Mother's Day Name Event Video

Thank you so much to everyone who participated in the Mother's Day name project! I really enjoyed and appreciated receiving so many beautiful and creative photos of Gabriel's name. 

This is a tribute to all of our beautiful children and the love they've left behind:

Stillborn and Still Breathing

I just wanted to post a little thank you to my friend Lindsey who recently interviewed me for her new blog series, Inspirational Bereaved Parents. Lindsey is the beautiful BLM who runs the website, White Signs of Grief in honor of her sweet little girl, Nora. She also has a really amazing and beautiful blog called Stillborn and Still Breathing. Lindsey writes quite a bit about grief and healing and her blog offers a lot of helpful advice for healing after the loss of a baby. I hope when you get a chance, you’ll visit her blog... I think you'll find her writing to be very honest, thoughtful and encouraging. 

Summer School

I've got some good news and bad news. The good news is that I survived my first week of summer school. The bad news is that I'm not completely sure I'm going to make it through the second week. 

Earlier this week, I had planned to write this beautifully inspired post about how much I've learned this past week and how fascinating my classes are and how great school is going, but honestly with the current state of my brain, that's not going to happen today. I'm tired from studying, I'm tired from classes, I'm tired from reading, and I'm tired from just thinking about another week of studying, classes and reading. 

So, I'll just say this. Summer school is intense. I'm taking Human Biology (a.k.a. Too Much Information To Absorb) and Psychology (a.k.a. Harder Than I Expected). Both classes are demanding, in that they need to cram a semester's worth of knowledge into just four weeks. That's not to say that I'm not enjoying them, because despite the lack of sleep and late night blurry vision, I'm finding both classes to be extremely interesting. Human Biology might actually be the most fascinating class I've ever taken. I really recommend this class to anyone, no matter what your career is or how old you are. Just don't take it during the summer, when you only have four weeks to learn EVERYTHING about the human body starting at the molecular level and working quickly through all eleven of the organ systems. 

With that said, I have to go study now. If I want to sleep at all this week, I need to make the most of my weekend and get ahead, or in the case of Psychology, rush to turn in my assignments on time. I imagine that one day in the future, I'll actually have the time and brain function necessary to write a proper update on school. Until then, I'll leave you with this little tidbit of information... The outer layer of skin, also called the epidermis, is comprised of stratified squamous epithelial tissue. I know that probably doesn't interest you now, but if you ever take Human Biology, trust me, you'll thank me then.  

Thoughts on Father's Day

Today, in honor of Father's Day, I'd like to recognize all bereaved fathers and also acknowledge everyone for whom this day causes pain and sorrow:

~If you're a bereaved father who has living children, today is probably bittersweet as you give thanks for the children you have here and grieve for the one who is missing. I'm sure it's crossed your mind more than once that today would be perfect if only you could hold all of your children in your arms.

~If you're a father who has no living children, today is likely to be extremely difficult. It's yet another reminder of what so many people get to celebrate, but for unknown reasons, you don't. Today is a day that most people don't believe belongs to you because your child has died. It's so painful to know that you and your child are not recognized as you should be. I hope that you know in your heart that you are an amazing father.

~If you're a bereaved mother who loves and cares for her children's father, today is hard for you too. It feels so unfair that your family has been devastated by the loss of a child and that the man you love does not get to watch his child grow up. I know what it feels like to wish you could take away his suffering, not just today but every single day.

~If you're a bereaved mother and the father of your baby is no longer a part of your life, either because he walked away from you or because he has joined your baby in Heaven, days like today are sure to be a source of heartache. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to see your friends who have loving husbands or partners to lean on for support and comfort. I am so sorry if you are feeling lonely or hurt today.

~If you're a bereaved parent who has lost their father, Father's Day is spent missing not just your child, but also a beloved parent. I wish you had both your child and your father here with you and I hope it brings you comfort to imagine that they are together in a beautiful place.

~If you're a father who has no children because you are struggling with infertility or failed adoption, today is such a devastating reminder that yet another childless year has gone by. Nobody deserves to be on the emotional roller coaster that you are on. I pray that one day, Father's Day will be a day to celebrate all that you have overcome on your journey to a child.

No matter who you are or what your circumstances may be, if you've lost a child, Father's Day is likely to be a source of grief. It's hard for all bereaved mothers and all bereaved fathers, but I feel like it's an especially painful day for those fathers who have no living children to hold.

Those fathers won't be receiving any gifts made out of finger paint or macaroni today. They won't be wished a "Happy Father's Day" by most people, even though they are fathers and deserve to be acknowledged as such. They don't know, but desperately want to know what it's like to spoil a little girl or teach a son how to throw a football.

These special fathers and all other bereaved fathers truly deserve to be honored and appreciated today. Even though we may not be able to see some of all of their children, we can clearly see the love they have for them.

