Walking With You - Clinging in the Pit

What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? 

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how I survived those early (earlier/earliest) days of grief. 

I remember clearly waking up morning after morning in the illusive pit of despair, trapped in the darkness. The only person I could talk to was my husband. He understood, he listened, he cried with me. I was grateful to have someone who loved me and that grief didn't destroy our relationship...

But still, losing a baby is brutally isolating. Every person falls into their own personal pit. It's like solitary confinement for the bereaved. I was comforted in knowing that my husband was close by, but even so, his heart was not fractured in the exact same way as mine. His pain and his burdens were and still are unique, and it's just not possible to know someone else's grief, as closely as you know your own.  

In the earliest days, tears flowed until my eyes were so swollen, they were physically unable to produce more tear drops. They weren't instigated by a thought or a feeling, but something deeper - a sense of failure rooted into my soul. My heart was in pain. And the only way my body could react was to sob uncontrollably.

During that time, my grief was complicated and overwhelming. But worst of all, it was dominated by guilt.  

Guilt...

Relentless Guilt.

I was drowning in it. A running list of regrets kept revolving around in my mind, over and over again. I blamed myself because it was my responsibility to make his birthday special and memorable, and I had failed.

It was all my fault.

I was a bad mother.

I had forgotten everything.

I didn't take enough photos.

I didn't get enough foot prints.

I didn't prepare enough.

I didn't sing to him.

I should have done...

I could have done...

I wish I could go back and do everything differently...

Oh how I wish I could go back...

For days and then weeks, I was lost in the deepest, darkest chambers of an empty, broken world, unable or perhaps just unwilling to leave. I didn't possess enough strength or motivation to escape it. 

The worst part about guilt is the feeling that punishment is deserved. I was torturing myself with guilt. Because I felt guilty! A cruel cycle. Bitter irony.

About 6 weeks after Gabriel died, I took a trip to the craft store for the first time in years. I went there to purchase fabric and materials to make a prayer flag for Carly Marie's Prayer Flag Ceremony. As I walked up and down the aisles, I was consumed with guilt, like an ocean current had just dumped a fresh batch of regrets on my already weighted-down heart. I should have made him something while I was pregnant... a blanket, a onesie, a hat, something with his name on it. Why didn't I make him something?

It was then that I realized that somehow, someway I had to let go of The Guilt. It was imprisoning me in the pit and I was beginning to feel desperate to escape. I needed to find a healthy and healing way to grieve and self-loathing was never going to take me there. 

I started going to church again. I prayed to God and begged Him for peace. I told Him that this cross was too heavy. It was crushing me and I felt like I couldn't stand up with such a heavy weight resting on my back. I asked Him if He would take it away and that if He did, I would accept His plan and praise Him. I clung to the promises that Scripture speaks of, the faith that God is real, and the hope that He would answer my prayers. 

I continued praying as often as I could and found an unexpected sanctuary in those moments of prayer.  I felt deeply comforted when I spoke to Him. I stopped dwelling on the guilt and instead focused on a fervent devotion to Him. In return, He lifted that oppressive cross and I was relieved of a tremendous burden. In a mysterious act of God, my heart was filled with peace and understanding. I felt like the top of the pit had been uncovered to reveal a bright ray of light. 

I can't fully describe what it was like to feel the warmth of His light or to receive an answer to my desperate pleas. But one day I woke up and I wasn't in the pit anymore. Somewhere deep inside me, He had embedded the awareness that I needed to forgive myself for I was not at fault.  That realization sparked a change. My hope was restored. And the guilt had been left behind. 

God had saved me, just as He promised. He told me to cling to the hope that He would save me. The hope that He would be compassionate. The hope that through His immense mercy, I would see my son again one day. The hope that His plan was not without rewards for the faithful who suffer.

He placed on my heart, many beautiful and positive ways to channel my grief and led me to find new ones on my own. I started to appreciate all of the amazing beauty that Gabriel had inspired. And I knew clearly that I was supposed to dedicate my life to the One who filled my heart with merciful peace, and the little one who filled it with everlasting love.

Here is a list of where and how I have found healing and solace:

The BLM Blogging/Online World

Photography

Faith's Lodge

Gabriel's Garden

Keeping Gabriel's memory alive / writing and speaking his name / sharing his story

Returning to school, to pursue a new dream

Praying / Church / Scripture

I know in my heart that I will never return to that first pit of despair where I once laid, vulnerable and alone. But I do fear that more pits await me in the future. I trust the Lord when He says He will carry me over them, and that He won't let me fall into another trap of hopelessness. But, still I know that the path of healing isn't without its set-backs - daunting obstacles and hidden pits. To overcome them, I know I will need to rely on God and the support and guidance of those who are further down the road, shouting back at me, Watch out for that one!

