A New Tradition

Starting the month after Gabriel died, for one year, my husband and I released balloons on or around the 19th of every month as a way to celebrate Gabriel's one month birthdays. Releasing balloons became something of a monthly tradition that helped us to remember Gabriel in a meaningful way and it also became a source of healing. Honestly, I'm not sure why I found it so therapeutic. I suppose it was partially the time and work that went into buying the balloons and driving to a nice place to release them. I think it just felt good to physically do something once a month that revolved around Gabriel. It was a brief pause each month from normal life that allowed us both to do something to parent our child together, to keep him alive in our hearts and to make sure he was remembered on his special day. And for awhile it felt really important and necessary.

But now that the first year is over and I'm in a new place in my grief journey, I feel that monthly balloon releases probably won't be as healing and meaningful as they originally were. I mostly associate balloon releases with the weeks that followed Gabriel's death when they gave us an outlet to grieve at a time in our lives when we were lost and hopeless. Since that time, I've worked really hard to grow and progress on this journey and I hope that I can continue moving forward. I also feel like the guilt of harming the environment and potentially hurting or killing wild animals overshadows any healing I would experience. I just don't want to cause any further destruction or suffering on our planet especially after a year of learning to appreciate and finding joy in nature.

Therefore, as we move forward into our second year without Gabriel, I wanted to start a new tradition that would better reflect where I am now. So instead of monthly balloon releases, my husband and I decided that each month on or close to the 19th, we're going to go to the beach and watch the sunset together. I think this tradition will continue to help us heal and will give us a chance to remember Gabriel and honor his life in a peaceful and meaningful way that doesn't entail polluting the earth.

Last night we started this new tradition by celebrating Gabriel's 14 month birthday at the beach. It was a warm summer evening and the sunset could not have been more gorgeous. We lit candles and wrote his name in the sand and watched the birds flying over the sea. It was all so lovely, like the start of something new and wonderful.