There are moments when I sense that he is still here.
I can't see him, but I can feel that he is close. I feel the breeze on my neck, hear it whooshing past my face, and I can't help but wonder if this is his way of communicating with me. His way of staying close to me.
Is he trying to tell me that he's okay? That he's still alive.
That his spirit is all around me. That his soul is immortal. That he is part of every breath I take.
Or is it just the wind? The same wind that even mothers who have never lost a baby can feel.
Sometimes I wonder how much of the mystery of heaven is truth, how much is faith and how much is grief trapping me in denial for my own sanity. How much of his presence is my subconscious mind, unable to ever let him go.
This is why I question my own faith. Because I don't know if I have faith because I believe or because I need to believe. Because I am desperate beyond rationality.
I don't know if I feel him in the wind, see him in the glow of the sunset, hear him in the crashing waves because he is always on my mind, because it is I who is seeking a glimpse of him.
Or because it is him who has come back to find me. Is heaven perhaps not a palace in the sky, but rather the freedom to fly in the wind that brushes against those who need you most.
Though the truth is a mystery never to be solved, I like to think that I feel him close by during certain moments because he is with me.
Because it's hard to accept that someone who is so loved could ever die.
Because it's so much sweeter to imagine that he never really left.
Because maybe he's not lost.
Maybe he's just waiting in the wind.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Gabriel's 1st Birthday
As most of you know, yesterday was Gabriel's 1st birthday. I'm still in disbelief that a whole year has passed already. I hate to use cliches but it really does feel like it was just yesterday that I was laying in the hospital bed preparing to give birth to him. It feels so strange to think that if Gabriel had survived, I'd have a 1 year old baby today. It's difficult to even imagine what that would be like and how different my life would be. But even though he couldn't be here, we wanted to make the day as beautiful and joyous as possible.
Since this was his 1st birthday, I really wanted it to be extra special and a day to start new traditions. I didn't want to spend the day being sad or missing him. Instead, I wanted it to be all about Gabriel and celebrating his precious life and I think for the most part it was. The entire day was very peaceful and beautiful and we were able to do everything that we had planned.
The most important thing was getting his birthday video uploaded to YouTube on time. For the past few months, we've been working on a video using photos that we've been taking to symbolize Gabriel's life and legacy. I haven't been keeping track of how much time we've spent, but my guess is that it took us about 100 hours, maybe a bit more if you count the photos that were taken but not included in the final video. Needless to say we've been working really hard the past few weeks to make sure it would be finished by Gabriel's birthday. That's been our goal all along and though that seemed reasonable three months ago, it definitely became very challenging towards the end.
I stayed up late on Thursday night to finish editing the video and uploaded it to YouTube before I went to bed. When I woke up yesterday morning it was ready to share. I was so happy to be able to successfully share the video on the morning of his birthday. (You can read more about it and watch it here if you'd like.)
The other thing we had to do yesterday morning was to finish his cake. We decided we wanted to decorate his cake to look like a beach and then "write" his name in the sand. I thought making an angel food cake would be a cute tradition to start, so that's officially become the cake we'll be making each year for Gabriel's birthday. The top of the cake is decorated with lots of frosting, as well as cookies, whipped cream, graham cracker crumbs, brown sugar and white sugar. My husband, being the chef in the family, ended up doing most of the work and I think he did such a good job, especially with the little decorations.
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| Thank you RaeAnne |
The most important thing was getting his birthday video uploaded to YouTube on time. For the past few months, we've been working on a video using photos that we've been taking to symbolize Gabriel's life and legacy. I haven't been keeping track of how much time we've spent, but my guess is that it took us about 100 hours, maybe a bit more if you count the photos that were taken but not included in the final video. Needless to say we've been working really hard the past few weeks to make sure it would be finished by Gabriel's birthday. That's been our goal all along and though that seemed reasonable three months ago, it definitely became very challenging towards the end.
I stayed up late on Thursday night to finish editing the video and uploaded it to YouTube before I went to bed. When I woke up yesterday morning it was ready to share. I was so happy to be able to successfully share the video on the morning of his birthday. (You can read more about it and watch it here if you'd like.)
After finishing the cake, we walked to our local diner and had breakfast. Another tradition I wanted to start this year was to eat bacon and eggs for breakfast, because that's what I was preparing the morning I went into labor with Gabriel. I didn't get a chance to actually eat breakfast that morning but for some reason bacon and eggs is the one meal that reminds me of Gabriel the most. Even though my husband doesn't really like bacon (I know he's weird) and even though I'm not really supposed to be eating it, we both agreed that it was must-do for Gabriel's birthday.