I am grateful that God has blessed me with the love and comforting words of those who understand how cold and dark it is in the bottom of the pit, and therefore they keep the path of healing illuminated for me.

If you're in the pit, I encourage you to speak about your loss. Share your story. Share your fears. Share your wisdom. Support others and allow them to support you. Learn from those who are ahead of you and guide those who are further behind.

If you're struggling with your faith in God, my hope for you is that you won't give up searching for Him in your life. It feels impossible, (I know) but trust that He will rescue you from your darkest moments. Remind yourself every day in which you find yourself laying at the bottom of the pit, that the One who died for our sins, has told us that what is impossible with men, is possible with God. (Luke 18:27) Give God the fears that dwell in your heart, the pain that overwhelms your soul, the anger and resentment you harbor for Him and others because you're hurting so fiercely. If you feel lonely and abandoned, hold onto the truth that you are loved and will never be forgotten. But most of all, believe Him when He tells you that He has graciously created a beautiful life just for you... because He has.

I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares the Lord; they are plans for peace, not disaster, to give you a future filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 CEB)


TrackBacks:
Walking With You Week 1

Tutorial: How to Touch-Up Your Baby's Footprints

This tutorial will explain how to touch-up and save a digital copy of your baby's footprints. 

There are many ways to touch up photos, but this is the easiest way I could think of without using expensive software.

REASONS WHY you may want to touch-up your baby's prints:
1. You want to design a memorial tattoo or work on a project with your baby's footprints.
2. You're not happy with how the originals came out.

REASONS WHY you should save your baby's prints:
1. They will fade over time, just like all ink does.
2. They could get damaged with handling -- oils from your fingers will cause noticeable damage over time.
3. They could accidentally be lost.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
1. A camera or iPhone -- for best results use a camera with a minimum of 8 Megapixels, 10 or 12 would be better. You could also use a scanner if you have a good one.
2. The clearest/darkest copy of your baby's prints.
3. A computer with photo editing software such as Photoshop or GIMP as well as IrfanView or a similar program. (Both GIMP and IrfanView are free to download).

ESTIMATED TIME:
From start to finish this took me about 20 minutes. If you're not as familiar with GIMP, it may take a little longer.

STEPS:
1. Place your baby's footprints on a clean, dry, flat surface.

2. Take a picture in a bright (preferably sunlit) place. You don't want any glares, sun flares or highs/lows, so it's best to take the picture indoors in a well-lit room. I like taking pictures next to the window when it's sunny. Take the picture holding the camera directly over the prints, and as close as possible. Make sure the lens is focused on the footprints. Do NOT use the zoom and do NOT use the flash.

3. Upload the picture to your computer and double check that it is not blurry and the edges aren't cut off.

This is how your picture should look:

4. Open your photo in GIMP or Photoshop or a similar program. 

5. Select the Eraser tool and delete anything you want to remove, such as wording and smudges. Make sure your eraser color is white. If you're more advanced at editing, this would be the time to do any other touch-ups as well. 

6. When you're done, you'll need to adjust the color curves. In GIMP, this feature is located under the "COLORS" tab.

7. Adjust the color curves by pulling the center point towards the upper left quadrant until the background fades to white and you can no longer see your eraser marks. It's okay if the footprints fade, but they should not disappear completely. When you're done, make sure you click OK.

8. Now you're ready to save (FILE: SAVE) your photo. Make sure you FLATTEN IMAGE and save at the 100% quality level. 

9.  Next, open your new saved photo in IrfanView. Open the Color Corrections window (located under the IMAGE tab).

10. Reduce the Gamma Correction, darkening the footprints until they return to their original color. 

11. Make sure you save the new photo. They should look something like this! 

12. In IrfanView, you can also make basic color changes. For example if you want them to be blue, just increase the level of blue. Make sure you SAVE AS a new file name so that you don't overwrite your original file. (If you're interested in making more precise color changes, you can do so in GIMP.)

13. If you want, you can add wording. I used Adobe Illustrator because it's the easiest way for me, but you can certainly use any photo-editing program that allows you to add text (such as GIMP or Photoshop Elements). You may need to open a blank canvas, and place your footprint photo in the center to allow additional room to add the text.

Here's an example:

14. You also may want to measure the original foot prints and keep a record of the length and width so that you know their exact size. (Just in case something happens to the originals)

15. The last step is to save the footprints. Save the original, as well as any edits. I highly recommend saving them somewhere online. The easiest option is to email them to yourself and save them in an email folder. That way if anything happens to your computer, you'll be able to access them from another one. 

NOTE: Obviously, these aren't a replacement for the originals, but at least this way you know you have a copy that is safe in case anything were to happen to the originals. Also, they are now ready to use for any projects you may have in mind. 

