Walking With You - Mirror, Mirror, The Comparison Trap

Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another. This is a trap many women fall into. We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc. Even mothers with babies in heaven compare the way we grieve our children. I know…sad…but we do it, if we’re honest enough to admit it. So, how can we find freedom from this? Sharing is a start…telling the truth…admitting the struggle. I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives…whether publicly or quietly…with big parties or simple moments of remembrance. Be real on this week’s post, and let’s free ourselves from the trap of comparing!

One question I've been musing over lately is, why do we compare ourselves to others? Usually, the complex inner workings of human nature can be traced back to an ancient survival technique, an instinct that our ancestors once needed. There used to be a time when only the greedy and manipulative lived, because they had all the food. Let's face it, if you were generous and honest 250,000 years ago, you starved to death. 

But where does this uncontrollable urge to want to know where we stand in comparison to others, stem from? Why do we glance over our fence at our neighbor's yard to see if the grass really is greener over there? Why do we even care? Did early man walk out of his cave and think to himself, that cave over there is so much nicer than mine, I want that cave instead? Did the guy in the biggest cave take some pleasure in knowing that his neighbors envied him? And if so, did this help them to survive?

And more importantly, does it still help us today, to survive?

Is it easier to carry our burdens, face our struggles, and cope with a broken heart if we know that others are doing so as well? Are we hoping to learn or gain something by comparing our grief and our hardships to those of others? 

Honestly, I don't know the answers or the psychological explanation for why humans compare themselves to one another, but I think we can all agree that this compulsion is somehow inexplicably fueled by human nature. A voice deep inside us that whispers, look what she has and just like that, we're tempted into looking.

All my life, I've been one to compare myself to others. I have needed the assurance that I am at par with my peers, that my success has been growing consistently with that of my friends. I needed to know that I was not slipping behind. I have measured where I should be, by where others are.

But during these past 7 months, I've been forced to age and grow wiser, and I've come to realize that we are all winging this thing called life. We're all in the same crazy maze. Some of us hit more dead ends or take longer to bypass obstacles, but ultimately we're all in the same place. We all look up at night and make wishes. We all secretly harbor dreams that aren't coming true. And sadly, we are all blind, comparing ourselves to the deaf and quietly thinking to ourselves, I want what they have, because all we know is that we hate being blind. 

I also look back over these past few months and realize that at some point, I have unintentionally compared myself to everyone in my life... 

When I saw my non-babyloss friends lead what appeared to be perfect baby-full lives, I wondered, why me? Why does everyone around me get to keep their children and I don't? I looked at my life, and then I looked at theirs. I drew comparisons and noticed all the differences... all the ways their lives were so-much-better-than-mine. I was envious of what they had - their children. I had tunnel vision, only able to see the one thing they had that I so desperately wanted. 

When I met other babyloss mamas online and read their stories, I couldn't help but look through their photos with a stinging sensation in my heart. My greatest regret - that I didn't take enough photos of Gabriel - resurfaced every time I saw photos of other babies. Some families were so lucky to have hundreds of beautiful photos. Every photo, was another beautiful memory I didn't capture, another reminder that someone else had succeeded where I had failed. Once again, I compared others' hads to my had-nots. 

Admittedly, I have struggled to escape the comparison trap at times, but it's a battle I'm willing to fight. When I look back, I see that comparing myself to others has interfered with healing and that it's led to so much unnecessary sorrow. I've found that comparison is just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from jealousy, envy and self-loathing. But mostly, it's kept me from living my life to the fullest. And I don't want to look back at my life at any point and discover that I've wasted my precious time here envying others, instead of chasing my own dreams. 

I read somewhere once that if we all stood in a circle and threw our problems into the middle, that we would each reach in and take our own problems back. We all believe that we've received the worst hand of cards, but that's only because we haven't seen everyone else's. 

When I was a child, I used to get upset when I thought my parents were unfairly favoring my younger sister. She received more Christmas presents, more allowance money, more anything than me, and I was quick to point out the difference to my parents. I remember one Christmas morning, my sister received something bigger or better than me (no clue what it was), and my dad told me something that I will always remember. 

Catherine, your mother and I love you and your sister equally. We may make mistakes, but we will always be fair to both of our children. You should focus more on what we give you, and less on what we give her. If you're happy with your gifts, than it really shouldn't make a difference what your sister received. 

I'm not sure if a light switched on in my head at that exact moment or if it took a few years for me to understand just how big of a whining, unappreciative brat I was that day. If it weren't for the fact that I was only 8 or 9 years old, I think I'd be ashamed to even admit that I once complained to my parents that I hadn't received enough. Because the truth is, I had everything I needed.

Now, as an adult, I realize that it's not a parent's job to give their children everything they want to feel happy; it's their job to teach their children how to be happy despite not having everything they want. That day my dad taught me the fundamentals of happiness - be appreciative for what you have and don't worry about what others have.

I imagine that's what God wants most for all of us - to be so happy with our own lives that we stop worrying about everyone else's. To be grateful for the beautiful and unique life He has generously given each of us. To realize that we didn't earn this gift, He gave it to us. He handed us each a box and told us to go fill it with love, laughter, joy and treasures. And if we look around and notice that someone else's box is bigger, prettier, or wrapped in a shiny bow, it doesn't change the truth that He has designed all of our boxes with the same amount of infinite love.

So every now and then, take the time to look at your own box and notice the little intricacies that make it special and all of the contents that make it uniquely yours. Be grateful for the beautiful memories and the joyful experiences that you hold inside it. Realize that the box, just like life, is merely a vessel, and that an empty box, no matter how perfect it may appear on the outside, has no value...

For ultimately, it's what you put inside the box, that makes it so precious.

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Walking With You Week 4

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Walking With You Week 1