Last summer, before we even considered having children, we went to the beach one beautiful, sunny afternoon. I remember seeing a family... mom, dad and a sweet little baby girl. She was probably about ten months old - just big enough to sit up and play, but not able to walk yet. Her mom had dressed her in the cutest baby bikini and a little hat to protect her face from the sun. The little girl's parents took turns playing with her and she couldn't stop laughing and smiling. I remember thinking to myself that we would have that ourselves one day. And that when that day came, my life would be perfect.
Six months later, I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy I couldn't help thinking of that little baby girl at the beach. I imagined taking my own baby to the beach and watching his eyes light up when I built him a sand castle and seeing his face reveal uncontrollable glee when I dipped his little toes into cool ocean waves.
After we found out that our baby was not going to survive, I still dreamed of taking him to the beach. I could picture him squinting as a cloud drifted out from under the sun. I could taste his salty skin as I kissed his chubby cheeks. I could hear him giggling at the sight of seagulls running after one another. I just couldn't stop dreaming about the day we would visit the beach as a family, even if that day only existed in my mind.
We went only once to the beach when I was pregnant, and the day was gloomy. Even the beach was sad for my loss... for the events it would never have the chance to witness.
One month and one day after Gabriel died, we returned to the beach. It was a little cloudy, but often the sun would shine through the clouds. We wrote Gabriel's name in the sand with little shells and released three white balloons for him. The wind swallowed up the balloons immediately, but somehow they lingered barely within sight and we watched them for almost ten minutes, before we had to accept that they too, were somewhere out there, but we'd never see them again.
I made peace with the beach that day. Its waves had taken my tears. Its wind had carried my prayers. Somewhere along the way, it had become a special place.
Gabriel would never touch the sand, nor the sea. He would never chase a seagull or gather seashells along the shore. He would never feel the heat of the sun or the chill of a salty breeze. But the beach will always remind me of him. It will always be a place of precious memories of events that never occurred and dreams that never made the leap into reality. It will be a beautiful reminder of what could have been if Gabriel lived, and what has remained behind even though he has died.
The waves will crash, the sun will set, the birds will fly. Gabriel won't ever watch the graceful motions of the beach, but I will, and I'll think of him whenever I do.
I will think of his salty cheeks. His uncontrollable giggles. His wet little toes...
And how much I wish I could have him back for just one sunny afternoon.
Heaven has beaches, right?
