So today I'm sad because I miss Gabriel and Poppy. And I'm sad because this isn't the Christmas I wanted. And I'm sad because I feel so extremely cheated out of everything that this day could have (should have) been.
But I also realize that today is not about me or what I want or the plans I made or the dreams I once had or all that I've lost. It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ by showing kindness and love to others. It's about generosity and spreading joy and holiday traditions. It's about celebrating with family around a tree of lights. It's about embracing your life exactly as it is and being hopeful that the future will bring many more blessings.
So even though there is so much I wish I could change about today, I feel truly grateful for everything that I would never change. I am grateful to have had my children at all and I'm grateful for dear friends who will remember them with me today. I am grateful that I can help others who are also missing their children today. I am grateful for my loving family and to have somewhere I belong on Christmas Day. I am grateful for the Christmas dinner I'll share with them tonight. I'm grateful that I'm able to give presents to those who I love. And I'm grateful that despite all the sorrow in my heart, there is still so much joy and beauty in my life... and that is a gift worth celebrating today.
What a beautiful post. Thinking about you this evening. <3
ReplyDeleteI could have written this Catherine. You have put into words exactly what I am feeling. Sending you much love and remembering Gabriel and Poppy with you xx
ReplyDeleteI know when you're a babyloss mom it gets tiresome to hear it from others, but I'm going to say it anyway: you are so strong Catherine. Truly.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you and your sweet babes. I hope the holidays were gentle for you, and allowed you time to remember and grieve as well as celebrate.