His New Life

Sometimes, when I think about Gabriel's soul in Heaven, I reminisce about my years spent at college and I like to imagine that Gabriel is so happy and too busy living a new adventure, to miss us here on earth. 

During my first few weeks at college, I remember feeling so excited to be on my own. The possibilities were endless... an adventure in its earliest stages anxious to be unfolded further. College was a new life for me, and I couldn't wait to live it. To me, it was the sweet taste of freedom and independence and the opportunity to become anyone I wanted to be.

I didn't realize it then, but looking back, I'm sure my parents missed seeing me everyday, (though they often teased that they were happy to have me out of the house). It didn't really occur to me back then, but now I wonder how many times my mom worried about me whenever I took a few days too long to return her phone calls. Even though I was perfectly okay, I'm sure it was hard for my parents to go weeks without seeing me, if only because they needed reassurance that I was eating enough and hadn't done anything stupid like dye my hair pink or break my arm. 

But like most teenagers, other people weren't my biggest concern. I loved my parents, but returning their phone calls and making regular trips home wasn't on the top of my priorities list. I wanted to hang out with my friends, make new ones, stay up til 2 in the morning and eat Lucky Charms for dinner. It's not that I didn't love my parents, and it's not that I forgot about them or stopped appreciating all they had done for me. It's just simply, how do you miss your old life when your current life feels perfectly complete and is just so much better?

I wish more than anything that I could worry about Gabriel going off to college and miss him while he's just a few hundred miles away. But since he can't be here, I like to imagine that he is up in Heaven fully enjoying his new life, making new friends, dancing, laughing, playing, and running around without a care in the world. That he's so busy having fun that he doesn't even have the chance to ponder whether he misses us here on earth. But in the same way that I loved my parents despite the separation, despite the joy I was experiencing, I hope that he too loves us. I hope he has the understanding of where he came from and that he knows that I love him unconditionally. I hope in some small way he remembers his brief life inside my womb and I hope the bond we formed is a memory he treasures. But I also hope that he, like every child off on a new adventure, is so enthralled and happy that he's incapable of longing for anything except for more of the incredible life he has in Heaven.

Loss Through the Looking Glass ~ A Resource for the Babyloss Community

I was recently given the opportunity to write about Gabriel and the work I do in his memory. My beautiful friend Clara and some of her friends have a shared blog, titled "Loss Through the Looking Glass" that includes many guest posts written by bereaved parents. It really is a wonderful resource for the babyloss community, filled with many heartfelt and honest stories. For those of you who don't follow it, I highly encourage you to do so.

Read my guest post
View the blog

The Window

In my heart, in my soul, I feel cheated, maybe a little more-so than others. I feel entitled to be bitter at times because what happened to me wasn't fair. I feel like nothing makes sense anymore. I've analyzed my belief in God up and down, left and right and still can't put together a "God" that I recognize or understand. I feel comfortable with the belief that death is a part of a life, and that mistakes are an unfortunate (but necessary) part of nature. But where God fits in, I don't know. And because of that, I feel a little bit lost.

In my heart, in my soul, I wish my circumstances had been different. If I was destined to lose a child, I wish that it didn't have to be my firstborn ~ my only. I wish I knew that I could at the very least, have healthy children, a question to which the answer might very well be no. I wish I was younger. I wish I had more child-bearing years ahead of me than I have behind me. I wish I had more hope that everything will be okay.

In my heart, in my soul, I hate that nobody can tell us what happened to Gabriel, not even from a medical perspective. I hate that I have to wonder why my child died. I hate that this had to happen to me and my family. I hate that I have only questions; no answers. I hate death.

In my heart, in my soul, I am angry at fate or the universe or God or the world in general. We're taught to believe that if we do everything right, things will turn out alright. That happy endings exist for those who work hard and follow a certain path. But I did everything right, and my baby died anyways. I'm angry that my life has fallen apart and now I have to start over again, slowly piecing broken fragments back together. I'm angry that abusive, unfit, negligent parents get to keep their children, and for inexplicable reasons, I did not.

In my heart, in my soul, I miss all that I will never ever have. I miss my baby boy. I miss watching him grow up. I miss hearing his cry. I miss holding his tiny hands. I miss feeling his warmth, his life. I am missing so much, too much, that there is no possible way to write down all that I am missing. And because of this, I feel sorrow and resentment.

In my heart, in my soul, I'm a swirling cloud of grief and healing, past and present, love and hate. I'm not who I was or who I will be, but stranded in a confusing state of limbo. I'm searching for balance, for peace, for truth, but feel lost in the midst of a storm. I'm both more alive and less. I'm looking both into and out of the same window.

And I realize that it's my hand that's keeping the window shut; it's been my choice to keep it locked all along. I'm holding on to pain, sealing it in my heart, my soul. It's been my prisoner, but somehow it has imprisoned me as well.

So I wonder, if I never let the pain go, can I ever be free? And if I'm unwilling or incapable of opening the window, will love and joy ever find a way to flow back in?

Nothing about the past will ever change. Sadly this is true. But the years ahead have not been written. This life, the unwritten one, can be spent inside a prison with sorrow and heartache, agonizing over what has been lost. Or it can be spent opening the window and finding the courage and strength to leave the pain behind and fly free.

Weathering

Right now, it's mid-morning. The sky is grey and the fog is thick. Outside the temperature is at least twenty degrees cooler than it is inside, causing beads of condensation to form on the window sills. If you were standing outside at this exact moment, you wouldn't know where you were. San Francisco, Seattle, London, Paris. I'll tell you where I'd think I was. Some town near the coast, the Atlantic coast, and it's early morning when the sea air is still free to roam as it pleases.