After breakfast, we went to buy his birthday balloons. We decided to release them at the Korean Bell of Friendship here in San Pedro, which looking back, probably wasn't the best location to choose. It's always really windy there because it's located on a hill overlooking the ocean. It was a struggle to hold onto the balloons but I really wanted to wait to release them at precisely 2:11 so they would be flying at the exact time that Gabriel was born. Waiting totally paid off! Right before we released the balloons, a huge flock of 20 or so pelicans soared by in the background. It was so special that they flew by at just the right time.
On the way home, we stopped at the church to visit Gabriel's memorial candle. We haven't been in awhile, so it was really nice to be able to go to just pause for awhile and reflect back on the day of his birth.
After that, we went home because we both desperately needed to take a nap before going to the beach for the evening. The one thing that I absolutely had to do yesterday was watch the sunset at the beach. I was really hoping for a cloudless evening, but as usual there were storm clouds over the horizon. We were able to take a picture of his name in the sand just as the sun was peeking out from underneath the clouds. And just as the sun was setting beneath the horizon, it turned a glorious bright red. It was spectacular to watch, but not especially easy to photograph.
Just like the past year, the day went by so quickly! I'm grateful that I was able to spend the entire day with my husband celebrating our beautiful little boy and to have friends and family who thought of him as well.
Thank you to everyone who remembered Gabriel's birthday yesterday and for all the lovely comments and photos.
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| Thank you Shauna |
Friday, July 19, 2013
Celebrating Gabriel
For the past few months, my husband and I have been working really hard, taking hundreds of photos in order to create this video for Gabriel's 1st Birthday. I'm so glad that we were able to finish it on time to share it on his birthday.
This is the story of Gabriel's gestation, life, birth, death and legacy, told through the animation of 1,357 photographs.
Thank you for watching and for keeping Gabriel in your heart today on his special day.
YouTube version (with option to watch in HD):
Vimeo Version (for cell phones):
Celebrating Gabriel from Catherine McVerry on Vimeo.
(Music by Helen Jane Long // All photographs are subject to U.S. standard copyright laws // All photos taken with iPhone 4s and Hipstamatic)
This is the story of Gabriel's gestation, life, birth, death and legacy, told through the animation of 1,357 photographs.
Thank you for watching and for keeping Gabriel in your heart today on his special day.
YouTube version (with option to watch in HD):
Vimeo Version (for cell phones):
Celebrating Gabriel from Catherine McVerry on Vimeo.
(Music by Helen Jane Long // All photographs are subject to U.S. standard copyright laws // All photos taken with iPhone 4s and Hipstamatic)
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
All I Know
As the months go by, it's getting increasingly harder to imagine what he would look like. He was such a tiny little thing when he was born that there's just no possible way to know what he would have looked like as an almost-12 month old baby. It saddens me to know that I probably wouldn't even recognize him if I were to see him today. He'd be crawling, giggling, curiously eyeing the world through big brown eyes. He'd have lots of dark hair and chubby cheeks. He would have his own set of baby teeth and would be snacking on Cheerios and bananas. But who he would be is a person that sadly, I'll never know.
He doesn't have a favorite toy or a favorite book. He doesn't love to sing or dance. He doesn't have a first word. He isn't a happy baby or a squirmy baby or any kind of baby. He's my son, my very own flesh and blood, but I don't know him. All I know is that no matter who he would have been, I would have done anything to make him happy. I would have held his hand as he struggled to take his first steps. I would have cuddled him close during the difficult weeks of teething. I would have read him his favorite story ten times a day. I would have taken him to the beach and dipped his feet in the water. I would have shown him the birds and the flowers and the clouds.
In my mind, there's a long list of things I would have loved to do with him. But really it's the little things that I wish for the most. If only I could have heard him cry, or watched him wake up in the early morning, or taught him how to say "mama," then maybe, just maybe I would have some understanding of who he is.
There's so much that I'll never know.
All I know is that I love him with my whole heart.
And that I would do anything to have him back.
