Capture Your Grief, Days 12 & 13: Scents & Signs

One of my biggest regrets is not bringing a special lotion or a candle or something with a scent to the hospital when I gave birth to Gabriel. I would love to associate his birth date with the fragrance of vanilla or jasmine or baby lotion. 

The only scent that I can link to Gabriel is the scent of the shirt that the nurse dressed him in after giving him a bath. I don't know what the scent is -- I'm guessing it's the soap they used to bathe him or the soap they used to wash the shirt. The scent is still so strong and I hope it never ever goes away. I leave his shirt and blanket in this memory box and always keep it closed. I'm hoping that even in 10 years, the scent will remain. It's incredible how this unique scent can bring me right back to that day -- every time I hold his shirt close to my face, I remember exactly what it felt like to breathe him in while holding him in my arms.

 

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I've only received two signs from Gabriel that I believe in my heart are true. I don't know if they were sent by God, an angel, or by Gabriel himself. But I do believe they were a sign from Heaven that Gabriel's spirit is very much alive. Both signs occurred on his due date, October 3, 2012. I've already posted about it here. I hope my story can bring comfort to others who are unsure if their babies are okay. 

Prayers for the Rainbow Baby

Losing a baby is the most unbearable loss I can think of because it's the worst thing to have ever happened to me.

But I know that there is something worse and I can only imagine what it feels like. Disappointing and devastating to the 1 millionth degree -- is there a word for that?

I have recently found out that a friend of mine may lose her rainbow baby. The baby she deserves. The child that the universe owes her, in exchange for all that she has already lost and endured with beautiful grace and faith. It's just truly not fair. It feels so cruel that the Lord will not give her a healthy living child, when she so clearly would be an amazing mother.

After you suffer the unthinkable loss of a child, shouldn't you get a free pass? No other children should ever be taken from you. The whole point of a rainbow baby is that he or she is the one you get to keep. The one who grows up here on earth. The one who makes you laugh. The one you get to cuddle and kiss and play with. Those babies shouldn't be allowed to be anything but healthy and happy. They should be here on earth bringing joy to where it is needed most: the aching hearts of grieving parents.

I am so terribly saddened at my very core to learn that another rainbow baby may not survive. Just the thought of it causes my heart to break. I don't even know how to describe the sorrow because I am so confused and so upset. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I keep asking God to let this child stay here. I fear it is not in His plan, but I pray that He is compassionate and loving, and that this rainbow and all rainbows are given the gift of life here on earth.

Many prayers today for all mamas carrying precious rainbows, that the Lord will understand that we need them here more than He needs them there.

Capture Your Grief, Days 10 & 11: Symbol and Supportive Friends & Family

It doesn't take much for me to be reminded of Gabriel. I think about him all the time. I don't really have any symbols for him, but I suppose that stars could be his symbol, since they are the "twinkles of light" that this blog is named after. I consider Gabriel to be the light of my life - the twinkle shining bright amidst all the darkness.

a star taken by the sea

I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful circle of support surrounding me. My husband has endured this loss with me and he helps me to keep Gabriel's memory alive. Our parents have helped us and have always been supportive. My girlfriends have all been so understanding and have listened to Gabriel's story with compassionate hearts. I think some of the greatest support has come from the BLMs I have never met in person. I know so little about them except that they have lost babies and their hearts are filled with love, yet I find in them a kindness I have never known before.

a card from my girlfriends -- they all chipped in and donated $100 to charity in Gabriel's name

October 15th Awareness Ribbons

I have designed a few awareness ribbons and banners for October 15th!

If you like them as is, you are welcome to download them HERE at my Facebook page.

If you would like one personalized for your child, just let me know which one and your angel's name and I'd be happy to make one for you! If you have more than one angel, please let me know if you want their names to be together or separate.

Capture Your Grief, Day 9: Special Place

My special place is the beach, because it is where I feel closest to Gabriel. I see him in the sunsets, I feel him in the waves, I hear him in the wind. 

I love to go just to write his name in the sand and watch it slowly taken by the sea. Though his soul is in Heaven, a part of him will always be a part of this earth. He is in the sand, the water, the sky, the air, and in the very essence of the world. 

Where there is beauty, I am sure to find him...

Capture Your Grief, Day 8: Jewelry

My favorite piece of jewelry is my necklace with Gabriel's footprint engraved on the front and his name and birth date on the back. When it arrived in the mail and I opened the small box it came in, I recognized it immediately as Gabriel's unique footprint and I was so happy.

This necklace represents the imprint that Gabriel has permanently left on my heart. And I feel proud and honored to wear it.