Last Mother's Day, I was happily pregnant and blissfully unaware that something was wrong with our baby.
Last Mother's Day, I celebrated Mother's Day for the first time. I felt the first joys of motherhood and felt so lucky to know that by next Mother's Day, I'd have a baby in my arms.
Last Mother's Day was the first time I felt him kick. And ironically that tiny kick gave me so much reassurance that everything was going to be okay.
Last Mother's Day, I bought my first set of "maternity" clothes, some size medium shirts and stretchy black leggings. I would never grow big enough to need real maternity clothes.
Last Mother's Day, I looked forward to my ultrasound appointment the next day. I would get to see my baby again and learn if we were having a boy or girl. Instead, I was told that our baby was very sick and would most likely not survive.
Last Mother's Day was the end of the road. The very last day I'd spend on the other side of life. The next day I'd be forced to climb over the wall, find a new path, and continue forward without the dreams and wishes that I had carried around for so long.
It's heartbreaking to think that last Mother's Day was the only joyous one I'll probably ever have. This Mother's Day and every single one to come will be yet another reminder of how quickly life can change from perfect to tragic in just one day.
I'll feel eternally blessed if I ever have more children, if I can ever celebrate this day with a living child in my arms, but even so, Mother's Day will always be a day that reminds me so much of Gabriel.
It will forever be the day that I celebrated with him and the day that I never could.
Thinking of You today!! ((Hugs)) <3 Gabriel <3
ReplyDeleteOh how joyous and how heart breaking at the same time. Love to you. Peace and love love love and hugs. Happy Mother's Day beautiful mama.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful photo tribute, Catherine! Wishing you peace and love on this Mother's Day <3
ReplyDeleteThat is a beautiful photo Catherine. I am sorry this day holds such difficult feelings for so many of us. (We celebrated our first Father's Day the day before first finding out all was not ok with our son, so I know that shock too).
ReplyDeleteI hope the day was gentle for you, and that you felt Gabriel close by. Sending love.
I never had a joyous Mother's Day for myself. Our firstborn was stillborn at 38 weeks the week before Mother's Day. I feel broken hearted for you. Anticipated joy ripped from you so suddenly. Hugs my friend. Gale
ReplyDeleteLove to you Catherine.
ReplyDeleteI seem to have to endure Mother's Day twice a year now. The UK celebrate it in March, and it seems the rest of the world celebrate in May. My first Mother's Day was shortly before Finley was born, though Steve told me I wasn't allowed to celebrate yet as I wasn't a mother 'yet'. I told him I'd get to celebrate the one in May then, and he teased me that I wasn't allowed to have two each year.
Little did I know between the UK one in March and the Canadian one in May, that Finley would be born and die, and I would never get to properly celebrate Mother's Day.
Like you, even with living children in the future, nothing will ever replace the feelings and the hopes I had when I was pregnant with my first beautiful son.
Praying for you for comfort and peace. Also for a rainbow baby to be on the horizon. Lots of love to you. You are a wonderful mommy!
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