He doesn't have a favorite toy or a favorite book. He doesn't love to sing or dance. He doesn't have a first word. He isn't a happy baby or a squirmy baby or any kind of baby. He's my son, my very own flesh and blood, but I don't know him. All I know is that no matter who he would have been, I would have done anything to make him happy. I would have held his hand as he struggled to take his first steps. I would have cuddled him close during the difficult weeks of teething. I would have read him his favorite story ten times a day. I would have taken him to the beach and dipped his feet in the water. I would have shown him the birds and the flowers and the clouds.
In my mind, there's a long list of things I would have loved to do with him. But really it's the little things that I wish for the most. If only I could have heard him cry, or watched him wake up in the early morning, or taught him how to say "mama," then maybe, just maybe I would have some understanding of who he is.
There's so much that I'll never know.
All I know is that I love him with my whole heart.
And that I would do anything to have him back.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
My Report on Hirschsprung's Disease
Our final assignment for Human Biology was to write a paper about a disease of the human body, specifically how it's diagnosed, treatment options and patient prognosis. Because Gabriel was diagnosed with it, I decided to write about Hirschsprung’s Disease. After spending weeks learning about the human body, I feel like I have a much better understanding of how and why things sometimes go wrong and after writing this paper I have an entirely new perspective on this disease. I understand now that we truly have no control over our genes and the chromosomes that randomly combine to form our children. As much as I wish Gabriel had been a healthy baby, I also realize that there is no other combination of genes that could have resulted in him. In other words, there is no version of Gabriel without Hirschsprung’s Disease. And for some reason, that makes me want learn more about Hirschsprung’s, to spread awareness of it, and to shed my feelings of anger and bitterness towards it.
(We were supposed to write our papers in "normal" non-medical language, but it was surprisingly difficult to do so after being immersed in anatomy for the past month. But hopefully this is a pretty comprehensible report even if you don't know anything about the digestive system.)
Hirschsprung’s Disease
Hirschsprung’s Disease is
a rare gastrointestinal disorder that affects the large intestine, most
commonly the upper rectum or both the rectum and the sigmoid colon. Undigested
food, water and other waste products are moved through the large intestine via
peristalsis, which is a wave-like motion that propels stool forward so that it
can be eliminated from the body. In order for the brain to coordinate
peristalsis in the gastrointestinal tract, it relies on special nerve cells
called ganglion nerves that line the walls of the entire gastrointestinal
tract. During early fetal development, these ganglion nerves are formed
throughout the entire GI tract, beginning with the mouth and ending with the
anus. In babies affected by Hirschsprung’s Disease, the ganglion nerves do not
finish forming during fetal development, resulting in an inability for the
brain to induce peristalsis in the lower part of the intestinal tract. Because
there is no other way for stool to pass through the large intestines,
oftentimes it will become obstructed in the area where ganglion nerves are
absent.
Because a person is born
with Hirschsprung’s Disease, doctors can usually diagnose a baby with this
condition shortly after birth. Newborns are often suspected of having
Hirschsprung’s Disease if they are unable to pass meconium (the substance that
is responsible for a newborn’s first bowel movement), within 24-48 hours
post-birth. Oftentimes this inability to pass meconium is accompanied by one or
more additional symptoms such as vomiting, abdominal distention, diarrhea, jaundice,
fever and lack of appetite. Nowadays, babies are not permitted to leave the
hospital if they are unable to pass meconium and it is routine to check for
disorders including Hirschsprung’s Disease if a newborn baby presents any of
these symptoms.
Doctors can run a few
basic tests to confirm the diagnosis of Hirschsprung’s Disease. Because
Hirschsprung’s Disease is characterized by the absence of ganglion nerve cells in the
large intestine, a biopsy of intestinal tissue is the best way to verify
suspicions. Doctors remove a small piece of the lining of the large
intestine and then use a microscope to check for the presence of ganglion nerve
cells. If ganglion nerves are seen, then Hirschsprung’s Disease can be ruled
out as an explanation for the blockage. Instead if ganglion nerves are missing,
the doctor can confirm that the child does indeed have Hirschsprung’s Disease.
There are a few other
tests that doctors can perform if they believe that a baby has this condition.
