Celebrating Today

Last Christmas, I think I honestly believed that I would have a baby in my arms today. At some point this year, I realized that having a baby in time for Christmas would be impossible and I held out hope that I would at least be pregnant. Eventually I gave up even that hope and I figured I would just experience another childless Christmas. And then the greatest thing happened. I got pregnant in October. I counted the weeks until Christmas and it seemed like the perfect day to tell everyone about Baby #2. I never thought that I would lose the baby before Christmas and end up doubly childless. I really didn't think it was possible to have an even emptier Christmas than the one following Gabriel's death last year.

So today I'm sad because I miss Gabriel and Poppy. And I'm sad because this isn't the Christmas I wanted. And I'm sad because I feel so extremely cheated out of everything that this day could have (should have) been.

But I also realize that today is not about me or what I want or the plans I made or the dreams I once had or all that I've lost. It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ by showing kindness and love to others. It's about generosity and spreading joy and holiday traditions. It's about celebrating with family around a tree of lights. It's about embracing your life exactly as it is and being hopeful that the future will bring many more blessings.

So even though there is so much I wish I could change about today, I feel truly grateful for everything that I would never change. I am grateful to have had my children at all and I'm grateful for dear friends who will remember them with me today. I am grateful that I can help others who are also missing their children today. I am grateful for my loving family and to have somewhere I belong on Christmas Day. I am grateful for the Christmas dinner I'll share with them tonight. I'm grateful that I'm able to give presents to those who I love. And I'm grateful that despite all the sorrow in my heart, there is still so much joy and beauty in my life... and that is a gift worth celebrating today.

I Am Thankful

To be honest, I didn't really feel like celebrating Thanksgiving this year. The idea of gathering with family and seeing that empty place at the dinner table where Gabriel should have been, would just be another sad reminder that so much is missing from our lives. The thought of adding turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie to the long list of things that Gabriel is missing out on, was just much to bear. I considered just removing this day altogether from my calendar, just skipping over it by staying in bed all day...

But then I realized something. Thanksgiving isn't about the food and the dinner table. It's not about focusing on what is missing from our lives. It's about giving thanks, and not out of obligation for the holiday, but because we have so much to be thankful for. It's about allowing are appreciation to mold us into better people and to show us the path towards happiness. It's about recognizing that the loss of a loved one does not negate the love that always remains in our hearts.

So today, I celebrate all that I am thankful for. Every day of my life has been an opportunity to experience joy, beauty and love, and for that I am thankful. For the gift of a wonderful family, I am thankful. For those who have touched my heart, I am thankful. For the many blessings that I have been eternally granted and for the precious treasures that were lent only for a moment, I am thankful.

And for my beautiful Gabriel, I am so truly thankful.