This Father's Day, I'd like to send my love and gratitude to all fathers - those with their children here on earth, those who hold their children in their hearts, and those who are struggling to bring a child into their home. This day is not just for honoring the love you have for your children but also for celebrating the love your children and family have for you. I hope that no matter what you've been through or how difficult life gets, that you will always feel deeply loved.

And last but not least, I'd like to send a very special "Happy Father's Day" to the two best fathers I know...

...My own dad who has always been an irreplaceable source of unconditional love and support. I admire him so much for his strength, devotion, wisdom, honesty and passion for life. I am truly lucky to have the best father imaginable.

...And of course, Gabriel's daddy, who hasn't left my side since the day we met. I am so grateful to have the most amazing husband who makes me laugh and lets me cry, who often sets aside his own grief to help me with mine, and who supports me even when it would be so much easier not to. Even though I can't give Gabriel the life he deserves here on earth, it's such a tremendous blessing to know that he has the greatest gift of all... the most loving and caring daddy in the world.

Celebrating the Still Project Anniversary

Last week, Carrie and Jonathan from The Still Project posted an invitation on their Facebook page to join them for The Still Project's 1st Birthday Celebration in Rancho Palos Verdes on June 9th. Since RPV is so close to our house, my husband and I decided to go and show our support for The Still Project.

The gathering was held by the grave of Carrie and Jonathan's daughter, Elena, located in the Babyland section of the cemetery. It was a beautiful, quiet and peaceful location. We all sat on blankets in a circle and all of the conversation was really casual and informal. During our time there, we learned a little more about their documentary, as well as the film, Return to Zero. We also had the chance to talk about Gabriel and our experience with babyloss.     

I'm really glad that we had this opportunity to get to know Carrie and Jonathan. It was such an inspiration to see firsthand, the passion they have for their film and for breaking the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. I really think this documentary will be amazing and I'm so eager to see the impact it will have on society and the babyloss community, especially those who feel silenced after the loss of a baby.

Babyland, Green Hills Memorial Park Cemetery

a photo of everyone

another photo of the gathering

Carrie, Jonathan, another babyloss couple, and us

Sleeploss After Babyloss

Last Friday I went to see my doctor to follow up on results for a home sleep study that I did. My doctor suspected that I might have sleep apnea, but it turns out that I am just a "very disturbed" sleeper. Even though I laid in bed for a little over 8 hours, I only slept for 4 1/2 hours, which means that I spend almost half of the night either awakening from sleep or not sleeping at all. Basically, I'm suffering from severe sleep deprivation.

It doesn't appear that I have any breathing problems that are causing me to wake up during the night. It's possible that I do have another medical issue such as Restless Leg Syndrome that's repeatedly waking me up. But my doctor believes that the reason is probably psychological. She thinks that I may have suppressed anxiety caused by constantly holding in my emotions, especially those related to losing Gabriel and trying to get pregnant again after a loss. She said that people who have a positive disposition (like I do) tend to (unknowingly) keep negative thoughts and feelings inside where they're basically left to wreak havoc on our subconscious. (Awesome, right?)

In order to cure my sleep disorder, she's recommended a moderate dose of melatonin and 15 minutes of yoga before bedtime in order to relax my body. She also recommended that I stop spending so much time online submersed in the babyloss and infertility world, as constant exposure could be repeatedly triggering unhealthy subconscious anxiety (even if it doesn't feel that way at the time).

Lastly she's recommended that I become more emotionally open because bottling up or suppressing feelings of pain, suffering, grief or frustration can lead to anxiety which in turn leads to a myriad of other health problems such as sleep loss, hormonal imbalances, even infertility. And because that anxiety is not being let out in a healthy way during the day, it often presents itself at night through unconscious means like bad dreams or disturbed sleep.

Even though at first I was pretty surprised by the results of the sleep study and even more surprised by my doctor's recommendations, it's actually starting to make a lot of sense. Some days I do feel overwhelmed or I get a surge of anger or frustration or sorrow and I don't know where to channel it properly so I just keep it inside. It doesn't really appear to affect me but over the course of time I guess it has and in a pretty detrimental way.

I feel really lucky to have a doctor who doesn't automatically write a prescription to mask a symptom, but instead tries to figure out what is the underlying cause. She's actually the first doctor I've gone to whose even taken an interest in my sleep and cared enough to test me for sleep apnea. I'm really glad she suggested some natural remedies and that she carefully considered my medical background before making her recommendations.

With that said, I've been taking my nightly dose of melatonin and doing my 15 minute yoga routine for the past few nights. I'm also doing 5-10 minutes of meditation each night to induce calm and relaxation. And of course, I'm dwindling down the amount of time I spend doing research online and reading babyloss-related websites and blogs. The combination of everything seems to be helping. Even though I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night, I don't feel like I'm waking up as often as before. Also, I feel noticeably more rested when I wake up and slightly less fatigued in the late afternoon. Hopefully I'll continue to make progress over the next few weeks as I learn how to better manage my subconscious nightly anxiety.

If anybody has any suggestions for getting better sleep or reducing anxiety, I'd really love to hear them!