The Change

I had an unexpected epiphany the other day. I don't know why I never realized it before, but somehow over the course of the past 13 months, I lost my BLM rookie status. I'm no longer the newly bereaved mama who lost her baby a couple months ago or the person who cries uncontrollably everyday, crippled by grief. I'm no longer the newcomer in an unfamiliar land, too frightened to move forward, too lost to find my way.

Lately, I've noticed a lot of new babyloss blogs and ministries have been created and it seems like the internet is full of heartbreaking stories of recent losses. Reading these stories makes my loss feel so distant, like it occurred ages ago. I've become so used to seeing 2011 and 2012 loss dates that I'm slightly taken aback whenever I see a 2013 loss date. I guess I just naturally associate babyloss with the year 2012 because that's the year when my loss occurred. Because of this, I never really gave much thought to the fact that 2013 would sadly be for many, what 2012 was for me.

This shift is a change I never thought much about. I know that sadly, not a day goes by where babies are not lost. I'm aware that pregnancy and infant loss is something that occurs every minute of everyday. I guess I just didn't realize how much time has an effect on where we reside in the babyloss community. I'm finding it difficult to describe what this change is like. It feels a little bit like returning to high school as a sophomore and watching the new freshmen class curiously wander the hallways where I've already roamed for an entire year. Seeing them makes me realize how far I've come in a year, but it also reminds me of what I was like when I first got here.

Honestly, there are days when it's just too painful to think about the past. To allow myself to reflect on the days following Gabriel's death when I cried so much that my face physically hurt. It's difficult to think about how depressed I once felt, how confused I once was, how weak and scared I used to be. But knowing that I survived and seeing how far I've come gives me hope for the future and wisdom to help others.

Even though I will always be grateful for the strength that I gained and the lessons that I learned when I was a timid newcomer in this strange new land, I feel so blessed to have come so far, to be able to leave part of the pain in the past, to lead where I once followed and to look back and see where once I was too fearful to take one step, I have now taken thousands. Where once I walked around aimlessly, I have now found a purpose in this journey and a reason to keep going.

Alaska Vacation Photo Journal

For our summer vacation this year, we went on a cruise to Alaska with the rest of my family. My parents, sister and brother-in-law all went with us which was really nice. We went on Holland America's Westerdam ship which sailed from Seattle to Juneau, Glacier Bay National Park, Sitka, Ketchikan and Victoria.

The weather was really warm and sunny for most of the trip which felt really strange. I was expecting it to be much colder and rainy, but we ended up having gorgeous weather the whole time.

As for Alaska itself, it was absolutely breathtaking and like nowhere I've ever been before. It was so exciting to get so close to nature and wildlife and see animals in their natural environment. Overall, our trip was adventurous but also really relaxing and peaceful. The cruise moved at a slow pace which was nice and we had plenty of time at each of the ports to experience each city.

Of course we took tons of photos and wrote Gabriel's name whenever we had the chance to. Even though he couldn't be with us physically, he was definitely there in spirit.


Here is the photo journal of our Alaskan vacation:

Alaska
August 10  - August 17, 2013

SUNDAY:

On our first morning at sea, we woke up early to watch the sunrise from our balcony. It ended up being the only really good sunrise the entire trip. Most mornings it was just too foggy or cloudy to see anything.

About five minutes later, we watched the sun rise again as it peeked out from behind the mountains. 

MONDAY:

Our first port of call was Juneau, Alaska which was a lot smaller than I thought it would be. The downtown area is mostly comprised of shops, bars and restaurants. 

We took the Mount Roberts Tramway 1800 feet up to the top of Mount Roberts. Once there we took the trail further up the mountain. It felt like we were standing on top of the world. 

There, we carved Gabriel's name in the wood of the ledge overlooking the port. 

Also, in Juneau, we had dinner at a local salmon bake which was held in this beautiful rainforest. About 100 feet from where we ate, we discovered this beautiful waterfall. 

We used a river rock to write Gabriel's name and then left it in the stream.

TUESDAY:

We spent the entire day at sea while the ship sailed around Glacier Bay National Park. We were blessed with an amazing view from our stateroom balcony. 

We stopped for about half an hour at Margerie Glacier which was spectacular. We got there just in time to witness an enormous piece of ice break away from the glacier and fall into the sea. 

This is a video my sister took of the glacier calving. 

WEDNESDAY:

Our next port of call was Sitka, Alaska. We pulled into the port very early in the morning and the weather was extremely cloudy and foggy. 

