This Time... Again

It's the holiday season once more. Even though it has become easier to endure this time of year, I know for many, myself included, that after losing a child, the holidays are forever bittersweet. This year, like last year, I have my sweet boy Louis with me. He fills the house with his cries and laughter and the energy that only a little boy can possess. He runs around with curiosity in his eyes. He comes up to me and smiles for just a second before returning to his crazy antics. I dress him up in adorable red and green pajamas and watch his eyes light up when we turn on the Christmas lights.

He is a blessing. He is the blessing of all blessings. This I know.

But with all my heart, I wish there were more presents under the tree. I wish I could take one of those family photos with one child looking at the camera smiling and the other, completely oblivious, picking his nose and looking at the ceiling. I wish I had all my babies here with me. But mostly I wish this could just be happy joyous festive time. Instead of the bittersweet, wish-I-could-change-so-many-things time of the year.

Yesterday was Poppy's 2nd birthday. It feels like forever ago that we learned she was gone. I remember feeling so lucky to be pregnant again thinking that it would somehow make the holidays easier to get through. December is such a difficult month to lose a baby. It's hard, really more like impossible to get in the Christmas spirit when the one person you want to celebrate with the most is gone.

It's now been almost 3 1/2 years since Gabriel died. I imagine Louis and Gabriel opening presents together, playing with new toys on Christmas day while watching Christmas cartoons, the way my sister and I used to do when we were kids. I wish Louis could have that. I wish my family could have that. I wish for once we could have a complete Christmas with no one missing.

Sending love, peace, hope and healing to all of you this holiday season.

And happy birthday to my little Poppy celebrating her birthday and Jesus' birthday with her brother in Heaven this year.

Celebrating Today

Last Christmas, I think I honestly believed that I would have a baby in my arms today. At some point this year, I realized that having a baby in time for Christmas would be impossible and I held out hope that I would at least be pregnant. Eventually I gave up even that hope and I figured I would just experience another childless Christmas. And then the greatest thing happened. I got pregnant in October. I counted the weeks until Christmas and it seemed like the perfect day to tell everyone about Baby #2. I never thought that I would lose the baby before Christmas and end up doubly childless. I really didn't think it was possible to have an even emptier Christmas than the one following Gabriel's death last year.

So today I'm sad because I miss Gabriel and Poppy. And I'm sad because this isn't the Christmas I wanted. And I'm sad because I feel so extremely cheated out of everything that this day could have (should have) been.

But I also realize that today is not about me or what I want or the plans I made or the dreams I once had or all that I've lost. It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ by showing kindness and love to others. It's about generosity and spreading joy and holiday traditions. It's about celebrating with family around a tree of lights. It's about embracing your life exactly as it is and being hopeful that the future will bring many more blessings.

So even though there is so much I wish I could change about today, I feel truly grateful for everything that I would never change. I am grateful to have had my children at all and I'm grateful for dear friends who will remember them with me today. I am grateful that I can help others who are also missing their children today. I am grateful for my loving family and to have somewhere I belong on Christmas Day. I am grateful for the Christmas dinner I'll share with them tonight. I'm grateful that I'm able to give presents to those who I love. And I'm grateful that despite all the sorrow in my heart, there is still so much joy and beauty in my life... and that is a gift worth celebrating today.

Merry Christmas Gabriel

For Christmas this year, we asked friends and family to commit random acts of kindness in memory of Gabriel. At first, I was saddened and a little disappointed because some of the people I assumed would participate chose not to. But then as I laid out all the cards and printed out each of the emails I realized that for every person who I  was expecting to participate but didn't, someone completely unexpected did. My heart was warmed by all of the wonderful people who committed and shared random acts of kindness in memory of my sweet boy. We read each one aloud as a family (me, my husband and my parents) and then commented on how beautiful and generous each act was.

I feel so blessed to be able to say that we received a lot of really lovely notes. Some people gave money or bought meals for the homeless, others helped friends or family, and some donated to charities like St. Jude's. One friend even decided to forgive her father and get in touch with him after several years of being estranged. Every act committed was so significant and it brought me so much comfort and joy to know that these good deeds were done because other people had been inspired by Gabriel to spread kindness. We are both so very grateful to everyone for thinking of our baby and making our Christmas special this year. 

My husband and I decided to also take part in Gabriel's Stocking Project. As our act of kindness we chose not to exchange gifts this year and instead donated to a few of the charities that have helped us or other babyloss parents. This was our little way of giving back to a community that has been so supportive. 

In Gabriel's memory, we donated to Faith’s Lodge because we hope that every parent who loses a child has the opportunity to find healing at a place as special as Faith's Lodge. In memory of Gabriel's great-grandfather, we donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep because we all know how valuable pictures of our angels are. In memory of Gabriel's aunt (my sister), we contributed to Molly Bears and in memory of the 20 children who lost their lives at Sandyhook Elementary, we made a donation to The Compassionate Friends. Lastly, in memory of all the babies who now dance with Gabriel in Heaven and who are so desperately missed here on Earth, we gave back to Project Sweet Peas, an organization that has provided us with comfort by making a memory box for Gabriel.