Abdominal x-rays are sometimes used to check for intestinal dilation which
signifies an intestinal blockage. Abnormal dilation of the colon is called
megacolon, the presence of which can be an indication of a serious GI disorder
such as Hirschsprung’s Disease. For some x-rays, doctors may administer a
barium enema beforehand, which involves injecting barium (a metallic liquid)
into the rectum and then using an x-ray to view the intestines. The barium
gives doctors a clearer image of the intestinal wall. Also, if Hirschsprung’s
Disease is suspected in an older child, a doctor may order an anorectal
manometry test. During this test, a small sensor is placed in the rectum and a
computer is used to measure the pressure and strength of the anal and rectal
muscles. Often, children with Hirschsprung’s Disease have a failure of the
relaxation reflex of the internal anal sphincter, a small muscle that relaxes
in order to initiate the elimination of stool from the body. In this case, a
rectal biopsy would be necessary to confirm the diagnosis of
Hirschsprung’s Disease.
If a baby is diagnosed
shortly after birth, there is a high chance that they will respond well to
treatment. Current treatment involves surgery in which surgeons remove the
segment of the colon and rectum that is missing ganglion nerve cells. They then
surgically attach the end of the remaining intestine to the anus. Depending on
how much of the intestinal tract is missing ganglion nerves, doctors may be
able to perform laparoscopic (minimally invasive) surgery or they may be able
to perform a transanal “pull-through” in which they operate on the intestines
through the anus. Other times, they may need to make an incision through the
abdomen in order to remove the necessary part of the intestines. In some cases,
a child may also require an operation called an ostomy if the doctors are
concerned about an infection in the intestines or if the intestines are
extremely dilated. An ostomy involves making a small opening in the belly,
called a stoma, and attaching the end of the intestines to this opening. This
allows stool to pass out of the body into an attached pouch, so that the
intestines can be washed out and have time to heal. It usually takes a few
months to a year for the intestines to fully heal and once they do, doctors can
then perform the necessary pull-through surgery. After surgery, children are
administered pain medication temporarily, but they do not require any lifelong
medication.
Fortunately, most patients
are able to fully recover from surgery and go on to have normal bowel habits.
In some cases, people may suffer from chronic constipation, diarrhea or enterocolitis,
which is an inflammation of the large intestines. Some children will die from
complications related to having Hirschsprung’s disease such as intestinal
failure, intestinal rupture and severe enterocolitis. The mortality rates
increase with the severity of the disease and among those children who have
other problems such as a congenital heart defect or Down syndrome. In mild
cases where only a small section of the colon is missing ganglion nerves and
surgery is able to be performed early on, children have an excellent rate of
survival and recovery and will ultimately grow up to have normal lives. In some
instances, children may be put on a special diet to reduce constipation or
other GI problems, but for the most part, they do not require any further
treatment.
Hirschsprung’s Disease is
an extremely rare congenital disorder that only occurs in 1 in every 5000-7000
live births. It affects males five times as often as females and children with
Down syndrome and other chromosomal anomalies are at higher risk of having it. The exact cause is unknown,
however the majority of scientists agree that it is a genetic disorder. There is a lot of
evidence to support the theory that Hirschsprung’s Disease has a hereditary
factor. For example, a couple who has a child with Hirschsprung’s Disease has on
average a 3%-25% chance of having another child who also has it. Also if one
parent has the disease, there is a greater probability that their children will
be affected. Newer research suggests the possibility that Hirschsprung’s
Disease may be autosomal dominant (resides on a non-sex chromosome and only
requires inheritance from one parent) in some families and may be caused by a
genetic mutation in other cases. Some scientists believe that Hirschsprung’s
Disease requires the mutation of at least two genes residing on two different
chromosomes. It is also possible that it is carried on the X chromosome since
it affects males at a significantly higher rate than females. Since boys only
have one X chromosome, they are more susceptible to X chromosome diseases than
girls who have two X chromosomes.
Rates of recurrence in a
family vary depending on the affected child’s gender and disease severity. A
couple is most likely to have another child with Hirschsprung’s Disease if they
already have a daughter with the most severe form of the disease, especially if
the next child is a boy. Instead if they have a son with the least severe form,
they may have as low as a 1% chance of having another child with Hirschsprung’s
Disease.
Despite growing research,
the exact cause is still unknown. So far, there are no known ways to prevent
the inheritance of Hirschsprung’s Disease and no external environmental factors
seem to be involved. There is also no cure, but genetic testing is available
for couples who want to know their risk of having a child with the disease.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Mother's Day Name Event Video
Thank you so much to everyone who participated in the Mother's Day name project! I really enjoyed and appreciated receiving so many beautiful and creative photos of Gabriel's name.
This is a tribute to all of our beautiful children and the love they've left behind:
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