But by the time we got off the ship, it was hot and sunny. 

We had a little bit of time before our scheduled boat tour, so we decided to take a walk to Swan Lake, where we saw dozens of ducks (but no swans). 

Before leaving, we used stones to spell out Gabriel's name on the bank of the lake. 

Then we headed back to the port to meet up with my sister and brother-in-law. The four of us spent the remainder of our time in Sitka on a boat tour that took us around the islands where we saw sea otters, humpback whales and bald eagles.

THURSDAY:

Our final Alaskan port of call was Ketchikan where we took a guided hike through the Alaskan Rainforest Sanctuary and got our first glimpse of Alaskan rain. 

Most of the tour was learning about the plant life in the rainforest, but we were lucky to see a black bear catching salmon in a stream near the trail. 

I also spotted a purple cosmo just as we were leaving the rainforest... a little reminder that Gabriel is with us wherever we go :)

FRIDAY:

We spent the majority of our last day at sea sailing out of Alaska and into Canada. The sky was especially beautiful as we sailed down to Victoria. 

Before stopping in Victoria, we spelled out Gabriel's name on our balcony window as we passed by the coast of Washington. 

We ended up getting to Victoria later than expected due to stronger than expected headwinds. Because of the delay, it was dark by the time we got there so we only spent about an hour off the ship. 

We decided to go for a walk and ended up at Fisherman's Wharf.

SATURDAY:

Saturday morning, we had to disembark the ship in Seattle where we had boarded just one week prior. 

Even though the time went by way too quickly, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to visit such a beautiful and magical place. I hope that one day I'll be blessed to return to Alaska.

Waiting in the Wind

There are moments when I sense that he is still here.

I can't see him, but I can feel that he is close. I feel the breeze on my neck, hear it whooshing past my face, and I can't help but wonder if this is his way of communicating with me. His way of staying close to me.

Is he trying to tell me that he's okay? That he's still alive.

That his spirit is all around me. That his soul is immortal. That he is part of every breath I take.

Or is it just the wind? The same wind that even mothers who have never lost a baby can feel.

Sometimes I wonder how much of the mystery of heaven is truth, how much is faith and how much is grief trapping me in denial for my own sanity. How much of his presence is my subconscious mind, unable to ever let him go.

This is why I question my own faith. Because I don't know if I have faith because I believe or because I need to believe. Because I am desperate beyond rationality.

I don't know if I feel him in the wind, see him in the glow of the sunset, hear him in the crashing waves because he is always on my mind, because it is I who is seeking a glimpse of him.

Or because it is him who has come back to find me. Is heaven perhaps not a palace in the sky, but rather the freedom to fly in the wind that brushes against those who need you most.

Though the truth is a mystery never to be solved, I like to think that I feel him close by during certain moments because he is with me.

Because it's hard to accept that someone who is so loved could ever die.

Because it's so much sweeter to imagine that he never really left.

Because maybe he's not lost.

Maybe he's just waiting in the wind.

Gabriel's 1st Birthday

As most of you know, yesterday was Gabriel's 1st birthday. I'm still in disbelief that a whole year has passed already. I hate to use cliches but it really does feel like it was just yesterday that I was laying in the hospital bed preparing to give birth to him. It feels so strange to think that if Gabriel had survived, I'd have a 1 year old baby today. It's difficult to even imagine what that would be like and how different my life would be. But even though he couldn't be here, we wanted to make the day as beautiful and joyous as possible.

Thank you RaeAnne

Since this was his 1st birthday, I really wanted it to be extra special and a day to start new traditions. I didn't want to spend the day being sad or missing him. Instead, I wanted it to be all about Gabriel and celebrating his precious life and I think for the most part it was. The entire day was very peaceful and beautiful and we were able to do everything that we had planned.

The most important thing was getting his birthday video uploaded to YouTube on time. For the past few months, we've been working on a video using photos that we've been taking to symbolize Gabriel's life and legacy. I haven't been keeping track of how much time we've spent, but my guess is that it took us about 100 hours, maybe a bit more if you count the photos that were taken but not included in the final video. Needless to say we've been working really hard the past few weeks to make sure it would be finished by Gabriel's birthday. That's been our goal all along and though that seemed reasonable three months ago, it definitely became very challenging towards the end.

I stayed up late on Thursday night to finish editing the video and uploaded it to YouTube before I went to bed. When I woke up yesterday morning it was ready to share. I was so happy to be able to successfully share the video on the morning of his birthday. (You can read more about it and watch it here if you'd like.)

