though not mentioned by name, Gabriel may have been the angel who appeared to Jesus himself, delivering him strength in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before He was to be crucified. (Luke 22:43)

He may also have been the angel who removed the stone from Jesus' tomb. (Matthew 28:2)

Throughout the Bible, we see that Gabriel was God's Holy messenger. For this reason, Archangel Gabriel has been named the patron saint of messengers, communication workers, and postal workers. 

I believe even today that Angel Gabriel is used by God to deliver messages from Heaven. 

Also, because Gabriel is closely associated with conception and birth, it is said that Gabriel watches over unborn babies and gives them the knowledge of Heaven while they're still in the womb. Just before birth, Gabriel touches the baby's upper lip thereby silencing the child and rendering him unable to remember the teachings of Heaven until death. The sign of Gabriel's touch is the cleft above the lip. 

Though it is not written in the Bible, it is nice to believe that Gabriel may have been with our children in the womb, showing them the beauty of Heaven.

If you ever need to know how your child is doing in Heaven, pray to Angel Gabriel to bring you a message from your child.  

If you ever need strength, ask God to send you His Angel Gabriel, the messenger and "strength of God."

And when you need it most, may Gabriel be the bearer of good news!

A Time to Every Purpose Under Heaven

Today is September 19th, 2012.

For the rest of the world, this date is insignificant... just another day.

But for me, this day has many meanings.

It is my son's 2 month birthday... in Heaven.

It is a day that represents how much time has elapsed since my son died.

It is a day that came too soon.

A day that should never have existed, and yet here it is.

Proof that my son is gone.

That he has been gone for 2 whole months.

2 months ago I met my son, held him, fell deeply in love with him, kissed his little toes and ran my fingers over his soft skin.

2 months ago I said good-bye to my son, felt his body leave my arms, and envisioned his soul being returned to his Creator.

Today I'll light a candle for him. I'll go to church and pray for him. I'll sit by his angel urn and whisper to him. I'll cry because I miss him. I'll mourn his loss and celebrate his life.

I'll do all the things that mamas with babies in Heaven do.

Because 2 months ago I became a mother. My baby isn't sleeping in a crib nearby. He's not outgrowing his newborn clothes. He's not rolling over for the first time. He's not here.

I'm a mother of a 2 month old baby. He doesn't sleep, grow or reach milestones.

But he sings, dances and thrives at the feet of his Heavenly Father. The One who gave him life and graced him with eternal glory.

It's been a blessed 2 months for my sweet boy.

And that's all that matters today.

A Prayer for All Our Children

In the days and even weeks to follow Gabriel's death, I was too busy taking care of myself and my husband to think past our little home.

But now, nearly 7 weeks later, I am realizing more and more everyday that we are not alone. There are so many others who feel our pain, who feel our loss, who know what it feels like to live life with never ending heart ache.

Doesn't it just feel relentless at times?

I wish at least a hundred times everyday, that I wasn't a part of this. I wish that I was still that young girl who believed that bad things happened to other people... way way way over there (not here in "saved by the statistics land"). Instead, I feel like I have aged into a wise old woman overnight.

Ignorance and bliss have sailed out of my life, for good.

But I do feel grateful for so many things... for all the lessons I have learned, for the friends I have made, for the growth in my relationship with God, for the support that I have found, for the beauty that remains behind, for the sacred moment in time I had with Gabriel.

In the end, I know I'll be a better person. If not from the lessons, then for my son. I think he has saved me in so many ways. I want to move towards Heaven through my day-to-day life here on earth. I want to grow towards God, so that I can be with Him and Gabriel one day, and so that when that day comes, my son will be proud of me. I desperately want to find the meaning my life was destined to have.

I just know that other BL mommies must feel the same way. And how my heart hurts for all of them, all of you.

I thought it would be nice to say a prayer for our children. I've been meaning to write one for awhile and since I've been reflecting on God and the BL community recently, I thought today would be the right time.

For all of our angel babies...

Father, 
Your children here on earth feel such longing for their babies up in Heaven.
There are so few comforts that can ease their pain.
Some need strength, some need faith, some need understanding.
But what every parent wants most, is the knowledge that their child is leading the happiest and fullest life possible. 
I pray that all babies who have left their mother's arms for your Glory, have found eternal life at your feet.
I pray that they are in a place safe from pain and fear.
I pray that they know your Heavenly love, as well as, the love that fills their parents' hearts.
Lord, give them everything they need and deprive them of nothing they could ever want.
Provide them with an abundance of compassion, joy, and warmth.
May their laughter fill every corner of your Heavenly home.
May their lives be touched by radiant beauty and the everlasting peace that only You can provide.
And may their spirits continually send us messages of hope for an eternal future together. 
Amen.