Three Years Ago

It's strange how a certain date can feel like yesterday and also like a lifetime ago. Some days it almost feels like it was in a different lifetime, like I was a completely different person. Other days I remember it so clearly like it just happened, rather than a distant memory. Part of me wishes I could go back three years and cherish the few weeks I had with you. Part of me just wants to look ahead and be grateful for everything I have. The truth is I remember that day being scary and sad. I remember feeling helpless and hopeless. Now I feel stronger and happier. I have so much now and yet I will never forget the day I lost you, one of my precious children. I will never fully be able to move forward without you. I will never be able to forget you. I will never want to forget you or the hope you once brought me or the immense joy I experienced when I first learned that I was chosen to be your mama. I thought you were the answer to all my prayers. And in a way, you were. Your brother is the one who ultimately became the child I always wanted, but you my sweet Poppy are the child I never knew I wanted. The child who I will always cherish, always love, always wish I could know better. I will always be proud and feel blessed to be your mama.

Happy Birthday in Heaven sweet baby! You are deeply missed and treasured always!

Four.

When I imagine you now, I see you playing soccer with your dad, learning your ABCs in preschool, coming home and asking millions of questions about how the world works. I think about all of the conversations we would be having and what kind of brother you would be to Louis. Sometimes I try to conjure up an image of a four year old version of you. I picture your round face, your bright smile, and all the little things about you that make you unique and special.

I think about all the different people you could have been. And I wonder if I'll ever know the real you or if I'll ever truly be able to understand just how immense this loss is. Will I ever really know how much I am missing? Will there ever be a time when I have all the answers that I've been seeking for so long?

Four.

Some may say that four years is a considerable passage of time. That everything and anything can change in four years. Others may say that it's barely a season. That it's merely a blink in time. But me... Well, I know only what you have taught me.

That love cannot be measured in time. That true love has no borders. That ultimately, my love for you can never end, but only grow stronger and deeper.

Happy 4th birthday baby boy! I live in a beautiful world because four years ago, I was so very blessed to cross paths with your sweet soul. 

You are so very loved. So very treasured. So very missed.

This Time... Again

It's the holiday season once more. Even though it has become easier to endure this time of year, I know for many, myself included, that after losing a child, the holidays are forever bittersweet. This year, like last year, I have my sweet boy Louis with me. He fills the house with his cries and laughter and the energy that only a little boy can possess. He runs around with curiosity in his eyes. He comes up to me and smiles for just a second before returning to his crazy antics. I dress him up in adorable red and green pajamas and watch his eyes light up when we turn on the Christmas lights.

He is a blessing. He is the blessing of all blessings. This I know.

But with all my heart, I wish there were more presents under the tree. I wish I could take one of those family photos with one child looking at the camera smiling and the other, completely oblivious, picking his nose and looking at the ceiling. I wish I had all my babies here with me. But mostly I wish this could just be happy joyous festive time. Instead of the bittersweet, wish-I-could-change-so-many-things time of the year.

Yesterday was Poppy's 2nd birthday. It feels like forever ago that we learned she was gone. I remember feeling so lucky to be pregnant again thinking that it would somehow make the holidays easier to get through. December is such a difficult month to lose a baby. It's hard, really more like impossible to get in the Christmas spirit when the one person you want to celebrate with the most is gone.

It's now been almost 3 1/2 years since Gabriel died. I imagine Louis and Gabriel opening presents together, playing with new toys on Christmas day while watching Christmas cartoons, the way my sister and I used to do when we were kids. I wish Louis could have that. I wish my family could have that. I wish for once we could have a complete Christmas with no one missing.

Sending love, peace, hope and healing to all of you this holiday season.

And happy birthday to my little Poppy celebrating her birthday and Jesus' birthday with her brother in Heaven this year.

Three

Three years ago you were all mine to hold. I held you in my arms, kissed your cute little nose, willed myself to remember every inch of your tiny body. That day came and went so quickly, too quickly. If there was ever a time I wished for time to stand still, it was that day three years ago. But night came and I kissed you one last time, held you close to my heart and gave you every part of myself that I could. The hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life was saying good-bye to you.

I still think about that day all the time. Every day I think of you, talk to you, wish you were here. I wonder what it would be like to have a three year old you. To know what you like to eat. And your favorite songs. And your first word. I'll never know any of it, but I'll forever have the memories we made together three years ago on that special day. I want you to know that your birth was the single most beautiful moment of my life. That it changed me down to my soul. That I get to be who I am because of you.

I love you sweet baby. Happy 3rd birthday Gabriel <3

Hope

It's been an entire year already. Last year at this time, I was losing my second baby. I was scared and disappointed and wondering whether I would ever have a living baby. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought I would have a baby in my arms in time for next Christmas, I would have said no. I would have said that I was about to give up all hope of ever successfully bringing a healthy child into this world.

But here I am. I now have a three month old little boy and he is healthy and breathing and squirmy and adorable. And I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

It's hard to believe how much my life has changed in the past 365 days. I'm not saying life is perfect. I'm not saying it's easier now that a baby's cries fill my home. I'm just saying that it's different. That it's better in so many ways. And so incredibly more exhausting and overwhelming in other ways.

This life we all get to live is truly amazing.

It's just so beautiful.

But mostly, it's far too unpredictable to ever lose hope.

And far too short to ever stop dreaming.

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby. You've taught me how to love life and to never give up hope. <3

Happy 2nd Birthday Gabriel

To my amazing beautiful boy... Happy 2nd birthday in heaven! Two years ago I was blessed to hold the most perfect angel in my arms. Today I celebrate your beautiful life as I do everyday. I will never forget the moment I first held you and the day we spent together. I wish we could have had more time together but I'm grateful for the months I carried you and for the chance to be your mom.

We love and miss you Gabriel! <3