A New Tradition

Starting the month after Gabriel died, for one year, my husband and I released balloons on or around the 19th of every month as a way to celebrate Gabriel's one month birthdays. Releasing balloons became something of a monthly tradition that helped us to remember Gabriel in a meaningful way and it also became a source of healing. Honestly, I'm not sure why I found it so therapeutic. I suppose it was partially the time and work that went into buying the balloons and driving to a nice place to release them. I think it just felt good to physically do something once a month that revolved around Gabriel. It was a brief pause each month from normal life that allowed us both to do something to parent our child together, to keep him alive in our hearts and to make sure he was remembered on his special day. And for awhile it felt really important and necessary.

But now that the first year is over and I'm in a new place in my grief journey, I feel that monthly balloon releases probably won't be as healing and meaningful as they originally were. I mostly associate balloon releases with the weeks that followed Gabriel's death when they gave us an outlet to grieve at a time in our lives when we were lost and hopeless. Since that time, I've worked really hard to grow and progress on this journey and I hope that I can continue moving forward. I also feel like the guilt of harming the environment and potentially hurting or killing wild animals overshadows any healing I would experience. I just don't want to cause any further destruction or suffering on our planet especially after a year of learning to appreciate and finding joy in nature.

Therefore, as we move forward into our second year without Gabriel, I wanted to start a new tradition that would better reflect where I am now. So instead of monthly balloon releases, my husband and I decided that each month on or close to the 19th, we're going to go to the beach and watch the sunset together. I think this tradition will continue to help us heal and will give us a chance to remember Gabriel and honor his life in a peaceful and meaningful way that doesn't entail polluting the earth.

Last night we started this new tradition by celebrating Gabriel's 14 month birthday at the beach. It was a warm summer evening and the sunset could not have been more gorgeous. We lit candles and wrote his name in the sand and watched the birds flying over the sea. It was all so lovely, like the start of something new and wonderful.

Italy Vacation Photo Journal

For those of you wondering how our vacation went, it wasn't nearly as bad (or sad) as I was expecting it to be.

The weather was freezing, but also very sunny and surprisingly there was no wind or snow, which is unusual especially during winter.

We were very busy the entire time as this trip was only 1 week long. We spent most of the time with family and friends in Genova, but one day we were able to go to Cinqueterre which was beautiful. Of course, the entire time I missed Gabriel and everywhere there were things that reminded me of him. I often found myself wishing he could have been there with us, but it made me feel better to do nice things to remember him.


Here is a photo journal of our vacation (specifically the parts that included Gabriel)... I apologize for the length but I'm kind of a picture fanatic.

Genova, Italy
December 6 - December 12, 2012

THURSDAY:

We arrived in Milan after 16 hours of traveling! (I've taken this trip so many times and it never gets any easier)

For fun, we drove to Como and were planning to spend the day there, but since we couldn't find anywhere to eat that was open and it was freezing, we ended up just walking around for about an hour.

Before we left, we wanted to write Gabriel's name some way. There were tons of autumn leaves on the ground so we decided to write his name on a leaf and then drop it into the lake. I really like to do things that symbolize that he has returned to the earth.

Then we went for a walk around the park and I just happened to notice a corner of the lake (Lake Como) where the water had receded, uncovering a small patch of sand. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited that I ran to find a stick so I could write Gabriel's name in the sand. (I'm a little obsessed with writing his name in the sand.)

FRIDAY:

We spent the day relaxing with Corrado's parents as we slowly acclimated to the time difference. We went downtown for some quick shopping and while there, we decided to go to San Lorenzo Cathedral and light a candle for Gabriel.

SATURDAY:

We had a small party with close friends and family in honor of Gabriel. It was held at a restaurant on the sea and everyone we invited came, so we ended up with a pretty big group of people. We had a "family style" lunch and for dessert we shared a cake that we made and also one that we bought (ours didn't turn out that great, so we brought a back-up.)

Gabriel's grandparents had the bakery write his name on top of a Sacher cake. It was really beautiful. Unfortunately I didn't take a very good picture.

