Happiness

Ever since Gabriel died, everything good that's happened has been tinged with an element of sadness. There are no more happy moments... there is only bittersweet. I have experienced happiness, but every time I laugh or smile, deep down I am shedding a tear because Gabriel is not laughing and smiling with me. He should be, but he's not here and even if his life in Heaven is nothing but joyous, I'm not a part of it. And really, what is the point of happiness if you can't share it with the people you love? It's just not the same.

My happiness is no longer pure. It's complicated. It can't even exist without its emotional counterparts: guilt, sorrow, and grief. Happiness no longer fills me up. Instead I feel even more empty if that's even possible. When I laugh, I can't help but be reminded of all of the things that Gabriel is missing out on. He'll never laugh at a funny joke, or smile at a pretty girl. He'll never do that cute baby squeal thing when someone tickles his tummy. He'll never jump for joy or fall out of his seat laughing. He will never know what earthly happiness feels like.

I think as a mother the one thing you always hope is that your children will be happy. It doesn't matter if they have successful jobs or win awards... just as long as they're happy.

I'm so heartbroken that I can't give Gabriel the life of happiness that he should have had. There is just so much I want for him. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I experience a moment of joy without wishing that Gabriel was with me. I don't know if I'll ever truly be able to let go of the guilt that often overshadows the happiness. I suppose the best I can do now is live my life the way I wish Gabriel could have lived his... constantly in search of happiness and always hopeful that the best is yet to come..