To best preserve the originals, store them in a cool, DRY place in an envelope. Try not to expose them to light or air too often as that will cause them to fade faster. Also never touch the ink, as the oils from your fingers will cause smudging and discoloration. 

If you have any questions or need help, just leave a comment below!

Gabriel's 6 Month Birthday Giveaway (Closed)

Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter the giveaway and if you have not done so already, please take a moment to read the entry rules:

-Only ONE entry per person.
-Only babyloss parents may enter.
-Please do NOT enter on behalf of another person.
-Please do NOT cheat or lie -- You will be disqualified.
-If you have any questions, please message me or email me before entering.
-2 winners will be chosen (randomly using Rafflecopter). Whoever is chosen first will have their first pick of the 2 prizes.
-Winners will be announced on January 19th. You must contact me within 72 hours, otherwise a new winner will be chosen.
-Please make sure you comment on the PINNED post with only ONE first name, nickname, "Baby Last Name", or "Last Name Babies."

Thank you so much!!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Walking With You - Intro and Where We Are Now

[I've decided to participate in Sufficient Grace's Walking With You series for mothers and families who have lost a child. I hope that this writing project helps me to express in words what it feels like to grieve the loss of a baby, a subject that has been difficult for me to write about. I find it unbelievably challenging to adequately describe the feelings that encompass losing a child. I can never seem to find the right words. It makes me realize how unnatural babyloss is -- our language doesn't even include sufficient vocabulary to describe it.]

Week 1: Introduction and Where We Are Now

Hello Everyone! I'm Catherine and my son's name is Gabriel. I live in Los Angeles with my husband. DH and I were married in February 2011 and for several months we were happy newlyweds, enjoying life as a two-some. Later that year we started discussing the possibility of expanding our family and in January 2012, we learned I was pregnant with our first baby.

DH and I were thrilled and we spent the next few months reaching levels of excitement and eagerness that only first-time-parents-to-be get to experience. Everything was going great... why wouldn't it be? We were young, healthy, average people.

What could ever go wrong?

So we thought. 

In May, a series of ultrasounds revealed that our baby would not survive after birth. I was 19 weeks pregnant and we had only two options and one very difficult choice. We could continue the pregnancy knowing that our baby would die before or shortly after birth, or we could end the pregnancy that week. Every waking moment of every day I prayed for secret option #3.

Despite our prayers, hopes, dreams and deepest wishes, on July 19th, 2012, we welcomed our precious son to the world just a few hours after his Father embraced him in Heaven. If interested, you can read more about Gabriel here.

It's now been 5 months, 2 weeks and 6 days since that beautiful and tragic day.

I've been grieving for many months now, but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure where I am in my grief journey. I often feel like I've been walking on this journey for ages; grief has become inexplicably familiar. And yet some days it feels so foreign and fresh, like I just realized all of a sudden, that this is all real.

In the beginning, I cried all the time, until my eyes were swollen and my heart literally felt broken. But now, I go days without crying and only occasionally find myself with my head in my hands, sobbing inconsolably. I know it sounds strange, but I actually wish I cried more often. I've come to welcome those moments where my grief consumes me because it's when I'm most grief-stricken that I feel closest to Gabriel.

I sometimes worry that healing will cause me to drift further and further away from him. I'm still trying to figure out how to move forward without continually feeling guilty that I'm abandoning my son in the past. I don't want to forget anything about him and I feel like relinquishing the pain means having to let go of a piece of him. I want to remember the tremendous joy and love, but I also want to hold on to the sorrow. I want to ache deeply for my son, but of course, part of me also wants to heal.

These past few weeks, I have been asking the Lord to help me find a balance, to teach me how to delicately tread in between grief and healing. I have immense faith that in time, He will show me the way. That He will hold my hand and not just walk beside me on this journey, but rather, that He will guide me.

I may never fully understand it, but I am learning to accept God's will for what it is... His plan, not mine. I trust that He is in control of my destiny and that I am walking this journey because Light and Eternal Love await me at the end of it.

I pray that with His guidance, my journey of grief will evolve into a bridge that connects my heart and soul not just to my beloved son... but also to my loving Father.

Do you believe in MOM?

One of my friends posted this little apologue on Facebook the other day and I wanted to share it with those of you who have never read it.

I've copied the original version for those of you who can read Italian, and I've also translated it in English below...

