Still Standing

Oftentimes, when I pause to think about where I am in my life, it all feels so surreal.

Did I really lose a baby last year? Was he real? Am I really that person? How did things take such a turn for the worse so quickly?

I'm not sure if it's been a really long or a really short amount of time, but I see that a change has occurred in me and in the world that most closely encompasses me. 

In certain ways, my life is harder. It's impossible some days. My heart is broken and my once dependable world has now become unbearably fragile. I miss my son. I would do anything to have him here with me. I want to be a mother to a living baby instead of an angel baby. I want things to be as they were supposed to be. I want a chance to start over and get it right. 

But then there's part of me that embraces this tragedy in a strange inexplicable way. Because of this experience, I am a stronger, more sensitive and more appreciative person. I feel more alive now than I ever have before, perhaps because something so raw and so real happened that it awakened some kind of dormant energy. And though I wish things were so very different for all of us, I can't help but cherish the friends I've made and the incredible kindness that's been shown to me. I'm not sure that if Gabriel has lived, there ever would have come a time in my life that I would have known the kind of support and love that I've experienced during the past nine months. 

And for that support, I am grateful. 

To everyone who reads this blog, emails me on the 19th of each month, follows me on Facebook, writes Gabriel's name, thinks of him ever, or prays for me, I am so very grateful. Words cannot express how blessed I feel to know you.

I lost a huge piece of my heart. I will never watch my sweet little boy grow up. Sadly, I am a bereaved mother.

But because I have loving support and because I have found healing, I am still standing.