Our First Family Vacation

It's almost time for us to leave on our vacation. This is the first vacation (besides Faith's Lodge), that we've taken since Gabriel. For the majority of my pregnancy, we were both busy working and then I was on bed rest for the last few weeks. Then Gabriel died and planning a vacation just didn't land high on the list of priorities.

Planning this trip has been so bittersweet.

For many reasons, I am happy to be going. We get to see our family and friends that we haven't seen in a couple years. We can eat the world's greatest pizza and focaccia. I'm looking forward to the party we're having in Gabriel's honor. We're going to make a special cake for him and release balloons with friends and family. We're going to write his name in the sand close to the house where Gabriel's daddy grew up. And that will be special.

Christmas will surely be in the air everywhere we go. Nobody celebrates Christmas like Italy celebrates Christmas. If you've never been there during the holidays, it's something you should add to your bucket list. They really go all-out there. And not in the commercial-corporate-mustbuymore- kind of way that we have here in the U.S. They just really love Christmas over there and I'm excited to be a part of that.

But of course, I can't help but feel that Gabriel should be going with us. I am sad that he will be with us only in our hearts during this vacation. Had everything gone according to plan, he would be 2 months old now. We'd be that couple struggling to get through the security line at the airport with a stroller and an overstuffed baby bag. I'd be that new mama on the plane trying to console an infant screaming at the top of his lungs during take-off.

Instead, it will just be the two of us... no strollers, no bottles, no fussy baby. Just two people easily passing through security with only boarding passes and passports to worry about. There will be no new baby to show off to our family and friends. There will be no grandchild to hand off to his grandparents at the airport. Only memories, thoughts, wishes, and the occasional mention of his name.

And then there's the fact that Gabriel will never know Italy. He'll never travel to the land that was in his blood. He'll never have the chance to step foot on the soil where his ancestors once roamed, where his great grandparents lived and died, where his daddy grew up and his parents traveled across together.

Once again, he is missing so much and we are left only missing him.

Will it ever be possible to take a family vacation without being heartbroken that such a significant piece of our family is missing?

*sigh*

This should have been our first family vacation.

Unfortunately instead, it's our first Missing-A-Precious-Member-Of-Our-Family Vacation.

The Moon and the Sea (Genova, Italy)