A Special Gift

I'm not sure if everyone knows about Ethan's Flame, so I wanted to write about it. Ethan's Flame is a very special ministry started by BLM, Joy, in honor of her precious son, Ethan.

Joy will make you your own special candle with your baby's name and photo. There is also a very touching poem written on the back. 

I can't emphasize enough how amazing and beautiful this candle is. It is completely hand crafted and personalized. It comes with a flameless candle, and can stay lit all day long. 

I am truly impressed by Joy's talent and generosity! There are not enough words to say just how much this gift means to me. 

Please visit her website, read about Ethan, and request your own special candle. 

(Thanks Joy, from the bottom of my heart!)

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Forever Missed & Loved ~ Ethan Joseph

Pinwheels from Heaven

I wanted to write a post about BLM Shauna's blog/ministry, Pinwheels from Heaven, because what she does is just so incredible! I think her story is so inspiring and her dedication to the BL community is beautiful. I feel blessed to have met Shauna and wanted to share the pictures that she took for Gabriel. I love them and I think everyone can see why. Please visit her blog here when you get a chance, and read about her daughters and her ministry.

Please take a moment to remember Shauna's precious little ones, Janessa and Hope.

A Wonderful Day

Today is a wonderful day.

It's my dad's 60th birthday, a day that our family is truly lucky and blessed to celebrate.

This morning I woke up early and went to the beach so I could take pictures of the beginning of this day. A day that will always mean so much to me.

I wrote Gabriel's name in the wet sand. And thought how perfect this day would be if only he were still here with us.

My due date is not until next month. If Gabriel didn't get sick, I'd still be pregnant... blissfully pregnant. I'd be walking around daydreaming of motherhood. Proud and delighted to be carrying the person who would turn my dad into a grandfather for the first time. I imagined myself picking out a onesie printed with the words "My grandpa loves me!" and buying my dad one of those mugs that says "World's Greatest Grandpa."

But instead, I wrote Gabriel's name in the sand in his memory. In sacred remembrance of his brief life here on earth... all 29 weeks and 1 day of it.

Gabriel will never celebrate his 60th birthday. He'll never be a dad. He'll never cherish a day so much that it warrants waking up at 5 a.m. to watch it begin.

I'm starting to realize that the "Gabriel will never" list is neverending.

More than anything, I wish that I could trade all the rest of my days so that he could just have one. One day to watch the sun rise, to celebrate a beloved birthday, to feel the sand between his toes, to watch pelicans soar above the ocean waves, to laugh and cry, to experience this crazy, extraordinary thing we call life.

Today is a wonderful day.

Hand Made with Love

I finally sent my prayer flag off to Australia for Carly Marie's Remembrance Ceremony at Christian's Beach.

I finished it a few days ago, but have not had the time to go to the post office.

Anyhow, if any of you have not yet made a flag for your child, I really encourage you to do so.

I loved making mine! It took a lot of time, patience and effort, however I really enjoyed making something with my own hands that was special for Gabriel.

My theme (of course) was stars...

If you're interested, here is how I made my prayer flag, though I am certainly not an expert in making any kind of crafts :)

First, I dyed white fabric, a denim blue color and allowed it to soak in warm water to give it a faded, vintage look.

Second, I ironed on a picture of Van Gogh's Starry Night on a small piece of fabric, and stitched it to the top of the flag. 

Next, I covered the flag in stars cut out of yellow fabric, and sewed on star buttons for additional texture.

Then, I sewed on letters that spelled out Gabriel's name, and little angels, in the bottom corner. (I sewed similar angels into the blanket that Gabriel was wrapped in during his cremation, so they have special meaning to me.)

Then, I decorated a separate piece of fabric by gluing on blue stars and sewing on his name and birth date.

Lastly, I sewed the front piece to the back piece.

It didn't turn out exactly as I wanted (I'm not very crafty by nature), but overall I'm happy to say that it was made with love and with my baby Gabriel in mind. I think overall it probably took me about 1 hour of planning and shopping and another 4 hours to construct the flag from start to finish. Most of the time spent was sewing since I did everything with a needle and thread by hand. I'm sure I could have saved a lot of time by using a sewing machine, but I really felt like taking the time to make each stitch carefully with my hands.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to make this prayer flag in my son's memory. It was so healing! And it's so nice to know that it will be hung out on the beach and that its message will carried by the winds.

My prayer for Gabriel is that he is surrounded by God's glorious light in Heaven.

The only other thing I could ever ask for, is for God to show me mercy, by allowing me to join him there one day.

Stillbirth Remembrance Day 2012

In the United States, today, September 6th, is Stillbirth Remembrance Day.

I am lighting a candle today for our baby Gabriel who was stillborn and for all other babies who came into this world silently. 

My heart is with you today little ones. 

...Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

~Luke 12:6 

For more information about this special day, click here.

A Prayer for All Our Children

In the days and even weeks to follow Gabriel's death, I was too busy taking care of myself and my husband to think past our little home.

But now, nearly 7 weeks later, I am realizing more and more everyday that we are not alone. There are so many others who feel our pain, who feel our loss, who know what it feels like to live life with never ending heart ache.

Doesn't it just feel relentless at times?

I wish at least a hundred times everyday, that I wasn't a part of this. I wish that I was still that young girl who believed that bad things happened to other people... way way way over there (not here in "saved by the statistics land"). Instead, I feel like I have aged into a wise old woman overnight.

Ignorance and bliss have sailed out of my life, for good.

But I do feel grateful for so many things... for all the lessons I have learned, for the friends I have made, for the growth in my relationship with God, for the support that I have found, for the beauty that remains behind, for the sacred moment in time I had with Gabriel.

In the end, I know I'll be a better person. If not from the lessons, then for my son. I think he has saved me in so many ways. I want to move towards Heaven through my day-to-day life here on earth. I want to grow towards God, so that I can be with Him and Gabriel one day, and so that when that day comes, my son will be proud of me. I desperately want to find the meaning my life was destined to have.

I just know that other BL mommies must feel the same way. And how my heart hurts for all of them, all of you.

I thought it would be nice to say a prayer for our children. I've been meaning to write one for awhile and since I've been reflecting on God and the BL community recently, I thought today would be the right time.

For all of our angel babies...

Father, 
Your children here on earth feel such longing for their babies up in Heaven.
There are so few comforts that can ease their pain.
Some need strength, some need faith, some need understanding.
But what every parent wants most, is the knowledge that their child is leading the happiest and fullest life possible. 
I pray that all babies who have left their mother's arms for your Glory, have found eternal life at your feet.
I pray that they are in a place safe from pain and fear.
I pray that they know your Heavenly love, as well as, the love that fills their parents' hearts.
Lord, give them everything they need and deprive them of nothing they could ever want.
Provide them with an abundance of compassion, joy, and warmth.
May their laughter fill every corner of your Heavenly home.
May their lives be touched by radiant beauty and the everlasting peace that only You can provide.
And may their spirits continually send us messages of hope for an eternal future together. 
Amen.