Twinkle of Light (Blog): signs

The other day I went to the beach to release flowers. To avoid walking across the entire beach in the sand, I decided to take a different path to the shore than I normally do. I didn't think much of my decision until I stumbled upon a dollar bill, half-buried in the sand. At first, I thought maybe it was a sign of some kind. What are the odds of finding a dollar in the sand at the beach? As I walked towards the sea, I convinced myself that it was just insignificant luck. A couple weeks ago I found a 5 dollar bill in the parking lot of the gym, so I just chalked it up to being a lucky month.

Later, when I arrived at home, I began thinking about the dollar bill. I just couldn't shake the possibility that it meant something. After all, I did find it on the same beach where I saw a rainbow on Gabriel's due date. I looked at the bill more carefully and was surprised to see that the Federal Reserve number printed on the bill was 7 and the Federal Reserve Seal letter was G. I couldn't find anything special about the numbers in the serial number but the first letter was G and the last letter was F. Gabriel's initials are G.F. and 7 is both the number of months he was here on earth and the number of his birth month, July.

I then looked at the bill more carefully. I noticed a blue ink stain on the upper edge, but that didn't seem significant. The number 1, George Washington, The United States of America, A4, and Chicago... all insignificant.

I was about to give up hope that my dollar bill was a sign or had any special meaning.

What meaning could a dollar bill have anyways? It's practical not meaningful. It's just currency. A piece of cloth. Something people lose and find everyday. It was truly just a dollar bill and nothing more.

Just when I was about to fold it up and put it in my piggy bank, something caught my eye... the words at the very top: "Federal Reserve Note."

I had it wrong the whole time.

I kept calling it a bill, when really...

It's a note.

:)

This story is really about our day yesterday (Gabriel's EDD), but I feel like I have to start at the very beginning for you to really get the full impact of the story. Sorry this post is so long but I'm really hoping you enjoy it!

So...

When we found out in May that our baby was not going to survive, we started going to this church by our house to pray for the baby. Every time we went, we made a small donation and lit a candle for the baby.

After Gabriel died, we decided to memorialize a candle at this church. We had lit so many candles for him while I was pregnant that we felt he should have his very own. So I went to the church office and bought an engraved gold name card for Gabriel and asked that his name be placed on a candle in the front of the church under a painting of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Once a week, we went to the church to check if his candle had been memorialized yet. And week after week, we walked away disappointed and sad that it still wasn't ready.

Well, two months passed and I was getting worried that they had forgotten about Gabriel's candle. So I called the parish office and this rude (I'm trying to keep this blog PG rated, but you know what word I really wanted to write here) woman told me that his name card had already been placed.

Great!

The next day we drove to the church, excited to see his candle. I was beyond ready to see it and "rude woman" had told me it would be there. But it wasn't! Yes, you read that right. His candle wasn't there!

Thinking maybe they just placed it in the wrong location, we checked every single candle in the church, but it just simply wasn't there. I was so sad and felt so helpless. Getting this candle for Gabriel meant so much to us. It was a rare opportunity to do something special for him. And I felt like nobody else cared. We had been forgotten somehow :(

That day, I sat in the front pew and stared at this stained-glass window with Angel Gabriel's image and name and prayed for Angel Gabriel to send a message to whoever is in charge of placing names on the candles and to tell them that our baby's name was missing. I couldn't bear the thought of calling that rude lady again.

All this occurred last week.

I was planning to check again this week, and then if it still wasn't there, I was going to force myself to call the rude lady.

So, Tuesday night (the night before last), I had this weird dream that Gabriel's name had been placed on his candle at the church. I thought it was just a dream, but I remembered my prayer to Angel Gabriel, so we decided to go to the church and just check. We were planning to go anyways to say a prayer for him, so either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time.

Can you imagine my face when we walked up to the candle stand, and saw a flickering candle with the name "Gabriel Sloan" placed above it. I could not believe it! My prayer had been answered and Gabriel had told me so in a dream.

Gabriel's memorial candle at church

Excited to have received a special dream from our son, I happily left the church, and went to eat lunch. After lunch, we went to the beach to write names in the sand.

The beach was gorgeous. The sun was shining radiantly. The sky was clear and bright blue. The clouds were white and wispy. The breeze was gentle and fresh.

As we walked down the beach to the east end, I was bummed to see that there was another couple on the beach in the exact spot that I wanted to write names. But I thought, it's no big deal, I'll just write names further up the shore, and when they leave I can continue to write names where they're standing. I didn't pay much attention to them as I was busy writing names and my husband was doing his best to take pictures before the waves took them away.

About 20 minutes later, I noticed the couple was gone, so we started walking towards where they had been. I was planning to finish writing names there, but when we arrived, I was so surprised to see that they too had been writing names in the sand. All along the shore were hearts and names drawn in the sand. It was so beautiful to see all of their names and my names combined, taking up almost half of the beach.

When I finally finished writing names in the sand, I was exhausted.

(This is where the story gets really amazing! I promise it's almost over!)

So we sat down on the sand and I was looking out at the horizon soaking in the beauty of the sky and the sea. That's when I noticed two white clouds in the shape of angel wings AND....

You're never going to believe this...

A RAINBOW!!!

There was a rainbow at the beach. No rain! Just a rainbow!

I was unbelievably happy because in that moment I knew in my heart that Gabriel was visiting us on his special day. He had been with us all day and he wanted us to know.

For the first five months of my pregnancy I couldn't wait for October 3, 2012 to arrive because I knew it would be the best day of my life. But ever since Gabriel died, I have been dreading it. I was expecting a sad, lonely, horrible day, another painful reminder that my son died 11 weeks ago, instead of being welcomed into the world on the day he was supposed to be born - alive.

Well, it wasn't the best day of my life, but it was the best day I've had since Gabriel died. It reminds me of how far I've come on this grief/healing journey and how much my faith in God and his Heavenly Kingdom has helped me in so many ways. In my darkest moments, I have prayed, and somehow the Lord has found ways to comfort me.

Today I asked Angel Gabriel to deliver this message to my son:

Blessed Messenger Angel of God, please tell my beautiful son that I felt his presence yesterday. I don't know how he was able to visit us, but I do know that he found a way, and for that I am indescribably grateful. Please tell him that his visit has filled my heart with love, faith, hope and joy. And that for a brief moment, my longing for him was replaced with an overwhelming understanding that he was here with me. I believe that moment was a glimpse of what it will be like to be reunited with him in Heaven. Please keep telling him that when that day comes, I will tell him everything else that I want him to know, but until then, I just want him to hear these six little words over and over again. Your mommy and daddy love you.