Walking With You - Finding Hope and Healing With or Without a Rainbow

For the final WWY post in this segment, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms. Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss. Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again. Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons. Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief. Can you experience hope and healing…even if there is no rainbow after the storm? 

Remember when you were 14 and life was so plan-able? 

I do. 

I remember when life could be anything I wanted it to be. My entire future could be planned out in a single thought process. I remember daydreaming about growing up. I had it all planned out so perfectly. I was going to go to college, get some fancy degree, graduate, find a great job, have a successful career, buy a 4 bedroom house near the beach, marry my dream man by age 25 or 26 tops, have 3 children - 1 boy and 2 girls...and so on...

So when exactly do we grow up and realize that life does.not.go.according.to.plan.EVER?

There are no guarantees. No cosmic promises. No one who owes us anything.

Plans are just hopes and dreams, wishes and desires. They are not written in the stars. We can plan, just as we can hope, but nothing is ever truly certain. 

I think there is a point in life when everyone comes to realize this fully... when we are forced to surrender our ignorance and accept God's plan in exchange for our childhood fantasies. 

For me, that point was reached the day that Gabriel died. The last of my innocent hope was shattered and my faith was put to the test like never before. I knew it was true just as I knew my child was gone, forever. That God had made His decision and it was final and absolute... a decisive dissolution of a dream. Or at least that's how it felt.

My life has (clearly) not turned out to the be the fairy tale I once envisioned. It's harder, more complicated, and less glamorous than I ever could have predicted as a naive teenager. One by one, God has picked up my plans and thrown them out the window. But He has also been compassionate and merciful and in exchange for tossing aside my perfect plans, He has blessed me unexpectedly with a beautiful life. 

I would love to sit here and say that I have an overwhelming faith in God and that I believe wholeheartedly that He will personally ensure my happiness. That I can look back at all of the ways He has blessed and protected me and feel reassured that my future is going to unfold perfectly from this day forward. That my happy ending is just around the corner. 

But I can't.

More than anything else in the world, I would love to have another child.

Let me clarify...

I would LOVE to have another child. 

But, I don't believe that rainbow babies are automatically given to us, despite the extraordinary need for them. I don't believe that God is up in Heaven with a magic wand granting wishes and making dreams come true. I don't believe that every prayer is answered. I don't believe that God's will is for each of us to get what we want the most. I just don't think that's how God works.

Life is not plan-able. Babies are not plan-able. God is not predictable.

Gabriel was our first baby, our first step towards planning a family, which means that we don't have any living children. Though I do believe that babyloss is equally devastating for all parents, there is an additional level of fear when you lose your only child. 

I worry that I'll never ever have a living child. 

Honestly, it's a little terrifying (okay, a lot terrifying) to think of the possibility of never having another child. Of course I'm also afraid of disappointments, let-downs, another loss, etc... But those fears pale in comparison to the fear of missing out on motherhood. 

And I know that there is no baby who can fill the hole that Gabriel's death has left in my heart. But, there is a baby who can fill my heart with renewed joy. There is a baby who can glue some of the broken pieces back together. There is a baby whose tiny body can rest in my arms and who can comfort me with a breath of air.

There is a baby who can dissolve my greatest fear.

It's hard for me to envision a complete life without another baby. I know I could be happy and I would find healing. But it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be the same type of happiness or the same degree of healing.

To be honest, I'm so desperately hopeful, I haven't yet figured out what I'm going to do if a rainbow never appears, if the storm never lets up. Part of me really needs that wave of calm, that bright blue sky that can only appear after a terrible storm. I'm not sure that anything else will ever be enough. 

I don't know what the alternative is... 

Please pray that I'll never have to find out. 

P.S. I'd like to just express my gratitude to all of you beautiful mamas who have participated in the Walking With You series, especially Kelly for hosting it. I have really enjoyed reading your posts and comments and learning from each and every one of you. I hope that we can stay in touch and continue to support one another on our journeys. Wishing you peace and keeping you in my prayers <3

TrackBacks:

Walking With You Week 5
Walking With You Week 4

Walking With You Week 3

Walking With You Week 2

Walking With You Week 1