Gabriel's Name and Belated Thanks

Thank you to the following BLMs for taking the time to write Gabriel's name in such a special way. I just love seeing his name written by others. It is such a sweet reminder that others think about him too and that he is remembered here on earth. I am blessed to have met so many amazing women and to not just have these items, but to have made such meaningful friendships.


Thank you Heidi for embroidering Gabriel's name and footprints on his precious blanket. There are truly no words to describe how much I treasure this. I know this took quite a bit of time and I'm so grateful!

Thank you Kyla at Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks for painting Gabriel's name on a rock and photographing it so BEAUTIFULLY at sun rise. I feel so lucky to have met you.

Thank you Anna at Alanna Phoebe's Clay Names for being such a supportive friend and for taking the time to write Gabriel's name with clay. This is so creative and I really appreciate that you introduced Gabriel to your children.

Remembering Jamie Lynn, Tossie Adaline and Alanna Phoebe <3

You Are Always In My Heart

During the past few months I have been blessed to meet so many amazing people. I am so thankful for all of my BLM friends and feel especially grateful to those who have taken the time to send beautiful gifts in Gabriel's memory. I am constantly overwhelmed by the generosity and support that exists here in the BL community.

Today I'd like to send a heartfelt thanks to a very special BLM named Rhonda at You Are Always In My Heart, who sent me this beautiful handmade heart with Gabriel's name. As soon as I received it, I hung it on my window so I could take a picture of it in the sunlight. I just can't get over how lovely it is and how such a simple gesture has brought me so much joy.

I hope that everyone takes a moment to visit her website and read her heartbreaking and inspiring story. You can also view her beautiful gallery of hearts, and make a request if you would like a heart in memory of your baby(ies).

You are Always in my Heart

Capture Your Grief, Days 10 & 11: Symbol and Supportive Friends & Family

It doesn't take much for me to be reminded of Gabriel. I think about him all the time. I don't really have any symbols for him, but I suppose that stars could be his symbol, since they are the "twinkles of light" that this blog is named after. I consider Gabriel to be the light of my life - the twinkle shining bright amidst all the darkness.

a star taken by the sea

I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful circle of support surrounding me. My husband has endured this loss with me and he helps me to keep Gabriel's memory alive. Our parents have helped us and have always been supportive. My girlfriends have all been so understanding and have listened to Gabriel's story with compassionate hearts. I think some of the greatest support has come from the BLMs I have never met in person. I know so little about them except that they have lost babies and their hearts are filled with love, yet I find in them a kindness I have never known before.

a card from my girlfriends -- they all chipped in and donated $100 to charity in Gabriel's name

Capture Your Grief, Days 6 & 7: What Not To Say/What To Say

About a week after Gabriel died, I finally found the strength to leave the house. I was DREADING running into my neighbors because they knew I was pregnant. It's not that I mind talking about Gabriel (quite the opposite), but this was very early on and the pain was still so unbearable. I needed compassion and sympathy more than I ever have in my life. This lovely gem was told to us by one of our neighbors (who BTW, has a healthy baby boy), after my husband and I explained that our baby had not survived. 

Clearly, this is what NOT to say to a grieving mother:

How I wish I was in the right state of mind to respond, "Why couldn't it have happened to you instead???!!!" but then again, that might have been inappropriate and insensitive.

____________________________________________________________________________________

I have also been unbelievably lucky to have met so many other BLMs, who are all so amazing. They have restored my faith in the kindness of humanity. They know all the right words to say to comfort you even on days when the tears won't stop. 

A few women have written these words to me, and I think this might be the most perfect thing to say to anyone who has lost a baby. It is so nice to hear someone call my son "a blessing" amidst all of the people who imply that Gabriel was a tragedy or a curse.  

Gabriel was the very very very BEST thing to happen to us. Words cannot describe how lucky we feel to be his parents. 

He really is a blessing.

October is Here

It's already October! I am anticipating that October is going to be an eventful month for me, so much so, that I've decided to write all about it.