Nel ventre di una donna incinta si trovavano due bebè. Uno di loro chiese all'altro:
- Tu credi nella vita dopo il parto?
- Certo. Qualcosa deve esserci dopo il parto. Forse siamo qui per prepararci per quello saremo più tardi.
- Sciocchezze! Non c'è una vita dopo il parto. Come sarebbe quella vita?
- Non lo so, ma sicuramente... ci sarà più luce che qua. Magari cammineremo con le nostre
gambe e ci ciberemo dalla bocca.
- Ma è assurdo! Camminare è impossibile. E mangiare dalla bocca? Ridicolo! Il cordone ombelicale è la via d'alimentazione... Ti dico una cosa: la vita dopo il parto è da escludere. Il cordone ombelicale è troppo corto.
- Invece io credo che debba esserci qualcosa. E forse sarà diverso da quello cui siamo abituati ad avere qui.
- Però nessuno è tornato dall'aldilà, dopo il parto. Il parto è la fine della vita. E in fin dei conti, la vita non è altro che un'angosciante esistenza nel buio che ci porta al nulla.
- Beh, io non so esattamente come sarà dopo il parto, ma sicuramente vedremo la MAMMA e lei si prenderà cura di noi.
- MAMMA? Tu credi nella MAMMA? E dove credi che sia lei ora?
- Dove? Tutto intorno a noi! E' in lei e grazie a lei che viviamo. Senza di lei tutto questo mondo non esisterebbe.
- Eppure io non ci credo! Non ho mai visto la MAMMA, per cui, è logico che non esista.
- Ok, ma a volte, quando siamo in silenzio, si riesce a sentirla o percepire come accarezza il nostro mondo. Sai?... Io penso che ci sia una vita reale che ci aspetta e che ora soltanto stiamo preparandoci per essa...


In the belly of a pregnant woman, there were two babies. One of them asked the other:
-Do you believe in life after birth?
-Of course. Something must be after birth. Maybe we're here to prepare for what will occur later.
-Nonsense! There is no life after birth. What would that life be like?
-I don't know, but certainly, there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and will eat with our mouths.
-But that's absurd! Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord is the way to eat... I'll tell you one thing... life after birth is out of the question. The umbilical cord is too short.
-Instead I believe there has to be something. And maybe it will be different from what we're used to in here.
-But no one has ever returned from the afterlife, after being born. Birth is the end of life. And ultimately, life is nothing but a distressing existence in the dark that leads us nowhere.
-Well, I don't know exactly how it will be after birth, but surely we'll see MOM and she will take care of us.
-MOM? You believe in MOM? And where do you believe that she is now?
-Where? All around us! We're inside her and it's thanks to her that we're alive. Without her, this whole world would not exist.
-I still don't believe it! I've never seen MOM, so it only makes sense that she doesn't exist.
-Okay, but sometimes, when we're silent, you can hear her or feel that she is caressing our world. You know?... I think there is a real life that awaits us, and that we are only now preparing for it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This analogy of birth and death reminds me that even though we can't see God or even begin to understand what Heaven is like, that doesn't mean They don't exist. Of course nobody knows for sure, but I like to imagine that God is out there somewhere laughing to Himself when we say things like, "Where is God? I don't see Him so how can He exist?" and that are children are in Heaven patiently and joyfully awaiting our "births."

Embracing 2013

No matter what happens this year, I resolve to do my best to fill the next 12 months with priceless memories, meaningful relationships, dreams, hope, love and beauty, and to work on the goals I have in mind.

I want 2013 to be everything 2012 could have been (should have been), and I pray that God grants me a year of healing instead of another year of loss. This year I will keep Gabriel's memory alive by speaking his name, sharing his story, and doing whatever I can to offer support to the babyloss community. But I will also honor his life by learning from it, by gaining courage from it, and by living my life to the fullest despite missing such a significant piece of my heart.

I feel like my life became unraveled and sort of fell apart after Gabriel died. I hope 2013 brings me the strength and tools to put it back together. I hope that my 2013 journey includes more grieving and healing, and less hurting and regretting. I hope that I can truly and fully give my burdens to the Lord and allow Him to help me find happiness and peace.

Yesterday, I made a list of my 2013 new year's resolutions. It's not so different than my list of 2012 resolutions. Some I accomplished last year, though not in the way I had planned (so they're back on the list); others I didn't even begin working on. Having a baby was something I wanted to do in 2012. I did have a baby, but I don't know if Gabriel counts. Not that he isn't my baby. He is and always will be my firstborn child, but I feel as though I've failed us both in fulfilling that resolution. I've always wanted 2 or 3 (living) children, and instead I have 1 angel and an overwhelming inability to even envision having a healthy baby.

I suppose this would be a good time to add "Being Positive" to my list of 2013 new year's resolutions.

That brings the total number of resolutions to 12.

12 resolutions, 12 months.

At least on paper it sounds good :)

The sky on January 1, 2013 -- seeing the bright blue sky reminded me to start the new year with hope!