Though part of me feels so fortunate to have a son that has inspired extraordinary kindness this Christmas and to have friends and loved ones who care so much about Gabriel, there's a much (MUCH) greater part of me who wishes more than anything that Gabriel had been here instead. I can't help but look at the Christmas cards of families with babies and small children, and think that we should have had that this year also. We should have stood in front of our Christmas tree holding our new baby. We should have filled his stocking with baby toys and pacifiers. This should have been the happiest Christmas of our lives. Instead, Christmas this year was yet another reminder of how much potential has been lost, how many joyous moments will never be lived and how many precious memories will never be made. How truly so much has been stolen from us.

I wish on Christmas, we could all have our children back for just one day. I'd rather have him in my arms for a minute than receive all of the presents in the world. I look forward to the first Christmas I get to spend in Heaven with Gabriel, my sister and all the beautiful children waiting for us to join them around the most spectacular Christmas tree ever.

Merry Christmas Gabriel! I hope you had a beautiful Christmas in Heaven with Jesus and all your little friends.

A Lovesong Dedicated to Gabriel

Yesterday was Gabriel's 5 month birthday and I wanted to do something special for him since his birthday falls so close to Christmas this month. I decided to request that a Christmas song be dedicated to him on one of the radio stations here in L.A. that plays lovesong dedications every night. When I sent in my request, I asked that they play his song on the 19th and I was so excited that they did. I feel so blessed to be given the opportunity to send out this beautiful Christmas song to Gabriel and to hear his name spoken on the radio.

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Happy 5 month birthday Gabriel! Hoping your day was special and that your Christmas in Heaven will be a peaceful and happy one. We miss you so much and wish more than anything that you could be with us this holiday season.

This lovesong was played on the radio just for you Amore Mio...




Slideshow Video featuring the Christmas song "Merry Christmas Darling."
(Aired on KOST 103.5, Los Angeles, July 19, 2012 ~ 10:21 P.M.)

Our First Family Vacation

It's almost time for us to leave on our vacation. This is the first vacation (besides Faith's Lodge), that we've taken since Gabriel. For the majority of my pregnancy, we were both busy working and then I was on bed rest for the last few weeks. Then Gabriel died and planning a vacation just didn't land high on the list of priorities.

Planning this trip has been so bittersweet.

For many reasons, I am happy to be going. We get to see our family and friends that we haven't seen in a couple years. We can eat the world's greatest pizza and focaccia. I'm looking forward to the party we're having in Gabriel's honor. We're going to make a special cake for him and release balloons with friends and family. We're going to write his name in the sand close to the house where Gabriel's daddy grew up. And that will be special.

Christmas will surely be in the air everywhere we go. Nobody celebrates Christmas like Italy celebrates Christmas. If you've never been there during the holidays, it's something you should add to your bucket list. They really go all-out there. And not in the commercial-corporate-mustbuymore- kind of way that we have here in the U.S. They just really love Christmas over there and I'm excited to be a part of that.

But of course, I can't help but feel that Gabriel should be going with us. I am sad that he will be with us only in our hearts during this vacation. Had everything gone according to plan, he would be 2 months old now. We'd be that couple struggling to get through the security line at the airport with a stroller and an overstuffed baby bag. I'd be that new mama on the plane trying to console an infant screaming at the top of his lungs during take-off.

Instead, it will just be the two of us... no strollers, no bottles, no fussy baby. Just two people easily passing through security with only boarding passes and passports to worry about. There will be no new baby to show off to our family and friends. There will be no grandchild to hand off to his grandparents at the airport. Only memories, thoughts, wishes, and the occasional mention of his name.

And then there's the fact that Gabriel will never know Italy. He'll never travel to the land that was in his blood. He'll never have the chance to step foot on the soil where his ancestors once roamed, where his great grandparents lived and died, where his daddy grew up and his parents traveled across together.

Once again, he is missing so much and we are left only missing him.

Will it ever be possible to take a family vacation without being heartbroken that such a significant piece of our family is missing?

*sigh*

This should have been our first family vacation.

Unfortunately instead, it's our first Missing-A-Precious-Member-Of-Our-Family Vacation.

The Moon and the Sea (Genova, Italy)

Gabriel's Christmas Stocking Project

I've been searching for a special way to remember Gabriel this Christmas and stumbled upon this great idea on Franchesca's Small Bird Studios blog. Another baby loss family came up with the wonderful idea of asking friends and family to commit random acts of kindness in memory of their daughter. They asked everyone to write down their acts of kindness. Then they filled their daughter's Christmas stocking with all of the notes and emails and waited until Christmas morning to read them.

We love knowing that Gabriel is making a difference in the world, so we thought this would be the perfect way to remember him this Christmas.

If you have a moment, please visit our project webpage.

We're asking everyone to participate if possible!

Thank you so much :)

Remembering Our Babies... on Christmas

This year will be my first Christmas as a BLM :(

For me, it's really important that as a family we include Gabriel on Christmas. 

I'm planning on making him a stocking or ordering one personalized with his name. Everyone in our family has a special stocking and I want Gabriel to have one too. 

I'm also making Christmas ornaments with his name on them. I'm going to try to photograph his ornaments when we go to Italy next month. If there's snow, I was thinking it might be pretty to hang them on a tree outside. Then I can give them to family and friends as Christmas gifts. 

I was wondering what everyone else is planning to do for Christmas. 

Does anyone have any ideas for special ways to remember our babies during the holidays?