First, I am participating in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief photo project throughout the entire month. Photography is a big interest of mine, and well, the past few months I've become an expert at grieving. I really wanted to do something to document my early days of loss and grief and I think this is a great way to do so. So, tomorrow I will start off this month by waking up at 6 a.m. to attempt to capture a shot of the sun rising at the beach. Melissa has agreed to be my project buddy, so with her help, I'm hoping I can take at least one picture every day this month.

In just a few days it will be Gabriel's due date. Back in January when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought October 3rd would never arrive. I thought my pregnancy would last forever - the time just couldn't go by fast enough. It feels strange... that this day that I once couldn't wait for, has become a day I wish would never arrive.

Sometime this week, we'll be receiving Gabriel's autopsy results. I don't know what to think or feel about this. I really want answers, but I'm worried that the results will be inconclusive. In my heart, I know it doesn't matter one way or the other. He's gone and no test results will change that fact. But part of me just has to know what went wrong... what exactly was that first domino to fall, that changed my life so drastically.

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day as you all know. I am planning to light candles for all our angel babies -- pink ones for the girls, and blue ones for the boys. I'd like to do something more, but I can't think of anything else to do. If anybody is in the Los Angeles area and wants to join me for this informal candle lighting ceremony, please let me know.

October is also the month of my beautiful friend, Stephanie's due date. I got so very lucky and got partnered up with her for the October Milestone gift exchange. I've never met Stephanie in person, but I have this image of her being a craft goddess. (I, on the other hand, stopped developing my arts & crafts skills somewhere in the 3rd grade.) Nonetheless, I'm doing my absolute best to make her a special craft project and I'm crossing my fingers that it comes out the way I am visualizing it in my head. I can't say more because it's supposed to be a surprise :)

And of course there is Halloween at the end of the month. I wish with all my heart that I had Gabriel here with me, so I could dress him up in a cute costume. (Don't we all?) I saw all of these super cute baby Halloween costumes the other day... I swear the store puts these out just to torture me. In the beginning part of my pregnancy, I was looking forward to doing something special with Gabriel for Halloween, so I feel like I have to do something to celebrate this day. I was thinking to write our babies' names on pumpkin candle holders and then light candles -- I know, I am not creative at all! I am always lighting candles -- honestly, because I can't think of anything else to do. If anyone else likes my pumpkin candle idea, please let me know, so I can be sure to light one for your baby. And if anyone has any non-candle lighting ideas, by all means, please share them!

I don't want to forget to mention that there are a few special angel birthdays this month and once again I will be lighting candles, and posting pictures here.

I hope that this October is a special month for all of us, and that it provides us with a chance to remember all of our little ones.

It will surely be a luminous month for me!

Thank you Forever Our Sweet Pea for Gabriel's October Ribbon.

A Special Gift

I'm not sure if everyone knows about Ethan's Flame, so I wanted to write about it. Ethan's Flame is a very special ministry started by BLM, Joy, in honor of her precious son, Ethan.

Joy will make you your own special candle with your baby's name and photo. There is also a very touching poem written on the back. 

I can't emphasize enough how amazing and beautiful this candle is. It is completely hand crafted and personalized. It comes with a flameless candle, and can stay lit all day long. 

I am truly impressed by Joy's talent and generosity! There are not enough words to say just how much this gift means to me. 

Please visit her website, read about Ethan, and request your own special candle. 

(Thanks Joy, from the bottom of my heart!)

back

Forever Missed & Loved ~ Ethan Joseph

Pinwheels from Heaven

I wanted to write a post about BLM Shauna's blog/ministry, Pinwheels from Heaven, because what she does is just so incredible! I think her story is so inspiring and her dedication to the BL community is beautiful. I feel blessed to have met Shauna and wanted to share the pictures that she took for Gabriel. I love them and I think everyone can see why. Please visit her blog here when you get a chance, and read about her daughters and her ministry.

Please take a moment to remember Shauna's precious little ones, Janessa and Hope.