Capture Your Grief, Day 24: Siblings (Gabriel's Special Aunt in Heaven)

Since Gabriel has no siblings yet, I thought I would write about my two siblings and share the story of how the three of us became sisters.

In the summer of 1984, I traveled by plane from South Korea to Southern California. The two people I consider to be and lovingly call my parents decided to adopt two little girls through a county-run overseas adoption program. I was the first of those two girls.

A little less than two years later, my younger sister boarded her own plane from Korea to LAX. This time, the three of us drove to the airport together to pick her up. (For the next several years of my life, I thought that babies came from airports). With the arrival of my sister, Margaret, our family of four was complete.

Margaret and I had no trouble bonding and we grew up just like any other set of sisters. We shared a room and had matching twin beds. We played House together. We dressed up our Barbies together. We celebrated outrageous Christmases together. We fought over toys. We rode bikes to the local drugstore and spent our allowances on Lipsmackers and candy. Childhood for the two of us was a wonderful and happy time. We never sensed that anything or anyone was missing, as our parents had done an amazing job providing for our every need.

At some point during our childhood, my younger sister and I learned we had an older sister who had died as a baby. We weren't told that much about her, just her name and the fact that she died. Back then, you weren't supposed to talk about infant loss, so we never did and honestly, it didn't seem like there was that much to say anyways. 

It is only recently, in the weeks and months to follow Gabriel's death, that I have come to learn about my older sister. One day I would like to share her story with the world, but for now her story is not mine to share and I respect my parents' wish to keep it private. 

What I would like to share is how Gabriel has changed the way I think about her. I now realize that had she not lived and died, my life would be completely different. There's no way to know if it would have been better or worse, but I can't imagine a life much better than the one I've received. I doubt I would have met my husband. I definitely would never have met my parents or my younger sister. But most importantly, I never would have had my sweet baby, Gabriel.

Ever since Gabriel left us, I often wonder what kind of impact he will have on this world. He was here for just a brief speck of time and it's hard to imagine what kind of ripples his little stone will form in the Pond of Life. But when I look back over the past 30 years, I realize just how much one baby really can change the world. Nothing good ever results from a baby's death, but infinite greatness can come from their lives. My older sister's short but precious life inspired the creation of a beautiful unexpected family and even decades later, her stone continues to form ripples of beauty, hope, love, and life.
  

Until Gabriel died, I never had any real feelings towards my older sister. To be honest, I never really thought about her that often. Losing Gabriel has made her loss more real to me. I feel like a window has been opened. I now think about her more often and can think of her as the unique person she is, not as the dead baby she was. I feel grateful that Gabriel has shown me that even though she died as a baby, she was still a human being with a beautiful soul and her life truly mattered. She has a name. She has a story. She has a legacy. And just like Gabriel, she has a family who loves and remembers her.

It might sound strange, but I'm happy that Gabriel has a very special aunt with him in Heaven. It comforts me to know that he is not alone and that my sister was there to welcome him to Heaven. I feel blessed to know that the day I'm reunited with my son will also be the day I get to meet my big sister.

My older sister's initials and the Celtic Triquetra since she's half-Irish.
The Triquetra symbolizes many trinities including the Holy Trinity, Mother-Father-Child, and Past-Present-Future.
To me, it also symbolizes 3 sisters infinitely connected.