It's dreary now. But in just a couple of hours, the fog will drift away. The sun will rise higher in the sky and the grey will slowly melt into tones of blue, until only the brightest blue you've ever seen remains. There won't be a cloud in the sky. The sun will radiate warmth and light. And here in Los Angeles on a typical day in March, it will feel like summertime. This afternoon, I'll be able to go to the beach, lay out on the sand, enjoy the sounds of a calm sea under a ceiling of endless blue. I just have to wait inside for a little longer.

Today it will be sunny, but tomorrow it might rain. Then again, tomorrow could be even sunnier than today. Despite what some may believe, I don't think it's possible to predict the weather. I don't think we can ever know in advance what tomorrow will look like, feel like, whether it will be cold and gloomy, warm and sunny, or unusually windy. But today, as I look out my window and watch the fog roll across the edge of the sky, I sense that soon this gloom will pass. I can feel it in the air. I suppose it's because I've lived here for so long. I know that sometime around 11 a.m. the sun will start to defeat the fog, the blue will find a way to overpower the grey, and the weather will turn, just as it always does.

Just as it always will.

Mother's Day Name Event ~ Creative Photo Project

To celebrate Mother's Day and the month of May, I would like to host a Name Event so we can all remember our precious babies together.

The purpose of this project is to support one another on Mother's Day, find healing and peace, remember our babies, and connect with other mamas in the babyloss community. We all love to see our babies' names written by others and hopefully find peace in sharing this simple comfort with others.

Here are the details/rules (please read before signing up):

1. To participate, you will need to creatively write the names of other angel babies and take a photo of each name.
2. In return you will receive photos of your angel's name(s). You will receive one photo for every name you write.
3. If you have more than one angel, your angels' names will be divided. For example if you have 2 angels and you choose to write 10 names, you will receive 5 photos of each of your babies' names.
4. You must physically write or spell out each name. You can use your computer to print out names as part of a craft project, but please do NOT write names digitally.
5. You can use pretty much anything to spell out names: construction paper, magazine letters, clay, rocks, wire, fabric, seashells, paint, crayons, chalk, beads, string, stickers, markers, wooden or cardstock letters, twigs, cereal, glitter, colorful sharpies... basically anything you have laying around your house, or whatever is on sale at your local craft store. Try to be creative and have fun! (I've created a Pinterest board with some really cute and easy ideas.)
6. No group photos. You can write names together, but they must be photographed individually.
7. All names do NOT have to be written the same way.
8. You will NOT have to ship anything (of course you can if you want to), but only photos are required.
9. You can post photos on your blog or public facebook page as long as others can download them. Otherwise, you will need to email your photos.
10. You can post 1 picture per day, or you can post in batches once a week, or post all of them together at one time. (All pictures must be taken and shared during the month of May.)
11. If it is not possible to spell out names or if your project requires a lot of purchased materials, you can choose to make initials only. For example instead of spelling "Gabriel", you can just write out "G" or "G.S.F."
12. Please do not get stressed out or overwhelmed by planning a major craft project. The point of this project is to experience both healing and joy, so do something that you think will be fun.

The last day to sign up will be April 18th and a list of names will be emailed to you by April 21st. (If you decide to drop out, please email me by April 30th.)

At the end of May, I'll choose 2 winners who will each receive a $20 credit to use at The Sacred Seashore. Contest rules will be emailed to all participants along with the list of names. 

SIGN UPS ARE NOW CLOSED. 

The First Step

I've really really really been meaning to post an update on how school is going so far.

Yesterday, the teacher said something about it being the 5th week of classes already and my first thought was that I haven't blogged about school yet.

For those of you who are new here, I've decided to go back to school to become a sonographer in Gabriel's memory.

Things were a little bumpy and confusing at first, but I think I've mostly got it figured out now. I'm taking my first class (Computers) and so far, it's going well. It's pretty (I mean extremely) easy, the teacher is nice and I'm not the oldest student :)

On March 21st (would greatly appreciate some reminders closer to the date), I have to attend an information workshop to learn more about the requirements of the Diagnostic Sonography major. Hopefully, all unanswered questions will be answered and I'll be able to plan out the remainder of my classes. Yay!

Starting school was one of my goals for 2013. I'm so happy (and relieved) to have taken this first step. I'm starting to realize that this is something I can actually do and that if I just keep moving forward, it won't even be that difficult. My only regret is that I wish I had thought of this sooner (and by sooner I mean 10 years ago), but then again, another part of me feels like the timing is just right. I need to do this to heal. I need to do this to keep Gabriel alive. I need to do this so that I'm doing something. I need to feel like I'm living life to the fullest, that I'm pursuing dreams, that I'm not letting his death constantly overshadow his life. I need to keep setting goals and reaching them, no matter how small or big they are.

Because I do want to change. And I do want to grow. I want to be a better person and that doesn't just miraculously happen overnight. Self-improvement take years of reaching goals, completing tasks, changing habits, breaking down barriers, and abandoning comfort zones. I'll never be the person who I want to be if I just keep complaining, feeling sorry for myself, dwelling on what I don't have, and envying others for what they do have.

I have to say that it fills me with peace and tremendous hope to envision my life in 5 years. I've had a lot of 5-year plans, but this is one that I'm going to stick to. Day by day, class by class, step by step. This is something I know I can and will accomplish.

Lastly, I'd just like to thank everyone who has supported my dream by ordering a photograph at the Sacred Seashore or by sharing it with others. I can't express how grateful I am for your love and support. Without you, this dream wouldn't and couldn't be quite as meaningful.