Halloween

Since Gabriel was due on October 3rd, one of the things I was really looking forward to was being able to dress him up for Halloween.

*Sigh*

:(

Tonight I lit Gabriel's jack-o-lantern and some little pumpkin candles for other angels as a way to celebrate Halloween. I just had to do something for Gabriel today. It really breaks my heart that he's missing out on days like today. Dressing up, Trick-or-Treating, Eating a bucket full of candy... The simple things in life that we all take for granted... well, used to take for granted.

Big Halloween hugs to everybody... I know we're all missing our babies a little extra today.

Wishing a Happy Halloween to all of our little pumpkins in Heaven!

Capture Your Grief, Day 31: Sunset

Today is October 31, and the last day of Capture Your Grief. I can't believe it's over already! Even more unbelievable is that I posted pictures for each of the 31 days. Of course, Gabriel was my motivation. I feel like this project gave me something to do for him. It gave me those few minutes everyday to be closer to him, to think just about him and nothing else.

It has been surprisingly healing to go on this photo journey over the past 31 days. It's been challenging and inspirational, as well.

Thank you to everyone who participated along with me and who took the time to read my posts and view my pictures.

One last photo.

One final moment of grief captured.

         ~ Every sunset brings me one day closer to you ~

Capture Your Grief, Day 30: My Grief

I need to grieve the loss of my precious son.
I cannot hold him.
I cannot wrap him in a blanket and snuggle him close to my heart.
I cannot whisper "I love you" in his ear while he drifts off to sleep in my arms.
I cannot tickle his belly and hear the sweetness of his laugh.
I cannot comfort him with my soothing love when he cries out for me.
But I can love him. And I do so, every single moment of every single day.
I can grieve his loss, my empty arms, and my broken heart.
I can remember him. On his birthdays and the 364 days in between.
I can say his name with pride.
I can share his story.
I can keep part of him alive. His spirit. His beauty. His sacred memory.
I can show the world that I have a son who I love,
With every fragment of my heart and throughout every corner of my being.
Because even though he may not know my love yet,
I can still be his mother.
I can always be his mother.

Capture Your Grief, Day 29: Music

I wasn't able to pick just one song for today, so I'm sharing the playlist of songs I made for Gabriel. All of these songs remind me of him for different reasons. If you're interested in the meaning behind this playlist, there's more about each song below. Otherwise, feel free to scroll down to listen to the songs!

Touch the Sky is from the movie, Brave. This was the last movie we saw at the theater while I was pregnant. Gabriel was so active when we saw movies that we were worried the loud noises bothered him. We couldn't help but laugh because it was so cute how he squirmed and kicked nonstop.

Kiss the Rain is one of my husband's favorite songs. After we found out that Gabriel lost his amniotic fluid because he wasn't able to pee, we started playing him this song by putting big headphones on my belly. We thought maybe the sound of the waterfall would make him feel like peeing. This song reminds me of all the hope we had during those ten weeks. Every time we went for another ultrasound appointment, we thought there would be an improvement. We were always so hopeful on the way there, and so heartbroken on the way home.

I've always loved Imagine by John Lennon. When I was pregnant, I played this song for Gabriel and cried as I listened to the lyrics, I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Shout to the Lord is another song I used to play for Gabriel when I was pregnant. Looking back there are so many songs I wish Gabriel had the chance to hear. It's the little things, like listening to music that Gabriel will never do here on earth, that make me the saddest. For some reason, when I was pregnant I could never think of any songs to play for him. I remember one day I thought to play him this song. No clue why, but I'm happy I did. I have a lot of regrets, but the one thing I'm so thankful I did was to introduce him to God.

Shortly after Gabriel died, I started listening to I Will Carry You, by Selah. I listened to it over and over again wishing Gabriel was still with us so I could play it for him. This song will always be a reminder of those early days of raw pain and overwhelming grief.

I'm not sure when I started associating Gabriel with stars and light, but now, whenever I see a star I think of him. I love the song Starchild so much that I used it for his slideshow video. I also love the Twinkle Lullaby by the Piano Guys which is such a beautiful version of the classic children's song.

A couple weeks after Gabriel died, I was driving and heard Elton John's, Your Song on the radio. It made me think of Gabriel and now whenever I hear it, it reminds me of him. This song makes me wish I had been a musician so I could have written a song just for Gabriel. I recently found this version by Ellie Goulding which I like because it changes the lyrics from man to girl.

My Angel Gabriel, by Lamb is so far, the only song I have found with his name. It reminds me not just of my Gabriel, but also of the Archangel Gabriel who I know is very close to my son. My favorite line is, I can shine even in the darkness, because it reminds me that the light of Gabriel's beautiful and wondrous life will always outshine the darkness of his death.

Recently I came across the song, A Hundred Thousand Angels by Bliss. To me, it sounds Heavenly and I imagine if there is music in Heaven it must sound like this. I also love the image of a hundred thousand angels watching over our children. The lyrics are incredibly beautiful. You can read them here.

