I can't see him, but I can feel that he is close. I feel the breeze on my neck, hear it whooshing past my face, and I can't help but wonder if this is his way of communicating with me. His way of staying close to me.
Is he trying to tell me that he's okay? That he's still alive.
That his spirit is all around me. That his soul is immortal. That he is part of every breath I take.
Or is it just the wind? The same wind that even mothers who have never lost a baby can feel.
Sometimes I wonder how much of the mystery of heaven is truth, how much is faith and how much is grief trapping me in denial for my own sanity. How much of his presence is my subconscious mind, unable to ever let him go.
This is why I question my own faith. Because I don't know if I have faith because I believe or because I need to believe. Because I am desperate beyond rationality.
I don't know if I feel him in the wind, see him in the glow of the sunset, hear him in the crashing waves because he is always on my mind, because it is I who is seeking a glimpse of him.
Or because it is him who has come back to find me. Is heaven perhaps not a palace in the sky, but rather the freedom to fly in the wind that brushes against those who need you most.
Though the truth is a mystery never to be solved, I like to think that I feel him close by during certain moments because he is with me.
Because it's hard to accept that someone who is so loved could ever die.
Because it's so much sweeter to imagine that he never really left.
Because maybe he's not lost.
Maybe he's just waiting in the wind.
I think the same things. I wonder if the things I notice are signs from Avery or just my mind helping me cope by imagining she is there. Heaven is still so obscure to me. We don't know what it really is like. So do our loved ones really look down on us constantly as I imagine or just occasionally because Heaven has so much more I offer than we do?
ReplyDeleteI just have to stay strong in my faith that I know she is in Heaven and whether or not she is truly watching my every step or not, she will be waiting for me when I join her in the future.
Until I get there myself, I'll never know if the things that happen are coincidence or Avery saying hello. But for now, I like to believe they are her. And I don't see anything wrong with that. It brings me comfort.
I can't remember a time when I didn't believe in Heaven. I also have been in tune with nature since I was a young girl. Losing James, Jr. shook my entire life to pieces, but I always clung to God. He was all I had, since no one else understood my intense feelings. I love the clouds and butterflies and the summer sea breeze. I take comfort in these things which are created by God. I don't understand. I never will. I just have to console myself the best way I can. Blessings to you Catherine.
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