After lunch, we gathered outside on the beach for a balloon release. We spelled out Gabriel's name using 7 balloons and a different person held each letter. It was so special to do something as a group to remember Gabriel. I'm so touched that everyone wanted to participate.

After taking a few photos, we released the balloons along with several others.

It was such a sweet surprise to see them drift out over the sea. Usually there is a strong wind that comes from the sea (and by usually, I mean always), but that afternoon it was so calm and the balloons were able to float freely over the water.

After everyone left, we stayed to watch the sunset. It had been such a gorgeous sunny day and watching the sunset was the perfect way to end the day.

SUNDAY:

We took the train to Cinqueterre. As soon as we got off the train in Monterosso, we crossed the street and unexpectedly discovered this beautiful beach.

We weren't planning to write names in the sand at this beach (originally we were going to go to Santa Margherita), but we figured it would be difficult to find a beach as perfect as this one, so we spent the next 30 minutes writing names in the sand.

It was such a lovely sunny day and the sea was so calm, I can't help but believe that Gabriel was there with us.

I really wish we could have written more names, but since we weren't planning on writing names at all, we were limited by time. Now that we know about this beach, I'd love to go back during our next trip and write more names.

After spending a couple hours in Monterosso, we took the train to the next town, Vernazza, which is my favorite of the 5 Cinqueterre towns. Isn't it beautiful?

We accidentally ended up climbing up to Castle Doria which was lucky for us. From Castle Doria (located at the top of the cliff), you can see the entire coast of Cinqueterre and the view of the sea is endless.

We thought that watching the sunset from up there would be gorgeous, but decided instead to go down to the beach.  Like most of the beaches in this part of Italy, it was covered in rocks (as you can see above).

We gathered a few white rocks and spelled out Gabriel's name and photographed it just as the sun was setting.

MONDAY:

We went to the cemetery to visit Corrado's grandfather, great-grandmother and high school friend. It took us awhile as the cemetery is huge (a little more than a square kilometer).

As we were walking around, we stumbled across the baby section. It was so heartbreaking to see the headstones of so many babies, especially the matching headstones of triplet babies who had just recently grew their angel wings. I imagined their parents coming to the cemetery to bury their 3 babies and I realized how deeply I knew that pain. As a BLM, it's impossible to not ache for all of the other babyloss parents out there missing their precious children.

Saying a special prayer for all the sweet angels buried at Cimitero monumentale di Staglieno.

TUESDAY:

We went to the local church near Corrado's parents' house in Genova. Inside, there is this beautiful altar and church members can light candles and leave small pictures of their deceased loved ones.

After Gabriel died, Corrado's parents added a photo of him next to the photo of Corrado's maternal grandfather. It's such a precious reminder that they are together in Heaven.

Before we left, we lit a small candle for Gabriel and his great-grandfather.

Then we walked down to the shore to see the sunset and since the sea was calm, we wrote Gabriel's name in the sand. (See, I'm obsessed!)

WEDNESDAY (our last day):

We spent our last evening in Genova at the beach. We thought it would be nice to write baby names on sea stones and photograph them at sunset. Again, I wish we could have written more names, but unfortunately it took awhile to photograph each name and before we knew it 2 hours had passed and the sun was gone.

We didn't have time to photograph Gabriel's sea stone, so I'm just going to share a couple pictures of the sunset.

We left all the stones on the shore as the tide was rising so that within a few hours they would be taken by the sea. 

Afterthoughts:Though I was anxious to go on this trip, I'm happy we went. This vacation made me realize how easy it is to find Gabriel in the beauty of the world. I think of him whenever I witness a glorious sunset, whenever a balloon floats up to the sky, and whenever the waves of the sea roar and calm. It doesn't matter where I am in the world, somehow, we always manage to find each other.<3 Gabriel <3

More Than Just Money?

The other day I went to the beach to release flowers. To avoid walking across the entire beach in the sand, I decided to take a different path to the shore than I normally do. I didn't think much of my decision until I stumbled upon a dollar bill, half-buried in the sand. At first, I thought maybe it was a sign of some kind. What are the odds of finding a dollar in the sand at the beach? As I walked towards the sea, I convinced myself that it was just insignificant luck. A couple weeks ago I found a 5 dollar bill in the parking lot of the gym, so I just chalked it up to being a lucky month.

