I wish I could look back on this year and see nothing but joy and feel perfectly at peace with its end.
Instead, 2013 will always be a year that ended with despair and emptiness. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't help but feel saddened and disappointed. I wanted so badly for this year to be one of redemption.
I remember at the start of this year that there was so much I wanted to do. So many goals were set that weren't reached. So many dreams were dreamed that weren't realized. So many wishes were made that weren't granted.
I guess ultimately I feel both relieved and reluctant to leave 2013 behind. Part of me is ready to move on, to leave this year in the past and cross my fingers that things are better in 2014. But part of me is desperate for more 2013, a little more time to try to recover what was lost. I feel cheated out of time with Poppy and the chance to have a rainbow baby.
Now time is up for 2013. And I'll never have another year with Poppy. And I'll never have the opportunity to have a baby in 2013. And I'll never again be able to end this year with a gain instead of a loss.
Nevertheless, it's time to say good-bye to 2013. I may not be completely ready for it to end, but at least this is one ending that is immediately followed by a new beginning.
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| ~Last sunset of 2013~ |
I just wrote a post about how during these past years of infertility and loss, it got so hard to keep saying 'next year will be better'. And although we never know, I am wishing wonderful things for you in 2014 Catherine. No matter what happens, you are a wonderful woman and an amazing Mama to Gabriel and Poppy, who are always with you. I am sending love and hope that this will be your year.
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