The last song, Lord When You Came to the Seashore, is one that I heard at a church a few weeks ago. It reminded me of Gabriel since I associate him with the beach. The lyrics, All I treasured, I have left on the sand there, made me think of when I write Gabriel's name in the sand.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Capture Your Grief, Day 28: Memory

It saddens me to know that time is slowly robbing me of my memories of the 7 months I had with Gabriel. I am slowly writing down everything I can remember because I fear one day I will forget. My greatest memory is of course the day that Gabriel was placed in my arms. But I have chosen two different memories to write about today as I feel like I've already written quite a bit about Gabriel's birth.

The first memory isn't part of this project, but I wanted to include it as an introduction. The second memory I am sharing because it's only when I look back on it now, that I realize that it was the starting point of my grief journey. 

When I think back on the early weeks of my pregnancy, it seems like it was years ago. The joy, excitement, and anticipation all seem so distant now. However, there is one beautiful memory that is still so vivid. It was the day of my 10-week ultrasound. I remember taking a pregnancy test that morning because I wanted to be sure that I was still pregnant before my ultrasound. The double lines formed instantly. Definitely pregnant! 

I remember it was an early Monday morning. I had to schedule the appointment before work, because we weren't telling anyone yet that I was pregnant. My husband and I drove together because he wanted to be there for the first ultrasound. When the technician came to get me, she said the room was very small and asked my husband to stay in the waiting room. I didn't think it was a big deal. I figured he could see the pictures later and there would be more ultrasounds in the future. (Had I only known.) So I went by myself to the exam room, more excited than ever to see our baby for the first time. As soon as she placed the wand on my belly, an image of the baby immediately popped up on the screen. It was incredible. I saw his tiny body and he actually looked like a baby. Just over 3 centimeters long, but he was already perfect. Later, I heard our baby's heart beat and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard...the sound of my baby's life. 

That first ultrasound was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I can't recall ever feeling so happy. I hope that I can always have this memory. As long as I do, I will cherish it. 

The second memory is of my mid-pregnancy ultrasound. This appointment was also on a Monday morning. May 14, 2012. By this time, everyone at my office knew about the pregnancy, so I made arrangements to leave work mid-morning for a couple hours. Everyone at work wished me luck and I happily replied that I'd be back soon with news of the baby's sex. I remember thinking that I wouldn't be able to tell anyone until I was able to talk to my husband first.

I was so excited to get to see the baby again. My first ultrasound had been such a wonderful experience. I thought that this time it would be even better because the baby had grown so much. 

Once at the lab, I met the ultrasound technician. She was really sweet and we made small talk as she prepped me for the exam. She asked me where I lived. I asked her if she liked her job. Then she started the exam and mentioned something about how my bladder was full, so she asked me to go to the bathroom. When I returned, she proceeded with the exam but just moments later, she said she needed to go get the doctor. I could tell something was wrong but I had no clue just how bad things were.  

The doctor came in and he was calm and professional. He continued with the exam and mentioned something about the baby's femur measurement being short. Then he showed me the image of my baby and explained that there was something in his abdomen that wasn't supposed to be there. He said the baby might have Cystic Fibrosis, but he wasn't sure. Also, he was concerned because he couldn't see any amniotic fluid in front of the baby. I had no idea what he was talking about. I tried to remember everything he was saying, even though I couldn't understand it. I remember at one point asking the doctor if the baby could live with these complications and I clearly recall him saying the words, "probably not". 

These words shocked me. I don't know what I was expecting him to say. I guess I was looking for reassurance that my baby would be alright despite the list of complications that the doctor had just rattled off.   But instead I received the answer that no first-time mother ever expects to receive.  

I was in a numb state of shock after my appointment. I remember leaving the office and walking out of the building not knowing how to feel or what to do. I was confused and shocked and worried and helpless and heartbroken. I didn't know what to do next, so I just sat down on a bench right outside the exit and texted my husband that something was wrong with the baby, and that the doctor thought he might have Cystic Fibrosis. After I sent the text, I just sat on the bench for a few minutes staring at the pond in front of me, and tried to process all of the information I had just received. I didn't know enough back then to know that our baby's case was fatal, but I knew he wasn't healthy. I was in a situation I hadn't anticipated and I wasn't prepared for it. I don't remember exactly how I felt or what I thought about in that moment. I just remember that while I sat there, I didn't believe our baby was going to die. I wasn't in denial. I was just too naive. 

Looking back, that day was a turning point in my life.

As I have not been the same ever since. 

The view from the bench outside of the medical building where Gabriel was first diagnosed with a fatal condition

Capture Your Grief, Day 27: Artwork

Today I feel uninspired. Nothing really spoke to me. I have aspirations of decorating a wall in our home with artwork in memory of Gabriel, but so far, it's just a vision and a dream. 

I've decided to share a picture of the wood carving that my husband made at Faith's Lodge. I think it turned out really nice and I love that it was made just for Gabriel.