Later, when I arrived at home, I began thinking about the dollar bill. I just couldn't shake the possibility that it meant something. After all, I did find it on the same beach where I saw a rainbow on Gabriel's due date. I looked at the bill more carefully and was surprised to see that the Federal Reserve number printed on the bill was 7 and the Federal Reserve Seal letter was G. I couldn't find anything special about the numbers in the serial number but the first letter was G and the last letter was F. Gabriel's initials are G.F. and 7 is both the number of months he was here on earth and the number of his birth month, July.

I then looked at the bill more carefully. I noticed a blue ink stain on the upper edge, but that didn't seem significant. The number 1, George Washington, The United States of America, A4, and Chicago... all insignificant.

I was about to give up hope that my dollar bill was a sign or had any special meaning.

What meaning could a dollar bill have anyways? It's practical not meaningful. It's just currency. A piece of cloth. Something people lose and find everyday. It was truly just a dollar bill and nothing more.

Just when I was about to fold it up and put it in my piggy bank, something caught my eye... the words at the very top: "Federal Reserve Note."

I had it wrong the whole time.

I kept calling it a bill, when really...

It's a note.

:)

Capture Your Grief, Days 17 & 18: Due Dates & Family Portrait

For Gabriel's EDD, we spent the afternoon at the beach and wrote names in the sand (that post is HERE):

__________________________________________________________________________________________


For our family portrait, I've decided to use our heart-shaped rocks since we haven't really taken any good pictures of us together recently. The Mommy & Daddy rocks are the ones we received at Faith's Lodge and the Gabriel rock is the one I found at the beach on October 1, 2012 when we went to take our sunrise photo for the first day of Capture Your Grief.

Capture Your Grief, Day 16: Release

Yesterday was our first October 15th. Last year at this time, I had no idea this day even existed. 

We wanted to do something special so at the last minute we decided to make the two hour trip down to San Diego for the Molly Bears 3rd Annual San Diego Remembrance Gathering.  

There were a lot of people who attended, mostly families but also some couples. Everyone got a purple balloon and  paper to write a note to their child to send up with the balloons. We all gathered in the middle of the park and released our balloons together just as the sun was setting. 

This event was such a special way to remember our babies and the release was a beautiful tribute to them.

La Jolla Shores was gorgeous and since we got there early, we had time to write Gabriel's name in the sand. We also went back to the shore after the balloon release because the sunset was spectacular! I haven't seen a pink sunset in so long. It was the perfect way to end the day. 

Capture Your Grief, Days 12 & 13: Scents & Signs

One of my biggest regrets is not bringing a special lotion or a candle or something with a scent to the hospital when I gave birth to Gabriel. I would love to associate his birth date with the fragrance of vanilla or jasmine or baby lotion. 

The only scent that I can link to Gabriel is the scent of the shirt that the nurse dressed him in after giving him a bath. I don't know what the scent is -- I'm guessing it's the soap they used to bathe him or the soap they used to wash the shirt. The scent is still so strong and I hope it never ever goes away. I leave his shirt and blanket in this memory box and always keep it closed. I'm hoping that even in 10 years, the scent will remain. It's incredible how this unique scent can bring me right back to that day -- every time I hold his shirt close to my face, I remember exactly what it felt like to breathe him in while holding him in my arms.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I've only received two signs from Gabriel that I believe in my heart are true. I don't know if they were sent by God, an angel, or by Gabriel himself. But I do believe they were a sign from Heaven that Gabriel's spirit is very much alive. Both signs occurred on his due date, October 3, 2012. I've already posted about it here. I hope my story can bring comfort to others who are unsure if their babies are okay. 

Capture Your Grief, Day 9: Special Place

My special place is the beach, because it is where I feel closest to Gabriel. I see him in the sunsets, I feel him in the waves, I hear him in the wind. 

