Four Months

It's officially been four months.

Four months of time now separate me and the day my son died.

I don't know if these four months went by fast or not. I don't know if I'm where I'm supposed to be four months after the loss of a baby. In so many ways, time has helped me to heal. The pain is not as fresh as it used to be. The tears are fewer each week. I still hurt. I still miss him. But I'm dealing with his loss. I'm living my life without him. I'm not really moving forward so much as I'm drifting in a river that is carrying me with its current.

Part of me is glad that time is pushing me along. Moving me away from the pain, away from the unbearable, devastating, tremendous loss that I experienced four months ago. But another part of me wishes I didn't have to move on. I'd actually like to go backward. I'd like to go back to that day, spend just one more day with him.

A few more moments, another set of memories.

If it were possible to have a Groundhog Day type of experience and to wake up everyday and repeat Gabriel's birthday over and over again, I think I would choose that option.

I'm relieved that as humans we don't get to make that choice. Because I think so many of us would remain in the past, permanently stuck there, instead of here in the present where we belong. So many days I ache and long to return to that day four months ago. But I do believe that just around the corner there is something waiting for me. It won't take away the pain of losing my son. It won't make me forget him. It won't be the magic answer to all my questions. But that's okay. Because I've learned to live with the pain and I don't want to forget and I'm not so convinced that any answer will make me feel better anyways.

Everyday is an opportunity to stay in the past, live in the present or look forward to the future. Not everyday is about taking steps forward. Some moments should be about the past, the precious memories, the sacred reminiscence that ties us to the past.

But eventually the river will sweep us up. And forward we shall roll...