The other thing we had to do yesterday morning was to finish his cake. We decided we wanted to decorate his cake to look like a beach and then "write" his name in the sand. I thought making an angel food cake would be a cute tradition to start, so that's officially become the cake we'll be making each year for Gabriel's birthday. The top of the cake is decorated with lots of frosting, as well as cookies, whipped cream, graham cracker crumbs, brown sugar and white sugar. My husband, being the chef in the family, ended up doing most of the work and I think he did such a good job, especially with the little decorations.

After finishing the cake, we walked to our local diner and had breakfast. Another tradition I wanted to start this year was to eat bacon and eggs for breakfast, because that's what I was preparing the morning I went into labor with Gabriel. I didn't get a chance to actually eat breakfast that morning but for some reason bacon and eggs is the one meal that reminds me of Gabriel the most. Even though my husband doesn't really like bacon (I know he's weird) and even though I'm not really supposed to be eating it, we both agreed that it was must-do for Gabriel's birthday. 

After breakfast, we went to buy his birthday balloons. We decided to release them at the Korean Bell of Friendship here in San Pedro, which looking back, probably wasn't the best location to choose. It's always really windy there because it's located on a hill overlooking the ocean. It was a struggle to hold onto the balloons but I really wanted to wait to release them at precisely 2:11 so they would be flying at the exact time that Gabriel was born. Waiting totally paid off! Right before we released the balloons, a huge flock of 20 or so pelicans soared by in the background. It was so special that they flew by at just the right time. 

On the way home, we stopped at the church to visit Gabriel's memorial candle. We haven't been in awhile, so it was really nice to be able to go to just pause for awhile and reflect back on the day of his birth. 

After that, we went home because we both desperately needed to take a nap before going to the beach for the evening. The one thing that I absolutely had to do yesterday was watch the sunset at the beach. I was really hoping for a cloudless evening, but as usual there were storm clouds over the horizon. We were able to take a picture of his name in the sand just as the sun was peeking out from underneath the clouds. And just as the sun was setting beneath the horizon, it turned a glorious bright red. It was spectacular to watch, but not especially easy to photograph.

Just like the past year, the day went by so quickly! I'm grateful that I was able to spend the entire day with my husband celebrating our beautiful little boy and to have friends and family who thought of him as well. 

Thank you to everyone who remembered Gabriel's birthday yesterday and for all the lovely comments and photos. 

Thank you Shauna

Celebrating Gabriel

For the past few months, my husband and I have been working really hard, taking hundreds of photos in order to create this video for Gabriel's 1st Birthday. I'm so glad that we were able to finish it on time to share it on his birthday.

This is the story of Gabriel's gestation, life, birth, death and legacy, told through the animation of 1,357 photographs.

Thank you for watching and for keeping Gabriel in your heart today on his special day.

YouTube version (with option to watch in HD):


Vimeo Version (for cell phones):

Celebrating Gabriel from Catherine McVerry on Vimeo.

(Music by Helen Jane Long // All photographs are subject to U.S. standard copyright laws // All photos taken with iPhone 4s and Hipstamatic)

All I Know

As the months go by, it's getting increasingly harder to imagine what he would look like. He was such a tiny little thing when he was born that there's just no possible way to know what he would have looked like as an almost-12 month old baby. It saddens me to know that I probably wouldn't even recognize him if I were to see him today. He'd be crawling, giggling, curiously eyeing the world through big brown eyes. He'd have lots of dark hair and chubby cheeks. He would have his own set of baby teeth and would be snacking on Cheerios and bananas. But who he would be is a person that sadly, I'll never know.

He doesn't have a favorite toy or a favorite book. He doesn't love to sing or dance. He doesn't have a first word. He isn't a happy baby or a squirmy baby or any kind of baby. He's my son, my very own flesh and blood, but I don't know him. All I know is that no matter who he would have been, I would have done anything to make him happy. I would have held his hand as he struggled to take his first steps. I would have cuddled him close during the difficult weeks of teething. I would have read him his favorite story ten times a day. I would have taken him to the beach and dipped his feet in the water. I would have shown him the birds and the flowers and the clouds.

In my mind, there's a long list of things I would have loved to do with him. But really it's the little things that I wish for the most. If only I could have heard him cry, or watched him wake up in the early morning, or taught him how to say "mama," then maybe, just maybe I would have some understanding of who he is.

There's so much that I'll never know.

All I know is that I love him with my whole heart.

And that I would do anything to have him back.