I love to go just to write his name in the sand and watch it slowly taken by the sea. Though his soul is in Heaven, a part of him will always be a part of this earth. He is in the sand, the water, the sky, the air, and in the very essence of the world. 

Where there is beauty, I am sure to find him...

Star Child (Gabriel's Video)

I finally made Gabriel's slideshow video. Today, I was working on a completely different project, and for some reason I got inspired to make his video instead. I've been really wanting to do this for awhile as I've seen several other BLMs make beautiful videos and I think it's such a special way to honor our little ones.

This video is a collection of pictures from Gabriel's birth, from when we said goodbye at the mortuary, from our trip to Faith's Lodge, from my visits to the beach where I write his name in the sand, from our balloon releases in his memory, of some of Gabriel's special items like his star-shaped candle and angel figurine that holds his ashes, and of course a picture of his flower from Gabriel's Garden. The very last picture was taken by my dear friend Stephanie in honor of Gabriel's due date.

Everything in this video is a tribute to Gabriel's life and his unending LIGHT.

(Please make sure your computer's volume is on so you can view the video with music.)


With LOVE, in beloved remembrance of sweet baby Gabriel, my star child.



(Song is Starchild by Bliss)

To view this video on YouTube instead click HERE.

Index of Pictures:
1: 10 week ultrasound 
2-6: Faith's Lodge
7: Gabriel's Birth
8: Cabrillo Beach
9-12: Gabriel's Birth
13: Santa Monica Beach
14: Cabrillo Beach
15-20: Gabriel's Birth
21: Redondo Beach
22: Gabriel's Birth
23: Butterfly Released for Gabriel (from Rachel)
24-25: Cabrillo Beach
26: Gabriel's Birth
27-30: Saying Our Goodbyes at the Mortuary
31: My Necklace With Gabriel's Footprint and Name (Taken at Faith's Lodge)
32: Faith's Lodge
33: First Balloon Release for Gabriel
34-36: Gabriel's Birth
37: Second Balloon Release at Redondo Beach
38: Faith's Lodge
39-40: Gabriel's Birth
41-42: Redondo Beach
43: Gabriel's Garden
44: Seashore of Remembrance Beach Butterfly (from Carly Marie)
45: Gabriel's Birth
46: Gabriel's Star Candle
47: Gabriel's Birth
48-49: Cabrillo Beach
50: Gabriel's Urn
51: Painted Stone we Made at Faith's Lodge and Placed in their Angel Statue Garden
52: A Beach in Seaside Oregon (from Stephanie)

A Special Heavenly Visit on a Special Earthly Day

This story is really about our day yesterday (Gabriel's EDD), but I feel like I have to start at the very beginning for you to really get the full impact of the story. Sorry this post is so long but I'm really hoping you enjoy it!

So...

When we found out in May that our baby was not going to survive, we started going to this church by our house to pray for the baby. Every time we went, we made a small donation and lit a candle for the baby.

After Gabriel died, we decided to memorialize a candle at this church. We had lit so many candles for him while I was pregnant that we felt he should have his very own. So I went to the church office and bought an engraved gold name card for Gabriel and asked that his name be placed on a candle in the front of the church under a painting of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Once a week, we went to the church to check if his candle had been memorialized yet. And week after week, we walked away disappointed and sad that it still wasn't ready.

Well, two months passed and I was getting worried that they had forgotten about Gabriel's candle. So I called the parish office and this rude (I'm trying to keep this blog PG rated, but you know what word I really wanted to write here) woman told me that his name card had already been placed.

Great!

The next day we drove to the church, excited to see his candle. I was beyond ready to see it and "rude woman" had told me it would be there. But it wasn't! Yes, you read that right. His candle wasn't there!

Thinking maybe they just placed it in the wrong location, we checked every single candle in the church, but it just simply wasn't there. I was so sad and felt so helpless. Getting this candle for Gabriel meant so much to us. It was a rare opportunity to do something special for him. And I felt like nobody else cared. We had been forgotten somehow :(

That day, I sat in the front pew and stared at this stained-glass window with Angel Gabriel's image and name and prayed for Angel Gabriel to send a message to whoever is in charge of placing names on the candles and to tell them that our baby's name was missing. I couldn't bear the thought of calling that rude lady again.

All this occurred last week.

I was planning to check again this week, and then if it still wasn't there, I was going to force myself to call the rude lady.

So, Tuesday night (the night before last), I had this weird dream that Gabriel's name had been placed on his candle at the church. I thought it was just a dream, but I remembered my prayer to Angel Gabriel, so we decided to go to the church and just check. We were planning to go anyways to say a prayer for him, so either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time.

Can you imagine my face when we walked up to the candle stand, and saw a flickering candle with the name "Gabriel Sloan" placed above it. I could not believe it! My prayer had been answered and Gabriel had told me so in a dream.

Gabriel's memorial candle at church

Excited to have received a special dream from our son, I happily left the church, and went to eat lunch. After lunch, we went to the beach to write names in the sand.

The beach was gorgeous. The sun was shining radiantly. The sky was clear and bright blue. The clouds were white and wispy. The breeze was gentle and fresh.

As we walked down the beach to the east end, I was bummed to see that there was another couple on the beach in the exact spot that I wanted to write names. But I thought, it's no big deal, I'll just write names further up the shore, and when they leave I can continue to write names where they're standing. I didn't pay much attention to them as I was busy writing names and my husband was doing his best to take pictures before the waves took them away.

About 20 minutes later, I noticed the couple was gone, so we started walking towards where they had been. I was planning to finish writing names there, but when we arrived, I was so surprised to see that they too had been writing names in the sand. All along the shore were hearts and names drawn in the sand. It was so beautiful to see all of their names and my names combined, taking up almost half of the beach.

When I finally finished writing names in the sand, I was exhausted.

(This is where the story gets really amazing! I promise it's almost over!)

So we sat down on the sand and I was looking out at the horizon soaking in the beauty of the sky and the sea. That's when I noticed two white clouds in the shape of angel wings AND....

You're never going to believe this...

A RAINBOW!!!

There was a rainbow at the beach. No rain! Just a rainbow! 

I was unbelievably happy because in that moment I knew in my heart that Gabriel was visiting us on his special day. He had been with us all day and he wanted us to know. 

For the first five months of my pregnancy I couldn't wait for October 3, 2012 to arrive because I knew it would be the best day of my life. But ever since Gabriel died, I have been dreading it. I was expecting a sad, lonely, horrible day, another painful reminder that my son died 11 weeks ago, instead of being welcomed into the world on the day he was supposed to be born - alive.

Well, it wasn't the best day of my life, but it was the best day I've had since Gabriel died. It reminds me of how far I've come on this grief/healing journey and how much my faith in God and his Heavenly Kingdom has helped me in so many ways. In my darkest moments, I have prayed, and somehow the Lord has found ways to comfort me. 

Today I asked Angel Gabriel to deliver this message to my son:

Blessed Messenger Angel of God, please tell my beautiful son that I felt his presence yesterday. I don't know how he was able to visit us, but I do know that he found a way, and for that I am indescribably grateful. Please tell him that his visit has filled my heart with love, faith, hope and joy. And that for a brief moment, my longing for him was replaced with an overwhelming understanding that he was here with me. I believe that moment was a glimpse of what it will be like to be reunited with him in Heaven. Please keep telling him that when that day comes, I will tell him everything else that I want him to know, but until then, I just want him to hear these six little words over and over again. Your mommy and daddy love you.

A shining sun and a beautiful rainbow at the beach

Angel wing clouds right above the horizon

Capture Your Grief, Day 1: Sun Rise

I made it to the beach just in time to watch the sun rise. I was so worried there was going to be too much fog to see the sun, but the sky ended up being perfectly clear!

Just a split second before the sun came up behind the mountains

Here it is!

The waves woke up early too! My husband took this picture, while I ran away :)

Good Morning Sweetheart -- Have a spectacular day in Heaven!

If interested, please click HERE to go to the Capture Your Grief Facebook Event Page to see more beautiful sun rises from around the world.